Posts by: "eli"

Emeritus Note: Unfortunately, the Week 5 games were postponed due to “rain fears”.  Seven years ago, the Week 5 games suffered the same fate, but Derek and I decided to forge ahead and post box scores anyway.  This post was originally published on May 4, 2009.

Filthy Gorgeous Doubles Up The Unicorns


Filthy Gorgeous 4, Unicorns 2

Filthy Gorgeous: “Gentleman” James Pereira 2 (9), Sunny Mehra (7), Matt Workman (2)
Unicorns: Chris (5), Nelson (2)
Game Notes: Pereira broke a 2-2 tie with seven minutes remaining in regulation.

Cobra Kai 3, Corlears Hookers 2

Cobra Kai: Rem “Canadian Strongman” Garavito (2), Brian “The Flashlight” Morrison (1), Christina “Mojito” Verigan (1)
Corlears Hookers: Gavin “Dutch’s Brother” Kearney (4), Peter “Purple Rain” Putka (4)
Game Notes: Although the Corlears Hookers only had four players including their goalie in attendance, they opted to bench Albert “Al” Huang for the duration of the game.

Happy Little Elves 3, Mighty Squirrels 3 (OT-SO)

Happy Little Elves: Rob Muggeo (5), Demetri Adrahtas (1), Rob “Gnarls” Nitschke (1)
Mighty Squirrels: Jason “Cheek” Cheek (1), Tim “(S)crappy” Gray (1), Andrea “Vegetable Lasagna” Schloeder (1)
Shootout: Tied 1-1. Successful attempts by Jarome “Hornswoggle” Ramos (HLE) and Arthur “Lil Weezy” Revechkis (MSQ).
Game Notes: Gray scored the game-tying goal with one second left in regulation.

Denim Demons 7, Rehabs 5

Denim Demons: Peter “Ski” Oblamski 2 (4), Erik Cortes 2 (3), Molly Jacobs (2), S.B. (1), Adam “Legend Killer” Rubens (1)
Rehabs: Jon “Dinner Plate” Feldman (7), Stacy Kehoe (4), Paul “Ashy Larry” Vernon (4), Sharif “The Chocolate Buzzsaw” Corinaldi (2), Juan “d@ $hoW” Garcia (1)

Mega Touch 0, What The Puck -1

What The Puck: Ant “Father Time” Ventolieri -1 (-1)
Shutout: Roderick “Guy LeDouche” Cruz (2)

Sky Fighters 10, Mexican Standoff 0

Sky Fighters: Martin “Ocho Cinco” Cejka 9 (16), Amy Lott (1)
Shutout: Martin “Ocho Cinco” Cejka (1)
Game Notes: Lott scored the game-winning goal two minutes into the game, with the assist credited to Cejka.

Dark Rainbows 14, Gouging Anklebiters 11

Dark Rainbows: Trevor “White Jesus” Tyrrell 4 (7), John Nielsen 3 (5), P.T. Walkley 2 (3), Josh Wilson 2 (3), Sean Reynolds (3), Dan “Danny Abs” Abdo (1), Jennie Brown (1), Lindsey Foehrenbach (1)
Gouging Anklebiters: Nestor “Marmaduke” Nonato 3 (4), Peter “Geech” Prohaska 2 (3), Charles DeFranco (5), Phil “Sandy” Donohue (3), Eric “El Guapo” DiPierri (2), Amy Kovner (1), Caroline Morrissey-Bickerton (1), Zach “Cryme Tyme” Weiner (1)
Game Notes: Dark Rainbows played the entire game without a goalie. Gouging Anklebiters pulled their goalie, Alex Owen, after he allowed his tenth goal of the day.

LBS, Inc. 35, Tuques 28

LBS, Inc.: “The Alpha Male” Ken Poulin, 30 yard pass from Karsten Pichon (Seth Wachtell kick is good), LBS 7, TUQ 0
Tuques: Bill Monahan, 45 yard field goal, LBS 7, TUQ 3
LBS, Inc.: Seth Wachtell, 23 yard field goal, LBS 10, TUQ 3
Tuques: The Peter Wilson, 85 yard punt return (Bill Monahan kick is blocked), LBS 10, TUQ 9
LBS, Inc.: Sascha Puritz, 1 yard run (Seth Wachtell kick is good), LBS 17, TUQ 9
Tuques: Bill Monahan, 31 yard field goal, LBS 17, TUQ 12
Tuques: Karsten Pichon tackled in end zone by Lisa Harrington for a safety, LBS 17, TUQ 14
Tuques: Alfred Liu, 14 yard pass from David Ladanyi (Bill Monahan kick is good), LBS 17, TUQ 21
LBS, Inc.: Seth Wachtell, 52 yard field goal, LBS 20, TUQ 21
Tuques: Minkus, 102 yard interception return (Bill Monahan kick is good), LBS 20, TUQ 28
LBS, Inc.: Sam Anthony, 8 yard run (Fernando Limonic pass from Karsten Pichon), LBS 28, TUQ 28
LBS, Inc.: Brian “Grandmaster B” Barrett fumble recovery in end zone (Seth Wachtell kick is good), LBS 35, TUQ 28

Mathematics vs. Fresh Kills (Cancelled)

Game Notes: Game cancelled due to “rain fears”.

Our division preview series continues as we tell you everything you need to know about the $h0wT!m3 Division.

What’s New

  • Quite possibly, the division name.  Rich already jettisoned Tim Brown’s honorific and replaced it with one for Julie Katz.  As of press time, the division still bears the $h0wT!m3 name, but it could soon be retired, much like its namesake has done multiple times already.  Rich could even bring back the Rubens Division.  Stay tuned for all of the drama!
  • Instant Karma.  After suffering through a difficult inaugural season in the Glanzer Division, Karma should welcome a schedule that is a lot more forgiving.  Of course, three of their seven wins last season came against the Elves, so they’ll have to find other teams to beat up on this year.
  • The Gremlins.  Oh hey guys, good to have you back!  After a one year sabbatical to the Greene Division, the Gremlins return to the division they called home from 2011-2014.  However, they were never able to win it during those four seasons, so maybe coming back isn’t all its cracked up to be.

"You're killing me, Gremlins."

“You’re killing me, Gremlins.”

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Emeritus Note: The editorial staff is hard at work on the remaining division previews, but to tide you over until those are ready, we’re running a classic team preview. Here are our thoughts on LBS, Inc. prior to the start of the 2011 season. This post was originally published on March 22, 2011.

Meet LBS, Inc.’s New Security Manager

Courtesy: LBS, Inc. Office of Communications

Color: White
Year Founded: 2002
2010 Regular Season Finish: 8-7-0-1 (4th, Rubens Division; 11th overall)
2010 Playoff Result: Lost to Filthy Gorgeous in round of 16
Conference: Weyersberg
Division: Hackett
2010 Leading Scorer: Karsten Pichon, 16 goals
Team Song: Pet Shop Boys – Opportunities (Let’s Make Lots of Money)

New Hires: Lawrence Goldstein
Resignations: Alex Simon, Phil Yang
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The surest sign that spring is only a few days away?  The release of the 2016 BTSH schedule, of course!


Our schedule does not look nearly as pretty as the NFL schedule. It also does not have any primetime or weekday night games…yet.

We spent a lot of time and energy to put this together, so indulge us as we point out some of the highlights…

Opening Day:
The season opens on April 3, but you already knew that, because you read our post last week about Opening Day.  What’s that? You didn’t? Sigh, we’ll wait for you to catch up, Georgine. Okay, all good now? Moving on…
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Get excited! Opening Day 2016 is less than four weeks away*!

The Mets also open the season on April 3.

The Mets also open the season on April 3.

For the seventh season in a row, Opening Day will feature a rematch of the championship game, as Filthier takes on the Rehabs, who have moved up to the Tagliarino Conference.  Plus, there is the traditional heaping helpful of eight divisional games to kick the season off on the right note, including the following highlights:

  • Fuzz makes their highly anticipated debut, and while the Tuques would have made for the perfect opponent, they have been in the league’s alumni section for years.  So behind door number two, its…the Corlears Hookers.  Can Richie’s new team exceed expectations and pull off an Opening Day upset, like the Elves did in 2008?
  • The Sky Fighters are playing in their first game without former captain Dan Hopper and have also moved up a division.  So it’s probably a good thing that they avoided Fresh Kills to start off the season.  The Denim Demons weren’t as lucky.
  • The Gremlins and Poutine Machine switched divisions for this season, so we’re giving them the other non-divisional game of the day.  And since it is a later game, we’re sure that Jamie will have already subbed as a goalie for a couple of other teams and John Walker will be upset about games running late because Jamie needed multiple water breaks.

Read on for the full Opening Day schedule (court assignments TBD)…

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