Posts by: "Ball Hogg"

This Sunday we find ourselves at the culmination of another BTSH season. Don’t expect me to insert anything sappy, as we all know salty is my media personality’s snack of choice (aside from a dairy intensive post-game chocolate milk). Here are the box scores and updated playoff leaders after the Round of 16 (when the playoffs really start) and the Quarterfinals (which was when I stopped caring) and then some Schlitz Cup action to boot (which my team was too good to qualify for? Ca C’est Encroyable!).

I look forward to (re)thinking up some new cheer signs for this year’s final four….Speaking of cheering on friends still in it; hopefully Roberts won’t get first line minutes anymore so he is more poach-able after the POUNDS win in the finals and bring on not just W, but O, and QMJ- HL’ers for 2019…

…on to the box scores!


Round of Sixteen


Mega 1 @ Filthier 2

Mega – PizzaLightning Best Referee Alex EM (1)

Goalie Loss – Mike T (1-1)

Filthier – The Mule x2 (2)

Game Notes: In the M-ilthier (there’s no “M” in that word as my btsh fb group trolling protégé of 2018 would say) matchup, Richard Picard was not to be found and neither was a chance of victory after Filthier came out with two quick goals in the second half to spoil Mega’s 1 goal lead which stood through half time.


GANK 2 @ Gremlins 0

GANK – Alex “Derho”, Jason “Bourne”

Goalie Shutout Win – Craig LaC (1-0, 1 shutout)

Goalie Loss – Jamie B (0-1)

Game Notes: Walker asked the clock to be counted down audibly from 10 seconds to close the first half, which allowed Jason “Bourne”– still recounting his steps of how he became assigned to play for the Gouging Anklebiters of BTSH after waking up dizzy in Ben Probert’s West Village apartment one Sunday morning (okay I know you don’t get it, it’s a Bourne movie reference, but I’m not finished yet) and how they made it through 5 of 18 regular season games with him on the roster and now on to the quarters against a dojo- to score with “TWOoooo” seconds left on the clock…. “soooorry aboot that” to Marcella and non-Walker Gremlin teammates who had to suffer through that painful, season ending ten second countdown.


Math 1 @ Fuzz 3

Math – Rich “Fuzz Killer” Glnzr not an arguable own goal**

Goalie Loss – David W-L (1-1)

Fuzz – Boy Ryan H (1), Miles (1), Alexa (1)

Goalie Win – A. Coach (1-0)

Game Notes: Where were all the NWHL’ers that Sam promised the Mathletes at season’s [Walker can you help identify the word which would be the opposite of “end”, which would fit here?]?

Quick Shifts: The game sheet had Miles’ name crossed out for Ryan’s goal so I therefore deduced it was Boy Ryan (but tyvm fearless ref scheduler for clarifying in a separate email!) ….You (anyone) can claim the Math goal at first come first serve…sort of like how we schedule playoff games….wait so what the heck is home field advantage for higher seeds if they don’t get first choice?

**Edits before going to print: NYC Caps Crew vet Justin P has been currently allotted the Math goal (and Sam doesn’t exit the Round of 16 as the leading scorer in the playoffs, unable to add on from his deuce in the play in round).


WTP 1 @ FK 3

DaPucks – Z. Defector (1) (oh god that only makes sense saying “zed” the American way…)

Goalie Loss – Scott H (0-1)

FK – Ariel (1), Tom R x2 (2)

Goalie Win – Barch (1-0)

Game Notes: Like many games from his (award winning) rookie campaign, Hogg gets a late meaningful/less goal to spoil a shutout bid, this time at the hands of Seashell Haramb(a)e teammate Barch – who hasn’t even asked him to pay his share of the OC hotel room cost from #HockeyBeach2018 (free real estate memes, anyone?) …FK remained strategic and opportunistic for the entirety of the contest with a short bench and made sure once they got the ice breaker, to never relinquish the lead.

Quick Shifts: WTP played valiantly in what ends up being Emily’s final game as (co?) captain- who has given this one-of-the-few-very-original-btsh-franchises-remaining-in-existence some life as the old guard left over half a decade ago now- but it wasn’t to be as all 3 goals started off turnovers to Tom and most offensive rushes ended up being blocked by the likes of Roxy (who played the entire game) and Eugene and Pat (who shared some great relative fenwick to corsi differential over their half of the game each)….When looking over questioning the playoff rosters, we only knew Tom qualified for the playoffs because he scored a goal in all 5 games he played (sometimes it hurts to track stats sequentially…)


Demons 1 @ POUNDS 3

Demons – Mike Miles (2) (if they really had a Mike who scored as the game sheet says, why did he wait until the Round of 16 to score his first of the 2018 campaign, huh??)

Goalie Loss – Zach W-L (1-1)

Pounds – Karsten (1), Ajay “Kopitar” (1), Jake (1) (we’ll just assume it’s the guy from the dub)

Goalie Win – Zisser (1-0)

Game Notes: I heard this one was (un)surprisingly crispsy, I mean, chippy.


Hookers 1 @ Rehabs 4

Hookers – Josh (1) (interesting, another new player added to my scoring chart for the season, when did this bozo get “sworn” in to the Hookers lineup??!!)

Goalie Loss – Dustin (0-1)

Rehabs – Alex WM (1), Carlton Dance (1), Ramy Of the Blue Man group (1), Monique R (1)

Goalie Win – Eric R (1-0)

Game Notes: Cro learns the hard way that true reckless hockey is one in which you give up more goals than the other team by playing only efence (where is the D?! there isn’t one because there isn’t any!) and the Hookers fail to return to the Quarterfinals….Rehabs looked impressive and will definitely beat Fuzz next round and get back to the final; I’m sure of it with the short lineup Fuzz is expected to have.

Quick Shifts: Alex WM scored early with a shot heard around the world (not so much from the shot so much as the Hookers letting the Rehabs know that he was wide open at the point)….Carlton seemingly matched his goals scored in the regular season in one playoff game….maybe he matched the games played tally on this day too?!


IK 1 @ PM 2 (F/SO)

Karma – Derek ZED (1)

Goalie Shootout Loss – Charlie O’D via Rehab(s) Re-entry Draft

Poutine – Mikey M (1)

Shootout Winner – Hornswoggle CR7

Goalie Win – RJ (1-0)

Game Notes: Karma looked to hold the balance of power/play in this game but it was not to be as instant karnage was what became of a great bounce back top 12 campaign after another impressive shootout winner by BTSH vet JVR (I guess if you’re around for a few years you get some practice at these things!)


Dank Bows 1 @ CK 3

Bows – Cat (Beef, not Dragon) (1)

Goalie Loss – Greenwald (1-1)

CK – Siena “Foligno” (1), Liam (1), Will (1)

Goalie Win – Campbell W (1-0)

Game Notes: Rainbows combined margin of defeat against CK in their two matinee affairs this year (3!) is what I presume to be roughly a third of the one game against each other in 2017- highlighting the sense of optimism for Tia’s newly darkened (does everyone really want to wear black in 40 degree Celsius weather?), dark rainbows clan, going into 2019 (until Yetter and that dude in the black pinner gets poached).

Quick Shifts: Will scored the empty netter just to ensure he stay ahead of Liam by one goal (he does play defense, btw) in total on the year, season and playoffs combined.


Schlitz Cup


TSR 1 @ Gut Rot 0

TSR – David F (1)

Goalie Shutout Win – Dave GdR (1-0, 1 shutout in the Schlitz)

Goalie Loss – Charlie O’D via PBR Punchout


Mega 0 @ Rainbows 1

Goalie Loss – Jeff H (0-1)

Rainbows – Dan C (1)

Goalie Win – Greenwald (1-0; 1 shutout in the Schlitz)



This was some good hackey eh! On to more box scores…


Rehabs 2 @ Fuzz 3 (F/OT)

Rehabs – Alex WM (2), Joey (1)

Goalie OTL – Eric R (1-0-1)

Fuzz – Gil (1), Jeff x2 (2)

Goalie Win – A. Coach (2-0)

Game Notes: I didn’t get to see Jeff’s goal real time in OT, but I got to recreate it with him later that night in our first of two MENS LEAGUE games. I think this calls for a pause…. Moving on! (For your own visual reenactment of the OT winner, I’d like to redirect you to the offices of “Robert” GLNZR of Crime Stoppers Long Island)


GANK 0 @ CK 1 (F/SO)

Goalie Shutout Shootout Loss – Craig LaC (1-0-1; 2 shutouts)

Goalie Shutout Shootout Win – Campbell W-W (2-0; 1 shutout)

Shootout Winner – Topshelf Tommy with help from Liam to seal the LoLShootoutWin

Game Notes: Campbell can be upbeat this week for his Black Squirrels friends who were in attendance- to see his best performance of the season- as CK finally shake off the cobwebs for a shootout win. Good thing no one is aware of the rule where if you throw your stick in a penalty shot situation, it’s an awarded goal (yayaya Derho moved backwards anyways, we know GLNZR, we know).

Quick Shifts: Losing Just isn’t a part of the CK playoff version of the btsh glossary heading into the final weekend as (wait is that a long lost week 18 box score reference? Good thing our media doesn’t mind re-posting the same bits, especially when people didn’t notice it the first time –I guess it’s a thing)….Craig gets another shutout, and somehow finds himself and GANK out of the playoffs….guess the saying “if you don’t let in a goal we can’t lose” isn’t entirely true L


Poutine 1 @ POUNDS 2

Poutine – Jonathan C (1)

Goalie Loss – RJ (1-1)

POUNDS – Jake from the dub (2), Roberts (1)

Goalie Win – Zisser (2-0)

Game Notes: Roberts capitalizes on first line minutes and doesn’t disappoint after returning from another work trip to NY for weekend hockey as he became the recipient of a wide open slightly less than a four-by-six after a coolly delivered set up from an always competitive Karsten forecheck which gave the Pounds the differential they needed to not have Roberts post aboot LOLshootouts all week and finish the game in regulation time!!!

Quick Shifts: For the first time in a few tries, POUNDS get out of a Katz Southeast Divisional three team matchup without any write-ups. We’ll call this one surprisingly clean!


FK 1 @ Filthier 3

FK – Nicole (1) (what’s this now, another brand new name for playoff scoring – who vets these rosters?)

Goalie Loss – Barch (1-1)

Filthier – James (1), The Mule x2 (4)

Goalie Win – Tim K (2-0)

Game Notes: The F teams which Hicks always gets confused with (make sure you have which team you’re jumping ship to next year straightened oot!) traded early goals and the addition of Gabe for the quarterfinals wasn’t enough to hold off Sean from picking up another playoff pair as Filthier show FK the door on the first of two back to back non PBR winning campaigns (assuming the usual once every three years is still the works)

Quick Shifts: Another two goals from Salt Boy Bills Mafia Buffalo Boy Sean “the Mule” Mullane….Why the heck did the Thints hide this kid back on defense in OC? ….I guess the ideal replacement for Suvin didn’t necessarily have to be a true Canadian…the buffalo winters are basically the same as in Regina, Saskatchewan.


Schlitz Cup Scores


TSR 2 @ Dank Bows 5

TSR – Suz x2 (2)

Goalie Loss – Dave GdR (1-1 in the Schlitz)

Bows – Karl (1), Matt F (1), Yetter (1), Wes (1), Dan C (1)

Goalie Win – Greenwald (2-0 in the Schlitz)

Game Notes: Rainbows have clinched a Schlitz-ship game on Sunday regardless of how they fair in their final game. TSR looks to improve to 2-1 against Mega to get the same opportunity and a rematch of this one.


Rut Rot 1 @ Mega 3

Rut Rot – Ellery is this a troll? (1)

Goalie Loss – EitanTheGoalie viaLemmeSchlitzWitYou

Mega – Caitlin via AF, Jeff B (1), Jonathan H (1)

Goalie Win – Jeff H (1-1 in the Schlitz)

Game Notes: Julie feel free to send me your weekly roundup of the stats we got wrong to all 5 of my personal/btsh inboxes. Thanks in advance! Signed, Zac Ball Hogg (insert signature here)

Update: We get our Jeff’s sorted out now!


Playoff Leaders


Suz TSR – 2 Goals in Schlitz

Sean “the Mule” Filthier – 4 Goals in PBR

Some others have 2 goals in PBR action including Jeff (1 was a OT GWG) of Fuzz, Alex WM of the recently eliminated REEEEhabs, Sam (both from the Play in Round so Meh) of Math, Tom (both on my team so another mEH) of Fresh Kills, and Jake (but he played professionally so one final MEH) of POUNDS.


Geenwald carries a 2-0 record, with a GAA of 1 and 1 shutout to match in the Schlitz

Craig LaC GANK – 2 shutouts; 1-0-1 record and ends the PBR playoffs with a GAA of zero 🙁

Some other goalies are 2-0 and Campbell is the only one of those with a shutout to my knowledge so I’m going to stop pumping his tires right here: /tirepumping





These will be the easiest box scores since week 1 because it’s that time of the year where we will re-set the scoring to count “playoff” goals rather than combine regular season and playoffs. Otherwise, Teets McGee would win by 10+ goals again like in past years if Fuzz! goes far(ther than last year).

On to the box scores…


Gut Rot 1 @ Demons 4

Gut Rot – Scott K (1)

Goalie Loss – Goalie Ed (0-1)

Demons – Bar Down Brad (1), Rubens (1), Zach T (1), Miles (1)

Goalie Win – Zach L (1-0)

Game Notes: Gut Rot didn’t have to worry about any phantom goals or any goals at all from Zach with an F but the rest of the Demons showed up and gave them too much to handle.

Quick Shifts: After an early marker by Gut Rot, the tide of the game was turning. With just a minute to go in the first half, Bar Down Brad (no Boatsexing, please) tied the game…Demons got a marker shortly thereafter in the second period, when after “W”ideo review (a short stoppage of play to conference), the referees determined that Demons had legally scored prior to a player entering the crease….from there that was all she wrote as the Demons piled on with two more goals to close out this play in game, 4-1.


‘Bows 4 @ Butchers 1

Rainbows – JessicaD (1), Brett H (1), Karl “Good’ay Mate” S (1), Dan (1)

Goalie Win – Greenwald (1-0)

Butchers – Dana (1)

Goalie Loss – Tim Brk (0-1)

Game Notes: Hearing all the cheering on the East court I wanted to stop refereeing the game on the West court. But from what I gather, some weird things happened and Rainbows got oot to an early lead. Some former field hockey players scored…and the Butchers couldn’t mount a comeback without Super Dave…the end.

Quick Shifts: Butchers lose their opening round playoff game to a division 4 team for the second time in two consecutive years….Yetter decided he didn’t have enough time to score (his btsh usual) two goals so he sat the second half off.


TSR 0 @ Mega 3

Goalie Loss – Dave GdR (0-1)

Mega – Michelle “kind of rhymes with Richard” Picard (1), Jeff B (1), Max T (1)

Goalie Shutout Win – Mike T (1-0; 1 shutout)

Game Notes: Everyone’s playoff bracket is yet to implode (what do you mean you picked Butchers?) as Shelly was able to skip oot early from her NWHL morning skate and make the Mega game on time.


Math 5 @ SKY 3

Math – Zach N (1), Jon M (1), Sam N x2 (2), James “Bobblehead” Bobby W (1)

Goalie Win – David L (1-0)

SKY – Christian H (1), Jake T (1), James McQ (1)

Goalie Loss – OG James (0-1)

Game Notes: Zach made sure that Sam reffed at 1pm so that he would be at their game on time (which is funny because they both literally showed up to the courts at 1:05pm….)

Quick Shifts: With Math and Demons locking up playoff round wins, both goalies with the “L” initial actually had “W’s”, a far cry from both going L-L-L-L….to start the year…..Sam takes an early lead in playoff scoring with the only multi goal game on the day with his brace which helped pace Math to a win.


This Playoff Round in Tweets

Keeping it light this week. See everyone Sunday.

I need the real answer. NOW.


Playoff Leaders


1) Sam of the Norrii Clan – Math (2)



1) Mike T – Mega (1 Win, 1 Shutout)


Once more goalies get more shutouts (or multiple wins) and other players score more than 1 goal, we will continue to add to the above list on a weekly basis!

After having back to back MENS LEAGUE (read: Open League) hat-trick/7 point efforts denied by a post off its non-existent moorings (when the heck will any of you American leagues codify a floating goal line rule in black and white, or red and white…or red/yellow/blue or whatever the goal line and surface are coloured**??), I’ll try to keep that salt saved for my non-btsh activities and not have that interfere with these much belated Week 18 scoring highlights.

Writer’s Aside: Fortunately, the BTSH social media calendar got taken up the past couple nights on some very engaging material- something new (Commissionherr romance???), something old (this belated box score post), something borrowed (PBR’s new baby the Schlitz Cup), and something blue but in this case also blue, red, partisan, and political (but it was deleted – you amateurs don’t take screenshots of funny stuff on your phones to gossip/joke around with others these days?) – so the salt rubbed off from this writeup during that extra time I waited to post this (finally), but don’t worry it’s as snarky as ever…so back to the regularly scheduled (but very late) writeup originally prepared!

Speaking of other leagues and their games this past weekend, that is also somewhat related to why I did not attend prom on Saturday. For those that went, it looked like you had a good time, or at least, portrayed your life on social media like you had, so a job well done and thank you to the social committee for running another great event!!

On to the box scores…


Hookers 5 @ Sky Fighters 4

Hookers – CJ (8), Bryan via ‘Bows x2, Tiff x2 (8)

Goalie Win – LeEBUG (1-0)

SKY – Matt R (6), Christian H (1), David C (2), Jake T (3)

Goalie Loss – OG James (4-10-1)

Game Notes: There was a last second game winning goal, and a not so last second game tying goal. Exciting finish, nonetheless!!

Quick Shifts: If your name is spelt Bryan and not Brian, I guess they aren’t garbage (time) goals? …We also need a weekly segment dedicated to Ryann aka Girl Ryann from Fuzz aka RNV’s gamesheets, as I’m not sure how best to re-report Jake Tiner as Jake the Snake with 1 assist 9/16!! on Matt’s goal….Cro kicking or not kicking the ball into his own net which was described as a “boo hoo”… and then someone’s name being crossed out for a goal being scored one second too late as time expired.


Poutine 3 @ Demons 2 F/SO

Poutine – Mike Pelts (5), Mike Pags (4)

Shootout Winner – “JVR” aka “Hornswoggle” aka “Ballon d’jeORome”

Goalie Win – RJ (5-4, GAA of 1.44)

Demons – Miles before the rain (6), Zach the Dark Helmet ChooChoo Train (6)

Goalie Loss – Zach L (3-6-2)

Game Notes: Since JVR is neither Linus Omark, nor a rookie, and a BTSH veteran (am I allowed to say that??), there were no pressers commenting on his shootout goal showmanship. Guess aging (don’t read: maturing; this is BTSH after all) has its benefits, too.


Gut Rot 2 @ Demons 5

Gut Rot – #TheOriginalScottK (8), #AkhilNation (9 but not 10)

Goalie Loss – Goalie Ed (4-10, GAA of at least the Sharks got EK65….!@?&*$$$ you man.)

Demons – Zach “he so Fine” xFOOOOUUUURRRRR (10), Zach T (7)

Goalie Win – Zach L (4-6-2, GAA of 2.92)

Game Notes: I think Chadwick gifted Izzy his mathematical scoring model, unfortunately, it worked against Akhil’s favour**, once again.

Determining the fate of Division 3 teams (and soon to be division 4 rivals) is tough.


Poutine 3 @ Bows 1

Poutine – Sulli x2 (completes game with 7th), Nicolette (2)

Goalie Win – RJ (6-4, GAA of something between 1.30 and 1.44)

Bows – Bryan L (still at 5)

Goalie Loss – Greenwald (4-10)

Game Notes: With multiple goalies playing this game and RJ playing a half without giving up a goal, the stats clearly get a little confusing!


Bows 2 @ Karma 5

Bows – Brett H x2 (2)

Goalie Loss – Greenwald (4-11)

Karma – S’Corey V x3 (9), Derek ZED (7), Big Ben Chadwick (4)

Goalie Win – Steve F (6-7-1)

Game Notes: You thought I forgot to bring it back, but no how could I forget my man Elon Musk who has been in the news recently for some questionable privatization communication over Twitter…

It seems like Probert is pretty comfortable playing with Derek ZED in green (but not light blue, so maybe a compromise is in order).

Quick Shifts: It’s a tampering/poaching/insider trading joke, people.


Math 2 @ Butchers 5

Math – Eli the guy with the hand-eye (4), Guy Numero Sept James (1)

Goalie Loss – Liang (3-10)

Butchers – “Tattoo guy with Jean Shorts” aka Brady C x3 (9), Pete D’A (7), Mike M (4)

Goalie Win – Tim Brk (4-7-1)

Game Notes: Would be a shame if the Butchers followed up their season by losing to another Michaliga Southeast Division 4 team in the(ir) first round like last year!

Quick Shifts: According to our ref notes, Math uses their girls more, so maybe they have a better chance of winning their upcoming play-in round playoff game?


Poutine 3 @ Pucks 0

Poutine – Mike Pelts (6), Kevin M (2), JVR (3)

Goalie Shutout Win – RJ (7-4, GAA of now around 1.30; 2 shutouts on the season)

Goalie Loss – Scott H (5-9)

Game Notes: Late in the contest Poutine sealed their 3 win day by firing off two empty netters, Dallas Stars style (from that year they won their division with all those empty net goals, you know?).


GANK 2 @ Filthier 3

GANK – Jimmy who? x2 (2)

Goalie Loss – Steve F via 2017 Karma Waiver Wire

Filthier – Salt Boy Sean M (4), Jaime D (7), Ann (5)

Goalie Win – Tim K (13-5, GAA of 1.89…only 1 shutout though, meh)

Game Notes: Wait, I thought a prerequisite for being a Salt Boy was playing on Gremlins?


Mega 2 @ CK 9

Mega – Alex EM (4), Ryan (1)

Goalie Loss – Mike T (5-9-2)

CK – Pete (3), Connor Q x2 (2), JJ x2 (5), Liam (9), Chris T (1), Nabatty (2), Gill Ween (Ate)

Goalie Win – Campbell (12-0-2, GAA of 1.21; 4 shutouts)

Quick Shifts: I guess this was an improvement from what… a 9-1 score line last year? It was within only a PAT converted touchdown this time (one score game basically).

Game in a meme: I presume that for some who played, this one went similar to a game from this past weekend… I’m just trying to keep the outdated posts relevant with current events here.

I presume JJ is looking forward to playing against some tougher inter divisional/conference competition next year?


Rehabs 5 @ Fuzz 1

Rehabs – HICKSY xFOOOOUUUURRRRR (10), Cherie (11)

Goalie Win – Crazy Cam via FA

Fuzz! – Jeff L (17)

Goalie Loss – Scott H via WTP

Game Notes: I guess the Pavel Barber videos didn’t work; Hicks needed to see someone like Gabe score 4 in the same day in OC to finally light the lamp a little bit more. Bonus! I guess Gabe showed him some tips on how to propose too, right down to doing it in the rain. Congrats Hicks & Herr!

Quick Shifts: Like his (in)famous teammate, Jeff also scores more in his non-Manhattan MENS LEAGUE. Can confirm.


Sky 1 @ FK 7

SKY – Mia (3)

Goalie Loss – Tim Brk via PigKnifeRansom

FK – Tom x4 (12), Nate (4), Gabe (11), Ariel (10)

Goalie Win – Dave GdR via FloatingGoalieGoalines

Game Notes: Tom qualifies for the playoffs by ensuring he scored in all 5 games he showed up to…hard to argue games played on that basis!

Quick Shifts: FK and WTP both beat SKY by 6 goals this year…so it’s a totally even Round of 16 matchup on paper then, right? ….Soko doesn’t even want to win this year, they win every third year anyway.


Gremlins 2 @ CK 4

Gremlins – Marcella (4), Ryan M (2)

Goalie Loss – Jamie B (9-6-2, GAA of 2.29; 4 shutouts)

CK – Siena “Foligno” (3), F Will G (10), Olivier (2 – oh, now GLZNR’s random picture collage from some random week’s 3 stars post (…or was it three not stars?) makes sense)

Goalie Win – Campbell (13-0-2, GAA of 1.27; 4 shutouts)

Game Notes: I guess Losing Just wasn’t in the CK amended version of the btsh glossary this year (in regulation). I don’t think they won any games in shootouts though…

Quick Shifts: Marcella’s early deft deflect wasn’t enough as CK overcame a short bench on the heels of a back to back to outlast the Gremmies.


POUNDS 3 @ Hookers 4

POUNDS – Buffalo Zach who is rostered for WTP in the playoffs…! x2, Avery (5)

Goalie Loss – Zisser (10-4-2, GAA of 1.94; 2 shutouts)

Hookers – Tiff H (8), Bryan L x2 via Cro’s Bros, Sarah N (3),

Goalie Win – Dusty (7-5-2, GAA of 2.07; 2 shutouts – impressive for a team that was struggling early this year to say the least!)

Game Notes: Avery didn’t show up for this one. But then he literally did, and then scored shortly thereafter, but the early surge from the Hookers was too much to overcome, as Frey was not able to stick it to Cro. Apparently people have fun doing that… or trying to.

Quick Shifts: Lol it’s like the Hookers got a Bryan who is better than Brian…the same way that WTP got a Zach who is better than…hey wait a minute here…


Gremlins 6 @ TSR 4

Gremlins – Erich x3 (18), Iannis (3), Courtney x2 (3)

Goalie Win – Jamie B (10-6-2, GAA of 2.39; 4 shutouts)

TSR – Kevin ZED (3), Max C x2 (2), Margot S the S stands for Sniper (5)

Goalie Loss – Dave GdR (2-12-1)

Game in a meme: Well, you could probably guess this one was coming. Oh and he almost missed an open net. Which of course is a lie, even though it says he did on the gamesheet notes, because he never shoots.

Do you know how hard it is to find pictures of JW smiling?


The BTSH season is coming to a close and that means its playoff extra tournament time! Post HockeyBeach, and another anti-climactic Shortis win in Ocean City, there is a ladies tournament coming in hot on September 15th to our very own Rockaway Beach. It’s aptly named Hock-away, and that pun is probably the best gag in this entire article (not to mention the TVM – time value of media, not money – is so low given the timing of this post anyways), so you might as well just stop reading here, after signing up, of course: here ladies.

Speaking of September tournaments, Cuba Gooding Jr made an appearance at one of inaugural JW invitational committee members’ birthdays this long weekend!

Scrap the Panik at the Disco expansion franchise ideas…Cuba and Justin have a bid in for an Old Baes Sauce team for 2019.


On to the box scores…


Week 17

Week 9 

Demons 3 @ Poutine 2 (F/OT)

Demons – Miles S (5), Josh Bash Brosen x2 (5)

Goalie Win – Hector $h0wT!m3 Melendez via FA

Poos – Nic H (2), TJ via Half Price Hamilton Tix (1)

Goalie OT Loss – Peter Parker via Air Canada

Game Notes: Teams were finally able to finish their game from earlier in the season…but of course they found a way to rain out their later one.

Quick Shifts: If you accidentally cross the Ottawa river from the Quebec side (in the case you are older than 18 and don’t need need to hang in Dirty Hull), Zak’s Diner has a poutine with enough smoked meat on it to match Cat’s Beef Beat (goes well with a large glass of chocolate milk too).

Which seats are best for poaching “Hamilton” players?


Week 17

Riots 1 @ Pucks 3

Riots – David F (4)

Goalie Loss – Dave GdR (2-11-1, GAA of a fallen basic beach)

Pucks – Justin (5), Sam McI (2), Steve T (1)

Goalie Win – Zac “back in my country there is no 18 yard box at and below the faceoff dots to cover the” Ball Hogg (2-0-0, GAA of a rapper)

Game Notes: When Izzy predicts us to lose, we usually win. It’s the guy on the left (James Duthie) effect, just like when he picked the Sabres to beat the Sens in the 2007 East Finals just because of his prognostication tendency to pick the Sens in playoff series they’d end up losing (which is/was at a Capitals like rate back in that era….sigh)


Hookers 2 @ Fuzz 4

Hookers – Tiff (6), TJ via Full Price Hamilton Tix (4)

Goalie Loss – Eitan via LemmeGoalie5Eva

Fuzz – Mike Teyt (21), Paul x3 (4)

Goalie Win – Coach (13-1-1, GAA of 2.27)

Game Notes: If only it was the Richard era and Fuzz could have given all of Paul’s goals to Teets. Unlike Gordie, Teets has earned his previous scoring championships. (Hopefully that last line didn’t trigger HICKSY like all my unassisted tucks at #HockeyBeach2018)


Rut Rot 2 @ Cobra Kai 4

RR – Heather A (1), Tommy C (3)

Goalie Loss – Goalie Ed (4-9-0, GAA of yes since Ed is now a mofo teammate and took over my goalie spot on Thints for 2018 he’ll continue to be lightly roasted- I’m not going to sit here and pump his tires)

CK – Big Russ x2 (4), JJ (3), Will G (7)

Goalie Win – Campbell (11-0-2, GAA of 1.16)

Game Notes: Good thing we play sneaker hockey and not sneaker footy because there were two own goals shared between both teams…I could not imagine the travesty of two players not getting awarded the goals they (did not) rightfully score (as they get recorded as OG’s in futbol). #FirstWorldBallHockeyProblems

Quick Shifts: Ed was in form again after a Luongo-in-Florida-before-Vancouver-like-40-save-4+-Goals-Against effort against Fuzz in Week 16 and followed it up with another valiant effort which included a Nabby-before-choking-for-the-millionth-time-against-the-Avs-on-that-Dan-Boyle-own-goal-on-the-reverse-chunked-in-the-net-in-OT like save in this game.


Pounds 2 @ Filthier 1

Pounds – ScottyK (19), Jake C (5)

Goalie Win – a light sizzle (10-3-2, GAA of 1.80)

Filthier – OP James (14)

Goalie Loss – Tim K (12-5-0, GAA of 1.89)

Game Notes: Luke was denied a Cheechoo like effort to break the deadlock in the second half as he drove to the net a la Brendan Gallagher (you Americans think of….Chris Kreider) and the play was null on a crease violation. However on the subsequent inbound Los Blancos turned over the ball in from the side and Chapsy snipped top corns and that was all she wrote as Pounds iced it in another peculiarly highly physical defensive outing. But since it was a playoff like affair both refs swallowed their whistles (and then their pride after the game).


Karma 0 @ Gremlins 2

Goalie Loss – Steve F (5-7-1, GAA of 3.23)

Gremlins – Rod S (3), Iannis T (2)

Goalie Shutout Win: Jamie the Original Varsity Warrior B (9-5-2, GAA of 2.19)

Game Notes: Walker wasn’t texting me all week saying he played horribly so he must have been…at least even on the day plus-minus wise.

Quick Shifts: Prior to the Week 13 rain out, Gremlins had points in 7 straight games, which included a 6 game win streak, but recently had a 3 game skid before righting the ship with a big southeast 3 Katz division win. Will it be enough in time for the playoffs? Of course not, there will be one game in a month prior to the Round of 16, what team is going to be feeling it come that extra unnecessary week off, eh?


Poutine 0 @ Demons 0 – PPD slip’n’slide-oot

Game Notes: With 9 and a half minutes left in the first half, everyone but Rubens wanted the game stopped as the teams had played one full game on the day and thought it better than playing more JW would get to over the next few weeks while he was OOO (as the office is clearly anything comprising a black top rink).

That puddle…tis just another defender to shoot the ball in off of/screen the goalie for you.


Fresh 9 @ Butchers 3

FK – Gabe x3 (10), Roxy (1), Frank x2 (3), Tom x2 (6), Soko (7)

Goalie Win – Barch (8-3-1, GAA of an abnormally high subway fare)

Butchers – Dana (3), SUPER Dave (4), Pete D’A (4)

Goalie Loss – Tim Brk (3-6-1)

Game Notes: Has Frank played 5 games?


Sky Fighters 4 @ REEEEEEEhabs 7

SKY – Joseph not W x2 (2), Katie S (5), Joe W (8),

Goalie Loss – OG James (4-9-1, GAA of 3.28)

‘habs – Sena (2), Alex WM x2 (10), Hicksy (6), Mo (5), Cherie (9), Buffalo Zach G via WTP (2)

Goalie Win – Hector $h0wT!m3 Melendez (3-1, GAA of a normal subway fare)

Game Notes: Cherie was prepping for OC by getting her Cherie picking on.


Math 4 @ ‘biters 5

Math – Josh Wilson x2 via Left Wing Rainbow Poaching (FA), Bradley S (3), Jon M (9)

Goalie Loss – Liang (3-9)

GANK – Chris B (5), Caroline MB (2), Joe P (7), Probie (19), Nolan “Patrick” (1)

Goalie Win – Jamie B via Approved League Sub?

Game Notes: Does Probert care (about the scoring race)? I have screenshots which MAY or may not confirm in the affirmative.


Dank-bows 5 @ Mega 4 (F/SO)

‘bows – Josh W Not Wilson Wagner (1), Dan C via FA, Kat “Dragon” C (2), Yetter (7)

Goalie Win – David #MyHotLegs2018 G. (4-9-0, GAA of 3.29)

Shootout Winner – Yetter for almost another two goal effort

Mega – Jeff B (9), Alok G (7), Max T (2), Joe L (4)

Goalie Shootout Loss – Mike T (5-8-2, GAA of 2.93)

Game Notes: I wonder where Yetter picked up the lose-the-ball-and-score -in-the-shootout-for-the-winner move and the chirpy fourth division behaviour….couldn’t have been from any of his new mofo teammates I’m sure.

Quick Shifts: Don’t look now (actually, I had to look at my goalie tracking figures to realize….) the ‘bows have 3 straight wins and could make that streak as many as 5 depending on how the rest of their games on 9/9 go.

Peanuts: Yes, Julie; “What the Puck won anyways”. We can flip the division names around next year, post Week 18 goal differential pending….if you please.


Butchers 4 @ Kills 6

Butchers – Pete D’A x2 (6), SUPER Dave (5), Hey Arnold S (1)

Goalie Loss – Tim Brk (3-7-1)

FK – Tom x2 (8), Nick S (7), Ariel (9), Gabe (11)

Goalie Win – Barch (9-3-1, GAA of 2.62)

Game Notes: Has Tom played 5 games?


Week 17 (and #HB2018) in Tweets

These are totally not Week 17 related #DoubleClick

To start us off this week we had Karma @ Demons Week….13?

(All I know is this is a replay of some game that Rubens wanted to play. Actually it’s Week 13 and the way I can tell is if both teams’ stats are blank for scoring in my tracker, which I then reconfirm if Cobra Kai also was rained out the same day- since they haven’t lost a game they always have a goal scorer to boot #analyticalprocedures #AuditorProudDay2018)…Week 13 it is. On to the box scores;

Karma 4 @ Demons 3 (F/OT) Week 13 Makeup

Karma – Derek “spell the letter phonetically” ZED (6), BBC Pluto (3), Liz T (1), Matt S (5)

Goalie Win – Steve F (4-6-1)

Demons – Zach T (6), Bash BROsen David (2), Bash BROsen Josh (3)

Goalie OTL – Charlie O’D via Zog Days of Summer

Game Notes: Is it too early to start asking who Derek ZED will be poached by for 2019?



Demons 1 @ POUNDS 3

Demons – Brian Bats (2)

Goalie Loss – Dave GdR via back in the T(S)SR

Pounds – Karsten (10), Jason x2 (4)

Goalie Win – Mike “they really better not rank goalies by GAA after Hogg’s 1 shutter” Zisser (9-3-1, GAA of 1.86)

Game Notes: Los Blancos almost had as many write-ups as they did goals. I guess technically the Demons did too, since zero is close to 1.

Quick Shifts: Eli will call for time and have Pounds players say “Fuzz!” three times fast next week to settle them down; verbal warnings clearly don’t work with those guys (and girls).

Crisis: Averted!



Cobra Kai 3 @ Filthier 2

CK – Top Shelf Tommy (7), A Provider (2), Rachel “back to back GwG” Longley (3)

Goalie Win – Showtime from the Free Agent List (I hear he’s rostered now)

Filthier – Sunny x2 (16)

Goalie Loss – Tim K (12-3, GAA of 1.88)

Game Notes: I refereed the first 10 minutes of this game and everyone on CK had a Corsi % of 90+%, which looks great when the shots are 11-1 in your favour, but they were down 1-0 when Sunny opened the scoring off a nice one timer fed over from one of the many sneaky Mark Stone esque takeaways by OP James on the day. Our CK Beat Reporter said most of the rest of the game went the same way (must have- even Rush was shooting evidently).

Quick Shifts: Tim K must have played really well to keep this one close! Unfortunately no photos so he doesn’t make an appearance in our new segment before the Tweets of the Week.



Dank Rainbows 3 @ Math 2 (F/OT)

Dank – Dan C (2), Yetter x2 (6)

Goalie Win – Greenwald (3-8)

Math – Showtime from the Free Agent List (No really, he’s going to be rostered), Jon M (8)

Goalie Loss – Eitan via LemmeGoalie4u

Game Notes: Hope these FA goalies didn’t get a heat stroke out there on Sunday, they seemed to have had a heavy workload. Maybe league subs should be more utilized in the (Fake) Zog Days of Summer?

Quick Shifts: Lol Yetter did score 2 again. That’s a late Week 15 box scores reference.



Karma 2 @ Butchers 1

Karma – SCory (6), Brianna (6)

Goalie Win – Steve F (now 5-6-1)

Butchers – Brady (6)

Goalie Loss – Peter Parker B via got lost on the way to Joe’s Pizza at West 4th street

Game Notes: Which BTSH vet historian should I hit up to ask when the last time Karma won 2 games…in the same day? Who should I ask for clarification on both game winning goal scorers?

Matt and Brianna…probably!

Quick Shifts: Lol Scory Cory and Brianna each scored a goal in the same game again. That’s another late Week 15 box scores reference.



Hookers 8 @ Riots 0

Hookers – Clark H x2 (4), Sarah (3), CJ x2 (7), Danilo (5), Tiff x2 (5)

Goalie Shutout Win – Dustin (6-5-2, 2nd Shutout, GAA of 2.00, 2nd shutout)

Goalie Loss – Dave GdR (2-10-1)

Game Notes: Unfortunately neither Sarah nor Danilo could pick up a brace like the rest of their teammates and finish this game early.

Quick Shifts: No garbage goals for Cro as he was too scared to get hit by the ball whilst in his Cro’s nest. Where would the tap-ins % stand on this list?



Gremlins 3 @ Fresh Kills 6

Gremlins – Magic Man the Mighty Tim x2 (6), Marcella (3)

Goalie Loss – Jamie (8-5-2, GAA of 2.33)

Fresh Kills – Eugene (4), Koho Soko x2 (6), Nick S (6), Nate x2 (3)

Goalie Win – Patty B (7-3-1, GAA of 2.45)

Game Notes: Add another disallowed goal via the crease to the tally.

Crisis: Partially Averted!



Mega 3 @ Biters 0

Mega – Max T (1), Alok G (6), Julie K (4)

Goalie Shutout Win – Tuckman (5-8-1, GAA of 2.86, 2nd Shutout in 2 weeks, 3rd on the year)

Goalie Loss – Dee J Bubble (4-4)

Game Notes: Julie either has a thing for Will Arnett or my box score write ups (probably the former), and continued to be a goal suck, potting an empty netter late to seal the victory.

Quick Shifts: The game scores were already posted this week, if you need assistance, you can use this link and press ctrl+f for “Week 16”! Cheers. I mean, “sooorry”…..Craig came back for his first start in months and kept his GAA standpat at 3. Now that is Carter Hutton kind of consistency. (Sooorry, no, I’m not getting you the link for that reference, be a resourceful reader!)



WTP 6 @ SkyF 0

DaPucks – Brennan (2), Dave MacC (2), Susie (4), Sam (1), Emily (3), Maurice the goal scorer via FA

Goalie Shutout Win – Hoggystyle (1-0-0, 1.000% Sieve %, 0.00 GAA, 1 Shutout, v sieve like .68 SV+%)

Goalie Loss – Eitan via iHatePlayingAgainstJustinEveryWeek

Game Notes: After a 5 save, 6-0 team win, the 2nd Star of the Week actually goes to~

Sam                                                 Michaliga                       Dave

Captain Emily!                           Steve                                Buffalo Zach “the” G.

BTSH Vet Susie                          David T.                          Maurice H.

              Claire                                             Brennan “The L stands for Low Event Hockey” Leong

              Aisling                                          Noah “the C stands for CPA” Carter

              Karon Michelle the FA            Sean F.

    (Not Ball Hogg/Hoggystyle)

Cat will likely keep my 2nd star though…it’s fine, I don’t hate you, you’re just not my buddy, guy girl – actually, I just don’t say hi because I’m socially awkward (can’t you tell from these write-ups?)

Quick Shifts: The WTP emergency third stringer “Scott Foster” might have forgotten to don a toque (do we need the Will Arnett clip again?) and doesn’t remember all the goal scorers from the game (for the first time ever), but he still managed to get a penalty the first time he touched the ball as a goalie in BTSH, much like his debut as an FA out player in 2016 (stick checking on a deke then, high ball on a pass to a d-person now)…..Speaking of keeping streaks alive….Captain Emily scored the fifth goal in a shutout win, so that’s another game winning goal per Izzy’s math….and Maurice comes as advertised, a sniping goal scorer….after committing to a half season with WTP, Fleming (with one “m”!) showed up for a few shifts, finally….Ryann the Ref was quick to point out all 6 of the Vandoos and their FA crease violations made it very tough to ref.

Quick Shifts Another Hasek Clip: Thanks Sky Fighters, for giving us a reason to pull this clip. (Okay I cannot find the video but his quote is in there somewhere)

Crisis: Averted!


Rehabs 4 @ P Machine 2

Les Habitants – JoeyBats (8), Monique R (4), Cherie x2 (9)

Goalie Win – Eric R (6-3, GAA of 2.22)

Les Separitists – Mike M (4), Brian S (6)

Goalie Loss – RJ Fuzz Co. (4-4, GAA of 1.50)

Game Notes: Brian Sulli has a 4 game goal scoring streak and decided to sit out from his team’s Fake Zog playoff game so he can snap it in OC, instead #We’reGoingBlackTopStreaking!!!

Quick Shifts: Did JoeyBats bring free food for half time??? I picked the wrong 6pm game to ref!

What’s for Dinner: The Montreal Pool Room doesn’t have pool tables anymore, but still serves poutine around Montreal’s Red Light District (that’s like a hockey red light reference, right?)


Fuzz 6 @ Rut Rot 2

Fuzz – Mike “told you he’d be in the lead” Teets x3 (20), RNV (9), Gil x2 (6)

Goalie Win – Coach (12-1-1, GAA of 2.29)

Gut Rot – Akhil x3 2 (8 maybe make it 9?)

Goalie Loss – Eddy the Eagle (4-7, GAA sure looks like the aftermath of a Pizza line drubbing against the Laughs too)

Game Notes: Chadwick found Rut Rot funny so we let that typo go through our peer editing review prior to “print”….and I wasn’t sure where to link these in my post, but since they was a no goal controversy (not really, it didn’t go in and the goal was immaterial given the 5 or 6 goal differential at the time, so any error was de minimis #AbovePerformanceMateriality #Immaterial #AuditorProudDay2018) I’ll ask it here;

Is this goal legal in BTSH?

Is this goal legal in BTSH?

How about 3 on 3 in BTSH?

Quick Shifts: I’ll start the GoFundMe to bring back Bob W for video review!

Crisis: Averted!



How to Goalie

I’ve seen a lot of goalies in and out of the lineup lately, so for those who need to fill in on Sunday, here’s some quick pointers…


1.  Hug your post

Now that is how to hug a post. No BS VH or Reverse VH method.


2. Keep your fivehole closed.

Those legs were more open than a 5 dollar Corlears Park Hooker. That is not star worthy.


3. Stay big in there and challenge the shooter.



Tweets of the Week

Someone asked that they be featured in the Tweets this week. And that we did (naturally, we roasted them). #DoubleClick