1 pm GAMES – by Hornswoggle V to the R
Instant Karma at Cobra Kai
Karma and the Dojo are looking to rejuvenate themselves with a win after losing to the Butchers and Filthier, respectively. Ben “The Chairman”/“Chadtrick” Chadwick narrowly missed his third last week, meaning he’ll be gunning for four on Sunday just to average out a “Chadtrick”. Cobra Kai will probably be running on a mean streak, since they got blanked the previous week, in part due to Denis’ hatty. Since this is a division rivalry game, I expect the stakes—and tensions—to rise as the game progresses.
Prediction: Karma will edge out the Dojo by one goal, but only because of the longest stick in the league.
Tompkins Square Riots at Butchers
These squads are first in their divisions and are tearing up their own division rivalries. Butchers are on a three-game win streak, and my ROTC sergeant used to say in his Jamaican accent, “The higher the monkey climbs, the more he is exposed.” Consider the Butchers’ ascendancy incentive for the capable Riots to quash any lofty thoughts that might have been lingering. With my favorite player Vanck in the roster, there will be no shortage of players giving 110% on their shifts in this match.
Prediction: But given Rachel’s new development of having a nose for the net, the Riots may find themselves in a trifle. Butchers will probably eke a win by only two goals.
2 PM GAMES – by Rachel Impersonator
Filthier at Fuzz
This matchup is very interesting. Both teams are on a collision course to meet in the playoffs and we’re curious to see which strategy their captains will use. Do they sit players like Dennis, Jeff, James and All-Stars Kate and Miles and keep their cards close to the chest? Or will they say ‘fuck it’ and go all in? For the league’s sake, and entertainment value, we’re hoping the latter.
Prediction: Filthier shows the Fuzz what it takes to be a champion and takes it 7-4.
Poutine Machine at What The Puck
How many ladies will be participating for the Pucks this week? We know Second Stars Susie and Emily will be there, but how about the others? You know who will be showing up for Poutine, a safe bet is on Shut-down Charlotte and Natalie. Susie never takes her eye off of the ball and Emily has a knack for attention to detail. However Charlotte doesn’t allow anyone to score and Natalie’s just about making it look good. Hmmmm…
Prediction: Emily is the difference in this contest and the Pucks roll 4-1.
3 PM GAMES – by Isaac
Fresh Kills at Gouging Anklebiters
The Biters just can’t seem to catch a break lately and it only gets tougher on All-Star Sunday against one of the league’s top teams. Last week the Kills auditioned the Tennessean Loud Mouth to match the vocal burst of their opponent and it barely worked. If that kid returns this week then he’ll have to contend Sarah and Joe P. Oh yeah, and Probie finally returns.
Prediction: Biters keep it 100 and get 4 past Barch, 4-3.
Dark Rainbows at Gremlins
You really want to root for them Gremlins, you really do, but Walker just keeps pulling in ringers from around the league. For the past two weeks they’ve borrowed the talents of Cheeky from Mega Touch and a couple others before that. But Captain Abby and her Rainbows don’t care. Use who you want to. It doesn’t faze them.
Prediction: without being able to barrow from within the league this week the Gremmies are handed defeat in regulation 3-2.
430 PM GAMES – by RichieHer0
Gut Rot as Mega Touch
Mega and Gut Rot face off in a formerly-known-as-Greene Division matchup. But unlike their hero Rachel, Gut Rot has found trouble putting in goals this year. Mega on the other hand is trending upwards. They are .500 and only a point behind the Riots.
Prediction: The two teams battled a few weeks ago and unlike Instant Karma, Mega Touch won. For me, much like any politician I’m going to go with ‘what’s in it for me?’ Diane has bought me one amazing shirt. ’99 problems but sleeves ain’t one’. Julie on the other hand has “bought” me several Mets and Ranger shirts that she gets free at the games. Several free shirts > than 1 paid shirt. Even if I love that paid shirt the most. Mega 3-1.
Corlears Hookers at Mathematics
The Hookers are like the old QB from Any Given Sunday. They still have talent to win big games, but they need a lot of help from Jamie Foxx to get to the next level.
Meanwhile Math needs to update their Match.com profile. Their pictures no longer match what they look like today.
Prediction: The Hookers don’t want to come in last in the formerly-known-as-Newman Division. But I don’t think Jamie Foxx, Eitel or Putka show up. I also think Math brings a spirited 10. But it won’t be enough as the Hookers prevail 5-2. I’m willing to bet a beer and 9 squat thrusts on this one.
530 PM GAMES – by Isaac
LBS, Inc. at Rehabs
Looking for something to keep you entertained while waiting for the main event that is the All-Star game? Then check this out. Storylines galore in what should be a fantastic game. The lines of Karsten-Scott-Ali against Alex-Carlton-Monique is sure to give us highlight worthy plays. Along with the matchup of speedsters Ramy and Boylan (Sam Norris challenge alert: who can get to the loose ball first?) each team is going to need to be aware of their surroundings. But the real game within the game is between two of the best goalies in BTSH, Ramirez and Brown.
Prediction: Rehabs narrowly escape 2-1 and replace the LBS as the new No. 1 in the Power Rankings.
Denim Demons at Sky Fighters
It’s out of character for these teams to struggle to score, but for the past couple of weeks it has been a bit of a challenge for them. Last week the Demons brought up some welcome talent from their farm system, the Yeshiva League, and it almost paid dividends. (Keep that stick down kid!) The Sky Fighters on the other hand were sporting some fancy new hats and it brought them luck. (Mia’s camo one is pretty sweet.) Will it again this week?
Prediction: the refs run out of ‘de-escalation’ cards, but somehow Popack is the voice of reason in the end and so are the Demons 3-1.
ALL-STAR GAME 2016
Gordie Howe Banana Hat Tricks at BALLS
Its here! It’s finally back! It’s the BTSH All-Star Game 2016! The stage has been set and the players have been
volunteeredelected. Team BALLS is famous for having the biggest ones of them all (and letting everyone know about it). And team GH-BHT is well known for slipping multiple ones past the goalkeeper. Both squads feature players that are well deserving of the honor of representing their teams in season’s game.
Prediction: the Banana Hat Tricks’ (can someone on their team please explain to me what that is exactly?) wily bunch may have the scales of talent tipped in their favor, but we don’t see the BALLS being intimidated, we see them winning the All-Star game 21-17.
So, now that we all know who’s playing in it, lets find out about who isn’t…
Team Heckle Wall
Captaining the Heckle Wall is league agitator, Eli Kazin. And he’s not taking this responsibility lightly. Apparently he’s assembled a crew of the most detestable bunch from around the league. Zach, Cathy, Da Belt, Cro-daddy (who is somehow playing and heckling), Morgen, Perko, Ruebens, Chadwick, Cheeky and Soko have been brainstorming all week on what encouraging phrases will rattle the All-Stars best.
Team West Court Sideline
Getting the people to the sideline will be Probie and the Anklebiters, who know the way to bring crowds to an event is through their stomachs (food stand opens around 436 pm). Rallying the sideline team will be their captain, and league tigress, Julie Katz. With her will be misfits the likes of Brady, Sullivan, Popack, Christina, Olivier, Worky, Commish, Jamie, Derek, Rachel, and Jimmy to give the players their worst. (And maybe a couple extra balls from time to time. It’s been known to happen.)
Which team will you be on?