Man I am getting tired of all these hat tricks.  They just aren’t fun to write about.  I remember when hat tricks were rare in this league.  Also, back in my day I walked to school in the snow every day, uphill both ways.  You kids today don’t know how easy you have it. 
Not only are all these hatties not fun to write about, are they even exciting when they happen anymore??  I mean, it’s like every. damn. week. with you people. 
In protest – no hat trick scorers are getting stars this week. Period.
James Stewart scored 4 goals (!!!), and his hat trick came in the first half (!!!)  Amazing, but, you score all the time, James.  Nothing for you. Also, save that shit for Ocean City, J-Stew. (insert gratuitous Instant Shawarma shout out here.)  Jeff Ruel from Poutine scored his first career hat-trick this week.  That’s awesome, and congrats Jeff…..but you picked the wrong week to do it.  Some guy named Zach Fein (???) on the Demons who no one’s ever heard of also scored a hat trick.  Maybe it was his first career hat trick.  You know what, I don’t care anymore.  Lastly, some dude named Gabe scored one.  I don’t know who he is, but apparently he now has 24 goals on the season.

Ok, hat trick rant over.  Now for your 3 stars of the week…

3rd star:
Anyone who stayed and watched all of the Mega-Karma shootout  (and didn’t fall asleep)

This shootout went 11 rounds.  (That’s right, I said 11 rounds!)  That’s 22 shooters.  How many of them actually made moves and had a chance to potentially score? Maybe 5 or 6.  Maybe.  There was a lot of shooting it right into the goalie.  There was a lot of the ball getting away from the shooter and them not even getting a shot off.  It was kind of like watching little kids pick up a hockey stick for the first time and try a shootout.  But, like, 2 year old kids.  Not like, 7 or 8 year old kids. The most exciting thing about this shootout was the heckling.  All of you who stayed and watched deserve this star, and a pat on the back.  When the shooters failed to entertain you, you entertained yourselves. To stop yourselves from nodding off you screamed, you shouted, you pointed and laughed. You hoped all this action on the sidelines might inspire someone to actually score so that the intense misery experienced by everyone involved would finally end. But it just kept going on, and on…..and ON.  It was like 8pm, all your friends were already at the bar, all you wanted to do was leave to join them, or go eat, or literally anything else. You weren’t sure which you would die of first – starvation or boredom. But despite all this you stuck with it.  You stuck with it and you made it fun. While you really deserve much more for this feat of patience, all I have to offer you is the 3rd star. 

Seriously, watching Jamie’s gear dry would have been more exciting than watching that shootout.

2nd star: Brady Caldwell – Mega Touch

                                                                                                          He’s so dreamy.

Brady stepped up and did what no one else could (well, at least, what no one else on Mega or Karma could, clearly). He ended the 11-round Mega Touch/Instant Karma shootout.  Brady shot first in this shootout, it then went 10 rounds through Mega’s ENTIRE order and got back to him.  He pulled up and ripped a shot right past Jamie, and that was the end of it.  When asked about this shootout captain Julie Katz said “This was all part of my plan, I let them borrow Jamie because I predicted an 11-round shootout, and I know that once a shootout goes past 10 rounds, Jamie can’t make any more saves. That Ben Chadwick is a fool. Also, do you have any candy, John?”  Life doesn’t always give you 2nd chances, but Brady got one on Sunday, and he made it count. For giving your team a much-needed win against a favored team (and for finally ending everyone’s anguish) I award you 2nd star. At the same time, Alex Eben Meyer said it best when he said “You should’ve just done that the first time.”

Side note: Personally, I wasn’t sure that Brady didn’t kick the puck in. I wish there was a video somewhere to confirm that. 

Video

1st star of the week: Mike Tuckman – Mega Touch

Ok, so I had jokes about the ineptitude of the shooters in the Mega-Karma shootout. But in reality, Tuckman had to make some tough saves….and make them he did.  Certainly not 11 tough saves, but a handful.  There were at least a couple occasions where Karma shooters tried to go forehand-backhand on him and he did the ol’ 2-pad-stack.  We were loving it.  Not only did he excel in the shootout, making every single save against ELEVEN SHOOTERS, he also kept his team in the game throughout all of regulation.  It should also be noted that Tuckman refuses to wear anything except old school street hockey gear.  Not only does this make him far cooler than you, it arguably puts him at a disadvantage in net as compared to his ice gear-wearing counterparts, thus making his feat on Sunday all the more impressive. Tuck, for overcoming the odds and pulling out an amazing underdog victory for your team, I award you 1st star.  But, please, never let a 5:30 game shootout go on that long again, we implore you.