From the monthly archives: "August 2019"

By Jess

Isaac sent the email asking who would want to write 3 stars at 2pm on Sunday and I’m not sure if I was too hungover to understand what I signed myself up for but anyways here we go:

Third Star

The veterans (Walsh, Chadwick, Heather, Sarah M, Coco etc.) who, year after year continue to rage, set the tone, and make it fun for everyone.

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Inflatable T-Rextions

By Wes

Inflatables and hockey — why not? While a normal hockey team might focus on discipline and (gasp) inflatable-free mobility, the Inflatable T-Rextions will charm you with their complete disregard for both, instead embracing the questionable decision that led a group of 30- and 40-something-year-olds to don blow-up children’s toys and abandon any sense of responsibility.  And while we’re at it: sobriety, hygiene, and public decency, too.

Some didn’t bring enough inflatables so they were kicked off.

Embracing their prehistoric namesake, this group of slack-jawed troglodytes will likely revel their descent into loud banter, witty rejoinders and clever heckling. You should watch out. Gone are the days where a team will win “on the scoreboard”; we’ve already won. We’re in your head.

Lee ate a magic bean and got huge. Beware.

So, come game-time you’ll be reduced to a whimpering mess as you endure our continual verbal onslaught while simultaneously facing the challenge of side-stepping un-coordinated drunken masses of human flesh and pools of vomit. There is no path to victory here, friend.

Feeling a little bad that Worky stole a 9 year old’s unicorn, but very happy Stoli is in our life now.

As noted by veteran burn-out, Lee, these air-filled dinosaur phaluses don’t care for scoring (goals…we’re plenty good at the other scoring) or dicks (both people who showcase the personality trait and, for most ladies on the team, the appendage), but we do care “for each other”. And isn’t that really what it’s all about?

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written by Cat

Rich has reluctantly added me back on the media payroll, Isaac is gone, Alex and JW are my editors, so you’d think I couldn’t get away with my usual shit (ie. soft stars, soft jokes about the beef beat, rainbows propaganda,) but guess what? I only sing one song, suckers.

THIRD STAR

Shannon from the Anklebiters

I don’t like to compliment anyone on the Biters except for Probert and only when he gets us drink specials but I am a woman who supports women so go Shannon!

Cobra Kai and Gouging Anklebiters went like 6 or 7 rounds in an overtime shootout. Craig ultimately never let anything past him; and Shannon got the game-winning goal.

This is a real two-fer because Rich hates shootout goal stars, and he hates giving stars to girls for scoring.

No autographs, please.

SECOND STAR

Dan from the Dark Rainbows

Have you heard of Dan yet?

He is Canadian. Dan is short for a woman’s name. His girlfriend brings a dog that will allow us to put a wizard hat on it. Dan is very talented at hockey. And he scored both of our goals on Sunday, wrenching us out of a tough 7 game losing streak. Unconfirmed but these might have been his first career BTSH goals, I am fuzzy on the stats, but that is mindblowing if you have seen him take the ball from end to end as many times as I have. If you poach him, Jess will set fire to your home (allegedly).

FIRST STAR

Rain cleaners

To complete my soft stars, first star goes to the good samaritans who stayed and cleaned the courts in the downpour, rather than fleeing to Doc Holliday’s and ordering beers.

HONORABLE MENTIONS

BTSH media for getting its groove back with pizza previews + flow feature

Filthier for eking out a shutout with just 7 players – Ann played the whole game and scored the game-winning goal, and great playing by Kate (with a bad back no less!) and Jean.

Isaac is away this week and we all have no idea what the hell we’re doing. It’s ok, I think I got this…

Filthier blanked the Butchers 3-0.

#GoalieBecca played great again, but the Rainbows edged out Gut Rot 2-1. (I hadn’t seen Jessica that happy since she told me about the time she was front row for One Direction.)

Poutine took down the, umm, “wily” Demons.

In the game of the day, OT wasn’t enough to settle the 1-1 deadlock between Kai and the Biters. Craig stopped all shooters in the 6 or 7 round shootout, and Shannon scored the only shootout goal, giving the Biters the extra point.

Mega came back from a 1-0 deficit in the 2nd half to top the Riots, 3-1.

Lbs continued to roll as they notched another W, this time over Fuzz.

Grems/Karma and WTP/Sky Fighters both got rained out in the 2nd half.

The 6pm matchups between the Hookers/Math and Rehabs/Fresh Kills were also washed out.

We feel the same way that Sarah did about the late rainouts…

At the 11th hour (literally, or 23rd on Jo-Ann’s 24 hour clock…whatever the heck that is), here are the Week 15 box scores. Hope everyone enjoyed their pizza (preview) Fridays! Very nostalgic. Were you a 1 cheese slice or 2 pepperoni slice kid? I think the best slices we ever got were from Mr Mozzarella in grade 6. What Pizza Friday slice do you remember the most?

What do you call a cheesy high stick? American.

Habs 0 @ GANK 1

Goalie Loss – Eric R (4-4, GAA 1.10)

Biters – Andy M (1)

Goalie Shutout Win – Craig “used shoes salesman” LaC (10-1, 5 Shutouts, GAA 1.16)

Game Notes: HockeyBeach 2018 poaching comes full circle nearly 1 year to the date as Andy pots the difference between his new and former teammates.

Karma 4 @ Mega 0

Karma – Liz T (2), Sara L via FA, Derek Zed (12), SCory Cory (5)

Goalie Shutout Win – Steve F (4-4, 1 Shutout, GAA 2.68)

Goalie Loss – The Tuck Man (4-4, GAA 2.32)

Fuzz 4 @ Math 3

Fuzz – Miles (6), Gil (6), Jeff (7), Teets McGee (8)

Goalie Win – Tim Bwn (7-5, GAA 2.13)

Math – Jack McG x2 (8), Bradley S (1)

Goalie Loss – David L (5-5, GAA 2.57)

Riots 1 @ Poutine 2

Riots – Jake T (2)

Goalie Loss – Dave GdR (3-8)

Poutine – James McQ (5), Hornswoggle (2)

Goalie Win – Chris S via FA

FK 4 @ Hookers 1

FK – Andrew (2), Gabe x2 (7), Ariel (4)

Goalie Win – Barch (4-4, GAA 1.98)

Hookers – Sara L via FA

Goalie Loss – Dustin O (8-2, GAA 1.57)

Demons 2 @ Fighters 1

Demons – Bar Down Brad x2 (4)

Goalie Win – Zach L (6-4, GAA 1.92)

Sky – Dana L (3)

Goalie Loss – OG James (3-3, GAA 1.64)

Rut Rot 0 @ Gremlins 3

Goalie Loss – Goalie Becca (0-2, GAA 2.50)

Gremlins – Iannis x2 (3), Allison B (1)

Goalie Shutout Win – Jamie B (7-5, 4 shutouts, GAA 1.46)

Game Notes: Becca’s goalie gear was off in 2.22 seconds after the final whistle. That’s faster than most goons lose their gloves for a fence pushing tilly.

Advncd Anlytcs: Whatever shutout, GA, and GAA is published for Jamie, there is a 100% chance that Walker will complain about it. He’s only even (a plus and a minus) on corrections mailed in by his non-millenial carrier pigeon to the commissionherr’s office thus far in 2019.

Pounds 2 @ Butchers 1

Los Blancos – Scotty K (3), Roberts (8)

Goalie Win – Zak C via Demons

Butchers – Jake T (7)

Goalie Loss – Tim Brk (2-7, GAA 2.83)

Game Notes: Butchers have another strong defensive effort but lose late to a heart-breaking goal by a team leading 8th goal from Roberts.

DaPucks 3 @ White Rainbows 2 F/SO

WTP – McCauley via weekly Pizza Preview Ringers (1), Annie via rostered ringers (3)

Goalie Shootout Win – Ed P via rostered Thints poachee ringers (6-5, GAA 2.21)

Dark Bows – Yetter totally not a ringer (7), Dan C totally not a ringer (1)

Goalie Shootout Loss – Greenwald #HotLegs2018Ringer (2-11)

Shootout Winner – Michaliga shootout winner ringer (with help from Patty Kane ringer and Kuzy ringer)

Game Notes: So many ringers! And we didn’t even mention Nate No Show Lerner yet.

Advncd Anlytcs: After two quick goals by the Rainbows Ringers early, WTP’s 2 scorers in regulation were the only 2 to whiff in the skills comp for the bonus point.

Filthier 2 @ CK 1 F/SO

Filthier – Sunny (6)

Goalie Shootout Win – Tim K (9-3, GAA 1.39)

Cobra Kai – Liam (3)

Goalie Shootout Loss – Ryan M (0-5, GAA 2.55)