From the monthly archives: "June 2019"

By The Meatbox and Richiepoothang

Hicks:  In honor of debate season kicking off, it only seems appropriate to revisit one of the pivotal movements of our time. A movement that is undoubtedly the cornerstone upon which the 2020 election shall be built.

It was Spring a few years ago. I’d try to get the actual date, but people aren’t answering my texts.

Glanzer: People are jerks.

Hicks: Some more that others for sure. You know who nobody thinks is a jerk? Probie. I think it’s because he scores a lot of goals. So much so that in spring a few years ago it caught the eye of a new guy in town who had just moved to the big city from Boise, Idaho. I’ll give you one guess who this is.

Glanzer: Is Idaho another word for Iowa? Because I’m going to guess Sarah T. if it is.

Hicks: Well, you got the first letter right. But no, Idaho is its own state.

Glanzer: You sure seem to know a lot about stuff you normally don’t know a lot about. Is this Walker?

Hicks: “Ha.” Apparently they don’t even have ball hockey there which I guess explains some things. But in this story, our protagonist is none other than Lee Becker. Young Lee was looking for some ball hockey to play. One day he stumbled upon Tompkins Square Park and he witnessed Ben Probert doing Probert things (ie scoring multiple goals to the point his own team boos him).

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Denim Demons at Dark Rainbows

By Cheeky

Alright BTSH Community, I am writing this from my work computer so it will obviously be both PG and PC because at Credit Suisse, Big Brother is watching you.

** For the remainder of this article please read this in an announcer voice click here for point of reference **

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! Welcome to today’s Yin and Yang, Black & White Cookie smash up matchup between the Denim Demons and the Dark Rainbows.

On one side we have your Wannabe League Sweethearts, the Dust Buster Disasters, your Rabbi’s of the Yeshiva Institute of Black Top Street Hockey, the DENIM DEMONSSSSSSSS. Co-Captaining the  S.S. Hell Fyre, Jennifer ‘Double Vodka Soda’ Popack and Boat Abstinence Brad. In net – Sarah and Brian, have you fixed the nets yet??? – Banana ‘Zach’ Casca..word on the street is he’s recently single and exceptionally good with his glove hand. They have Zach Fein who can rip a shot like we all expect him to rip his tight joggers, the Rosen Bash Bros, and Adam ‘Sideline Referee’ Reubens. I will say though, this ghoulish squad does have two redeeming Demons in Sara and Tracy. The remainder of this bi-lingual group includes a guy named Gene, some dude named Miles, and about 12 other players all named Zach.

Apparently the Dark Rainbows are jerks. Who knew?

And now, the team you have all been waiting to hear about! The Actual League Sweethearts, Darlings of Alphabet City, the team that is so kind they will apologize to you after they win, the Darrrrrk RAINBOWS. If the Muppets ever put a team in BTSH, they would be the Dark Rainbows. Captaining the Rainbows are your very own pint sized Jess “It’s not Jessica or ‘Ica’ Deustche and Mike ‘Welcome to the All Hands Team’ Yetter. Between the pipes – assuming Sarah and Brian fixed them – is the lean, mean, I hope he washes those socks, David Greenwald. Additionally this team boasts an impressive crew of Funny Man Brett Hiker, Funny Looking Man, Bryan Stratton, Karl, a guy with a striking resemblance to one Jesus’s Disciples, the Formidable Cat Boyd, Tia Lendo, and Kat with a ‘K.’

Prediction of Yeshiva University Varsity Hockey vs. The Muppets Take Manhattan: While the Yeshiva University has peak training facilities, nothing but the best trainers, and produces some pretty solid hockey players, the Muppets play for the joy of playing, the community, and the cold post game beers. Ultimately is heart that wins over talent. Muppets…errr I mean Rainbows win 2 -1.

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Mega Touch at Gut Rot

written by LiMu Emu (and Doug)

Another matchup of two teams we love to love.

Rot are coming off their first win of the season, and boy was it triumphant. Meanwhile, Mega are neck-and-neck with the Demons for the top of the 4th division. 

But, eh, whatevs, “hockey, hockey, hockey”. Let’s instead talk about how these two teams are two of the only teams left in the league who take on new players who have zero hockey experience and are just cool or friends of teammates. (Wait, do Mega still do this? Hmm, I guess it’s debatable. But, for the sake of this preview, let’s say they still do it.)

Ok, there. We talked about that. (We love you guys for it.) What else can we talk about? Diane got new sunglasses. I really like them, but she is unsure about them. You should all give her your opinion on them when you see her, because I am sure she wants to talk about this. Also, on Sunday Alok scored (what I think was) his first goal since he and Scoops had a baby. Congrats! (On the baby, not the goal…dummy). I saw the celebration but sadly just barely missed the actual goal. Don’t tell him I missed the goal. 

Did Gut Rot get their first win of the season because Jamie Crosby was in attendance (?!!).  Well, maybe. Probably. Almost certainly yes. 

Where Morgen been at? I have barely seen her. Actually, I believe she was there on Sunday, for the big win. I remember seeing her huge straw hat from afar. 

Also, I believe Tuckman has not had a loss since he got those vintage street hockey sneakers off ebay. Coincidence? Methinks not.


Vintage sweat was included at no extra charge. 

Prediction: Goal scoring machine Akhil scores again, but it isn’t enough as Julie and Co. edge out Rot, 2-1.

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By Jess

Third Star

Longwell the Goalie

Longwell went 4-0 in the net this weekend. I don’t know what’s crazier: the fact that he played 4 games in the blistering heat and won them all or that he still wears a Jason goalie mask. What is this, the Mighty Ducks? Congrats or whatever.

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By Arya Stark

The first (and probably last) appearance of The Croalie.

The LBS dropped their first game of the season to the Fresh Kills. Sheena with the game winner early in the 2nd half.

The Gremlins downed the Sky Fighters although it was good to see Mo back.

The Demons may keep kosher but god clearly hates them.  They lost their 4th shootout of the season (incredible), this time to WTP.  Shootout winner scored by polite Canadian man and rumored Long Island homeowner Mike M.

The Rehabs gutted out a tight victory against Filthier with Sena coaching from the sidelines.

Poutine hung on for a 2-0 victory with Max & Longwell stealing the show. Sully snipe through traffic for the winner.

The Butchers butchered Fuzz 5-1, dropping the defending champs to 15th in the standings and thus demonstrating why getting a high seed doesn’t give you much of an advantage in this league.

Gut Rot and Longwell devastated survivor pools everywhere with a comeback win against the Rainbows.

Mega held on late to beat the Riots.

Cro declared he was going to be the Hookers’ goalie sub, gave up a goal on his first shot because he tried a cross-body glove move rather than simply lifting his blocker a couple inches, then subbed himself out like a coward. Luckily (in case you just started reading this recap right now), former Hookers goalie Kevin Longwell was in attendance and down to play his 4th game of the day. Hookers beat Math 4-3. Cro claims he got an assist; who knows. They are now tied for 1st in the standings.

Finally, in the game of the day, Cobra Kai and the Biters slugged it out, trading goals in a wild second half before the Biters took it in OT. Gutsy comeback win to keep them in the 3rd spot overall and win Scotty $10 off me in a hastily assembled pre-OT bet. Damn.

See ya next week.