From the daily archives: "Tuesday, April 9, 2019"

This week the box scores are provided to you by the shipment of fresh salt a certain meatbox has just received and already delivered to the btsh community. Other btsh articles aside, the Gremlins’ buffalo boys have already claimed the extra salt for their Week 3 warmup.

FA scrimmages will never again be snowed out.

I have to go back to writing lengthy ref manager emails so these will be brief (yet again) this week. Enjoy!

Dank Bows 2 @ Math 5

Rainbows – Yetter (2), Matty Freeze (2)

Goalie Loss – Greenwald (1-1, GAA of 3.50)

Math – Jack McG x2 (2), Todd M (1), Zach N (1), Jon M (1)

Goalie Win – David L-W (1-1, GAA of 3.00)

Game Notes: The media forgot to predict the rainbows were going to lose 6-2 and therefore didn’t have any bulletin board multiple to put up at their weekly roof practice.

Advncd Anlytcs: I’m not sure if it’s a typo but the rainbows had the two exact same scorers as last week.

Riots 0 @ Evil Dojo 3

Goalie Loss – Zak C via Demons (yes, another Za/ch/ck/cc/c on Demons)

CK – Top Shelf Tommy x2 (2), Alan H (1)

Goalie Shutout Win – G#1 Not Not Campbell (1-0, 1 Shutout)

Game Notes: After getting the shout out in the box scores last week, Tom found the right net (twice) in this contest, including the ice breaker and eventual GwG.

Demons 4 @ Butchers 2

Demons – Miles x2 (4), Neil (5), Gene (1)

Goalie Win – Zak C via ctrl+f Za/k/c/ch recruiting process (1-0)

Butchers – Rachel (1), Brendan (1)

Goalie Loss – Max the FA (0-1-0-1, GAA of 2.00)

Game Notes: If only Butchers could decline division 4 games like they were NFL flags.

Advncd Anlytcs: Rachel gifted one of the flukey Butcher goals to newcomer Brendan. Where’s a three stars of the week post and some positivity when you need it?!

Hookers 5 @ Gut Rot 0

Hookers – The Lone Wolff (1), CJ “not the running back” Anderson (1), Eleni T (1), Sean with one N (1), Jacques (1)  

Goalie Shutout Win – Greenwald via CrosFaveHotLegs2018

Goalie Loss – Not Eitan (a former league Sultan champ forgot to write this down)

Game Notes: The annual run to -70 has just begun!

Les Curdz 1 @ Filthier 3

Poos – Christian H (1)

Goalie Loss – DeLacy (0-1)

Filthier – James P (1), Ryan McL (1), Sunny M (1)

Goalie Win – Tim K (1-1, GAA of 2.00)

Game Notes: *Insert wide eyed emoji for my multiple inboxes blown up by this game – where is Inspector Clouseau when you need him*

DaPucks 3 @ Fuzz 2

WTP – Paul (1), Noah (1), Hog(g)*elin “the caps bandwagon hopper” (1)

Goalie Win – Ed P (1-1, GAA unknown – where is that data integrity when you need it?)

Fuzz – Jeff (2), Sig (1)

Goalie Loss – Tim Bwn (1-1, GAA of a deuce)

Game Notes: With WTP up 3-0 after the first 10-15 minutes of the game, they hung on to dear life, with Ed’s light blue chesty shining bright for the second half of this poaching-season-2019-article tilt #myPoachee2019.

Advncd Anlytcs: WTP averaged between 130 to 150 in PDO on the day. Just to further demonstrate the shot advantage for Fuzz(!!!!): a crossbar hit with 4 minutes left by WTP would have further swung that metric as high as 167 (assuming it goes in if it was on net, of course).

*still useless to Rich, who he was unable to toey dans la deuxieme periode!!! (0/1)

Fresh Kills 2 @ Gremlins 3 (F/SO)

FK – Erica G via FA, Andrew “Jeans” M (1)

Goalie Shootout Loss – Patty B (0-0-0-1)

Gremlins – Erich G x2 (2)

Goalie Win – Jamie B (2-0, GAA of 1.50)

Shootout Winner – Also Erich (this qualifies as a “toque” for the viewers at home watching the NHL playoffs on TSN)

Game Notes: Everyone is reminded that there is no video (or photo flipbook) review in BTSH, except when it comes to Walker emailing you highlights of his minuses (this is *actually* not a joke).

It’s a good thing I’m not the “Tronna” of any reviews either. I can’t even see a stick anywhere inside of either red circle. Call on the black top clearly has to stand.

Rehabs 4 @ Karma 0

Rehabs – Hicks x3 (3), Mo R (1)

Goalie Shutout Win – Max the FA (1-0, 1 shutout)

Goalie Loss – Steve F (0-2, GAA of 2.50)

Game Notes: The below graphic is not a spoiler…this is technically the week 2 game after all!!

For those trying to keep track of the Rehabs scoring at home.

Anklebiters 3 @ Mega Touch 0

GANK – Jared x2 (3), Shooey (1)

Goalie Shutout Win – Craig LaC (2-0, 1 shutout, GAA of 0.50)

Goalie Loss – Eric D (0-1)

Game Notes: Ben does not lead his team in goals, start chirping up Jared, yah boo-birds!

SkyFighters 0 @ Pound Sterlings 2

Goalie Loss – OG James (0-1)

POUNDS – Alex F (2), Karsten P (3)

Goalie Shutout Win – Sizzler (2-0, 1 shutout, GAA of 1.00, and zero requests to recast the goalie standings)

Rehabs 4 @ Fresh Kills 0 (Week 1 #SunFears makeup)

Rehabs – Ramy (1), Hicks (4), Michelle (1), Alex M (1)

Goalie Shutout Win – Max the FA (2-0, 2 shutouts)

Goalie Loss – Patty B (0-1-0-1)

Game Notes: Friendly reminder that our crease rule is not the equivalent of the 1999 Stanley Cup Finals in Triple OT. Cheers.**

But let our extra zoomed in CSI high resolution shot do the talking:

Doesn’t matter where that ball is, you still can’t step in there.

** (From one Canadian North American Champ to another, sorry, Gabe. Teets McGee is going to win the scoring title again anyways.)

By The Meatbox

Man, week 1 was soooo lame. I thought ya’ll had forgotten that half the fun of BTSH is the drama, but thank God you proved me wrong. I should have just realized that this league’s drama is like a plant. Last week we gave it some water, this week we gave it some sunlight and HOLY CRAP IT GREW. Well, that or whenever Russ Ham shows up he brings the drama with him #theprovider.

Without further adieu here are your 3 spoiled meats of the week.

Third Spoiled Meat

Ringers who can’t keep their sticks down

I get it. BTSH is kinda hockey, but not quite hockey. We’re like some weird bastard child of alcoholism, soccer, hockey, and not being a dick. For people new to it who come in ready to play hockey, not being allowed to stick check is weird. All the whistles are weird. BUT FOR THE LOVE OF GOD KEEP YOUR STICK DOWN IM TIRED OF ALL THESE WHISTLES. Winning is awesome, but you know what’s not awesome? Showing up to work on Monday with a giant gash in your face because a ringer wasn’t able to keep their stick on the blacktop. Keep ‘em down folks.

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