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2019 BTSH Power Rankings

Welcome to the 2019 Midseason Power Rankings.  If you can believe it, we’re already more than halfway through the season.  Compared to last year we’ve experienced a roughly 85% drop in sandwich debates, compared to about a 4000% increase in beer funnels.  I’d call that progress by just about any measure.

As was done last season, the methodology for this ranking was simple: six people responded to my invitation to rank the teams 1-20 and the results were aggregated (along with my own rankings) to come up with this list.  I also threw in a few additional survey questions about the season to get the drama score up so Yetter and Russ wouldn’t be the only people stirring the pot this season.  One thing just about everyone agreed on: with eight games left to go before the playoffs, the 2019 season is shaping up to be perhaps the most wide open title race in recent history.

1) LBS Inc (9-1-0)

Despite having more absences from regulars and thus using more free agents than any team in the league (an average of three per game so far), and having trailed in six of their nine victories, the LBS take pole position in these ranks for the third time in four years.  Both LBS rankers declined to put themselves in 1st; of the five rankers who are non-LBS, four had them at #1.  This team is obviously sexy as hell, but will face questions as to whether they can get their top players healthy in time for the playoffs and whether they can finally win the big one this season for the first time since 2012.

Average Ranking: 2.00

Standings Position: 1st

Goal Differential: 2nd

Highest Ranking: 1st

Lowest Ranking: 6th

First Place Votes: 4

What They’re Saying:“Dominating all season and now Scotty is back…have to be the favorites.”- Will

“When they actually have their roster show they have the most talented pool of guys in the league.”- Sena

“They have the best guys and I don’t think it’s that close.  Their girls are vastly improved and Boylan sometimes allows me privileges others don’t.  #atrocities”- Who do you think?

2) Rehabs (6-2-2)

Another team with championship aspirations and attendance issues, they’ve been missing Seb and Eric for most of the year and Sena has a cocktail of random injuries, as per usual.  Still, they’re 2nd in the division, 4th in the league and added Carlin to last year’s squad that almost beat the eventual champs.  Two straight OT losses can’t take the shine off a suffocating, super talented squad.

Average Ranking: 2.86

Standings Position: 4th

Goal Differential: T-3rd

Highest Ranking: 1st

Lowest Ranking: 4th

First Place Votes: 1

What They’re Saying: “If they show up to play they win. Losses happen when they show up slow and have to play from behind.”- Meatbox

“Those women (swoon)”- Will

3) Corlears Hookers (8-2-0)

18th out of 20 in 2016.  3rd in 2017.  10th in 2018.  The Hookers seem to alternate fantastic and horrific seasons, and unfortunately for the league this is one of the former.  Dustin has been one of the best players in the league, starting the season with consecutive shutouts and not really slowing down much from there.  Their only losses were to the LBS and Filthier.  The only female core that can rival the Rehabs, they’re built from the back-end out, and that’s usually what wins come playoff time.

Average Ranking: 3.57

Standings Position: 3rd

Goal Differential: T-3rd

Highest Ranking: 1st

Lowest Ranking: 5th

What They’re Saying: “They seem to have solved attendance issues. Defensively, they may even be better than CK. Danilo + Tiffany + Goalie is devastating to goal scorers.”- Will

“Though I don’t think they have the men to be a top contender, they are playing great and I have to put them above others who may have more talent.”- Rich

“My answer as of Week 9 (to championship favorite) was GANK. Now Hookers proved otherwise, all but dismantling the Biters in a 5 minute barrage to come back from a few goals down to go one ahead midway through the 2nd half of their game. I feel a team built like the Rehabs/Hookers are always built best for success, with GANK close behind.”- @ballhogg

4) Gouging Anklebiters (8-1-1)

This team seems to get better every year, and now they’re 2nd in the league with a matchup for 1st on Sunday.  Probie is Probie but Jared and Andy are giving this team the secondary scoring they’ve lacked in recent years, and Craig’s been superb in net.  With the exception of five bad minutes against the Hookers (who hasn’t had a few bad minutes with hookers in their lives?), they’ve been one of the most impressive teams this season.

Average Ranking: 4.14

Standings Position: 2nd

Goal Differential: 1st

Highest Ranking: 1st

Lowest Ranking: 6th

What They’re Saying: “Seem to have gotten over their history of inconsistency and Craig is playing some of the best hockey of his life. Don’t forget that he posted a 0 GAA last year through the Biters’ 3rd round exit (to Cobra Kai in LOLSO).”- Will”

They are doing great and they have top level players and goaltending that can win it. I wouldn’t call them the favorites and I would be surprised if they won, but it’s not like they are Karma and can’t.”- Rich

T5) Fresh Kills (6-3-0)

It seems foolish to rank Fresh Kills this high considering they’re currently in 10th, haven’t exactly been the same team this season as in year’s past, and everyone knows they only win once every three years anyway (look out BTSH 2020!).  But while they’ve been more inconsistent than usual, Gabe, Ariel, Tom, Roxy, Barch, Soko and the gang are full capable of beating any team any week.  They’re the only team to beat the 1st place LBS this season, and they did it without Gabe.  One of the scariest squads come playoff time.

Average Ranking: 5.29

Standings Position: 5th

Goal Differential: 10th

Highest Ranking: 1st

Lowest Ranking: 8th

First Place Votes: 1

What They’re Saying:“After a rough start they are starting to turn it around.  Their girls are improved and I think they have a great chance of winning.  But I’d still take the field.”- Rich

“Aging, but still has firepower with strong women to support.”- Sena

“It’s Gabe and Ariel. They’re not gonna be outside the top 10.”- Meatbox

T5) Filthier (7-3-0)

It seems like every season, people expect this team to finally have a down year.  But with Tim K having another spectacular season and James being his brilliant, beautiful self, Filthy continues to be a top five team.  Will they be able to get enough secondary scoring to make a run at the championship come autumn?

Average Ranking: 5.29

Standings Position: 5th

Goal Differential: T-5th

Highest Ranking: 4th

Lowest Ranking: 7th

What They’re Saying:“Always in contention.”- Will

“Somehow they’re in fifth and they’re flying under the radar. Classic Tim K and James.”- Meatbox

7) Cobra Kai (6-3-1)

Losing Campbell has been a massive blow as some predicted, but LJ and Liam continue to prop up one of the league’s best defenses.  A big week 10 shootout win against the Rehabs reminded us of what this team can do, although to be fair Campbell was in town for that one.  With matchups against Math/Poutine/Filthy/Hookers/Biters in the next five weeks, we’ll have a better idea of what the dojo is all about by the time we’re all making out with each other at Seacrets.

Average Ranking: 6.86

Standings Position: 7th

Goal Differential: T-7th

Highest Ranking: 4th

Lowest Ranking: 9th

What They’re Saying:“Started slow but rising now.”- Meatbox

“Need to score more goals but continue to play great defense.”- Will (he would know)

8) Fuzz (3-6-1)

I wonder if there has ever been such a discrepancy between place in standings and spot in power ranks.  Championship hangovers are a pretty common phenomenon but Fuzz is taking it to a new level as they are currently not just a play-in team, but bottom four in the standings.  The losses of Paul, Alyssa and Coach hurt, but they also added Timmy and Andrea to an already stacked roster so I have no idea what’s going on, a point I have made to our dear balding friend numerous times in between his stories about Long Island Men’s League hockey and HOA fees.  If this positioning holds, they will probably be the strongest play-in team of all time.  Odds are, however, they work their way into top 10 seeding by season’s end and become a complete nightmare matchup for some unlucky teams in the playoffs.

Average Ranking: 7.43

Standings Position: 17th

Goal Differential: 13th

Highest Ranking: 2nd

Lowest Ranking: 11th

What They’re Saying:“Some of the best guys in the league (if they show).”- Sena

“Fuzz blows this year…no one can score, Alyssa and Paul are dead and Tim is mad at all of us.  Doesn’t seem like our year but whoever we play in the play-in game is gonna be pissed.”- Rich

9) Poutine Machine (5-3-2)

Poutine’s projected destruction of the 3rd Division has not exactly gone according to plan, as they sit in the middle of the pack despite a relatively easy strength of schedule compared to the D1 and D2 teams.  Simply put, they need to score; they’re 2nd in goals allowed thanks to the heroics of their defense and the big Dick in goal, but are tied for 13th in goals scored (getting beauties like this one called off certainly doesn’t help).  With a roster that includes SBJ, Mikey and Sully, they’re due for some positive regression and I certainly wouldn’t want to deal with them come playoff time.

Average Ranking: 9.14

Standings Position: 9th

Goal Differential: T-7th

Highest Ranking: 7th

Lowest Ranking: 11th

What They’re Saying:“Pure will to win and drinking capability puts them here.”- Sena

“Love their goalie and intensity. Can’t wait to win it with them in 2023.”- Rich

10) Gremlins (6-3-1)

The Grems have elite offense and goaltending, and Walker tells me he’s been on for barely any goals against this season, but somehow this team always seems to finish out as less than the sum of its parts.  Still, with Erich, the Salt Boyz, Marcella, Courtney and Jamie on the roster, this is the definition of a dark horse contender.

Average Ranking: 10.00

Standings Position: 8th

Goal Differential: T-7th

Highest Ranking: 8th

Lowest Ranking: 14th

What They’re Saying:“Erich and Jamie makes this team dangerous. They’ll never ever win the whole thing but they can upset anyone but the Rehabs.”- Rich

“Is salt the new street name for cocaine?”- Anonymous

11) Demons (5-1-4)

After a hot start that saw them win their first three games by a combined score of 18-3, the Demons lost their next five (albeit four of those in shootouts) and fell back down to earth.  Neil leads the league with 12 goals, but 9 of them are against just two teams (Rainbows and Gut Rot).  They have a much improved roster and some very talented players but will need to prove they can beat top competition before they can be ranked any higher.

Average Ranking: 11.86

Standings Position: 6th

Goal Differential: T-5th

Highest Ranking: 7th

Lowest Ranking: 17th

What They’re Saying:“Bring back the OTL streak. That was sexy.”- Meatbox

“I thought they were already engaged.”- Anonymous

12) What The Puck (5-3-1)

Hogg’s first season as full-time captain has been a rousing success as he’s achieved the remarkably rare feet of scoring goals and putting up shutouts in the same season.  His recruiting has also been strong as the additions of Henry, Ed and some top-level women have made the Pucks a formidable foe week in and week out.  Their victory over Fuzz was the highlight of the season but they also took down Poutine and the Demons in shootouts and led the LBS for much of their week 7 matchup before eventually falling late.  A balanced, gritty squad that could easily win a playoff round or two, but will need some overachieving to make a run.

Average Ranking: 12.14

Standings Position: 11th

Goal Differential: 11th

Highest Ranking: 10th

Lowest Ranking: 14th

What They’re Saying:“Maybe it’s just that they beat us down good, but they play hard and I like them a lot.”- Rich

13) Instant Karma (6-4-0)

Karma has been a streaky team this season: lost two, won four, lost two, and currently riding a two game winning streak.  Derek has been fantastic but they need to get Steve back from an injury suffered a few weeks ago and consistent attendance to sneak into the top 10.  Stabel’s heating up, Creed hasn’t injured anyone in weeks and they’ve added some truly spectacular women.  Not many expected them to be only one point out of the division lead at this stage of the season, but with games left against both the Gremlins and Poutine, this could be the surprise team of the season.

Average Ranking: 12.57

Standings Position: 10th

Goal Differential: 12th

Highest Ranking: 11th

Lowest Ranking: 15th

What They’re Saying:“Derek is hot.”- Anonymous

14) Butchers (3-4-3)

After losing Tarzan to injury and having more inconsistent attendance than years past, the Butchers got off to a rough start, but we’ve seen this story from them before.  Although they were surprisingly eliminated by the Rainbows in the play-in round last season, this is a team with veteran savvy, great defense and a top tier goaltender.  Still, they need to start putting together some wins before this season gets away from them.

Average Ranking: 13.43

Standings Position: 14th

Goal Differential: 14th

Highest Ranking: 10th

Lowest Ranking: 16th

What They’re Saying:“Smart, smart team. If their guys show, they are a surprising force.”- Sena

“Knee injuries bad.”- Tarzan

15) Mathematics (4-6-0)

Math swept the Butchers in their season series; their only other two wins are over D4 competition.  The addition of Tadpole to the roster was crucial as he and his linemate Jon have given Math a formidable top line, but they’ll need to find some secondary scoring if they’ll have any chance of repeating the playoff heroics of years past.

Average Ranking: 14.57

Standings Position: 15th

Goal Differential: 16th

Highest Ranking: 13th

Lowest Ranking: 16th

What They’re Saying:“Fan favorites.”- Will

“Math always plays tough in the post season when it counts. But with the drama of ‘is Elly Tadpole’s father’ hovering over their heads, I don’t think this team makes it to the Round of 16.”- Rich

16) Mega Touch (5-4-1)

Last season I said “Mega is a team in limbo: too strong for D4, but perhaps not strong enough for D3 (definitely not as long as D3 weirdly has teams like Cobra Kai and Poutine).” This year has proven to be more of the same as Mega’s had a strong under-the-radar season with impressive victories over Cobra Kai, the Demons and the Gremlins and less impressive victories over Gut Rot and the Riots.  No one on this team has more than two goals as they’ve been scoring by committee and doing just enough to win most weeks.  Getting consistent attendance from Shelly and Matt Jones is a must if they’re going to have any chance of a late season run for a division title, a playoff win or a successful defense of their inaugural Schlitz Cup victory.

Average Ranking: 15.71

Standings Position: 13th

Goal Differential: 15th

Highest Ranking: 14th

Lowest Ranking: 17th

What They’re Saying:“When we touch them, we touch them Mega.”- Team Slogan

“It’s 2019. Stop touching me.”- Anonymous

17) Dark Rainbows (2-7-1)

After last season’s upset of the Butchers in the play-in round, many predicted a big season for the Rainbows. Instead, they’ve been stuck in neutral for most of the season, if not reverse. Bryan and Yetter have been putting up goals and Dana’s helped stabilize their defense, but they need to get Tarnow going and get a bit more consistency from Greenwald to notch another playoff victory.

Average Ranking: 17.00

Standings Position: 18th

Goal Differential: 19th

Highest Ranking: 13th

Lowest Ranking: 20th

What They’re Saying:Yetter is my boy but c’mon Rainbows, you should be better this year.”- Rich

18) Sky Fighters (4-6-0)

For the second straight season, the Sky Fighters got totally ravaged in the offseason as if they were slashing prices like Crazy Eddie (if you get this reference, you are old). With SBJ, Russo, Christian and Carlin all finding new homes a year after Mike, Vlad and Olivier joined new teams and then faced off in the finals last year, it was going to be an uphill battle yet again to stay in the 3rd division. The team’s leadership has done a great job of bringing in new talent but as with most BTSH rookies, they’ll need some time to adjust to the combination of bizarre rules and terrible playing surface that makes this league such a delight. This team is much better than this ranking would indicate and I would not be surprised to see them make a late season run.

Average Ranking: 17.71

Standings Position: 16th

Goal Differential: 17th

Highest Ranking: 16th

Lowest Ranking: 19th

What They’re Saying:Actually think they have some strong guys but with so many new players to the team/league, they need a bit more time to gel.”- Sena

“What the fuck is a high ball?”- Anonymous

19) Tompkins Square Riots (2-8-0)

The Riots notched perhaps the upset of the season in beating the heavily favored Butchers 5-4 in OT in week 6, but otherwise this has been another tough season for Dave, Suz and co. They hung tight with the Gremlins a few weeks ago and put up five goals on Karma last week, but moral victories don’t move you up in the standings. With the 2nd least goals in the league and no player scoring more than two, they have to start giving Dave some kind of run support if they don’t want to see him burn himself alive like that Buddhist monk in Vietnam. I like Dave so I sincerely hope they do.

Average Ranking: 18.71

Standings Position: 19th

Goal Differential: 18th

Highest Ranking: 18th

Lowest Ranking: 20th

What They’re Saying:“Dave Gil de Rubio is a good goalie. But the Riots are still 18.”– Rich (editors note: actually 19)

“The only reason we lost to Mega is because Julie is so pretty.”- Anonymous

20) Gut Rot (1-8-1)

Well, it’s been a rough season for Gut Rot as the losses of Ed and Becca’s shirt have proven difficult to overcome. But look on the bright side: my first year they scored 15 goals all season and gave up 85 for an incredible goal differential of -70. This season is unlikely to be quite that bad, despite what Hogg may have written in last week’s box scores. A week 8 upset over the Rainbows was the high point of their campaign thus far, but they’ll need to start playing some defense, quit dropping acid before games and maybe add Akhil’s dad full-time if they’re going to win another one. I think they can do it, but it would definitely help if they slipped the other team some acid as well.

Average Ranking: 19.71

Standings Position: 20th

Goal Differential: 20th

Highest Ranking: 19th

Lowest Ranking: 20th

What They’re Saying:“Sweet, innocent Gut Rot.”– Morgen

BONUS SURVEY:

Who will win the BTSH Championship?

3 votes for LBS, 3 votes for Rehabs, 1 vote for Hookers

Which non-D1 team has the best chance to win the BTSH Championship?

5 votes for Hookers, 2 votes for Biters

This is undoubtedly a tougher question to answer in the absence of stats, but who will win the BTSH scoring title this year?

4 votes for Neil, 1 vote for “that Demons guy who’s really good at scoring against D4 teams” (presumably also Neil), 1 vote for #akhilnation and 1 vote for Sam McI to win the ladies scoring title.

Who is the most overrated team right now?

4 votes for Demons, 1 vote each for Biters & Fuzz

Who is the most underrated team right now?

2 votes each for Fuzz & Biters, 1 vote each for Butchers, Rainbows & Gremlins

If there was a BTSH Ted Lindsay Award, who would you give it to?

1 vote each for Derek, Dustin, Craig & Sig.  One person who asked if this award was for sportsmanship, and if so, all of Poutine.

If there was a BTSH Norris Trophy, who would you give it to?

3 votes for AFrey (probably because he’s the one who sent out the poll), 2 votes for Zach Norris (get it?), 1 vote for Avery, 1 vote for Liam & Shelley

If there was a BTSH Vezina Trophy, who would you give it to?

3 votes for Dustin, 2 votes for Tim K

Any other thoughts on the 2019 season thus far?

“I hate it. Fuzz sucks.”- Rich

“The free agent rule needs to be revisited. Seems like an overreaction to last season’s abuse by a couple FAs (or perhaps I’m just bitter that Yetter never subbed for Karma).”- Isaac

“Seriously fuck whoever deleted the 2018 stats, I wanna see my name. How am I supposed to brag to my girlfriend and her friends that I crushed it last year? I can’t and now I’m unhappy. By the way, this is Ben Probert, obviously.
– Not Ben Probert

“Reeeeehaaaaabs”- Sena

Somehow you made a google poll that was longer than your usual team emails. Incredible.- Meatbox

See you all at Olympics on Sunday. Stop by the tent of magic (aka the Meg FORTier) for some time trials, feats of strength and possible performance enhancing drugs.

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