From the monthly archives: "July 2018"

by RichieHero

Sorry Sarah T., you picked the wrong week to score the most beautiful goal of your life. With the Olympics, upsets and individual great performances, this is one of the toughest weeks to get a star. Thank God the Rainbows failed to get their first same day win in almost two years or the Star Snubs would have been off the chart. But enough babbling, more starring.

Third Star
Joe P. from the Gouging Anklebiters

No pity point for you Lbs.

With just two ticks remaining before OT, Joe P. rifled one past Zisser, denying the Lbs. even a pity point. Speaking of pity, Joe P. was once one of the greats in BTSH. He started  in 2010 and was wildly considered one of the best players in the league. But injuries, Father Time and the infusion of young talent like his teammate Probie, has left Joe behind. Plus the time Ellery whipped him during a game, screaming, “You aint no RG1! Rex Grossman sucks. Robert Griffin III 4 Lyfe” didn’t help. But the ol’ man proved he still has the skills to excel in our lovely league. [Continue Reading…]

Bear with me here. I’ve got a couple in me at this point. 

Mega lost but played a good game against Poutine.
Poutine lost the make up game against Hookers.
Filthier defeated Rehabs in the make up half.
Butchers lost by a good margin to Fuzz.
Pucks defeated the Demons in a tight contest.
Rehabs beat up the Hookers.
Filthier put a whopping on the sky fighters. (Well, sort of. They only won by a goal.)
The Riots came at Karma hard and often, but Matt’s two biscuits proved to be too much for them to handle.
The Biters beat the LBS with a Joe P goal with 2 seconds left in which was by far the most entertaining game of the day. – Schuie 
Gut Rot took out a depleted Gremlins team thanks to Ed P’s fantastic performance.
Cobra Kai narrowly defeated the Rainbows by a single goal. Note to BTSH: the Rainbows are for real.
Math and Fresh Kills played one of the most entertaining games of the day with Math winning in OT.

BTSH Olympics are right around the corner and if last year’s lack of productivity for the following week are any indication, it is surely an event you don’t want to miss. Sunday will feature food, drink and feats of strength that would make even the legendary Frank Costanza proud.  Come for the flip cup and bar napkin lovemaking, stay for the arm wrestling MCed by our very own freedom of speech hating Rich Glnzr (tag him at your own risk).  Food will include pizzas at Parkside and this beast of a sandwich at the courts, imported fresh from Hoboken by our very own @ballhogg.  Drinks will include $3 high lifes, $5 tall boy tecates and possibly some of Hicks’ favorite courtside beverage (from what I’ve heard, like drowning it gets better once you get used to it).    Sign up here or forever be branded a coward and possibly a misogynist.

And now here is part 2 of your Preivews!

Tompkins Square Riots at Instant Karma
by A Young Padawan and their Jedi Master

By now, you know the drill. We don’t write regular hockey previews. Because they’re boring. No offense to the (boring) people who like them. Instead, we imagined what if BTSH decided to host an Olympics and the events were all drinking-related and/or absurd. Oh wait, that sounds like foreshadowing to an upcoming event. (Shameless plug)

That’s right – this Sunday, at 7:00pm, Parkside Lounge will be hosting our sorry asses for a night of competitions and debauchery. Be there or be……at work the next morning.

Now back to our regularly scheduled preview…

You guessed it, we’ve decided to put Karma and the Riots to the ultimate test — the BTSH Olympics.

Immediately following the conclusion of Sunday’s games Isaac will be carrying the torch and leading us to Parkside like a bunch of gnats drawn to light (or, in our case, alcohol).

Arm Wrestling Competition – Amy J. versus Isaac — let’s just say, size doesn’t always matter.

Tecate Chugging – Wait, why isn’t this a Miller High Life or Pabst chugging contest?

In any case, Karma wins it. Steve and Nina have a lot to do with this. (MacNeil put up a valiant effort for the Riots, though.)

Nina looks a lot different off the court.

Flip cup – Brianna, Cory, and Derek vs. Alex, Margot, and Christina. (In case you were utterly confused by Hogg’s box scores/stats, that’s each team’s top 3 scorers). Are you allowed to puke and still win?  Because, Derek pukes.

2 girls, 1 cup – Lisa H. went rogue and managed to defeat everyone, all on her own. 1 girl – 1 cup!

Bar Napkin Love Poem contest – Chadwick’s award-winning words stole the show in this competition, however he was too busy tripping over 5 backpacks while playing lime toss to hear the announcement. Nicole accepts the award on his behalf.

Phallic Phluffer Eating Contest – For this, size DID matter, and Max showed off his phallic eating skills by throating, not one but FIVE hot dogs at once. The judges were so impressed they awarded him bonus points for the bonus boners. NEW RECORD!

Hot Legs competition – OBVIOUSLY Greenwald wins again this year. And to our treat, and his own, he gets to eat a cupcake out of his own ass.  (Gil de Rubio was the runner up.)

We’ll let you decide which of these teams was the overall winner here, but let’s face it: When BTSH has events like the Olympics, we all win.

Oops, we forgot these two teams are playing hockey against each other Sunday, aren’t they?

In that case…

Prediction: The Riots’ woes continue, as Karma takes this one 4-2. Chadwick scores a tap in that even a small child couldn’t possibly miss. [Continue Reading…]

BTSH Olympics are right around the corner and if last year’s lack of productivity for the following week are any indication, it is surely an event you don’t want to miss. Sunday will feature food, drink and feats of strength that would make even the legendary Frank Costanza proud.  Come for the flip cup and bar napkin lovemaking, stay for the arm wrestling MCed by our very own freedom of speech hating Rich Glnzr (tag him at your own risk).  Food will include pizzas at Parkside and this beast of a sandwich at the courts, imported fresh from Hoboken by our very own @ballhogg.  Drinks will include $3 high lifes, $5 tall boy tecates and possibly some of Hicks’ favorite courtside beverage (from what I’ve heard, like drowning it gets better once you get used to it).    Sign up here or forever be branded a coward and possibly a misogynist.

And now here are your Previews!

Butchers at Fuzz
by RG1 and RG2

RG2: OK Rachel, despite Marko’s continued cyber bullying of me, I want you to know that I have feelings and cried during the following movies. Brian’s Song, Rudy, and of course Field of Dreams. Yes, I have Daddy issues.

RG1: Thanks for sharing. I think you’ve mistaken this for Glnzr therapy hour. It isn’t. It’s about sneaker hockey. As I’m sure you’ve all noticed, our game is at 12:30, instead of 1pm. Because Princess Laniado has a softball game. SOFTBALL? Boo. sneaker hockey wins. But the Butchers are ok with this, because we were promised doughnuts.

RG2: Fine, I’ll be RG2. But yes, this is why I’m being nice to you this week. We need to get this game over with so half our team can play softball. So please tell Tim limited water breaks. I need another favor from you. It’s kinda important.

RG1: Ok, what is it? Just to preempt you, I will not ask Marko to stop cyber bullying you. It’s in the best interest/amusement of the league.

RG2: OK, never mind then. Let’s get on with the previews. Who do you have this week? Who is missing?

RG 1: You think I am going to give away our secrets? NEVER. Georgine would kill me. Have you ever seen her pissed? You don’t want to.  Also, I legitimately have no idea. I’ll tell you one thing, nobody knows if Fast Dave is coming until gametime. Not even Fast Dave. I hope Alexa is there, so I can touch her butt and then shake her hand. Since BTSH stands for (consensual) Butt Touching Shaking Hands.

RG2: I get in enough trouble from league feminists without (consensual) Butt Touching Shaking Hands so I’m going to try and stay out of the #MeToo offenders. But I will say this, you’re going to lose. I saw MDF’s shootout attempt and our strategy is to just let her go on 40 breakaways, and then pass to Gil with around 20 seconds left.

RG1: Are you playing defense? I’m sure MDF can figure out a way to make sure you score an own goal.

RG2: Yeah. Shit.

RG1: Dana is going to distract Coach by asking Chuckles if he wants a cordial.

RG2: 1- I thought I was special when Coach called me Chuckles. I feel so used. But anyways, I guess it will be 1-1 and hopefully our two jerky captains lets us shoot in the shootout to decide who wins. Loser buys the winner a beer?

RG1: I know, right? I thought I was special too. That guy is a dick, we should both unsuccessfully try to score on him.

RG2: I’m glad we settled this. Coach is a dick. You get doughnuts and beer, and loser buys winner a beer. And we can agree on something else…the 2019 Super Bowl champs! J-E-T-S JETS JETS JETS!!! [Continue Reading…]

Last week someone mentioned that every EK65 highlight is a good highlight, and in honour of said player not getting in their game on Sunday, we’re literally littering the entire box scores with them. Unfortunately, there weren’t as many completed games as we’d like (or maybe it makes pasting in EK65 highlights easier with less official games/goals for Week 13…) so we’ll have some makeup games in the weeks to come!

 

(Okay these Karlsson highlights were actually more difficult to find than expected…thanks William for joining the VGK and making this tougher than a game of battleship where your friend moves the ships around after every guess…eggplant)

 

Fresh Kills 3 @ Pounds 2 (F/OT)

Fk’n eh – Jeff S (2), Ariel x2 (8)

Goalie Win – Patty B (6-2-1, GAA of Two Palffy’s)

Los BlancosCaitlin “Tyler” Kennedy via AF, Jake C (3)

Goalie OT Loss – Zisser (7-2-2, GAA of One HOOOSSSSAAAA)

Game Notes Meaningless Hockey Jargon included to sound s-m-r-t: We all know Ariel would have won the game in a shootout anyways. Hope that extra ROW doesn’t come back to bite someone in the nether regions come playoff ranking time (what do you mean we don’t use ROW?)

Gabe Watch: Gabe was there. Frank and Tom were not.

 

MATH 2 @ SKY 3 (Final)

Math – Sam Norris (3), Adam L (3)

Goalie Loss – Liang (2-7, GAA of Four Henrik’s)

SKY – Caroline W (1), Greg I (3), James “Adam” McQ (7)

Goalie Win – Eitan via LemmeGoalie4u

Game Notes – New and Old from the Vandoos chip in and shut Math out from a late comeback.

 

GANK 1 @ FUZZ 2 (17:15 2nd Half)

‘Biters – B Probert (15)

Goalie of Record – Tim Bwn

Fuzz – Miles H x2 (13)

Goalie of Record – Coach

 

Gut Rot 1 @ DaPucks 6 (Final)

Gut Rot – Schmorggg (1)

Goalie Loss – Eddddd (3-6, GAA of Four Alfie’s)

CaNucks – Justin Southeast Division 4 NameSake Himself x2 (3), Brennan L (1), Dave MacC (1), Buffalo Zach (6), Birthday Girl Em! (2)

Goalie Win – Scott H (4-7, GAA of Three Kovalev’s)

Game Notes: In true homage to EK65 box score day, Hogg[ran]Wild with his 65:55 TOI, 2 apples, (note my Oxford comma) and 4 possums (those are what kids are calling “pluses” these days, Walker, get with the times). I totally just made that last part up, and this entire passage for the sake of the 5 or 6 Devils players in BTSH. But the assists were real, and Chadwick can update my “unofficial” and sarcastically incorrect tally to 4; leading the league as everyone else is officially at zero (you can thank Sam Norris for that).

Quick Shifts: Ed’s GAA continues to suffer when Becca isn’t incenticized to outperform AkhilNation, in their Gut Rot Bitzez step sibling like rivalry. Luckily, she has signed up for, and plans to participate in, no, not the Olympics, but team defense if the court is dry during future weeks. Olympics is this Sunday and that would make that joke like a year old (like the age of a certain CommissionHerrs’ whatsapp display pic) and outdated.

 

And that they did, as Ed and his Gut Rot Bitzez didn’t know what hit them (other than rain…and hangovers) on Sunday.

 

Riots 0 @ Mega 3 (Final)

Goalie Loss – Ben F (0-1, GAA of a Chara)

Mega – Shelly (3), Alok x2 (5)

Goalie Shutout Win – Mike T (3-7-1, 1st Shutout, GAA of Three Asham’s)

Game Notes: GdR did not get a loss on his goalie record, but his team sure did, as Alok had an emphatic goal late in the contest to seal the win.

 

Butchers 0 @ Hookers 1 (F/SO)

Goalie Shutout Shootout Loss (yes, that’s a thing) – Tim Brk (3-5-1, 2nd Shutout, GAA of Two Mogliny’s)

Goalie Shutout Win – Dustin “TOKARSKI” (4-3-2, 1st Shutout, GAA of a Duncan Keith)

Shootout Winner – Clark H

Game Notes: Note (probably redundant to “note” something under “game notes”, I know) that I found a Newnam like shootout finish just on FB’s gifs (Datsyukian backhand) and then Clark’s winner was no different than any Sedin snip over the pad and under the blocker. Still looking for a righty forsberg at kaner speed though. (Luckily you can find a pretty nice one posted by Walker in the BTSH fb group!)

Quick Shifts: Butchers are having a similar season as Demons in that they’ve been involved in a number of competitive, low scoring contests, and they’ve now turned the corner of sorts, pre-dating this game with a 3 game win streak, and now have points in their last 4 contests– since a humbling 6-love drubbing from the Gremmies (did you know that Walker wanted to play in the rain on Sunday? Never would have guessed). Two of those wins were against teams who were voted as best in the league in our power rankings (with the Butchers holding these opponents to 1 goal combined over those two games). The gap in Southeast 1 Division teams is clearly closer than it was last year. What was the other Southeast 1 Division team last year again?

Trending: Hookers literally and figuratively show up this time!

 

Poutine 1 @ Rainbows 1 (18~ 2nd Half)

Poutine – Brian “They call me BSA even though I’m not a Business Student Association” Sulli (3)

Goalie of Record – AJ F

Rainbows – Bryan L (5)

Goalie of Record – Grizzwald

Game Notes: Charlotte is a terrible person (and scored on her own net)

 

Filthier 2 @ Rehabs 0 (25:00 2nd Half)

Filthier – OP James (9), Ryan McL (1)

Goalie of Record – I guess it was Tim

Rehabs – Nada (Emily taught me some spanish on her birthday)

Goalie of Record – That guy with the Ho “Sang” jersey, probably

 

Karma @ Demons (PPD – Rain)

Rubens wanted to play. He also wants a certain joke to die after 2.5 weeks….wait for it…

Some BTSH jokes that may just stand the test of time…or at least, the “Common Era”

 

Gremlins at Cobra Kai (PPD – Monsoon fears)

Cobra Kai was lucky that the rain fears were real fears as they for some reason called up some guy with the worst GAA in Mofo (“DIVISION ONE ONLY”) in place of Campbell. That game note was just for Hector. And Hicks. Unfortunately it was related to 5,000 social media posts for them ago, combined (which equates to roughly 37 days) and they probably forget that reference. (I know, another Mofo reference, please don’t relieve me of my duties, we’re almost at the end of the season, which is 3~ months away)

 

Week 13 in Tweets

In honour of the rain and enjoying the outdoors we stayed social media free this week. See you Sunday!