By Rachel G and Richie G
RG 1 and RG 2 are the most unlikely of writing pairs, mainly because one likes wrestling and the other likes proper grammar.
(Glanzer) Before we go on are you sure proper isn’t spelled propper? It seems like it should have two consecutive p’s.
RG 1 (Greene): In the mess that is (in the words of RG 2) poaching season, I feel like we all quietly overlook Soko’s ruthless masterminding of the original mega-team. Ok, maybe that’s the problem: it’s not ruthless. He typically finds great players from outside the league. They are so goddamn nice, too. I hate how much I like them.
RG 2 (Glanzer): Wait. How on Earth am I RG 2? I’m the original RG since I’m older than you. I’m not doing anything else until this is settled.
RG 1 (Greene): We can switch sides at halftime, happy now?
Future RG 1 (Glanzer): Yes.
OK, so I love the Fresh Kills boys. Not in how like a priest loves an alter-boy, but Ariel is one of my favorite teammates ever. Soko and that guy who speaks broken English Gabe are good people too. Barch likes Gaslight Anthem and getting piled on. They are actually really good people.
As for hockey, four is enough. I hope someone else wins it this year. But they clearly are the team to beat.
RG 1 (Greene): For once, the lesser RG and I agree on something. I’ve had enough of them winning. Go back to Canada or wherever Olympic Athletes from Russia come from. But I’d also like to point out how sexist current RG 2 is. Where is the love for those Fresh Kills ladies, Roxy, Sheena, Natasha?!?
RG (reluctantly 2): I didn’t say they weren’t good at hockey. I just insinuated I didn’t like them. I mean is Sheena likeable? C’mon. Plus she jumped on me when I was down in OC. Anyways, on to the Lbs.!
RG 1 (Glanzer): Elizabeth. If I don’t mention her I’m in trouble. As for the rest, they can kill Baby Hitler. In other words, they can stop the inevitable Rehabs/FK finals. Next to FK, they have the best guys in the league. Their girls are solid, but not like the Rehabs. And their goalie is drunk, but he stops a lot of balls, so that’s all that matters.
RG 2 (Greene): Ugh, I love all of these guys too! My hockey godson, my steak-dinner-lady-date, my Scotty K (BTSH: give this kid a chance, he’ll burrow his way into your heart and never leave), my Sashas! A few years back they were the team that was too good and everyone was annoyed by them. I’m not sure exactly what happened, but they got knocked down a peg or two, and now seem to be underdog darlings of top division. I so desperately don’t want to be in this stupid Soko division, but I wouldn’t mind reliving that time Rosie went to the Lbs retreat the night before they played the Butchers, and they drugged him with bee-sting medicine and then he scored on them anyway. Just sayin’.
RG 1 (Glanzer) I do enjoy Scotty and the Lesbians. Best band ever. BTW, how much has that curly haired guy fallen? A Lbs. preview and we don’t even mention his name? Didn’t he share your HOF class? For shame RG 1. For Shame!!
RG 1 (Greene): Ok, so I reached out to our media correspondent in the field, ex-Filthy Dana K, for an update on the James and Suvin split. BTSH rumors tell us Suvin moved out of NYC and quit BTSH. But Dana has the inside scoop on whispered promises for opening day meet-up:
Back in San Francisco: Suvin is rushing to catch a plane, and he almost almost misses it, but since he’s flying first class and explains to the stewardess that someone’s waiting for him in NYC they let him board.
NY: James is stalling the game for him, taping his stick, checking his hair… Because it’s James, no one cares that the game starts late.
Somewhere over the Midwest: Suvin’s on the plane and the flight attendant is saying it’s going to be delayed. So he goes up into the cockpit and gives them some tips on how to fly faster.
Do you want to know how this ends (probably not)? Will they meet on the observation deck of the Empire State Building? Show up on Opening Day and find out! Or you can just watch Sleepless in Seattle on Netflix.
RG 2 (Glanzer): This is a terrible, but true story. I’m flying to Vegas and I can’t friggin find the bathroom. Like it’s not where it normally is on the plane. Of course it was where it was normally and everyone in business class is laughing at me. I turnaround and Suvin is laughing at me. We prob should mention something about how they are good at hockey but not as good as FK or the Rehabs. Probably bc Tim K. is overrated. Also, Ann M. needs to stop texting me when the Isles beat the Rangers!
RG 1 (Greene): Usually as soon as you start any sentence with “One time in Vegas…” one can assume that everything following it is utter nonsense. But I love that this story is true. Maybe I just love stories about Suvin laughing at RG 2 at 39,000 feet in the air? Also, stop it Ann! It’s been a tough season.
RG 1 (Glanzer): Hey look! I’m RG 1! I winnnnn!!!!!!! Three straight times in the finals. Did they win last year? If only there was someway to remember if they won or lost!
RG 1 (Glanzer): With Amber leaving the Fuzz hawk that looks like a pigeon is going to be very happy, since I’ve never seen anyone with so many high-balls. But since no team has repeated as champions since before the Modern Era (2008-2015) I think they are the team to beat instead of FK.
RG 2 (Greene): I can’t say I understand much of what was written above. But I’m gonna try something here: #ByebyeKirkham #HelloHicks #Showtime4lyfe
RG 1 (Glanzer): I’ll get behind the #$h0wT!m34Lyfe hashtag. And I’ll say this about Hicks. If he was on his deathbed I guarantee Russell Westbrook, Sam Presti and myself would come check on him. But the next player on Fuzz will be given #5. (RG 2 can’t understand much of what was written below her last statement either.)
RG 1 (Greene): Ughhh.. I don’t want to be here. Anyone want to trade so we can go back to the second or third division?
RG 2 (Glanzer): Why am I back to being RG 2?
RG 1 (Greene): Because I win. Speaking of winning: Butchers! Go Meat!
RG 2 (Glanzer): Oh man…I’m not sure winning and Butchers are going to go hand in hand. In fact I will make a bold prediction. When you beat Fuzz this season, I’m going to rub it in and laugh in your face. Because had you stayed in the 2nd, you could have beaten us twice, Math twice, the Anklebiters once and the Hookers once (I assume the Anklebiters and Hookers would beat you once. Not Math, they suck). Instead you get to play FK, Lbs. Filthier and the Rehabs twice. Also, do I get the last word? If so… RG 1!!!!
RG1(Greene): No, Glanzer, you do not get the last word on the Butchers. You know who does get the last word? Butcher babies! We have two Butcher(biter) babies arriving at the start of the season. Please warmly greet Baby Creamy and Baby Kravis, as well as the butcher baby millenials that joined the squad. But sadly, last season we had to say goodbye to MDF’s beloved. #RIPRIGHTIE.