10. Corlears Hookers at 7. Rehabs
by Richiehero

The Hookers are like Adrian Gonzalez. An aging first basemen who shows flashes of greatness, but had to retire because he just wasn’t as good as the younger players. The Hookers still have some really good players, but they are no longer the threat they used to be. Tiffany, Sara, Cro, are all solid. But Noelle isn’t. She’s a little banged up and not the player she used to be…a below average player who gets hyped by the media bc she could tap in a rebound after Jason did all the work.

Meanwhile Hicks is really good. Is he still on the Rehabs this week? If so, the Hooks are in a lot of trouble. He might score four goals, the same amount of games Carlton played in. (That’s the rumor, I don’t know if that’s true or not.)

Prediction: I’m bummed we missed the Cro/Probie game this year. But how good are things going for Cro? Outside of getting killed by Hicks/Herr in the general BTSH election, the Phins are 3-0, Penn State coaches haven’t molested children in a lot of years, and the Pens are still really good. He’ll have a lot to look forward to after his team loses 5-1.

16. Mathematics at 2. Fuzz – Part 3
by Hicks

Math comes into this game fresh off a win over Skyfighters where they attempted to establish the league’s first ever two point line. Maybe it was the slick-ish weather, maybe it was Scotty K yelling about some kicker named ‘Justinnnnnnn Tuckerrrrr’, or maybe it was the veteran presence of Math coupled with Eli barking under his breath, but they looked very good. Their reward for that fairly resounding victory is a date with league sweetheart Fuzz Nation.

Fuzz comes into this one looking to make a deep playoff run. This isn’t the team that treaded water above .500 last season, this team looks much more like the juggernaut that scored at will in 2016. Much like that year, they boast 3 scorers in the top 10 of the league, four if you include Glanzer and his absurd 71 goals, none of which came from his MENS LEAGUE.

I’m going to say something super obvious, bear with me; this game is literally going to come down to Fuzz’s offense vs Math’s defense. While Fuzz is a team identified by its goal scoring prowess, Math has often been a team associated with David and a strong wall of defenders around him. Both teams strengths will be on full display Sunday and this could easily end up being one of the better games of the day. Last season Math took out Cobra Kai in a round of 16 upset then took filthier down to the last seconds in the quarterfinals. Do they have some of that magic in them this year? Will Fuzz be prepared for this game or are they looking forward to a potential quarterfinal rematch with the Rehabs? Lots of questions need answers, but I’m on a fairly strict word count so I’ll cut to the chase.

Prediction: It’s very hard to beat the same team three times in one season, but it’s hard for me to see Math generating enough offense this weekend to topple Fuzz. Fuzz takes the third Muzz weekend of the year 3-1 with a the third goal being a late empty netter.

13. Mega Touch at 4. Filthier
by Arya Stark, first of her name, drinker of beer, consumer of pipes and non-follower of the preview format

In this corner: Mega Touch who narrowly missed out on the division crown but still improved on last year’s finish by eight points.

The road so far: Mega had a solid year with impressive wins over What The Puck and the Anklebiters, but also their fair share of duds.  In fact, the win over the Biters was their only one over a non-D4 team all season.

The history books: Mega finished 19th last season and were eliminated in the play-in round by a surprisingly strong 14 seed, the Biters (why does it seem like this preview is about the Biters?).

Injury report: None that I know of except Julie’s had some crazy back issues for the past several months which she refuses to take time off of hockey to address.

One player to watch: Rookie of the year candidate Shelly Picard who is garbage at beerpong but quite good at hockey.  Having her on the blueline allows the forwards to take more chances which they’ll have to do against an overwhelming favorite (aka – David Strategy).

Key number: 5 – The number of one goal games Mega lost in the regular season.  Odds are if they are able to pull the upset, it’ll be in a tight defensive game where they’ll need to be on the right side of a close one.

Dominant narrative: Mega bounced back strong from the offseason defections of Brady and Cheekys and ironically finished one spot higher than the Butchers in the standings and have gone further in the playoffs.  Can they continue their surprising run into the elite eight?

The big question: Does Tuckman have another shutout in him?  Since July 22 he has had an impressive four of them, tops in the league in that span.  John Madden tells me that if he gives up zero goals on Sunday, Mega has a pretty decent chance of winning.

Bandwagon-ability: High.  A D4 team that older dudes like Walker tell me exhibits “the spirit of BTSH” and has some awesome people on it.

One good reason not to root for them: You think Julie is a white supremacist.

And In this corner: Filthier who finished fourth overall on the strength of a 13-5-0 record and +26 goal differential.

The road so far: Filthier has had their standard sneaky-good season, finishing tied for third in points (with LBS and Fresh Kills) but grabbing the 4th seed.  Their only losses on the year were to Fuzz, Rehabs, Cobra Kai and LBS (twice).

The history books: This year marks three straight seasons for Filthy as the #4 seed, with the season before that (2015) being their #1 overall/championship season.

Injury report: None that I know of, and unlike last year, they haven’t doled out many concussions either.

One player to watch: With Denis and Suvin gone, James has been a man on a mission all season.

Key number: 30 – The number of goals James and Sunny put up this season.  That’s more than the rest of the team combined.

Dominant narrative: New-look Filthy trying to regain their past glory after a tough overtime loss in last year’s semis.

The big question: Is this team due for a letdown or are they primed to finally make it back to the championship game?

Bandwagon-ability: Pretty low.  They’re a heavy favorite and DJ Tim K is really the only one who parties.

One good reason not to root for them: They tried to put Denis and Suvin on their playoff roster.  No word on whether anyone on this team is a white supremacist so at least we can all be thankful for that.

Prediction: If all of Mega’s top players show up, they have a sneaky-high talent level which could make this game much closer than you expect.  Matt has a great slapshot and Shelly is one of the best pure defenders in the league.  But Filthy is a fast, well-rounded and surprisingly physical team, and Tim K is one of the top goalies in the league.  They’re going to sweat this one out, but I think Filthier will eventually advance by a score of 4-2.

11. Instant Karma at 6. Poutine Machine
by Hornswoggle and Isaac

Karma’s “kujcikas” (keys) to victory
One of the worries this season for Chadtrick’s comrades was that attendance had been spotty at certain points, even with variegated, ridiculous weather fears and postponements that guaranteed somewhat of a reprieve for other teams. However, when the proper entourage decides to show, they’ll take a win (albeit half the time). Key to laying the plans to victory definitely includes having the siblings Cory and Brianna—who share the team lead in scoring with Derek—and a strong back line to keep Steve confident. An issue that, I imagine, the squad should rectify as soon as possible is its ability to be unrelenting; all seven regulation losses have more than two-goal deficits, which potentially means that Karma simply threw in the towel after two (“them’s fighting words!”), although I could be completely wrong in that assumption, since four wins are one-goal differences that could be result of successful comebacks. Keeping les bleus de la machine would necessitate a rigid formation against fast, wily personnel like all the Mikes and Nicorette, and strong attentiveness to passing lanes that I can easily exploit in a very small time frame.

Poutine’s “kujcikas” (keys) to victory
One of the worries JoAnn and Hilary’s Boyfriend did not have this season was attendance.  There are very few teams (if any) besides Poutine that can boast not having had to make a frantic venture to the blind gamble known as the Free Agent List.  This squad has depth, as they squeezed in 20 players and a goalie on their playoff roster.  This squad has talent, along with a scary amount of speed equally distributed across all lines and ranks.  This squad is family, as they can always be found together whether at the courts or at their favorite watering hole.  All of these things make Poutine Machine one of the most formidable teams remaining in the playoffs.

Hornswoggle’s prediction: Provided my team runs a solid 7-9 offense/4-5 defense personnel count, we’ll ensure victory, but will have to hold formation in the beginning since I predict Karma will be gunning to score early. Hopefully RJ won’t have too much prior to the match (or maybe that’s what we’ll expect and he’ll actually do fine regardless).

Isaac’s prediction: Karma’s approach to this game really does depend on what numbers they’ll have against the immovable object that is Poutine Machine.  If we can get enough bodies with a pulse approved for this clash then we might just come out swinging.  However, if not then we might just start drinking…