19. Dark Rainbows at 1. Cobra Kai
This aint no play-in game Rainbows. Cobra Kai came in first for a reason. After getting upset by Math last year, there is almost no chance Lauren and her crew takes this game lightly. Liam, Lauren, Dani will shut down most teams offense, and the shots that get threw will be gobbled up by Campbell. Don’t believe me? Check out this save. https://www.youtube.com/
Meanwhile, as great a turnaround as the Rainbows have been this season, they are still -39. But their turnaround is real. They didn’t get lucky vs. the Butchers, they earned that W. While they don’t have a superstar like Liam, they have many players who could play on any top division team. Their girls aren’t at the level of Tiffany, (either) Charlotte, or Alyssa, but they are young and run like heck. Ica and the C/Kats really bring energy to this team. And with a tear in my eye, I have to say the leadership of Cat and Greenwald is pretty awesome to watch. This team can win the Southeast Division next season.
Prediction: Arthur (https://www.imdb.com/title/
12. What The Puck at 5. Fresh Kills
written by An Old Jedi
(My Padawan is off hunting vampires with the Frog brothers in Santa Carla this week, so I am on my own.)
Without the Padawan, I am uninspired to write one of our usual absurd and long-winded scenarios in which we place these teams on American Gladiators, Super Sloppy Double Dare, or some other such nonsense.
So, let’s look at the Keys to the Game.
Keys to the Game for What The Puck:
- Buy VIP Sunday football tickets for both Gabe and Ariel, complete with a limo to pick them up and whisk them away.
- Don’t get in front of Eugene’s shot. Trust us.
- Never underestimate Natasha. She’ll make you pay the price for it.
- Don’t pile on Barch. You aren’t Cecil(e) Harambe.
- Stand in admiration of Nicole. Homegirl gives new meaning to the term “athlete”.
- Don’t let Soko get behind your defense. We speak from experience here.
- Whoever Tom and Frank are, mark those dudes.
- Where is Alice? We miss Alice.
Keys to the Game for Fresh Kills:
- Get Hogg talking about box scores/scoring highlights during gameplay. He will began yammering on and making obscure jokes that no one understands, and the puck will be yours.
- See if you can cause Emily to not be smiling. We love her smile, but we’ve never seen her without it, so we are just curious.
- Ask Marisa if it’s still “too hot to play”.
- Don’t leave Susie open in front of the net. 9 times out of 10 she’s gonna bury it.
- Tell Noah you screwed up again and forgot the receipt for your expenses. He’ll implode.
- Cover Eric and Paul. You may not know them. But, you will.
- Tell Justin we said hi!
Prediction: Even as recently as last year, this game could have been a classic “stop, stop, he’s already dead”. But, I don’t see it that way this year. WTP have won their division, and FK had their worst regular season finish in years.
I may even go as far as to say that WTP will pull off the upset in this one. But, no, I won’t go that far. The Pucks keep it close, but FK prevail, 4-3, in regulation
15. Denim Demons at 3. LBS, Inc.
The Demons gift for beating Gut Rot is a date with impending doom…the Lbs. As my friend JW would say, “Rich, if the Demons win this will be the biggest upset of all time.” No shit, Walker. The Demons are led by Jews with minimal athletic skills. Rosens, Joshes, guys with curly black hair.
Meanwhile the Lbs. lost Scotty and now they only have Luke, Jake, Avery, Alex and that old guy Karstan. Oh…and that’s not including the other players that I forgot.
Prediction: You can’t see the TSP scoreboard, because we don’t have one. And that’s good for the Demons bc the Lbs. are going to DOLE out a beating. 7-1 if Zisser is hungover. 7-0 if he’s not. 7-1.
9. Gremlins at 8. Gouging Anklebiters
by Jess D and Rich*
Two teams smack in the middle of playoff rankings face off this Sunday should prove for an interesting match.
In this corner we have The Gremlins:
Erich with an h as in ‘h-ey Ben Probert my name is Erich and I’m gonna totally show you up with a fuck ton of goals’ is going to be a huge factor this game. But let’s give some offensive props to Courtney. This is her first playoffs ever and with 2 goals last week, she’s currently ‘heating up’ (as the kids who play beer pong say). In other news, Allison Busch is being all cool and shit going on tour with her band so her absence will hurt the Gremmies defensively, but Jamie can hold it down in net.
And now let’s talk about The Ankle Biters:
Before we do, let’s talk about the 2017 ROY battle here. We all know about the Campbell/Hogg saga, but Marcella and the Gremlins are still furious over Carrie’s stunning upset. Word on the street is Marcella moved Carrie out of her top 4, and down to #7 on her Myspace friends list (Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat hasn’t reached Canada yet). As for the hockey…everyone knows Probie. If you don’t, come to my job where I have a picture printed of him after he won me a D5 championship, and more than $100 by betting on him to win the scoring title. <3 (tbh he may not have won if a certain someone didn’t tear their ACL but that’s neither here nor there and this is totally not Jess with this aside ok love u Probie bye) But the Gremlins better know who Jason is too. He is the guy that is actually/allegedly better than Probie. Then you have Derho, Joe P. and 15 other hustling maniacs whose life mission appears not to let you get a shot on goal. But if you do, Craig or their backup…Tim Brown will be there.
*bonus points if you can guess who wrote which paragraph
Prediction: Richie Hero says Anklebiters cruise, 4-1. Jess on the other hand says Gremlins win 3-2 in OT. So let’s meet in the middle and say Anklebiters win in an lol shootout.