Gouging Anklebiters (9) at Cobra Kai (1)
written by hockeyfan2187

In this corner: the Gouging Anklebiters

The road so far: They finished the season in 9th place, middle of the road. They have a great team, however attendance issues may have been a bit of a problem throughout the season. They handedly beat the Gremlins 2-0 in the Round of 16, generating a lot of offense and moving the puck incredibly well. (Sources are reporting that Probert did not score, however.)

The history books: Historically the Biters were in the 4th division, and used to finish 19th or 20th in the regular season. In recent years they have added new young talent, and the addition of Craig in net in 2012 has of course helped them a ton. Regardless of the team’s varying skill level over the years, they are one of the most fun teams, and embody what BTSH was intended to be. Phil and Amy ensure this, year after year.

Injury report: Probert’s ego. (Current playoff goal tally – zero.)

One player to watch: Probert is always the player to watch for them, however this new guy Jason is making a huge splash. If not covered tightly, he will definitely make the Dojo pay.

Key number: 0. The amount of goals Craig gave up in their Round of 16 matchup last Sunday, notching what the media are told was his first ever playoff shutout (he has been in the league nearly 20 years, so this was a big deal).

Dominant narrative: “Probert is their best player. Stop him from scoring and you have a high probability chance of winning the game”. However, this dominant narrative is untrue. The truth is, the Biters have a lot of good players, and they all play well together as a team. Any of their O lines can score on you, and any of their D lines can shut you down. However, win or lose, Worky, Coco, Sarah, and the rest of the team will all be karaoke afterward, regardless.

The big question: Will their heavy hitters be in attendance? Probert vs. Will G. is an incredible matchup. They are both great players, both incredibly fast, and both have scoring prowess. Watching these two go head-to-head may give this one ‘Game Of The Week’ status.

Bandwagon-ability: Very high, as always. The Biters play clean hockey, and they have fun doing it. Their combination of BTSH-ness with a high level of hockey skill makes for a very large fan base.

One good reason not to root for them: You’re jealous that they’re cooler than you.

In this corner: Cobra Kai

The road so far: They finished 1st in the league. As a 3rd division team. We here at the media are unsure if this has ever happened? (Glanzer?)

The history books: Lead by Altman for many years, Kai was never a top tier team. However, due to the influx of new young, highly skilled players, they skyrocketed to become the incredibly talented team they are today.

Injury report: Anyone who has seen Russ’ comedy. Because that dude SLAYS.

One player to watch: Campbell. This game also features two of the best goaltenders in the league. Craig as the steadfast veteran, and Campbell the youngblood. I could easily see this becoming a goaltending battle. (Though both teams also have incredibly skilled goal scorers.) Also, leaving Nabatz open on the back door is an easy way to lose to this team.

Key number: 0. The number of playoff games they won last season, due to a stunning 1st round upset by Math. This has motivated them to (no, I won’t say “show no mercy”).

Dominant narrative: “They are one of the best teams in the league, no question. But do they have what it takes to bring home the PBR Cup?”

The big question: Can Liam crush the opposition’s hopes of winning as much as Cobra Kai are normally accustomed to? If he has a big game, it’s curtains for Los Biters.

Bandwagon-ability: The highest it’s ever been for a #1 seeded team. They rose from the 3rd division, they play cleanly, they have a lot of great and friendly people on their team. LJ kind of ruins this, but she alone is not enough to tarnish their image.

One good reason not to root for them: They’re the #1 seed. They aren’t your typical hated #1 seed, but the fact remains.

Prediction: Two teams with great offensive prowess go head-to-head, but Cobra Kai’s defense is perhaps the best in the league. Someone who actually knows about sports and is not just faking it for this preview once told me “defense wins championships”. The not-so-evil Dojo rolls on, 4-2 in regulation.

ps – I have been informed that Probert cannot make the game due to being away for the weekend. So, ya know, just disregard my whole preview.

Poutine Machine (6) at LBS, Inc. (3)
by Jess D and Cat

Last week Poutine won a chippy game against Karma that was ultimately won in lolshootouts by RJ’s expertise in net and Jerome’s fancy feet. Poutine’s bench is deep – but Hillary’s Boyfriend didn’t fare well in OC, Mikey has seen some bad spills, and Christina had a bout of food poisoning last weekend, so TBD if they field enough players. On the other hand, they played about half their season in September (thanks rain fears!) so they are definitely at peak conditioning right now. LBS need to watch out for Charlotte, she is nasty on the point and with her in-bounds, setting up the rest of the team for a scrappy finish.

Look we want to root for Poutine – they certainly serve up some lolshootouts spectacle and close finishes – but we literally cannot get over the fact that they go to the 13th Step. It’s for underage NYU students and interns, I will NOT hear this “their happy hour wings are so cheap” defense any more.

As for LBS – they dispatched with the Denim Demons, no surprise upset there, but this is going to be a much tougher match. LBS have been skating (sneaker-ing?) through this season despite hitting a few bumps in the road. Their post season journey has them facing off against not just one but two teams who play hard and fast and manage to put the ball in the net a couple times game. Luckily this team of seasoned veterans and some young guns has managed to out score their opponents on more than one occasion.

Their lead scorer Scotty may be injured, but he’s more than making up for it on the bench (except not with actual, you know, goals, just unbridled enthusiasm). We think the player to watch this week is Roberts. He’s one of the fastest guys on the team, extremely scrappy and can always win balls in the corner – the style of play that’s going to confront Poutine. Also v deadly if left open in front of the goal.

LBS are no league sweethearts – Last time we checked this is AMERICA and also the monetary system of pounds haven’t been utilized as currency in Britain until the recent Brexit. And Doc Holidays is only slightly more socially acceptable than the 13th Step as a team bar (at least you can bring in Baker’s pizza).

Will the Lbs defense have the composure to stop the hectic tornado that is Poutine? Will Poutine maybe like win a game for once instead of stalling for a nail biting shootout?

Prediction: LBS win fair-and-square in regulation with a 3-2 squeeze over Poutine.