By Hornswoggle

Fuzz (Midnight blue/electric lime)

2017: Last in the Soko Division; 9-7-2, 20pts, +3 goal differential; lost to Rehabs in the quarterfinals

The squad that was once, a long, long time ago, the brainchild of league legend Ben “Chadtrick” has been—for at least one full season—under the dictatorship of the full kit wanker Richie G. The former half of 2017 didn’t show great promise (3-5-0-1 in the front 9) but things stabilized, we suspect, when Jeff and Alexa finally tied the knot. Although having given the Gremlins a 6-0 drubbing in the Round of 16, the luck of the draw as the #11 seed didn’t prove advantageous, because they pulled the Rehabs for the quarterfinal game, gently crashing and burning to a 1-0 loss.

With new co-commissioner /“pharaoh” Brian H. reuniting with Ramy on the Rehabs to make a steadfast Wolverine partnership, it potentially leaves Rich as the “strongest” person on the team. Gil reaching Yoda-age levels may be an issue as the season progresses, but he’s like a fine wine… please make sure not to lock him in a cellar, Rich.

Prediction: 2nd in the division, and they end their postseason in the quarterfinals.

Mathematics (Heather grey/off-white)

2017: 2nd in the CMB Division; 8-7-3, 19pts, -6 goal differential; lost to Fresh Kills in the quarterfinals

For the second time in four seasons, we can probably write unambiguously that “Math got screwed”, but not by bad bounces or refereeing, but by the luck of the draw. Although having had a decent season in the top half of the league—having faced the likes of the Sky Fighters (twice) and LBS, Inc.—they placed #12, with the potential of taking the highest seeds for their postseason campaign. They eventually drew and succumbed to league champions Fresh Kills in a 4-3 nailbiter that probably could have given any of the older Fresh Killers cardiac arrests due to high demand of running and medium-rare steak diets… if the results were reversed.

Prediction: 3rd in the division, and they “get screwed” once again in the quarterfinals.

Note: Potentially we could see the same kind of gameplay in 2018, having heard no rumors about new acquisitions or departures. If Adam, James and the majority of the Norri clan can give it a full season, they can certainly pull upsets in the latter half of the season and even into the postseason.

Sky Fighters (Federal blue/white)

2017: 3rd in the CMB Division; 9-9, 18pts, -6 goal differential; lost to Filthier in the Round of 16

Despite literally having an average season, the squad yielded the best individual goal-scorer in the league in Mike T. His second-to-none performance in 2017 didn’t justify staying with the team after the postseason results, so he’s actually on his way to Fuzz in an attempt to outmuscle the league’s notorious Crossfitter. Additionally, I heard through the grapevine that the bearded, bandy-legged French-Canadian, Olivier, has transferred to Cobra Kai, exacerbating the current Sky Fighters’ current situation. However, league vet Caroline W. reassured us that she actively participated in the FA scrimmage and likely plucked a couple of potential replacements. We’ll be focusing on Greg, Mia, and beer connoisseur Bob W. to be the fulcrums of the squad’s success.

Prediction: 4th in the division, and tragically lose in the Round of 16.

Gouging Anklebiters (Oxford blue/ochre)

2017: 4th in the CMB Division; 7-8-3, 17pts, -15 goal differential; lost to Corlears Hookers in the Round of 16

This squad may as well be Gut Rot in a higher division, namely because everyone has adopted a much chiller, lax side to the gameplay than their division rivals. One of the most peculiar moments to the 2017 season was seeing Probie deked out by who appeared be a complete novice, and then smiling immediately afterwards (and namely, not chasing in frustration). The positive vibes gave them a decent record though not enough to get out of the play-in game, which wasn’t a breeze, as it was a 3-2 win over Mega Touch. But the real test was their Round of 16 match against the Hookers, whom they took into overtime to settle. They lost, but still partied hard à la Ellery postgame.

Our editor-in-chief received word that the Anklebiters drafted a player who singlehandedly can make it a dark horse team. Combined with the veteran leadership from Joe P., Alex D., and Craig, as well as good coaching from the retired Schuie, the dark horse can shake things up late in the season.

Prediction: last in the division, and fall in the quarterfinals.

Corlears Hookers (Northwestern purple/gold [foil])

2017: 1st in the Katz Division; 13-4-1, 27pts, +30 goal differential; lost to LBS, Inc. in the quarterfinals

From the start of 2017, the campaign has been largely a “Cro-peration” of sorts, propelling the team to results akin to the days of Putka and Beauvois. Yes, if you’re asking me what/who contributed to the success of this club, I would say that Cro, with his on- and off-court trolling—including celebrations that involve dabbing—encouraged the Hookers’ overall gameplay to be, erm… penetrating (physically and mentally?). A +30 goal differential does mean stellar defense (Bill, Danilo) and goaltending (Longwell), but it also means good leadership and accountability. Despite getting shell-shocked by LBS, Inc. in the quarterfinals, this team was one of the few that never experienced consecutive losses in 2017.

The overall season results and the postseason upset should be motivation to succeed in the CMB Division. Should they keep consistent attendance and the same kind of roster, we would almost expect them to win the division. Let’s hope Cro doesn’t over-celebrate or over-dab!

Prediction: Division winners, but bow out in the semifinals.