by Arya Stark

Welcome to the 2018 Midseason Power Rankings.  If you can believe it, we’re already halfway through the season.  Goals, saves, sandwich debates, rain fears, video review controversy, boxed wine, unprotected sex – save for tasteful fence shoving, 2018’s really had it all.  And we still haven’t even gotten to the Olympics, although to be fair Becca may never make it there either way.

The methodology for this ranking was simple: nine people filled out a poll (10 if you count Chadwick’s ranking which was Karma #1 and a 19-way tie for 2nd), and the results were aggregated.  Some people chose not to rank their own teams which meant those teams received only eight votes to average; some people didn’t rank the bottom teams because they’re not as heartless as I am.  One person, who’s like-to-retweet ratio on Twitter has raised some suspicion that he’s actually a Russian bot, submitted a series of three way ties, essentially sorting the teams into tiers.  Some didn’t give feedback; others made comments on all teams.  Some were really nice and generous; others were named Rich Glnzr.  All in all, we were able to put this together and even got some bonus hot-takes thrown in for a future column.  Read, enjoy, bitch.  That last word was a verb, not a noun.  Let’s do this.

1) LBS Inc (8-1-0)

Besides an early season loss to Karma, the LBS have been firing on all cylinders. The past two games were tight, playoff-type wins; every other one has been by three or more goals. Scotty and Karsten are both top five in scoring, their ladies have already tripled last season’s female goal total, and Sizzler’s been far more protective of his net than he is of his bedroom. The only question that matters: can they keep it up in the playoffs?

What They’re Saying:

“Karsten and Scotty are beasts, Ali’s smile could melt the coldest of hearts, and Mr PJs is good for a shootout tuck once in a while.  Sizzler makes saves he should not be able to make while Agassi is real strong on the blue line (but is vulnerable to chirps).” – Will

“Have been dominant with an incredibly difficult strength of schedule.” – Probie

“Their captain is so damn sexy.” – Commonly heard on Sundays

T2) Cobra Kai (7-0-2)

Looked like the presumptive favorite before being felled by two straight shootout losses, including last week’s shocker to the Riots which JW proclaims to be one of the great upsets in BTSH history.  A D3 team in name only, they have the defense and goaltending to go all the way but will need to give Campbell more run support and avoid LOL shootouts at all costs.

What They’re Saying:

“Their goaltending might be the most solidified out of the top few teams, but you need to score to win playoff games and their offense can look anemic.” – @ballhogg

“#2017ROY Campbell and more depth than a Perko blog about losing a hockey stick make CK the team to beat this year (cut to montage of Riots rioting and Pounds pounding).  Olivier is about to break out after completing his walkabout.” – Will

“Am I smoking crack or did they really just lose to the Riots?” – Anonymous

T2) Rehabs (7-2-0)

Preseason favorite has only lost to LBS and Cobra Kai.  Cherie’s ice hockey squad is making a solid adjustment to life with balls and the Phareoux hasn’t even begun his reign of terror yet, much to the delight of my fellow Jews all over the league.

What They’re Saying:

“Most balanced team out there right now.” – Scotty K

“Not a single weak link on the roster.” – Probie

“Not the biggest fan.” – Kirkman

4) Fuzz (8-1-0)

2016 President’s Trophy winning squad has regained old form after surprising 11th place finish last season (adding the league’s leading scorer two years running will do that to you).  You know the names by now: Jeff, Mike, Miles, Gil, Ryann…the list goes on.  It’s a murderer’s row of talent an on paper, this is easily a top 3 team.  The question, as always, is if they’re going to try to outscore opponents all the way to the championship or if they’ll consider playing defense at some point in the season.

What They’re Saying:

“Didn’t perform well against D1 competition last year, and are out to prove that they can this year similar to 2016.” – @ballhogg

“Have way too many goal scorers to not make the top 5.” – Probie

“Fuzz!” – Eli

5) Fresh Kills (5-3-0)

2017 champions and borderline league terrorists are exhibiting a world-class championship hangover, yet remain 5-3 on the season and handed Fuzz their only loss so far.  Attendance has been an issue but when the chips are down, no one wants to face this squad in the playoffs.

What They’re Saying:

“Lost a bit of a step from last year with Frank not coming back – damn that guy was insane. Still awesome team with all-star guys in Gabe, Ariel and then some. And Sheena. Just. Good.” – Scotty K

“You assholes aren’t fooling anyone. Actually you probably are, but not me.” – RichieHero

6) Filthier (6-3-0)

2015 champions are sneaking under the radar after losing Suvin and Denis in consecutive years and having to rebuild through their farm system (and by poaching Danielle).  Only losses are to LBS, Rehabs and Fuzz who are ranked 1, 2 and 4 respectively.  Amazingly, out of nine rankers, six of them had Filthy ranked exactly sixth.  Math nerds will note that gives them an incredibly low standard deviation of ranks while non-math-nerds are unlikely to ever sleep with me after that comment.

What They’re Saying:

“One of the strongest goalies in the league with a lot of talented players.” – Probie

“Have a great mix of scoring talent and goaltending which will always give them a shot at competing in the playoffs.” – @ballhogg

“I would have ranked them higher if they had any Cecil Harambe representation.” – Eli

7) Gouging Anklebiters (6-3-0)

The Biters have quietly amassed the third best goal differential in the league.  Probie is on a tear and currently tied for the lead in the Richard Trophy race, but this is no longer just a one man show.  They have the offense and goaltending to make a dark-horse run to the championship.

What They’re Saying:

“Probie is top 3 in the league. Supporting cast is solid everywhere with goal scorers in Joe P, Jared, and Derho.” – Scotty K

If they don’t shorten the bench for the playoffs, I’m not sure they can win four games to win PBR Cup. If they do shorten bench, they can.” – RichieHero

“No one shoots his shot like Derho and these girls know how to party. For real though, is this the most fertile team in BTSH? Someone should write a blog on BTSH spawn.” – Will

8) Poutine Machine (5-2-0)

Poutine has only lost two games and given up eight goals on the entire season. Of course, these stats are much more impressive if you don’t know that they have two games to make up.  Still, this team is better than you think with less off-ice distractions than years past and some of the best goaltending in the league.

What They’re Saying:

“Would normally reserve this section for my Nic Held erotica, but this team is scary good. Yes, they have ringers. But they’re really good ringers.” – Scotty K

“Incredible goal tending, but start playing your games.” – Will

9) Gremlins (6-2-1)

Don’t look now but the Gremlins have won four straight and finally seem to be playing at a level befitting the talent on their roster.  Elite offense and goaltending make them contenders but Rockoff’s upcoming sabbatical to Australia (word of advice: don’t fly Oceanic) will test the resolve of the team, the SALT Boys and Walker’s +/-.

What They’re Saying:

“Erich, Marcella, and Jamie show. So gucci. And then there’s Alex Rockoff, he’s really nice. Also Magic Man.” – Scotty K

“Poutine and the Gremlins should combine. Poutine has the right spirit to win the PBR Cup, but they lack the talent. Gremmies have a lot of talent, but lack Poutine’s spunk.” – Anonymous 

“Are power rankings a sandwich?” – Eli 

10) Corlears Hookers (2-4-1)

After an entire summer of hearing Cro start conversations with “wanna join the Hookers?” it’s somewhat surprising that none of the poaching attempts came to fruition.  Everyone knows the Hookers have the talent and goaltending to make a run in the playoffs, but when will they start playing like it?  Rankers clearly believe it’ll happen soon and the underlying metrics seem to support it with their goal differential giving them a win expectancy of 4 wins out of 7 games.  Of course, the fact that they’ve only played seven games so far is a different travesty altogether.

What They’re Saying:

“Noelle and Tiffany make this team. They’re dope and scary good. Sam’s good. Cro scores. Tight.” – Scotty K

“They got Dustin back and he def is one of the best goalies. But they no longer have 3 – 5 top 15 players. Also any team Noelle is on is overrated. I can name like 50 hockey players better than her and some even play in BTSH.” – RichieHero

11) Butchers (3-5-0)

The Butchers’ move to the first division has not gone quite as smoothly as planned.  Despite the addition of high talent / sexiness level players like Brady and Cheeky, the Butchers sit two games under 500.  The Gremlins, a comparable team who’s squeaked out wins against fourth division Mega and the Rainbows, just shellacked them 6-0.  Still, there’s too much talent on this team not to make a second half run.

What They’re Saying:

“Have been crushed by strength of schedule of lack of attendance but when everyone is in, this is a pretty complete team.” – Probie

“Point: Where is fast Dave? Rachel G is looking for him. Counterpoint: Creamy is a father!” – Will

“Hockey good.” – Tarzan

12) Mathematics (3-5-1)

Math’s goal differential is above only the bottom three teams in these rankings, but our rankers were not fooled.  They’ve had a gruesome schedule to start the season, having lost to the top four teams in these power rankings plus the 7th ranked Biters by a combined score of 20-5.  Still, they almost beat the Rehabs, barely losing in a shootout, and were neck and neck with Fuzz for much of last week’s game.  Getting their gimpy co-captain and co-commissioner back for the end of the season will be their own personal October surprise.

What They’re Saying:

“These lovable nerds may be fan favorites, but they also know how to win.” – Will

“Great chemistry and play well in front of great goaltending…can give any team a scare on any given Sunday.” – @ballhogg

“I hate Math.” – Becca, in a conversation about counting

T-13) Instant Karma (4-4-1)

After a rollicking start to the season which featured revenge over last year’s playoff foes, the Demons, and a major victory over the LBS, Karma’s been hit with a painful case of regression over the past month.  This is very much a tale of two teams: the best of times (a 4-0 start) and the worst of times (0-4-1).  The question rolling into the second half is, which one is really them?

What They’re Saying:

“This team has a lot of talent, but needs to get the wheels back on the truck.” – Will

“They really wish we did a Quarter-Season Power Rankings.” – Eli

T-13) What The Puck (4-5-0)

What The Puck has the best third jerseys in the league.  The use of the old Canucks logo with Da Pucks written on it is truly inspired.  That being said, this team has been mildly disappointing this season, failing thus far to build on a strong 2017 and near first round upset.  One ranker compared their fall to the 2017 Ottawa Senators except for the fact that WTP is still in first in their division and have yet to be rocked with any ridiculous team scandals.  The next two weeks against their old friends at Poutine and the Gremlins will show us what they’re really made of.

Average Ranking: 13.78
Standings Position: 11th
Goal Differential: 12th
Highest Ranking: 11th
Lowest Ranking: 16th

What They’re Saying:

“It’s hard to add the best new player in your division/conference and the scoring title runner up every year.” – Anonymous 

“Haven’t seen them play too much this year, but never sleep on Hogg and Justin.” – Scotty K

“Ladies, feel free to sleep on us.” – Hogg and Justin

T-13) Sky Fighters (2-5-1)

The Sky Fighters are very much in the midst of a rebuilding year.  Gone are Olivier, Vlad and the multiple-Richard trophy winning Mike T, replaced by a rag-tag group of free agents and young guns.  At some point they’re going to figure out how to play together, and it’s going to be rough on the rest of us.

What They’re Saying:

“Trust In(fanti)” – Will

“New guys will learn ball hockey and be scary good.” – Scotty K

“What’s up with all the bullshit bounces?” – Every new player ever

16) Denim Demons (2-5-1)

When I joined this league in 2016 the Demons were in the first division.  Last year they moved to the second.  Now they’re in the third.  At this rate, by the time I hit age 35 BTSH is going to need to add 12 more teams so they can move down to D7.  But in the midst of getting knocked down a bit on the hockey side, they’ve really stepped up their drinking and attempted to rebrand themselves as league sweethearts; unfortunately, stealing Ella’s dog is no way to win friends and they’re going to have some serious repenting to do come Yom Kippur.  Still, this team is much better than you think as consecutive one goal losses to the Rehabs and Gremlins show.  Like the Sky Fighters, will be formidable once they gel.

What They’re Saying:

“Not league sweethearts. Relegated.” – Anonymous

“I think a lady bug pissed on a fig leaf somewhere on the east court. There will be no team this year.” – Adam R

17) Mega Touch (3-6-0)

Mega is a team in limbo: too strong for D4, but perhaps not strong enough for D3 (definitely not as long as D3 weirdly has teams like Cobra Kai and Poutine). After going 10-7 and being promoted in 2016, they struggled and dropped right back to D4 the following season. Now they’re just a game behind division leading WTP and with a slew of talented rookies to boot. Julie will squeeze everything she can out of this group and guys like Alok will play their hearts out every week, but is there enough here to make a run past opening weekend? Interestingly, in terms of actual raw #s, rankers have Mega closer to 13th place than 18th.

What They’re Saying:

“They play really hard and competitively and can pull off a huge upset.” – RichieHero

“Brady quietly scoring a lot of goals from the blue line (edit: Brady is, in fact, a Butcher)” – Will, realizing his own mistake

“Can we put this team in division 3.5?” – Anonymous

18) Gut Rot (3-6-0)

Unlike Mega, Gut Rot is a team that knows exactly who they are; a fun, occasionally insane beer league team that has to play hockey every once in a while. While this season’s upset over the Hookers wasn’t quite on par with last year’s triumph over Fuzz, it was probably no less satisfying, especially for Cro’s OC teammates (THINT LYFE). Rankers all had them at 17th or 18th but the teams indomitable spirit and the goaltending of Ed gives them a chance every time they step out to play.

What They’re Saying:

“Wait, do we have a game today?” – Anonymous

“Three days is too long for a peyote binge.” – Probably the same person

19) Tompkins Square Riots (1-7-1)

The Riots looked to be having the season from hell before shocking the world this past Sunday with a massive shootout victory over the previously top-ranked Cobra Kai. Like Gut Rot, the Riots are led by their goaltender, league veteran Dave GDR who is liable to put up a few monster performances each year and steal some games his team probably has no business winning. Of course, Sharif and Suz make his job that much easier out there but they’ll have to put up more goals than the 10 in 9 games they have so far if they’re going to have a shot at winning more games this year. Getting David the ball would be a good start, as would getting Evan to show up once in a while.

What They’re Saying:

“Huge win against Cobra Kai but doesn’t change the fact that they lost to the teams at the bottom of the standings (Rainbow, Gut Rot, Sky Fighters, Mega Touch).” – Anonymous

“Beat Cobra Kai. Just getting started. Dave GDR and Dave Frost providing some clutch plays and Sharif and Laura are rock solid on the blue line.” – Will, contradicting the above ranker, but also maybe a little biased

“The Riots have no captain.  They are an anarcho-syndicalist commune.” – Chadwick, in plain sight this entire time

20) Dark Rainbows (1-7-1)

The Rainbows suffered through an incredibly difficult 2017, losing many of their best players and having to rebuild on the fly. They came within a goal of shocking the league in the play-in round and looked primed to build off that this season. While that hasn’t come to fruition yet, there’s a lot to like about this team. Tia and Cat are two of the most underrated ladies in the league and have kept their teams spirits high. There’s some promising talent on this roster, but with Gut Rot having beaten the Hookers and the Riots shocking Cobra Kai last week, the Rainbows still need to put together their signature win on the season. Lucky for them, the second half will offer plenty of opportunity to do so.

What They’re Saying:

“They get their first win in more than a year a couple of weeks ago, and yet are now on a five-game losing streak.” – Eli, explaining how paradoxes work

“Feminism is destroyed. Blame Jess.” – RichieHero

“If only we won that playoff game against Filthier…” – Anonymous 

Please direct any complaints about the content of this article to literally anyone but me.  Enjoy the second half of the season and we’ll see ya Sunday.