Filthier at Rehabs
by Isaac

In this corner: FILTHIER (12-3-3, 28 goals differential), who finished 4th overall in total points for the 2017 season.

The road so far: Pretty favorable.  They opened the playoffs against a depleted Sky Fighters team and then narrowly escaping a ‘We’re just happy to here!’ Poutine team.

The history books: Not great.  It took absorbing another team’s superpowers for Filthy to even taste the Frozen Four and that year they won the franchise’s only BPR Cup.  However, before that, and even post, they’ve been stymied from enjoying any postseason success.

Injury report: Does being pregnant count?  Yeah, didn’t think so.  But still the loss of Jesse this season has been noticeable at times.  We blame JJ.

One player to watch: We’ve already talked about Kate, and everyone knows about James’ heroics, but the player to keep an eye on is their rookie Mike.  He was brought on this season to make up for the loss of that guy that went to Toronto and so far things have gone . . . okay.  Yeah, not great, but not terrible either.  If Filthy is going back to the Championship Game then Mike needs to start contributing more than his weekly $5 towards post-game suds.

Key number: Zero, zilch, nada.  That is how many goals they’ve allowed so far in the playoffs.  The defense has done a remarkable job of clearing the ball out of their zone and giving Tim enough space to see every shot.

Dominant narrative: Do they have enough defensive depth to hold off a high-powered offense?  James only has so much in his back-checking tank before it runs out.

The big question: How the hell did Jamie wind on this team?!  Not that there’s anything wrong with him.  He comes off as a real swell guy.  But it just seems like an odd fit.  Having said all of that, I guess the real question is what are they going to get out of him against the Rehabs?

Bandwagon-ability: Through clinched teeth and deep Manson lamps I’ll admit it is rather high considering the team’s that are remaining.

One good reason not to root for them: Suvin isn’t around anymore.  The lone ray of light on a team of dark souls has gone out and with him all hope is lost.

And in this corner: REHABS (13-3-2, 28 goals differential), who finished 2nd overall in total points for the 2017 season.

The road so far: After easily sweeping aside the Demons in the Sweet 16 they ran into a freight train last Sunday and lived to talked about it.  Needless to say this squad is playoff tested.

The history books: During this dynasty history has been pretty favorable to them.  Most of their players are under contract for at least another season or two so their fan base is letting it ride while these times are good.

Injury report: Nothing confirmed yet, but something is probably wrong with Showtime.

One player to watch: Monique. Yep, she’s back baby!  Right when you thought you’d seen enough of this team’s weapons she shows up and dominates the party.  Playing her up allows for Sena and Amber to hang back and play clean-up.

Key number: 3. For the past three seasons, including this one, they’ve advanced to the Frozen Four.  The previous two they made it to the Championship Game and last year ran away with the PBR Cup.

Dominant narrative: Is there such a thing as too much of a good thing?  One thing that we haven’t mentioned this season is that there are too many players on this team that need the ball in their hands (so to say).  There’s only one rock to spread around and it is starting to look a little thin.

The big question: Will Bryan W. be allowed to play?  From top to bottom the Rehabs are nearly a complete team, but one of their worst kept secrets is how vulnerable they are when he’s on the court.  Sena knows this and might have to make a heartbreaking, yet easy, decision on Sunday morning.

Bandwagon-ability: Pretty low.  We saw them win last year and even though this dynasty is young they seem to have already grown old.

One good reason not to root for them: We’re still sore about Eric’s decision two season’s ago to leave Gut Rot (BITCHEZ) for a ring.  Fine, KD did it in the NBA, but this league is different.

Prediction: Filthy has delivered all season long, but just like these two team’s previous meetings this season it’ll be the Rehabs collecting the W and moving onto their third straight Finals.

LBS, Inc. at Fresh Kills
by Jerome

Preamble
Interesting that all the sides remaining are from the top division (too bad this wasn’t Fuzz’s year). Will next year have the Butchers and Fuzz in the final four, then? Creamy, make sure you lend Rachel your BCAA stash for next season. Rich… what can I say? Good luck finding the new Mel P. (now Mel D.).

 In this corner: #1 Fresh Kills (17-0-0-1, 35 pts.)

How they got here: A convincing win over the Riots in the sweet sixteen and a close shave with Mathematics in the quarters helped get Roxy and the true blue crew here.

The history books: In the days of Foster, they had the league on a string: two championships in the Tompkins era and probably many more on the birdbath side of Corlears.

One player to watch: With a record so pristine, Barch would have been the one on whom to focus. But we take a page from the 2010 Elves, whose vice-captain and motivator (now league “Sultan”) took a crucial timeout to guide the green (read: electric lime) men to victory. Therefore, I must present that Soko is the key player to watch; what he says and does as a leader will reflect on his teammates and will make or break the team’s ambition to reach the final stage for the fourth time in nine seasons. No pressure.

Key number: 1. It’s their league rank. Also, the opposition has scored this many goals—or less—in the azzurri’s 11 of 17 wins. Stalwart defending and reducing the morale of the opposition is tantamount to keeping the tally low.

The big question: Will Soko finally put Scott Lee in?

Bandwagon-ability: You’ll roll your eyes and think, “wtf another Fresh Kills title?” Honestly, though, I can’t find anyone to absolutely despise here… unless you’re the Sultan and you talk about Gabe sounding like you wish you were him. I mean, you are playing offense now, Rich; I’m sure he’ll teach you everything you know about playing the role.

One good reason not to root for them: They’ve got more championship rings than the amount of times the Kardashians have been sued for copyright infringement. It’s not necessarily a dynasty, but it’s quite enviable.

 In this corner: #8 LBS., Inc. (11-5-0-2, 24 pts.)

How they got here: In the Round of 16, Zac and Justin caught Sizzler slippin’ but in the end Karsten and the party machine ensured enough to advance. In a thrilling quarterfinal against the Hookers, it almost seemed as if the LBS.’ fairy tale would abruptly end, but just like the classic Disney film, Gaston saw his demise… to [K]aston. And now here we are.

The history books: Los blancos forcefully took the championship from Fresh Kills in 2012 and almost retained the title the following season, only to fall to… the Hookers. Consider last week’s win revenge for what transpired four seasons ago. Even in last year’s final, they fell victim to a stubborn, relentless Rehabs’ side where $#0\/\/+!m3 acted like he won his very first trophy (let’s not ask what happened to said trophy).

One player to watch: Everyone’s gonna watch Scott. It’s inevitable. The yelling disguised as encouragement, the sleeveless Blink-182 shirt, the backwards cap, the same neon shorts, and possibly the cookies (all intact, I hope)… there will be no shortage of entertainment. If he’s louder than the Heckle Wall™, I won’t be surprised one bit.

Key number: 8. Never forget where you came from; you’re facing the highest seed because you’re the lowest seed, and you had to work hard to get that seed. You made a 6-0-1 push in your last 7 during the season and you’ve stayed the course through extremely tough opposition twice in the dance. 8^th is your seed; 8^th is your identity. Let it keep you grounded and modest as you face your harshest test yet.

The big question: How thick is Arya’s dossier on Ariel?

Bandwagon-ability: Hop on it, fam. Lowest seed in the dance should always receive full support from the crowd.

One good reason not to root for them: You play for Fresh Kills. There’s no other explanation.

Prediction: Head-to-head, Fresh Kills dominates LBS.: they’ve won both season games and the opposition had no goals in either matchup. This is an open-and-shut case for the azzurri, right? No way—like all postseason games this October, this one will cause a real heartbreak. Barch will be the guy that causes it (I mean, he stopped my shootout attempt in W13 so anything goes). Karsten and Scott will tally, but Gabe, Ariel, and Nick will send a barrage of shots on Sizzler. Roxy will even partake in the festivities, and her goal will be the nail in the coffin. Fresh Kills hasta el final, 4-2.