11. Fuzz at 2. Rehabs
by Isaac

FUZZ Opening Narrative: After a disappointing start to the season, the Fuzz have found their grove again and are arguably the best team in BTSH right now.

Why They’ll Win: Jeff.  Period.  We could stop right here and move on, but for those of you that haven’t witnessed his game over the past 2-3 months this is for you.  He’s operating on a level above anyone in the league right now.  As soon as he scores, or sets up the opening goal, he drops back into his new office – mid rink.  Against the Gremlins he gobbled up everything that came near the middle and fed it right back to his forwards.  Nobody is playing with more determination and focus then him right now.

Why They’ll Lose: Yeah, there is an argument to be made that they have leapfrogged Fresh Kills as the new playoff favorite, but we can’t get past the elephant in the room – Fuzz’s history.  And not just against the Rehabs (which isn’t great), but last year they got this far and ran into a brick wall.  Plus Jeff can’t play the whole game and Rich has to eventually sneak on for a couple of shifts.

REHABS Opening Narrative: Have you heard?  They are the defending champs.

Why They’ll Win: They have the talent and depth to beat you multiple different ways.  The offensive onslaught of Alex, Cherie, Kyle and sometimes Showtime are enough to put any team in this league on their heels.  But add in Sena, who isn’t just one dimensional as a defense-person, but also a formidable forward, plus Amber who’s a puck moving defense-person with a lethal shot from any angle – and this team just scares the hell out of you.  And we haven’t even mentioned Eric in net.

Why They’ll Lose: This is a different Fuzz team than the one they faced during the regular season.  We’ve seen the Rehabs overcome adversity before, but they’ve never faced anything like this.  If the Fuzz can get an early 2 goal lead then, well, see above for details.

Prediction: An instant classic that goes to OT with the Fuzz moving on 4-3.

12. Mathematics at 1. Fresh Kills
by Sultan

MATH Opening Narrative: Math finished 8-10 and actually had a shot to move up to the Soko (or whatever the top division is called) Division. While two games under .500 doesn’t seem great, think about all the players they lost. Cherie and her brother James (who prob was the 2nd best player in the league next to Gabe), Amber, Batista, Roxy, Steph, Derk, Nathan, am I missing anyone? Probably. Then they knock off Cobra Kai?!?!? I hate Sam Norris as much as the next guy, but this team is a T-E-A-M, TEAM.

Respect.

Why They’ll Win: Dave rushes back from Philly, and makes the game. He has his A-Game. As I found out the best way, when Dave won Cecil(e) and Harmabe a World Championship in OC, he is one of the best in BTSH. He can shut down anyone. But more than that, Math needs to play short shifts and hustle back on D. Yes FK skill is going to cause openings, but if you limit them and clear all rebounds, they have a punchers shot.

Why They’ll Lose: Fresh Kills is a thousand times better than them for starters. Also, other dimwits like Walker would say, “He Sultan, Math finished 8-7-3, not 8-10 dummy.” No you stupid idiot, losses are losses and clearly Math sucks in OT and shootouts. So they will need to win in regulation, which they won’t because FK has literally no bad players. Just bad people. (Like that kid Andrew….no offense.)

FRESH KILLS Opening Narrative: They were one win away from perfection. James P. shootout goal will forever haunt this franchise if they win the championship. And every three years they do. 2008, 2011*, 2014, 2017???? (Soko knows why 2011 comes with an asterisk. I’m too classy to publicly say it. But it involves the Elves two best players not showing up for our semi-final game. Hmmm…I guess I wasn’t too classy.)

Why They’ll Win: The team doesn’t panic. They could be down 2 or 3 goals and they’d have the same demeanor. They also arguably have 4 of the top guys in the league in Gabe, Ariel, Frank and Tom. But the key thing is they literally have no weaknesses. There is not one player you can exploit. All their girls are solid, and their non-superstar guys are as steady as they come.

Why They’ll Lose: Apparently Gabe is not good at squatting or deadlifting. Can Sheena deadlift more than you Gabe? I hope not, that would be shameful. Not because she’s a girl, just because it’s Sheena. Oh right, that has nothing to do with them losing. But I have to kill space since I literally cannot think of one reason why they will lose.

Prediction: Cindrella dies an ugly death. It’s 3-0 10 minutes in and FK coasts to a pedestrian 6-1 victory. Ehhhh make it 5-1.  Also, their game takes a lot shorter time than the Fuzz/Rehabs game and their whole team is watching the end of that game.

7. Poutine Machine at 4. Filthier
by JW

POUTINE MACHINE Opening Narrative:  Poutine won their division this year, and upset the Butchers last week in the Round of 16.

Why They’ll Win: Steadfast defense, and playing smart as a team. Also, Suvin and Dennis will not be present for Filthier.

Why They’ll Lose:  Charlotte’s broken foot.  Ann cherry picking for Filthier.  James P., period.

FILTHIER Opening Narrative:  Filthier move the puck better than possibly any other team in the league. They have suffered some devastating personnel loses this season, but that doesn’t seem to be slowing them down.

Why They’ll Win: Charlotte’s broken foot.  Ann cherry picking in front.  Tim K., period.

Why They’ll Lose:  Tim K. forgets he isn’t playing a game for the Shortis, and thus is just chilling out next to the net watching old episodes of Perfect Strangers on his phone and not even paying attention to the game.

Prediction: In the biggest upset of the playoffs thus far, Poutine pulls this one out in OT, 4-3. Jerome gets the goal.

You heard it here first.

8. LBS, Inc. (2017: 11-5-0-2, 24 pts.) at 3. Corlears Hookers (2017: 13-4-1, 27 pts.)
by Jerome

Preamble
These teams are literally toe-to-toe at one another if looking at a general postseason record: each team has won it all once and fallen short twice in the Tompkins era. Even their 2017 season record cannot adequately paint a picture of how sh*t hits the fan when playoffs arrive because, literally very few have attempted doing so.

Why LBS., Inc.?
Los blancos have the cojones to start and end games with the same kind of heart, moxy, and now muscle (I’m looking at you, dude in the Blink-182 shirt). Something about a group of white shirts rushing at you is akin to having someone suffocate you with a white towel (of chloroform)… yes, their press is quite strong. Their players have shown speed (Dustin, even Lizzie B.), stickhandling (Arya, Luke), and veteran presence (Ali, Tommy, Karsten, and Sascha), elements of an all-around team. I have a feeling they won’t crumble under duress as much as their opposition will, but their top priority is to protect their goalie, who isn’t physically very big. Despite a 3-1 loss to them in W8, and a close encounter with Puck in the sweet sixteen, they’ll take an asymptotic route to breaching rule 1—but never doing it—which we’ll appreciate, for sure. My own experience playing this team? Yes, they can be physical, but they’re certainly smart about it.

Why the Hookers?
Their internal rebranding—mostly Cro’s doing—leads us to think they bang to the beat of their own drum, and they don’t mind all the criticism. A handful of members having left the Dark Rainbows much to Tia shrugging it off, their mentality is of a “no wins, no party” kind. Fortunately for them, emerging third in the league’s season record meant they could drink as much as they want after games. But why should Putka’s progeny prosper? Excellent goaltending (T-4^th goals against, season), a postseason Cro brace, as well as female (Tiffany, Sarah, Noelle) and male depth (Bill, Danilo) all account for team success so far. But with such a close call for the #3 seed from a nail-biter with the Anklebiters last Sunday, a little bit of hockey god conjuring might be necessary. My own experience playing this team? They’re quite physical, and they’ll play to the whistle, which will be the key.

The prediction
Assuming the refs are on top of the game, Dustin will sink a couple past Longwell. Cro and Tiffany will get one each and force extra time, where Longwell, much to the consternation of the Heckle Wall™, stands on his head and poke checks the third and final LBS’ shooter, ensuring him a ticket to the semis. Advantage to the Hookers, 3-2.