by Jerome Hornswoggle

The Heckle Wall™ has been a staple of Blacktop Street Hockey® even before its migration from Corlears Hook Park in 2009; back then it settled on the north side of the playground, facing FDR Drive and the East River, with the nearby net partially obscured by a birdbath (which has been the scourge of many a player). Nowadays in Tompkins, the so-called “birdbath” is somewhat manifested in that huge-ass tree on the West court, and it’s separated from the Heckle Wall™, which is established in the dugout area.

The purpose of the Heckle Wall™ is, obviously, to heckle. No one is an exception or gets a pass, especially when the ball arrives in the area. A few snide remarks, the never-ending boobirds, and some show-and-dance from costumed folk inhabit the Heckle Wall™ zone. Unfortunately, there weren’t many costumes in the final between #1 Fresh Kills and #2 Rehabs, but the atmosphere was jovial within the Heckle Wall™ and critical of all the players outside of said wall. That said, here are a couple of remarks and sequences that I remember that Sunday afternoon:

(to one of the Norri reffing the match)
“Sam, Sam, Sam, Sam, Sam, Sam, Sam, Sam, Sam, Sam, Sam, Sam, Sam, Sam, Sam, Sam,
Sam, Sam, Sam, Sam, Sam, Sam, Sam, Sam, Sam! SamSamSamSamSamSam…  Saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaam!”
(kudos to Worky for trying to sing the last part)

(towards Zac reffing the match)
“Who is timekeeping?”
“It’s that asshole from What the Puck!” (Anonymous)

(to the people in the other dugout “heckling”)
“No, be quiet, you shut up, shut your mouth!”

“If I wanted a 2-2 game, I woulda been a ballerina!” (Justin, WTP)

“Let’s gooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!” (Scott, LBS, Inc.)

“Who’s the long haired goon in the hat playing for the Rehabs?”
“Dunno.  Never seen ‘em before.” (Entire league)

“BOOOOOOOOO!!!!!” (Lee, Hookers)

“We love Gabe! We love Gabe! We love Gabe!”
“I thought you said, ‘We love gays!’”
“We love gays, too!”

“KKYYYYYLLLLLLLLEEEEEE!!!” “KKYYYYYLLLLLLLLEEEEEE!!!” (Scott, LBS, Inc.)

“I can’t see what’s happening!”
“Get on Chadwick’s shoulders.”
“Wait, where is he?”
“I think he’s at home sipping whiskey on his terrace while reading about conflict in Syria.”

“Man, my ass just isn’t the same after last night.”
“Should be after what you put it through.”

“What’s the score?”
“Who cares.  Let’s look for stuff to throw out on the rink.”

(on missing the net, for any guy out on the court)
“Take him out! He sucks!”

“I’m getting a little hangry.  What time is the Social Committee ordering pizzas for Parkside?”

“Is it wrong to break up with someone in a text message? No, right?”

“Could we do something inappropriate in front of the players… on the court… with this stuffed dolphin?”

“Wow! Ramy had an opportunity to toss a tictac in a whale’s mouth on that one.  Newman could have made that shot.”

“Barch Pile! Barch Pile! Barch Pile!”