oI really thought going to Canada and changing my identity was a great way to get out of the lifetime contract that I blindly signed to write for the BTSH website for life.  Unfortunately, Richie was able to track down my new phone number and guilt me into writing a preview.  

I obviously have no more than a general idea of how each team looks this season, but I like to think that me and my 6 goals in 2014 are uniquely qualified to judge talent and rank teams.  As I’ve retired from BTSH to take on my new role as the league’s official Mike Milbury, please enjoy my arbitrary and biased previews of the $h0wT!m3 DIVISION.  With in-line links, because that makes it look official.

5: Mathematics
Last season: Glanzer Division, 12-6-0, Championship
Most apt NHL team comparison: The Pittsburgh Penguins (star power, organizational hubris, playoff collapses)

Math is clearly the league’s Penguins.  Since winning the Norris lottery a few seasons ago, the team had all the makings to be a perennial powerhouse.  Combined with stalwart leadership in the Derek/Eli dictator borg and an uncanny ability to lure big name free agents like Joey Batista, Math had all the makings of a dynasty to come.   But every year, the playoffs happen and Math doesn’t have an answer.  Last year, it was a loss to the Hookers, setting up one of the most boring matchups in BTSH finals history (even though the game itself was exciting).  I still haven’t really forgiven them for that.

The name of the game is playoff success.  When you crash and burn in the semis with such lofty expectations, you find yourself coming in at the bottom of the power rankings.  I’m in Canada. What are you gonna do aboot it? 

4: Gouging Anklebiters
Last season: $h0wT!m3 Division, 11-6-1
Most apt NHL team comparison: New York Islanders (dark horse team, established core, plays hockey in New York)

I gave the Biters the Islanders for two reasons.  One is that I thought it would grind Rich’s gears, but the other is that I see this team as having a core that’s been together for at least as long as I’ve been around BTSH (one season give or take a few weeks).  Talking about people like Worky, Suz, Caroline, as well as the dynamic duo of Sarah Moore and Shelley Maasdorp.  Just a good, solid, reliable roster all around.

In all seriousness, these guys are in fourth place, but it’s less about them and mostly about the strength of the $h0wT!m3 in general (it’s a pretty strong division).  I think they are my dark horse pick to do some damage in the division.  That’s not really based on anything.  None of this is really.  None of this really matters.

3: Instant Karma (formerly La Famiglia/Tuques)
Last Season: $h0wT!m3 Division, 12-5-1
Most apt NHL team comparison: Winnipeg Jets (franchise name change, white uniforms)

IK/Tuques/Famiglia/whatever was always one of those teams that I felt like could win any game they played.  I only played against them once and reffed them a couple of times but they have a lot of people on the roster who do hockey things on a regular basis, like cycle the puck and establish a forecheck and block passing lanes on defense.  Because of that, I have them solidly in number 3 here.

I guess where the Jets comparison fails is that IK actually has a bonafide star (Denis Miciletto), whereas Winnipeg doesn’t.  IK has a good supporting cast, too, though.  Maybe the strength of the rebrand will push them deeper into the playoffs this season.

2: Happy Little Elves
Last Season: $h0wT!m3 Division, 12-6-0
Most apt NHL team comparison: Boston Bruins (tallest player, love-em-or-hate-em bunch, chippy, in-your-face game)

Another storied franchise that has carried the burden of expectations just short of the goal line in recent years.  The Elves’ swagger is propelled by their team talent, but also largely on their recent title a few years back.  However, BTSH is a game of what-have-you-done-for-me-lately, and sure enough, blowing out teams in the regular season isn’t going to cut it if you don’t make it happen in the postseason.  

The usual suspects are all here.  New Trevor has probably earned the right to be Old Jonathan at some point since he’s no longer a rook.  Adela is still my fourth-favorite female player in the league and I am going to miss reffing her.  Glanzer won’t score a goal but will learn about advanced statistics and spend the season telling everyone how goals don’t matter because his score-close Fenwick is through the roof and his subpar PDO will eventually regress to the mean.

I also saw that Emily and Trevor are engaged, so congrats for that.  Word is that Glanzer plans to make her a healthy scratch at her wedding, though. #emilybenched

1: Sky Fighters
Last Season: $h0wT!m3 Divison, 9-6-3
Most apt NHL team comparison: Washington Capitals (Eastern European franchise savior, dynamic duo on offense)

The Sky Fighters were quietly one of the most dominant teams in the second half of last season, and most of it had to do with the addition of the pride and joy of Latvia, Roman Teytelbaum.  He managed to make his way into the top-ten goalscorers even though I’m pretty sure he started playing about halfway through the season.  I might be wrong but it makes for a better story if I’m right.

I also have always really liked the Sky Fighters.  Dan Hopper is one of my favorite BTSHers and they have the coolest uniforms in the league.  To me, that’s good enough for numero uno in the $h0w’.   Olivier is probably the Backstrom to Roman’s Ovechkin, even though Olivier had more goals on the season last year.  The analogy makes more sense if Roman is Ovie.  (In before “racist”).