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2015 BTSH Royal Rumble (Part 1)

Rumble

Welcome to the first ever BTSH Royal Rumble!!!  Here’s how it works…40* members of the #BTSHUniverse (two from each team) will compete in this match, in which the object is to eliminate your opponents by throwing them over the top rope.  We will start with two randomly selected competitors, and every two minutes, another randomly selected combatant will enter the match.  The last person standing in the ring is the winner.  And, of course, to make sure everybody plays by the rules, and things are on the up and up, Mega Touch’s Alex Eben Meyer and the Dark Rainbows’ Aaron Friedman will officiate the match.

*Due to some finagling by the Mathematics (namely that half this article is being written by one of them), Rebecca Norris has been entered as the 41st participant.

***First Entrant: Jonathan Brügger, Happy Little Elves***

***Second Entrant: Tim Brown, LBS, Inc.***

No way this guy is winning.

There’s no way this guy is winning.

The first two competitors stare each other down from across the ring and contemplate the monumental task they each face.  As the first entries in the 2015 BTSH Royal Rumble, they will literally have to outlast 40 other competitors if they want to win.  With the gravity of the situation now understood, the bell finally rings, and the match is underway.  Brügger immediately picks up his much lighter opponent and tosses him over the top rope.

***Tim Brown is eliminated***

Brügger grabs a nearby microphone and shouts to the crowd, “I’m here for just one reason: to make sure an Elf wins this thing.  I don’t care if it’s me or Richie, but one of us is going all the way.  That’s a promise.”

***Third Entrant: Alok, Mega Touch***

Alok saunters down to the ring with a lot of bravado, but Brügger seems unfazed. He drops the microphone and starts to pound on Alok as soon as he steps between the ropes.  Alok finally blocks one of Brügger’s roundhouse punches and fires back with a flurry of his own.  He sets Brügger up in the corner and comes charging at him full steam.  However, at the last moment, Brügger ducks down and hip checks Alok over the top rope.

***Alok is eliminated***

Brügger again grabs the microphone and speaks, “What did I just say?  No one is taking down the Elves!  No one!  Send out whoever you want.  It doesn’t matter.”

***Fourth Entrant: Bryan Welch, Rehabs***

Welch approaches the ring to a loud chorus of boos from the majority of the crowd (although a few “Reeeeeehaaaaabs” chants can also be heard…possibly from Stacy Kehoe).  Bryan steps over the top rope and immediately gets the upper hand.  It seems like he will outlast Tim and Alok, as he is very adept at using his long reach to his advantage.  However, Bryan gets a little cocky, and Brügger seizes his opening.  He lands a perfect drop kick on his taller opponent, causing Welch to stumble backwards and out of the ring.

***Bryan Welch is eliminated***

One more time, Brügger grabs the microphone and shouts, “Get it through your heads, people.  No one is stopping the Elves!  Don’t even bother!”

***Fifth Entrant: Olivier Brassard, Sky Fighters***

Olivier.

Olivier.

Olivier struts to the ring waving an oversized Canadian flag in the crowds’ faces, prompting everyone to boo and curse at him.  He shouts back at them at how weak America is, and how Canada is much better.  As he enters the ring, he starts shouting his catchphrase, “SUA! SUA!” which only incites the crowd further.  Finally, he and  Brügger stand face to face in the middle of the ring and go at it.  As the two pound on each other, the crowd starts to chant, “USA!  USA!” in support of Brügger.  He seems to feed off of the fans’ energy, but Olivier won’t back down.

***Sixth Entrant: Cherie Stewart, Butchers***

Olivier was the first competitor to survive the full two minutes against Brügger, which gives us a three-way dance when Cherie enters the ring.  Cherie immediately seems conflicted, as she sees Brügger as the bigger threat, but she is also a patriot at heart and knows Olivier must be taken out.  She joins forces with Brügger, and the two of them start kicking a fallen Olivier.

Wants nothing to do with the Canadians.

Wants nothing to do with Canadians.

***Seventh Entrant: Marisa Cohen, What The Puck***

Marisa enters the ring cautiously and stands back as Brügger, Olivier, and Cherie continue to pummel each other.  The Americans continue their quest to eliminate Olivier, but he wraps himself around the bottom rope and refuses to let go.

***Eight Entrant: Jo-Ann Provencher, Poutine Machine***

Much like Olivier, Jo-Ann swaggers to the ring brandishing a large Canadian flag.  She immediately makes her allegiance to the Sky Fighter well known by continuing his “SUA! SUA!” chant.  The fans jeer the anti-American, resulting in a barrage of French profanity from Jo-Ann.  She gets in the ring just as Olivier is about to be dumped over the top rope and makes the save.  With Olivier and Jo-Ann now working as a team, the two start to take over the match.

***Ninth Entrant: Caroline Morrissey-Bickerton, Gouging Anklebiters***

Don't f*ck with Caroline.

Don’t f*ck with Caroline.

CMB runs to the ring, ready to lend a hand to the American faction.  However, Olivier and Jo-Ann work too well together, and even CMB can’t help take them down.  Once again, no one is eliminated before the next entrant comes down.

***Tenth Entrant: Jennifer Popack, Denim Demons***

As a Demon, it seems like Jenn is receiving nearly as many boos as the Canadians.  Of course, she’s used to the negative reaction and incites the crowd to continue.  It seems like Jenn will join forces with the Americans, but by now, the Canadians have knocked most of the American faction down to the mat.  Will the Canadians continue their dominance, or can the Americans stage a comeback against the evil foreigners?

Tune in tomorrow for Part 2!

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