Color: White
Year Founded: 2002
2011 Regular Season Finish: 11-5-0-1(2nd, Hackett Division; 4th overall)
2011 Playoff Result: Lost to Dark Rainbows in round of 16
Conference: Tagliarano
Division: Brown
Team Song: “Ice, Ice, Baby” – Vanilla Ice

Roster

Sascha Owen (captain)
Fernando Limonic
Karen Erickson
Alexandra Chenitz
Anne Grady
Angela Upton
Brian Barrett
Dustin Shutes
Erica Lee
Jason Bogdaneris
Karsten Pichon
Ken Poulin
Lawrence Goldstein
Samuel Anthony
Sasha Lehman
Seth Wachtell (goalie)
Tommy Capatosta

Like their younger counterparts, the Butchers and Poutine Machine, Lbs. are showing admirable roster stability this year. But unlike those other teams, the Lbs. are not a lovable crew of misfits coming together to create something bigger than themselves. On the contrary, they’re more exclusive than Skull & Bones.

If this were The Mighty Ducks 3 they would be the Varsity Squad. If this was a John Hughes film, they’d have the James Spader role. If this was Titanic they’d be Billy Zane.

Yes, you can judge a book by it’s cover when it comes to this team.

And what message does white polo shirts with currency symbols send to you?

They are the 1%.

That doesn’t mean they haven’t earned their success. Classic couple, Karsten Pichon and Ken Poulin, the Brandon Walsh and Steve Sanders of BTSH remain a potent scoring threat, Sam Anthony is still one of the league’s most underrated defensemen (PR tip – speaking more than 10 words in a game may help you get more attention, Sam), and Seth Wachtell has proven that you don’t need to have blonde hair and blue eyes to become a BTSH ladies favorite (take that, Dan Owens).

But seriously guys, it’s 2012. Obama is President. Would it kill you to add a little more diversity to the lineup? It’s not just the color of your uniforms that’s seriously white. This team is the hockey equivalent of wonder bread and mayo and having Ken Poulin swear at referees in his incomprehensible French-Canadian dialect won’t convince anyone that you’re not waspier than Mitt Romney at the Westminister Dog Show.

Times are changing and a growing populist movement in BTSH may force this team to change as well. In the meantime, debuting those new platinum tipped stickblades is probably a bad idea, Sascha. Nobody want to see “Occupy Lbs.” become a thing.

Lbs. play in the highly competitive Brown Division and while they may not be fans of equality, every team in their group matches up nicely against them talentwise. For Lbs. to improve on last year’s stellar record, it’s going to be all about attendance in the key summer stretch. If Owen can get her team to take the early Jitney back from the Hamptons, Lbs. are the favorites to win their division. If not, expect them to play just well enough to avoid relegation to the decidedly more working class Larsen Division.

Either way, there’s no doubt that when the playoffs come, Lbs. will once again be a team that contends while generating next to no fan support from anyone not actually related to a team member.

While some may think they’re cruel, we need to remember what movies have taught us. Popular, good looking kids are only mean to other people because they have parents who ignore them or who have been married too many times. If you just give them a chance, they will turn in to good people and give you the money you need to save your grandmother’s house/restaurant/bakery/farm.

So if you really want to see “change you can believe in” for BTSH, don’t just sign one of the many petitions Greg Allman is planning on circulating this year.

Hug a Lb.

Entity They Most Resemble According to Rich Glanzer

Entity: Donald Trump