by Arya Stark
The field is oficially set for the Rain Day Tourney, aka the 1st Annual John Walker Invitational tournament. Games will begin at 12:00 sharp although all are welcome to come early and help set up (in future news, no one showed up early). Games will consist of two 20 minute halves; BTSH-style running time and BTSH-style rules. Games will begin PROMPTLY at the designated time, regardless of who is out there so please be there on time or risk the wrath of your captain and your Sultan. If anyone is interested in volunteering to ref any of the games please let us know ASAP. The pay is zero and it’s unlikely anyone will thank you for your service, but we will appreciate it nonetheless.
Standings & Tiebreakers
Standings will be determined the same way as the Ocean City tournament:
1) Two points are awarded to the team scoring the most goals in each half.
2) One point is awarded to both teams if each score the same number of goals in a half.
3) Two points are also awarded to the team winning the overall match.
4) If the match ends in a tie, each team is awarded one point.
5) An additional point will be awarded for shutting out an opponent in a match (not half).
So, there are six points to be awarded in each game, plus a potential bonus point in the event of a shutout. If two or more teams are tied in the standings, the following tiebreakers will be used in the following order:
1) Winner of the most head-to-head matches between teams tied in the standings.
2) Most match wins.
3) Highest goal differential.
4) Least goals against.
5) Coin toss conducted by JW, or Alex, or Zac, or Justin, but certainly not by Rich.
The schedule was painstakingly devised over the course of a week. How the creation of a schedule for a free one day tournament can warrant over 200 emails is anyone’s guess, but it is here and it is glorious. Teams were randomly assigned slots and opponents. Here is your official schedule:
12:00 – Tia Tia & Cult Jam v America (WEST)
12:00 – Team Fire Starters v Rebel Scum (EAST)
12:50 – Buzz v Team Boatsex (WEST)
12:50 – Cecil Harambee v BSA Cult Machine (EAST)
1:40 – Rebel Scum v America (WEST)
1:40 – Team Fire Starters v Tia Tia & Cult Jam (EAST)
2:30 – Buzz v BSA Cult Machine (WEST)
2:30 – Cecil Harambee v Team Boatsex (EAST)
3:20 – 4 v 5 Playoff Quarterfinal (WEST)
3:20 – 1 v 8 Playoff Quarterfinal (EAST)
4:10 – 2 v 7 Playoff Quarterfinal (WEST)
4:10 – 3 v 6 Playoff Quarterfinal (EAST)
5:00 – Playoff Semifinal (WEST)
5:00 – Playoff Semifinal (EAST)
6:00 – Championship (WEST)
6:00 – Third Place Game (EAST)
Afterwards there will be a trophy presentation at nearby bar with a high likelihood of adult language and strong sexual content.
Teams were selected on the evening of Thursday, September 14 at approximately 9:00 EST. As per Justin M’s decree, two separate drafts were held: one for men and one for women. An anonymous diary was found at the scene, covered in whisky and tears, as with all artifacts recovered from Fish Market.
8:09 – Leaving hockey scrimmage. Meet Zac H’s parents. What beautiful people.
Walk by Fish Market. Cro demands to go inside. It’s the least shocking thing Cro has done since he went to the CVS at OC to buy cups and mixers and came back with the American flag
8:16 – Cro goes to Fish Market. Says he will text me because he wants to hang out later. Translation: he wants to hit my vape pen.
8:20 – Walking home ready to do this draft. I’m glad I can stop receiving an average of 70-80 emails per day about it. Maybe I should check my phone though…
8:22 – Oh, in the 90 minutes I was playing hockey, I received an additional 27 emails about this draft and I just got three more in rapid succession from JW.
8:23 – Make that six more.
8:29 – Ok, one of these emails is actually announcing a blockbuster trade that just went down on the draft floor. Glanzer has traded his first round pick (#5 overall) and his third round pick (#21 overall) for Justin’s #1 overall pick and his #49 overall pick. I wonder if this had anything to do with Gabe registering 40 minutes before registration closed…
Glanzer tells me he is still deciding who to take with the #1 overall pick. He receives the appropriate response
8:59 – Conference call is underway; draft is about to start.
9:00 – In the most anti-climactic announcement since Charlie Sheen announced he has an STD, Rich takes Gabe with the #1 pick. This is not-unexpected; Gabe is a former league scoring champion whose transition to defense moved Fresh Kills to just one concussion short of an undefeated season.
9:01 – With the #2 overall pick, Tia opts to solidify her back-end. Not in the Kim Kardashian way, but by selecting a goalie, Tim K. Murmurs of shock on the conference call as goalies were widely projected to start going at the end of the first. Tia will either be hailed as a visionary or accused of jumping the gun on this one.
9:03 – Eli is ecstatic to pick up Ariel, who earlier in the day was the consensus #1 pick, at the 3 spot.
9:04 – Zac has the #4 pick but due to the rules of this draft has to use that pick on himself. Hogg lobbies that he shouldn’t really be a first rounder but all those times he outlined all the goals that were taken away from him this season, on top of the 16 that were counted, come back to bite him in the ass.
9:05 – At pick #5, acquired from Sultan in the aforementioned blockbuster, Justin selects John Walker. JW is super excited to be a top draft pick and franchise defenseman because it’s an awesome compliment and also because it means he will probably get a ton of playing time.
9:07 – Isaac “Media Baron” Stewart is positively ecstatic to land Will G at the 6 spot, but less excited when he learns Will is merely an excellent hockey player and not the star of his favorite movie Stepbrothers.
9:08 – Alex, in keeping with his own Asian heritage, uses the #7 pick on elite athlete Bill L as his offensive cornerstone. Said Alex, “we are going for a team built on speed, hustle and the strong work ethic prized by the Asian culture. Also, Cro has been hitting my vape pen and shouting ‘take Bill’ for over 15 minutes. When has listening to that guy ever led anyone wrong?”
9:10 – Julie K is at the turn and uses back to back picks on Olivier and Scotty K. Somewhere in Brooklyn, a noise complaint is filed because of an unidentified man in a Blink 182 shirt screaming references to fellatio.
9:14 – At pick #12 Glanzer goes off the board and savvily selects up-and-comer Avery E of the LBS. Alex begins to openly weep and threatens to draft Rich’s mom as retribution (luckily a trade was consummated after the draft so Lois doesn’t have to play in this ridiculous tournament).
9:17 – Eli decides that between him and Ariel, his team definitely needs to get older and selects the ageless wonder Karsten P of the LBS, a Messier-like presence on the bench and BTSH’s all time leading goal scorer (how this is not more widely known is a mystery to me). The tentative plan for Sunday morning is to meet up at 5:30 for the early bird special and discuss which of them voted for Walter Mondale.
9:21 – At pick #21 Zac “Ball” Hogg goes off the board with Brad P, stalwart defenseman for the Demons. Comments on the conference call range from “great pick” to “who the hell is that” to “I think that’s the guy with the imaginary wife” (editor’s note: accurate).
9:26 – Glanzer selects Cro at #28, ensuring that their team will no doubt be the most well-liked and least controversial in the tournament.
9:29 – The run on goalies begins as Eli decides the ideal guy between the pipes on the back-end should be a guy who likes to lay pipe to back-ends himself and selects Mike Z with pick #30. Somewhere in the Financial District, Alex is frantically trying to figure out who will supply his team with goaltending and with drugs.
9:30 – Tia takes Jerome at pick 31. Rich joins Alex in the crying circle.
9:36 – Alex selects Jason ‘Rosie’ for his skill at hockey, his loyalty as a friend, and for the possibility of inspiring in-game speeches like this:
9:39 – The Sultan selects himself in round 6. Everyone agrees this was at least five rounds too early despite the fact that there are only two rounds left in the draft.
9:41 – Rich selects Chadwick and proclaims him “easily the tallest guy in the league.” Other captains quickly check to make sure they are not, in fact, playing in a basketball tournament.
9:43 – Julie selects Jamie to play as a forward. She is quickly informed that if Jamie even looks at goalie equipment during the tournament she will be disqualified and may god have mercy on her soul.
9:45 – Rich informs everyone that Jeff has just texted him that he intends to play in the tournament and Rich wants to draft him. A motion is brought to the floor to have Rich thrown in jail.
9:48 – The female draft commences. Julie selects Tiffany Hagge at #1 and makes a comment about Shortis’ threepeat. Draft is paused for widespread vomiting.
9:49 – Isaac is blurting/shouting out AMBER M! with the #3 pick at the same moment the host is asking for his pick.
9:50 – At pick #5 Zac selects Noelle who could not be reached for comment as she was in the midst of a “brief, relaxing 28 mile jog.”
9:53 – Eli selects Lauren J who, according to JW, “does not like the 80s or the board game Taboo and is therefore dead to me.” Hockey analysts like Darren Dreger and Bob McKenzie agree that this is excellent justification to pan a draft pick.
Hogg drafts Klion who celebrates by shotgunning a beer. In reality she had no idea a draft was even taking place but just happened to be shotgunning
at that very moment.
9:58 – The draft mercifully concludes at just under an hour. Half the participants stay on the call to talk trades and discuss rosters. The other half hang up without even saying goodbye, presumably to go on with their lives.
10:16 – Sultan decides to name his team America. We are all looking forward to his spelling of this one.
And now, without further ado…your official rosters.
Team Fire Starters
Julie K (C)
Jamie B (not allowed to play goal or we riot)
Scott H (G)
Isaac S (C)
Nicky B (G)
Tia Tia & Cult Jam
Tia L (C)
Tim K (G)
Dave GDR (G)
Justin M (C)
John “+/-” Walker
Alex F (C)
Eitan L (G)
BSA Cult Machine
Ball Hogg (C)
Tim B (G)