by Dave GDR

They say the third time is the charm and while that may not be the case given the fact that Basic Beaches (or the team formerly known as The Red Tide) has not won a game in three years of tournament play, this year’s version of Hockey At the Beach turned out to be the best (at least for me personally). To that end, here is knowledge that I gleaned from my third tourney, starting with the car ride I took down with Corlears Hooker’s latest free agent Lee and his lovely better half Brittany.

1. Mormons wear something that we infidels refer to as magic underwear. Anyone who is familiar with Book of Mormon, South Park or ever watched a rerun of the Donnie and Marie Show knows this. What you might not know is that these wondrous garments are made by little old ladies who volunteer their time and members of the LDS pay cost for these two-piece fashions, which comes out to $1 for the bottoms and about $1.50 for the tops.

2. Anheuser-Busch is the exclusive beer sponsor for every NFL franchise except for four of them—the Chicago Bears, Green Bay Packers, Minnesota Vikings and the Dallas Cowboys. The first three are because Miller Beer has a headquarters in Milwaukee and those are kind of in their regional wheelhouse. The fourth is because Jerry Jones and his ego somehow has an extreme dislike of the Busches.

3. Sam N and Rubens apparently have the market cornered on the kind of one-piece bathing suits that were all the rage in the Gay ‘90s (also known as the Mauve Decade—thank you Wikipedia).

4. I now know who Zac (Ball) Hogg is. He is really good at hockey. He also sports the kind of facial hair that makes me think his day job involves him wearing a wrestling singlet, hoisting square kettle bells on the boardwalk at Coney Island while demonstrating various feats of strength as his brother Phineas looks on.
5. Apparently, Roberts is not the only really good hockey player who comes from his neck of the woods.

6. As great as Ocean City 2017 was this year (and it was), it was somehow a little less rock and roll because of Mike D’s absence along with that of Nicholas B, who did not venture south from the Great White North this time around.

7. Rich Glnzr is a man of his word as he kept a videotaped promise to not have he or his cohorts on Cecil Harambe (spelled correctly) inflict harm on myself, Lee or Sheena. For some reason, Alok was left off this list.

8. Scott K of Lbs., (who twisted his ankle in the later playoff rounds but rallied back), does in fact own another shirt besides his Blink-182 concert t-shirt. Not unlike Glanzer, going sleeveless is a prerequisite as is his ability to wear a garment that has no sides on it either.

9. Hector “Showtime” Melendez finally came down to Ocean City and somehow he managed to stay on one team. That said, his Tinder profile picture got less than favorable feedback at Seacrets.

10. And speaking of Seacrets, BSA almost didn’t get in one time because he had the temerity to try and roll up on the bouncer while wearing a white v-neck.