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Week 14 News and Notes

Who On Your Team Went To Tompkins?

Although BTSH is now in its second year of playing at Tompkins Square Park, the league returned to Corlears Hook Park this past Sunday for one final afternoon of hockey and good cheer at its old stomping grounds. The festivities, however, did not end on the sloped and cracked playing surfaces near Jackson and Cherry Streets. After the games, all league members were invited to relive old memories with another Johnson’s Olympics.

At Corlears
For some of the more veteran players of BTSH, playing one final game at Corlears was a terrific treat to recapture the nostalgia of the “Golden Age” of the league.  Others, however, were shocked and appalled at the conditions of the league’s former home.  Regardless of one’s opinion, everyone was happy about the addition of a vertiable smorgasbord of food and drink at courtside.  Highlights of this appetizing spread included the Anklebiters’ famous Booze Berries, Jeremy “The Foot” Schumacher’s deep fried mac and cheese, and Peaches’ mixed drinks with unknown ingredients.  This, of course, was just the beginning, as “ring girls” reminded league members of the Johnson’s Olympics that evening.  As a brief piece of trivia, the final game ever at Corlears Hook Park was the Mathematics’ 4-3 win over the Tompkins Square Riots.

Pool Tourney
The first event of the Johnson’s Olympics was the traditional pool tournament.  Sixteen league members competed in a single-elimination bracket with one champion, Eric “El Guapo” DiPierri of the Elves, emerging.  The competition continued for most of the night in the back of the Johnson’s, even as other events took center stage near the bar.  The tournament may have gone on a tad longer than was expected, as there was a lengthy delay while DiPierri and Harvey Jaswal of Mega Touch debated whether to use American or Canadian pool rules, as Jaswal was not familiar with the former.

Arm Wrestling
Multiple competitors also vied for the title of Arm Wrestling Champion.  However, when the dust cleared, two combatants rose above the rest.  For the women, the Anklebiters’ Amy Kovner retained her title as BTSH’s strongest female, while Scott of Gut Rot was the new men’s champion.  The two also competed in a battle of the sexes exhibition bout, with Kovner notching the win for her gender, albeit with some alleged assistance.

Flip Cup
With most of the other events focusing on individuals, the Flip Cup relay was a chance for three teammates to compete together.  In the finals, the Gouging Anklebiters proved their drinking prowess yet again with a convincing victory over the Happy Little Elves.  However, the Elves’ loss may be largely attributed to Flip Cup coach Rich Glanzer, who made the questionable decision to bench Chris Adrahtas for the finals, even though he had participated in all of the previous rounds.  Glanzer noted, “I am to flip cup coaching, as Ben Chadwick is to hockey coaching.”

Ellery Slap and Pour Silent Auction For Charity
Though not an official event, a silent auction was held for the right to slap Ellery “The Nature Boy” Gillette in the face and pour beer on his head.  By the end of the evening, $150 was rasied for charity, and Gillette was slapped thrice and had multiple beers poured on him.

Bar Napkin Love Poem Contest
Love was in the air, as league members showed their softer side through their creative writing in a poetry contest.  Five writers presented unique, humorous, and insightful pieces to the adoration of the crowd.  In addition, Rich Glanzer and his second-grade level haiku were soundly booed.  In a tight competition, the crowd selected Patrick “Sven” Larsen’s poem as the best.  The Poutine Machine captain’s submission included numerous BTSH references such as beating the Demons, Eric “El Guapo” DiPierri’s slapshot, Ellery “The Nature Boy” Gillette’s pattern of speech, and Bob W’s rules.

Phallic Fluffer Eating Contest
After years of a simple hot dog eating contest, BTSH upped the ante this year with a phallic fluffer theme.  Contestants had to eat two meatballs and a raw hot dog, and down a shot of Bailey’s topped with whipped cream.  With previous eating champion Dan “D.O.” Owens (Filthy Gorgeous) declining to participate, the field (which included btsh.org’s own Hockey Night in Tompkins Correspondent Jesse Kalb) was wide open.  In the end, Danny Polinsky of the Denim Demons narrowly defeated teammate “Hacksaw” Jim Dandeneau.

Sharif Corinaldi Memorial Hot Legs Competition
The final event of the evening was the highly anticipated Hot Legs Competition.  With the elite club of previous champions including Sharif “The Chocolate Buzzsaw” Corinaldi, Minkus, and Jason “The Hamburglar” Rosenstock, this was clearly the most prestigious showcase of the Olympics.  While several souls were brave enough to partake, two stood alone as the clear cut finalists: the Butchers’ Ellen M. and the Mathematics’ Mike Smith.  Ellen dazzled the crowd with her renowned golden hot pants, while Smith’s white underoos drove the ladies wild.  In the end, the hot pants won out, and Ellen was crowned as the first ever female champion.  Naturally, bartender Brent Smith presented her with the first place cupcake (not Mike Bartlett).

Dirty Laundry

Written by fashion correspondent Abigail “Tayne” Meisterman

What Cobra Kai doesn’t know is that its team name is one of my favorites in the league. One may think I have a massive crush on Ralph Macchio, to whom fellow Denim Demon Mike Pereira bears a striking resemblance. But really, much like how it is for Barney Stinson, it’s my love of William Zabka that helps The Dojo in my estimation. The team’s slavish devotion to the 1984 hit movie warms the cockles of my heart. When I was told the team’s summer/alternate jerseys featured dojo-master John Kreese’s karategi emblem (a striking fist) on a stark white shirt, I was so impressed I pledged my love to Will Kuhns by performing an intricate fan dance with accompanying song. While I was fond of the original jerseys (the camo background, a nod to Kreese’s army days and a cobra for, um, the name Cobra Kai), I appreciate the decision to use a white, possibly dry-fit shirt to survive playing in what has been a very hot and sultry summer. Sultry…like The Next Karate Kid.

Note: Should Adam Rubens ever retire from captaining the Demons, I fully intend to take over and rename the team Wyld Stallyns.

Note 2: References to The Karate Kid III and The Karate Kid (2010) were excluded on purpose.

Note 3: Although, because of that third Karate Kid movie, I cannot watch the cave scene in Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince without wondering if they’re looking for a tree from which to create a bonsai.

Note 4: Jackie Chan is no Pat Morita.

Note 5: I referenced them, didn’t I? Oh yes…Yes, I did.

Know Your Neighbor

Name: Joe Lops
Team: Mega Touch
(Kellerman’s) Suggested Nickname: Moose Leather
Rejected Nicknames: The Maine Event, Loppy, Guido, Lopster, J-Lops From the Block
Origin: South Portland, ME
College: University of Southern Maine; University of Westminster (England)
Early Accomplishments: According to Lops family legend, at age three, Joe was able to consume three lobsters in one sitting.
Current Accomplishments: He recently got engaged while vacationing in Italy.
First Job: Working as a fluffer for a production company that specializes in lobster porn
Current Job: Digital Production Manager at W.W. Norton & Company
Hero: A tie between Tom Waits and Mike Tuckman
Reason to Love Him: He can grow a beard in five hours.
Reason to Hate Him: Due to his refusal to wash his head and wrist bands for good luck, Joe frequently emits an unpleasant odor.
Best Known For: He’ll always come out for “just one.”
Fast Fact: While courting his future fiancée Beth, Joe would wear V-neck shirts to dazzle her with his alarming amount of chest hair, while serenading her with love songs on his guitar.
Favorite Things: Fuzz Factory guitar pedals, mussels, The Big Lebowski, wolf t-shirts
Favorite Food Enhancer: Salt
Least Favorite Things: Washing dishes, the Atlantic Yards proposal, shaving, multiple syllables
Hockey Comparison: Stephen Weiss
Non-Hockey Comparison: Jon Hamm
Things The Media Will Continue to Overhype About Him: His impeccable physique, especially his calves
Down the Road: Irked by teammate Alex “Coop” Eben Meyer’s constant bragging about his fast gunslinging abilities, Joe challenges Coop to a duel.  The two agree to meet at high noon at Tompkins Square Park prior to the start of games.  However, before either can draw his pistol, former Mega Touch captain Eric Devlin runs on to the court and implores, “Wait, why are you doing this?”  Since neither can think of a good answer, they call of the battle and head to Mike Tuckman’s roof for drinks.

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