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THEY TRIED TO MAKE ME TO GO REHABS; I SAID NO, NO, NO

Experienced journalist, Ms. Ophelia Baulls, is back with another expose on the modern BTSH Lady. We hope you enjoy the feature.

By Ophelia Baulls
Photos by Fonda Cox

I was in the bathtub with some quaaludes and Epsom salt when the BTSH ladies called in quite the state. It took me a few minutes to wade through the hysteria, but on the other side, I realized that there was yet another deep dive to be done. In the quest for love and intimacy (something every woman needs even more than a bidet), the women realized that they had all been carelessly cast aside. But whatā€™s even more intriguing, they were cast aside by the same philanderer.

Apparently, thereā€™s the ideal of a perfect woman motivating this guy to churn through ladies faster than my mother through a case of chardonnay ā€“ weā€™ll call him Johnny Rehab to protect his anonymity. But he reportedly wears only a black shirt, with a red logo, and his standard is almost unachievable. Before I say anymore, Iā€™ll let the story unfold in the words of the victims.

Amber

Amber

Amber Dawn: Oh, hā€™ok. Yeah. Swipe left now motherfucker? Wish youā€™d done that 8 months ago inside of swiping straight ahead with your goddamn crayon sizedā€¦

Ophelia: Okay Iā€™m sensing a lot of emotion here, Amber.

Amber Dawn: AMBER DAWN

Ophelia: Yes, sorry. You really were taken in by Johnny, it seems. Iā€™m sympathetic to the delicate state you now find yourself inā€¦

Amber Dawn: I canā€™t really talk about it yet, I just hope that — when Crystal Jean arrives — she has more sense than her mama.

Ophelia: Weā€™ll leave it there for now. Youā€™re in our prayers.

Amber Dawn: Whatever

Channing

Channing

Ophelia: Channing, you come from good stock. Iā€™ll get right to it – how on earth did you fall for this guy?

Channing: Life was a bowl of cherries, Ophelia, until Johnny tarnished my sterling silver world. Ā He was so perfect I thought he would blend right into the family mural. I led a blue ribbon existence, Iā€™m a pedigree, no one has ever turned down this bloodline. I had my breasts INSURED for fuckā€™s sake. My shoes cost more than your parentsā€™ house. I DECIDE. I swipe left on YOU motherfucker, you piece ofā€¦piece of…

Ophelia: Channing? Channing?! Someone call a medic sheā€™s out.

Sloane

Sloane

Ophelia: Sloane, tell m….

Sloane: YOU think I had fucking time for this? Iā€™M ON TOKYO TIME. I run shit. I finish things. I got the check. My bras close in the front because thatā€™s 10 more seconds of my life I donā€™t have to spend waiting for a man to figure shit out. Do you understand me? He will never work in this town again. Ā Oh, his shit got audited? Thatā€™s weird. Gomen nasai.

Ophelia: You were upset, itā€™s okay to feel…well, alright, Sloane apparently needed to head out and has exited through the ground floor window. It was closed. She seems ok from what I can tell.

Sloane: [distant shout] FINE...just scratches. Not a bleeder.

Rayanne

Rayanne

Rayanne: I can be kind of a bad bitch. I know that. I get straight to the point, and I take my shot. He didnā€™t leave me, I left him, but I had no choice.

Ophelia: Do I detect a bit of hurt under that steely facade, Rayanne? You know, Deepak Chopra says your weaknesses can end up being strengths if you embrace them.

ā€¦.

Ophelia: …Rayanne can you hear me?

Rayanne: Mmmm yes, sorry, I fell asleep with my eyes open. The lithium does that to me sometimes.

Cindi

Cindi

Ophelia: Cindi, Iā€™m not going to mince words. This isnā€™t the easiest set of interviews Iā€™ve conducted. Please just go ahead and tell me your story, and try to stay calm.

Cindi: I thought God was my co-pilot and had led me to my perfect Tinder match. But when we got together, he – Johnny – kept asking how I felt about full body contact, and driving into the crease. He asked if he could pass behind the net, and thatā€™s when I started to seem like this relationship was going to be a ā€œgive and go.ā€ I guess…I guess it all just started to feel like the first half of Dateline. Lately, Iā€™ve been home with a lot of Haagen-Daaz, Joel Osteen, and this neck massager my sister loves…

Ophelia: That will do.

Unidentified

Unidentified

Ophelia: Maā€™am, I didnā€™t catch your name?

Unidentified match: Wait he SUPERLIKED ME???? Yeahhhhhh. FUCK yeah.

Lulu

Lulu

Ophelia: Hey there Lulā€¦

Lulu: SO we went out to dinner and he didnā€™t want to order dessert first and I was like THAT WAS WEIRD and then we came up to my apartment and he refused to let me be the gumdrop princess in Candy Land and I was like WHAT THE FUDGE and then he asked me about my stickhandling and I was like IS THAT PART OF THE CANDY CANE FOREST but really I started to think maybe my sugarplum was just a sour grape and he can just go pound sand while Iā€¦

Ophelia: Okay, okay I think I have enough information here, and Iā€™m overdue for a colonic and a percocet. I think we can wrap this up with consensus that this Johnny fella is bad news. If itā€™s any comfort, I heard a rumor that he has run out of matches and was struggling for a date a few weekends ago. Lulu, thank you for your time. Ā 

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