THEY TRIED TO MAKE ME TO GO REHABS; I SAID NO, NO, NO
Experienced journalist, Ms. Ophelia Baulls, is back with another expose on the modern BTSH Lady. We hope you enjoy the feature.
By Ophelia Baulls
Photos by Fonda Cox
I was in the bathtub with some quaaludes and Epsom salt when the BTSH ladies called in quite the state. It took me a few minutes to wade through the hysteria, but on the other side, I realized that there was yet another deep dive to be done. In the quest for love and intimacy (something every woman needs even more than a bidet), the women realized that they had all been carelessly cast aside. But whatās even more intriguing, they were cast aside by the same philanderer.
Apparently, thereās the ideal of a perfect woman motivating this guy to churn through ladies faster than my mother through a case of chardonnay ā weāll call him Johnny Rehab to protect his anonymity. But he reportedly wears only a black shirt, with a red logo, and his standard is almost unachievable. Before I say anymore, Iāll let the story unfold in the words of the victims.
Amber Dawn: Oh, hāok. Yeah. Swipe left now motherfucker? Wish youād done that 8 months ago inside of swiping straight ahead with your goddamn crayon sizedā¦
Ophelia: Okay Iām sensing a lot of emotion here, Amber.
Amber Dawn: AMBER DAWN
Ophelia: Yes, sorry. You really were taken in by Johnny, it seems. Iām sympathetic to the delicate state you now find yourself inā¦
Amber Dawn: I canāt really talk about it yet, I just hope that — when Crystal Jean arrives — she has more sense than her mama.
Ophelia: Weāll leave it there for now. Youāre in our prayers.
Amber Dawn: Whatever
Ophelia: Channing, you come from good stock. Iāll get right to it – how on earth did you fall for this guy?
Channing: Life was a bowl of cherries, Ophelia, until Johnny tarnished my sterling silver world. Ā He was so perfect I thought he would blend right into the family mural. I led a blue ribbon existence, Iām a pedigree, no one has ever turned down this bloodline. I had my breasts INSURED for fuckās sake. My shoes cost more than your parentsā house. I DECIDE. I swipe left on YOU motherfucker, you piece ofā¦piece of…
Ophelia: Channing? Channing?! Someone call a medic sheās out.
Ophelia: Sloane, tell m….
Sloane: YOU think I had fucking time for this? IāM ON TOKYO TIME. I run shit. I finish things. I got the check. My bras close in the front because thatās 10 more seconds of my life I donāt have to spend waiting for a man to figure shit out. Do you understand me? He will never work in this town again. Ā Oh, his shit got audited? Thatās weird. Gomen nasai.
Ophelia: You were upset, itās okay to feel…well, alright, Sloane apparently needed to head out and has exited through the ground floor window. It was closed. She seems ok from what I can tell.
Sloane: [distant shout] FINE...just scratches. Not a bleeder.
Rayanne: I can be kind of a bad bitch. I know that. I get straight to the point, and I take my shot. He didnāt leave me, I left him, but I had no choice.
Ophelia: Do I detect a bit of hurt under that steely facade, Rayanne? You know, Deepak Chopra says your weaknesses can end up being strengths if you embrace them.
ā¦.
Ophelia: …Rayanne can you hear me?
Rayanne: Mmmm yes, sorry, I fell asleep with my eyes open. The lithium does that to me sometimes.
Ophelia: Cindi, Iām not going to mince words. This isnāt the easiest set of interviews Iāve conducted. Please just go ahead and tell me your story, and try to stay calm.
Cindi: I thought God was my co-pilot and had led me to my perfect Tinder match. But when we got together, he – Johnny – kept asking how I felt about full body contact, and driving into the crease. He asked if he could pass behind the net, and thatās when I started to seem like this relationship was going to be a āgive and go.ā I guess…I guess it all just started to feel like the first half of Dateline. Lately, Iāve been home with a lot of Haagen-Daaz, Joel Osteen, and this neck massager my sister loves…
Ophelia: That will do.
Ophelia: Maāam, I didnāt catch your name?
Unidentified match: Wait he SUPERLIKED ME???? Yeahhhhhh. FUCK yeah.
Ophelia: Hey there Lulā¦
Lulu: SO we went out to dinner and he didnāt want to order dessert first and I was like THAT WAS WEIRD and then we came up to my apartment and he refused to let me be the gumdrop princess in Candy Land and I was like WHAT THE FUDGE and then he asked me about my stickhandling and I was like IS THAT PART OF THE CANDY CANE FOREST but really I started to think maybe my sugarplum was just a sour grape and he can just go pound sand while Iā¦
Ophelia: Okay, okay I think I have enough information here, and Iām overdue for a colonic and a percocet. I think we can wrap this up with consensus that this Johnny fella is bad news. If itās any comfort, I heard a rumor that he has run out of matches and was struggling for a date a few weekends ago. Lulu, thank you for your time. Ā