Now (S)crappy Free! (Except That)
GAME OF THE WEEK
Unicorns (8-6) vs. Mighty Squirrels (7-3-3)
Location: Corlears South, 3:00 PM
All-Time Series: Unicorns lead 4-1
Game Notes: Although both of these teams now hover in the upper half of the standings, this game has implications far beyond simple wins and losses in BTSH. In addition to the pressure of ending a three game losing streak, Mighty Squirrels captain Rachel “A-Korn” Greene must face one of her fiercest and most devious rivals in this game: Unicorns goalie, Craig “Ug” LaCombe. A known cheater, LaCombe has already been caught several times this season for various league infractions. In May, referee Adam “Legend Killer” Rubens measured his pads and determined that they were several inches above the league standard. In June, referee Bryan “Stork” Welch found a bucket of white paint on LaCombe’s person, as he was trying to expand the crease. Interestingly, due to excessive lobbying by Unicorns captain Christian, LaCombe is yet to face any consequences for these actions. Greene, however, is also known to be quite crafty as she once “inadvertently” gave LaCombe the wrong start time for one of his games. Odds are, she’ll do that again this week. Of course, the anticipation for this heated rivalry may be moot in the end, as Greene may head to the Meadowlands for the Jets’ home opener anyway.
Keys To The Game:
1. Chris, Nelson, and Mark have combined for 31 of the Unicorns’ 47 goals this season. Stopping this triumvirate of scorers will be imperative for the Squirrels.
2. Lost among the Greene-LaCombe hype is the revenge factor that will also motivate former Unicorn Jesse Kalb.
3. Good news for the Squirrels! According to New York fashion week, Earth tones are back in this season. So, they have that going for them…
Eli’s Pick: Mighty Squirrels. Rachel does it for Brett Favre.
Derek’s Pick: Unicorns. Ug will be amped for this game and will help procure another rivalry trophy to go alongside the Unicorns’ (imaginary) Fairy Tale Cup.
Continue reading ‘Week 15 Preview’
Cobra Kai Will Have A Big Problem On Sunday
GAME OF THE WEEK
Mathematics (3-10) vs. Volanto’s Heroes Cobra Kai (3-8-1)
Location: Corlears North, 3:00 PM
All-Time Series: Mathematics lead 4-0
Game Notes: In 2005, these two teams were united as a single “super team” called Henry Motion. However, a difference in playing philosophies caused a rift in the team, as the uber-competitive Sharif “The Chocolate Buzzsaw” Corinaldi and Sarah Coombs founded the Mathematics, and the mild-mannered Peter Oblamski retained control of Henry Motion (later renamed Cobra Kai). Tensions continued when original Cobra Kai members Eli Kazin and Derek Tagliarino defected to the rebel Math team in the middle of the 2007 season. The series reached a fever pitch in last year’s matchup, as the Mathematics beat Cobra Kai 3-2 in overtime, with the hated (and third string) Tagliarino in net. Now, one year later, Cobra Kai is eagerly awaiting this Sunday’s rematch. They have scheduled a pep rally and bonfire for Saturday night, where they plan to burn many mathematics text books.
Keys To The Game:
1. An anonymous source reports that Cobra Kai captain Peter Oblamski has resigned from the team, effective immediately. The team will miss his crafty game planning and inspirational leadership.
2. Jeff “The Hawk” Hawkins scored his first goal for the Mathematics in their last game. With Sharif “The Chocolate Buzzsaw” Corinaldi pursuing an education in California, The Hawk will see a bigger role in the Mathematics’ game plan.
3. In a shrewd mid-season acquisition, the Mathematics have obtained Adriano “Muscles Marinara” Bratta from Cobra Kai, due to an unknown loophole in the BTSH application process (they bribed Bob W). Interestingly, Bratta made a point to note that it will be a tad chilly on Sunday, so he will wear a second t-shirt under his Mathematics jersey.
Continue reading ‘Week 14 Preview’
What The Puck Needs To Rest Up
GAME OF THE WEEK
What The Puck (9-2-0-1) vs. LBS, Inc. (9-2-1)
Location: Moffo, 3:00 PM
All-Time Series: LBS, Inc. leads 7-4
Game Notes: What The Puck and LBS, Inc. currently sit in a tie for second place, only one point behind the Corlears Hookers. Both teams feature similar gameplans, as they each have small rosters comprised almost entirely of stars. Three players on What The Puck (Mike “The X-Factor” Woodsworth, Corey “Chongo” Winters, and Larry “Mad Dog” Zimmer) now have double-digit goals, while Karsten Pichon of LBS, Inc. leads the league with fifteen. In addition, both teams rely on consistent goaltending as a solid base to their explosive offenses. What The Puck’s Roderick “Guy LeDouche” Cruz registered his first shutout of the season last week, while Seth Wachtell of LBS, Inc. has won all three of his starts since being reassigned to the mail room. The winner of this game will be one step closer to locking up a high seed in the playoffs.
Keys To The Game:
1. Despite missing a fair number of games, Darrell “Accurate Bob” Hartman remains one of What The Puck’s top offensive threats, as he now has eight goals on the season…one for each of the stripes on his socks.
2. After serving a five game suspension, the self-proclaimed “cleanest player in BTSH”, Ken “The Alpha Male” Poulin now has eight goals as well. He and his linemate Karsten will look to demonstrate why they were named the media’s Best Duo of 2007
3. What The Puck captain Larry “Mad Dog” Zimmer has put a bounty on the head of former teammate and current LBS, Inc. player, Erica Lee. He explains, “You’re either with us or against us…and if you’re against us, it’s your ass.”
Eli’s Pick: LBS, Inc. They’ve been playing with a lot more focus since they went corporate, which can only be attributed to CEO Sascha Puritz’s “no suspensions” policy of professional conduct.
Derek’s Pick: What The Puck. If they can get full attendance, they can run with anyone. Plus, team cancer Ant “Father Time” Ventolieri will once again be out with a strained white beard, so that can only help them.
Continue reading ‘Week 13 Preview’
This Rivarly Is Brought To You By The Letter S
GAME OF THE WEEK
Rehabs (6-3-1-1) vs. Denim Demons (6-0-2-1)
Location: Corlears South, 5:00 PM
All-Time Series: Rehabs lead 6-4-1
Game Notes: This game represents one of the most storied and bitter rivalries across all of BTSH, as both teams are very open about their dislike for one another. The combative history begins with their original meeting in 1932, when Rehabs captain Sean “Nine Toes” O’Malley scored the game winning goal in octuple overtime in a game featuring more than 100 minutes of penalties. The next series milestone occurred in 1966 when Demons prankster Lisa “Moonbeam” Williams laced the Rehabs pre-game meal with LSD. Tensions boiled over again in 2003, when the Demons changed their color scheme to the Rehabs’ signature Red and Black, from their previous teal and fuchsia. Finally, just last season, when Rehabs schemer Jon Feldman discovered that the Demons were pre-emptively planning a celebratory dinner, he snuck into the team clubhouse (Adam “Legend Killer” Rubens’s apartment) and smashed all of their fine China. This earned him the nickname, “Dinner Plate”. Fireworks are expected this Sunday when the rivalry continues.
Keys To The Game:
1. Rehabs defender Stacy Kehoe’s high school class will be taking a field trip to watch this game on Sunday. She has promised them no homework on Monday if the Rehabs are victorious, so the fan support will be boisterous.
2. Upon further review, it’s summer, so ignore the previous note.
3. But then again, she might teach summer school…see note one.
Eli’s Pick: Rehabs. “Con” Ed Lau turns off the power at the Demons’ hotel, causing most of them to oversleep.
Derek’s Pick: Denim Demons. Micael Holmstrom never sleeps.
Continue reading ‘Week 12 Preview’
Can These Two Stay Undefeated?
GAME OF THE WEEK
Mighty Squirrels (6-0-3) vs. Filthy Gorgeous (7-2-1)
Location: Moffo, 5:00 PM
All-Time Series: Filthy Gorgeous leads 2-1
Game Notes: Both of these teams enter the weekend tied for first place in BTSH, alongside LBS, Inc. and What The Puck. Although Filthy Gorgeous boasts the second highest goal total in the league with forty, they have relied on several different players to account for their scoring. Joseph Pereira currently leads the team with just six goals, while Matt Novick, James Pereira, and Paul “Ashy Larry” Vernon have each contributed five. The Mighty Squirrels’ offense, on the other hand, ranks in the middle of the pack, but their defense is tied for second in goals allowed. Although captain Rachel “A-Korn” Greene’s “back to fundamentals” approach to hockey is a large factor in their new found defensive prowess, much of the credit can go to new goaltender Tommy Mayoros, who has allowed only nine goals in eight games. The winners of this game could find themselves in the unexpected position of first place as the break rapidly approaches.
Keys To The Game:
1. Arthur “Lil Weezy” Revechkis now has six of the Mighty Squirrels’ twenty-four goals. With Revechkis accounting for twenty-five percent of the offense, keeping him in check should be a priority for Filthy.
2. While Filthy Gorgeous goalie Dan Owens’s goals against average is not as sterling as Mayoros’s, he has been just as effective. He is coming off of his first shutout of the season and has not lost a game since week two.
3. Mighty Squirrels superstar defenseman Gary Kowalski has a hearing scheduled with the city of New York on Sunday at 4 PM to discuss seventy-six unpaid parking tickets. Although the meeting is downtown, it is unclear if he will be able to make the game.
Eli’s Pick: Filthy Gorgeous. Monica 1, Sven 0.
Derek’s Pick: Filthy Gorgeous. Offense beats defense, and the Squirrels suffer their first loss of the season.
Continue reading ‘Week 11 Preview’
