The Corlears Hookers Have Two Words For Fresh Kills
#3 Corlears Hookers (16-4) vs. #10 Fresh Kills (11-8-0-1)
Location: Corlears North, 4:00 PM
All-Time Series: Corlears Hookers lead 2-0
2008 Result: Week 6 - Corlears Hookers 4, Fresh Kills 0
Game Notes: For the second consecutive season, the Corlears Hookers have advanced to the championship game. Unlike last year, when the Hookers battled through the playoffs with three one-goal victories en route to the final, they have cruised in 2008. In just three playoff games, they have posted twenty goals, including five apiece for Reilly “Fake Dutch” Olson and Gavin “Dutch’s Brother” Kearney. With only three goals allowed, their defense and goaltending have been extremely impressive as well. As would be expected of a Cinderella team, Fresh Kills has faced a tougher road. Although they clinched a spot in the final with a 3-1 victory over LBS, Inc. last week, their previous two wins came by only one goal, including a double overtime thriller against What The Puck. Their offense has revolved around the Sokolyansky brothers, who have accounted for 50% of their postseason scoring. Fresh Kills, now in their seventh year, have had varying degrees of success in the regular season, but have perennially made a deep run in the playoffs. In their brief stint in BTSH, the Corlears Hookers have been a dominant force, with an overall record of 35-6 and two championship game appearances. Both teams, however, are still searching for their first title. On Sunday, one of them will finally capture BTSH glory.
Keys To The Game For The Corlears Hookers:
1. After shaking off some rust in the first half, goalie Chris Beauvois held Filthy Gorgeous scoreless in the second half of their semifinal matchup. When he is in a rhythm, even the most dangerous of shooters struggle to find the net against him.
2. Although Olson and Kearney have led the team in postseason scoring, Jason Eitel tied for fourth in the league with fifteen regular season goals, despite missing several games with an injury. He will be another dangerous weapon in the Hookers’ already loaded arsenal.
3. It may not be a coincidence that the Hookers have heated up with Brendan “Dutch” Kearney out with an injury. Perhaps with him on the sidelines, the jealousy and backstabbing has finally cooled down.
Keys To The Game For Fresh Kills:
1. Feed off the energy of the fans. BTSH loves an underdog, and the heckle wall will be heavily tilted against the favored Corlears Hookers.
2. With a goals against average of just over one goal per game in the playoffs, goalie Dave Gil de Rubio has quietly had an impressive postseason. He will have to be at the top of his game while facing the Hookers’ snipers.
3. Don’t let Bob “Olmec” Weyersberg shoot…or pass.
Eli’s Pick: Corlears Hookers. Getting shutout in last year’s final should be enough to motivate them for this game.
Derek’s Pick: Corlears Hookers. When the Hookers are at full attendance, Fresh Kills cannot match them player for player.
Craig “Ug” LaCombe’s Pick: Corlears Hookers. Fresh Kills are the Buffalo Bills of BTSH. They will never win it. “Lessy” is a poor man’s Jim Kelly.
Yeah, Fernando, We’re Going To Need You To Come In On Sunday…
#2 LBS, Inc. (15-3-1) vs. #10 Fresh Kills (10-8-0-1)
Location: Corlears South, 4:00 PM
All-Time Series: Fresh Kills leads 9-5
2008 Result: Week 15 - LBS, Inc. 6, Fresh Kills 3
Game Notes: As the #2 seed, LBS, Inc. was supposed to be in this game. They have looked nearly impenetrable throughout the regular season, and their momentum continued into the playoffs. In the opening round, they blanked Mexican Standoff 4-0, despite the absence of star player (and self-proclaimed “cleanest player in the game”) “The Alpha Male” Ken Poulin. They also weathered a spirited challenge from the Unicorns in the quarterfinals, ultimately prevailing in a shootout. As the #10 seed, Fresh Kills is the clear Cinderella story of the playoffs for the second consecutive year. After a mediocre regular season, Fresh Kills turned on the light switch for the postseason. In the opening round, they survived a 1-0 battle against the dangerous Martin “Ocho Cinco” Cejka-led Sky Fighters with gritty play and tenacity. They continued by stunning regular season champion What The Puck the following Sunday. Both LBS, Inc. and Fresh Kills have been cornerstones of the league for several seasons, resulting in a storied and competitive rivalry. Although LBS, Inc. defeated Fresh Kills in their 2008 regular season matchup, Fresh Kills is responsible for eliminating The Corporation from the playoffs in 2007.
Keys To The Game For LBS, Inc.:
1. “Hollywood” Jeff Lesser may be a star in some circles, but “The Alpha Male” Ken Poulin isn’t buying it. He warned, “We’re going to hand Jeff Lessy [sic] his ass implants back to him after the game.” Whether Poulin’s comments actually serve to motivate his team remains to be seen.
2. Karsten Pichon finished second in the regular season with 20 goals and has also added two more in the playoffs. When he is on, LBS, Inc. is tough to beat.
3. Captain Sascha Puritz is always quick to note that Seth Wachtell has been one of BTSH’s top goalies over the past few seasons, despite a limited amount of press. He is the only goalie remaining in the playoffs who has led his team to a championship.
Keys To The Game For Fresh Kills:
1. Alicia Walker returned to the team last week after a brief (and unexcused) hiatus to get married. While she does not score a lot of goals, she has already fit back into her familiar role as one of Fresh Kills’ top playmakers.
2. Dave Sokolyansky will serve as Fresh Kills’ offensive counter-punch to the scoring prowess of Karsten Pichon. Last week, Sokolyansky tallied a hat trick, including the game-winner in double overtime.
3. Don’t let Bob “Olmec” Weyersberg shoot.
Eli’s Pick: LBS, Inc. Every time The Alpha Male has run his mouth, they have followed it up with a win.
Derek’s Pick: LBS, Inc. Fresh Kills’ playoff run makes for a very nice story, but I don’t think it’s in the cards for them to advance another round.
Bad Neighbors?
#3 Corlears Hookers (15-4) vs. #4 Filthy Gorgeous (14-4-1)
Location: Corlears South, 3:00 PM
All-Time Series: Corlears Hookers lead 2-0
2008 Result: Week 2 - Corlears Hookers 3, Filthy Gorgeous 1
Game Notes: Due to the intertwining history of the Corlears Hookers and Filthy Gorgeous, there is no shortage of bad blood between these two teams. Peter “Purple Rain” Putka, Chris Beauvois, and Josh Sadlier-Brown were all members of Filthy Gorgeous in 2006, but left the team the following season to establish the Corlears Hookers. There are a litany of other backstories in this rivalry, but decorum prohibits listing them here. Although their first round win over Cobra Kai was somewhat expected, the Hookers made an emphatic statement last Sunday by defeating the defending champion Dark Rainbows 8-0. With a nearly full roster (whither Dutch?) in attendance for the game, they finally showcased their full talent and potential. While Filthy Gorgeous hasn’t been as dominant as the Hookers offensively in the postseason, the defense has been just as stingy. Goalie Dan Owens and the Filthy D combined to shut out the Denim Demons, and they held the Mathematics to only two goals. Filthy Gorgeous has never beaten the Corlears Hookers, but a close game is expected as each of their two previous meetings was decided by just two goals.
Keys To The Game For The Corlears Hookers:
1. The Corlears Hookers boast what is arguably the best goalie tandem in all of BTSH. Regardless of whether Chris Beauvois or Dustin “Fake Dutch’s Brother” Olson starts for them this week, a shutout is always a distinct possibility.
2. Although their women tend to fly under the radar, they are just as responsible for the Hookers’ deep playoff run as the guys are.
3. Albert “Al” Huang’s aggressive and up-tempo style of play energizes and motivates his teammates, but it has occassionally gotten him into trouble with his opposition and the league’s referees. Al is quick to point out, however, that he could never possibly cheat…because “dudes with glasses just don’t do that”.
Keys To The Game For Filthy Gorgeous:
1. Although star forward James Pereira was held off the scoreboard in the quarterfinals, Filthy still managed to rally behind him to seal the victory. However, as his first round output of five goals indicates, he is still fully capable of taking over a game offensively.
2. Rookie sensation Matt Workman scored Filthy’s only goal in their regular season meeting with the Hookers. He has been a key player for them all season, and they will need another strong performance by him in this game.
3. While Dan Owens has been very solid in goal, and we believe he has a firm lock on the position, Filthy does have an extremely capable backup in Liza Watts. She has already notched a victory in the highly competitive Women’s All-Star Game this season.
Eli’s Pick: Corlears Hookers. Defense wins championships, and they have allowed, by a very sizable margin, the fewest goals in the league (23 goals in 19 games).
Derek’s Pick: Corlears Hookers. Each of the other three semi-finalist teams implored me not to pick them at some point on Sunday, so this is a way to make at least one of them happy.
Mad Dog’s Cooking Up Something
#1 What The Puck (14-3-0-1) vs. #10 Fresh Kills (9-8-0-1)
Location: Moffo, 3:00 PM
All-Time Series: What The Puck leads 7-5-1
2008 Result: Week 10 - What The Puck 4, Fresh Kills 2
Game Notes: These two teams meet in the quarterfinals after taking opposite paths to get there. Regular season champion What The Puck easily dispatched of a shorthanded and exhausted Bad Touch squad via the mercy rule. The team succeeded on both ends of the court as six different players notched a goal, while the defense and goaltender Roderick “Guy LeDouche” Cruz pitched a shutout. It should be noted, however, that team cancer Ant “Father Time” Ventolieri (though active) did not record any statistics. Conversely, Fresh Kills scratched and clawed their way through their game to a narrow one goal victory against a peaking Sky Fighters team. Stalwart defenders Scott Townsend and Bob “Olmec” Weyersberg stymied the fierce onslaught of Sky Fighers attackers Martin “Ocho Cinco” Cejka and Rob Kucera. Fresh Kills will need to repeat this effort in order to upset the highest scoring team in the league.
Eli’s Pick: What The Puck. If they can mercy a team with just one hour to prepare, imagine what Larry “Mad Dog” Zimmer can do with a full week to study his opponent.
Derek’s Pick: What The Puck. They remain the top collection of talent in the league.
LBS, Inc. Looks To Downsize The Unicorns
#2 LBS, Inc. (14-3-1) vs. #9 Unicorns (11-6-0-1)
Location: Moffo, 1:00 PM
All-Time Series: LBS, Inc. leads 7-6
2008 Result: Week 4 - Unicorns 4, LBS, Inc. 1
Game Notes: Both of these teams advanced to the second round after outstanding performances by their respective goalies. Seth Wachtell of LBS, Inc. pitched his first shutout of the season in a sound defeat of Mexican Standoff (who nearly skipped the game to go to the beach). Karsten Pichon scored two goals, despite missing his linemate, the self-proclaimed cleanest player in the game, Ken “The Alpha Male” Poulin. For the Unicorns, Craig “Ug” LaCombe held the Rehabs scoreless, leading his team to a 4-0 victory. In typical Unicorns fashion, four different players tallied a goal for the Yellow. Although the playoff implications for this game are obvious, Poulin has introduced a new element as he has recently started to criticize LaCombe’s pasty white skin, claiming he stole that color from LBS, Inc. LaCombe responded that he was born that way, and if anyone should change, it should be Poulin and his crew.
Eli’s Pick: LBS, Inc. When Poulin speaks, his teammates deliver (see Corlears Hookers/LBS, Inc. regular season matchup).
Derek’s Pick: Unicorns. They have drawn little fanfare and press this season, but the Unis truly have three of the finest scorers in the league in Chris, Mark, and Nelson.
Continue reading ‘Playoff Preview: Quarterfinals’
Can The Demons Finally Lick The Tuques?
#5 Denim Demons (11-3-2-1) vs. #12 Tuques (8-9)
Location: Corlears North, 3:00 PM
All-Time Series: Denim Demons lead 6-1
2008 Result: Week 15 - Tuques 3, Denim Demons 2
Game Notes: For the second straight year, the Denim Demons enter the playoffs as the fifth seed. Although they appeared nearly invincible throughout the first part of the season, they have returned to Earth in the last few weeks. They have now lost three of their last five games, a stretch that began when they lost to the Tuques. Demons captain Adam “Legend Killer” Rubens even remarked that he is actually happy to have a rematch against the Tuques, so the Demons can enact revenge for starting this trend. However, revenge may not come easily. The Tuques are now 8-0 in games where they outscore their opponents. In addition, the 5 vs. 12 game is always a dangerous one for the favorite.
Eli’s Pick: Tuques. An upset would further enhance the best season in team history.
Derek’s Pick: Denim Demons. Rubens is too crafty to lose to the same team twice in one season.
Sean Will Be Better Prepared For This Rematch Than He Was For This Picture
#6 Dark Rainbows (11-5-1) vs. #11 Mighty Squirrels (7-7-3)
Location: Corlears South, 1:00 PM
All-Time Series: Dark Rainbows lead 5-0
2008 Result: Week 13 - Dark Rainbows 3, Mighty Squirrels 1
Game Notes: As the Dark Rainbows look to defend their BTSH Championship, they will meet a familiar foe in the opening round. Although the Rainbows defeated the Squirrels in the 2007 playoffs, the Squirrels were the only team to score a playoff goal against standout goalie Trevor “White Jesus” Tyrrell. During the season, the Rainbows struggled with Tyrrell on the disabled list and star forward John Nielsen joining the Peace Corps for the summer, but both are now back, and the Rainbows are primed for another title run. One could say the Squirrels’ season has had several ups and downs, but that person would be wrong. The Squirrels began the season undefeated through their first ten games and then proceeded to lose their next seven in a row. Whether captain Rachel “A-Korn” Greene can right the ship for the playoffs remains to be seen.
Eli’s Pick: Dark Rainbows. Two of the best goalies in the league face off in what could be the lowest scoring game of the day.
Derek’s Pick: Dark Rainbows. The Squirrels have the heart to take this one, but the Rainbows’ Nielsen and P.T. Walkley will provide too much offense.
Continue reading ‘Playoff Preview: Opening Round (Part III)’