In an attempt to boost overall revenue for the league, new league manager Adriano “Muscles Marinara” Bratta has instituted an aggressive sales plan for BTSH merchandise.  Reports for the first few weeks of the season are now in, and there are already several interesting trends.  Here is a closer look at the top-sellers in both the apparel and non-apparel categories:

Apparel
Jerseys make up the bulk of all apparel sales, accounting for 80% of gross merchandise revenues.  La Famiglia has dominated this category with five of the top 10 selling jerseys, including the #1 seller, that of Shafiq “Off Black” Perry.  Also making the list for the former Tuques are the jerseys of The Peter Wilson at #4, Alfred Liu at #6, Andrea Grande-Capone at #7, and league sweetie Bill Monahan at #10.  The remaining top sellers come from Mega Touch’s Joe Lops at #2, Corlears Hooker Jason Eitel at #3, Happy Little Elf Jenna Cruff at #5, fan favorite Rebecca Antar Novick (Filthy Gorgeous) at #8, and league goon Georgine “Mulva” Paulin (Butchers) at #9.  It should be noted, however, that Eitel’s position on this list is largely due to a bulk order from a “Mrs. Eitel” of West Springfield, MA. 

Retro jersey sales also make up a sizeable percentage of income for BTSH.  The top sellers in this category include the following models:

1. Peter “Ski” Oblamski “Captain’s Edition”, 2006 Henry Motion
2. “Hollywood” Jeff Lesser’s powder blue tank top, 2008 Fresh Kills
3. Sharif “The Chocolate Buzzsaw” Corinaldi’s “+/- Autograph Edition”, 2007 Mathematics
4. Ant “Father Time” Ventolieri “Championship Edition”, 2005 Pork Fried Rice
5. Gina Hackett, 2003 Warriors

Non-Apparel
The league has only just started to sell non-clothing items, with the Dark Rainbows taking the lead in this category.  Their series of die-cast model automobiles has been well received by the buying public.  The complete set features the following:

1. Libby Hartle-Tyrrell’s Pink Cadillac
2. John Meyer’s Harley-Davidson Motorcycle
3. P.T. Walkley’s P.T. Cruiser
4. Sean Reynolds’ Honda Civic
5. John Nielsen’s Ford F-150 Pick-up truck

Adriano Flexes His Muscle

There’s a new “Foot” in town.

Know Your Neighbor

Name: Danny Polinsky
Team: Denim Demons
Suggested Nickname: The Tarheel
Rejected Nicknames: Daniel-San, The Legend Reviver, Bulldog, Sky (pronounced Ski)
Origin: Greensboro, NC
College: University of Georgia
Early Aspirations: To be the next Alexei Lalas
Current Aspirations: To be mentioned on the BTSH website as frequently as possible
First Job: It was at Drug Emporium, and it was very traumatic.
Current Job: Running the Mets website for Major League Baseball
Hero: R.J. Reynolds
Reason to Love Him: His life is a disturbingly close mirror of Ted Mosby of How I Met Your Mother.  And, who doesn’t love Ted Mosby?
Reason to Hate Him: By default, this makes Adam “Legend Killer” Rubens and Abby Meisterman his Marshall and Lily.  Thus, you’ll never be able to watch that show the same way ever again.
Fast Fact: Danny hosts a “Ladies’ Night”, where he, Abby and Lena Moy-Borgen (among other female friends) drink wine and watch Gossip Girl and True Blood.
Favorite Things: Baking, the Counting Crows, Dr. Von Dark’s Tunnel of Terror at Wet ‘n Wild Emerald Pointe, hedges
Favorite Gossip Girl Guest Star: Harmon Walsh
Least Favorite Things: The Georgia Institute of Technology, Rehabs, unleavened bread, hand balls
Best Known For: Losing a lot of weight through the Denim Demons’ mandatory rookie boot camp
Hockey Comparison: Patrick O’Sullivan
Non-Hockey Comparison: Jared from Subway
Down the Road: Danny goes to Red Lobster for some Cheddar Bay Biscuits.  However, he is side-tracked by an offer for unlimited refills on Diet Coke, which he takes as a personal challenge.

With the 2010 season rapidly approaching, we (the BTSH media) would like to provide you, the loyal reader, with a quick update of what’s on tap for the upcoming season.  After all, it has been a while since we have posted anything new, and we are getting eager to start playing.  Thus, this update has absolutely nothing to do with the increasingly high volume of complaints regarding Dr. Byron Clavicle’s guest column still being the lead post on the website.

First, congratulations to BTSH’s new league manager Adriano “Muscles Marinara” Bratta and new DC Manager Haanwa Chau on their recent election to two of the league’s highest posts.  Although we have high expectations for both officials, we do hope that Haanwa is up to the task, as she has some very big shoes to fill.

Second, we would like to remind everyone to check the website frequently in advance of the 2010 season.  We plan on several posts prior to Opening Day, including our annual individual team previews, which are appearing for the third consecutive season. Additionally, due to the retirement of Jeremy “The Foot” Schumacher and the Schuietron 3000, we will be assuming the creation of the 2010 season schedule. To build anticipation, we will release parts of the schedule prior to the entire season docket, beginning with Opening Weekend and Hockey Night in Tompkins.

Finally, we are looking for a few correspondents to assist us in our duties. If you are interested in helping us gather scoring information or writing game previews, or if you have your own idea for a weekly segment in the News and Notes post, please do not hesitate to let us know.

Your Humble Correspondents,
Eli Kazin & Derek Tagliarino

Hopefully, Cobra Kai Doesn’t Have Any Loose Photos Of The Media
For the first time since his free agent signing with What The Puck, former Cobra Kai member Adriano “Muscles Marinara” Bratta took on his former team on Sunday.  Still upset at the 2008 regular season scoring champion for deserting the team, the Kais had some tricks up their sleeves for Bratta.  On the second shift of the game, the Dojo unveiled its “5 Adrianos” formation, consisting of five players all with cutouts of Muscles’ face poorly taped to their chests. Captains Enayet “Retail” Rasul and Greg ”Lysol” Altman even convinced stand-in goalie Minkus to partake in the charade.  Although the mind games worked well enough to hold Bratta to only one goal, What The Puck still won the game 7-3 or 8-3, depending whom you ask.
 

“We’ve been wearing white since this league was initiated!”
Adding another chapter to an already storied rivalry, Mexican Standoff was up to its usual shenanigans against LBS, Inc. during Hockey Night in Tompkins.  As the home team, Peaches’ crew elected to wear its white jersey, despite having a multitude of other options, a decision that forced LBS, Inc. to don atypical dark jerseys for the game.  In addition, Standoff player Ben sported a LBS-like white collared shirt under his Standoff jersey, which only added fuel to the fire.  LBS, Inc. was clearly disoriented in its makeshift uniforms, as the team stumbled out of the gate and allowed Standoff to take an early 1-0 lead.  Corporation member Karsten Pichon noted, “At one point, I passed to the wrong team, because I’m so used to passing to white.”  Although LBS, Inc. eventually came back to win the game, the team remains miffed.

A Special Message from Hector “Jam3$ Joyc3″ Melendez

The Elves did what past teams haven’t been able to do: get a lead and hold on to it against us. This isn’t kissing anyone’s ass, but the Elves gave us a run for our money. I guess, overall, you can call the Happy Little Elves the “$how$topp3r$” from now on. But then again, we do play one more time. Who will win??? You have to wait and see. Hope Nicole gets better, and Randy’s text message after was worth the laugh out loud on my train ride home, as he never texts me.

Know Your Neighbor

Name: Alex Eben Meyer
Team: Mega Touch
Nickname: Coop
Rejected Nicknames: Co-op, The Flying Tomato, Oscar Meyer, Rasputin
Origin: Philadelphia, PA
Hair: Curly
College: Washington University in St. Louis
Early Aspirations: To be a jock who torments nerds
First Job: Security guard at the Liberty Bell
Current Job: Freelance illustrator
Hero: Rocky Balboa
Reason to Love Him: He’s the webmaster for btsh.org.
Reason to Hate Him: Whenever eben.com goes down, btsh.org mysteriously goes with it.
Fast Fact: He claims to have scored a goal by shooting the ball “through” Craig “Ug” LaCombe’s head.
Favorite Things: Martin Biron, cheesesteaks, foul language, bicycles
Favorite Mega Touch Teammate: Joe Lops
Least Favorite Things: Pittsburgh Penguins, haircuts, Santa Claus, pork Best Known For: Winning the Brendan “Flounder” Hay Memorial Award in 2007.
Hockey Comparison: Scott Hartnell
Non-Hockey Comparison: Sideshow Bob
Things the Media Will Continue to Overhype about Him: He’s the fastest gunslinger in the West.
Down the Road: Disenchanted with society’s increasing amount of materialism and ever growing dependence on technology, Coop retires to a simpler life in the Amish Country.  While there, he adapts to the lifestyle quickly and begins to enjoy the 4 AM wakeups, the barnraises, and the 20-hours work days.  However, to satisfy his desire for recreational outlets in his one free hour a day, Coop establishes ESH: Eben Street Hockey.  He captains a team named the Mega Taste, which finishes second to last in the league, only in front of the Moderately Pleased Little Elves.

Now we know the real reason why Adriano joined What The Puck.

Does The Nickname Get Engraved Too? 
With one week remaining in the season, the race for the coveted BTSH scoring title is heating up. Here is a breakdown of the top contenders:

5. Corey “Chongo” Winters, What The Puck (15 goals): Chongo remains a long shot to win this competition as he has a lot of ground to make up, and no individual player has scored more than five goals in a game this season. Although What The Puck’s potent offense is certainly capable of providing him with ample opportunity, the goals usually spread out among all of the team’s talented attackers.

4. Jason Eitel, Corlears Hookers (15 goals): Eitel has missed the Hookers’ last two games with an injury, and his status for the upcoming weekend is still unknown. However, should he be able to play, he will have the benefit of playing a makeup game, in addition to his regularly scheduled one.

3. Karsten Pichon, LBS, Inc. (17 goals): Pichon has the ability to put in three or more goals in any given game, as he has already had a five goal game earlier this season (against the Happy Little Elves). However, he will be closely marked by a staunch Denim Demons defense (try saying that three times fast), in a game that has playoff seeding implications at stake for both teams.

2. Mike “The X-Factor” Woodsworth, What The Puck (18 goals): Obviously similar to teammate Corey “Chongo” Winters, Woodsworth will benefit from What The Puck’s high-scoring offense. However, he will also be hamstrung by the broad distribution of goal scorers in captain Larry “Mad Dog” Zimmer’s arsenal. Nevertheless, Woodsworth always brings a little something extra to the table…some might even say an “X-Factor”.

1. Adriano “Muscles Marinara” Bratta, Cobra Kai (20 goals): Bratta currently has a two goal lead on his nearest competitor, and with two games left to play, he is clearly the odds-on-favorite to collect this honor. Of greater suspense might be his battle with the Happy Little Elves for total goals in a season, which he currently leads by two.

Birthday Wishes

The media would like to acknowledge Mighty Squirrels captain Rachel “A-Korn” Greene, who celebrated her birthday on Sunday. To mark the occasion, the Mighty Squirrels honored her by presenting her with two boxes of delicious donuts and two less than delicious losses. Although most of the team joined A-Korn in the festivities, ass captain Marie Marberg opted for a Tupperware dish full of Swedish meatballs instead.

The media would also like to acknowledge Rehabs defender Meredith Danberg-Ficarelli, who celebrates her twenty-third birthday today (September 23). Although friends and family have been giving her well wishes all week, she will observe the day as she always does: watching a highlight tape of Marty McSorley’s greatest fights.

Guess That Leg

Can you determine whose bloodied and battered leg this is?

Know Your Neighbors

Name: Kevin Foster
Team: Fresh Kills
Nickname: The Planet
Rejected Nicknames: Tiny, Mt. Scoremore, Antoine, -O, The Silver Fox
Origin: Dedham, MA
College: University of Massachusetts-Amherst
Early Aspirations: Catching a Super Bowl winning touchdown pass from Steve Grogan.
Organizations: Red Sox Nation, Fresh Kills Executive Board, The Society in Dedham For Apprehending Horse Thieves
First Job: Maintaining the dams at Mother Brook.
Reason To Love Him: He’s respectful towards women.
Reason To Hate Him: He lost a “Battle of the Sexes” arm-wrestling match to teammate Heidi “The Maple Leaf Muscle” Karst.
Best Known For: His booming shot from the point and one bad knee.
Fast Fact: One time captain of Fresh Kills, “Hollywood” Jeff Lesser, forced Kevin to endure a rigorous tryout before he was offered a roster spot.
Favorite Things: New England Patriots, Sam Adams beer, lavender incense, Autumn foliage, Museum of Bad Art
Favorite Book: Magazines
Favorite Movie: Steel Magnolias
Hockey Comparison: Al Iafrate, for his “all world” talent
Non-Hockey Comparison: Jupiter
Reason The Media Will Continue to Over-hype Him: Because he’s really just a sensitive guy.
Down The Road: After losing several consecutive Nobles/Milton Days, Dedham’s Noble and Greenough School hires Kevin as the new athletic director to “turn the sports program around.”  However, upon his arrival on campus, he opts instead to become the faculty advisor of the Microfinance Club (a club devoted to giving interest free loans to developing nations)…because he’s really just a sensitive guy.
 
Captain’s Commendations:

Cobra Kai: Mariko Nakatani and Becky Pear played the whole game.
Corlears Hookers: The whole team was a defensive gem.
Dark Rainbows: “Jennie Brown is my girlfriend and played a good game.” – Sean Reynolds
Denim Demons (1): Emily Carson filled in on offense when the team needed it.
Denim Demons (2): Gabby Carson overcame a hangover.
Filthy Gorgeous: “I think I played a good game. I had an assist and two shots on net, and yes, I am tooting my own horn for one time this season.” – Monica Russo
Fresh Kills: The defense did a great job of contributing on the offensive end.
Gouging Anklebiters: “Everybody, whatever.” – Phil “Sandy” Donohue
Happy Little Elves: “Shoshana Rudnick played a good game in front of her visiting relations and also genetically engineered a new strain of cactus that can be used as a toilet brush, earning her millions and the undying love of every service station bathroom attendant in the Southwest. She now
lives in Rio Rancho, New Mexico, where she breeds scorpions.” – Ben Chadwick
LBS, Inc.: “Give it to Erica [Lee]!” – Sascha Puritz
Mathematics: Eli Kazin gets the Selke Trophy for the day.
Mexican Standoff: “Amanda [Jenkins] scored a fantastic goal…for the Rehabs.” – Randy Locklair
Mighty Squirrels (1): Tim “(S)crappy” Gray has a cute dog.
Mighty Squirrels (2): “Me, ’cause it’s my birthday.” – Rachel “A-Korn” Greene
Rehabs: Meredith Danberg-Ficarelli celebrates her birthday on Tuesday.
Sky Fighters: “Martin “Ocho Cinco” [Cejka] gets an ‘Ocho Cejka’ for getting ‘Czech-ed’ out of the game.” – Chris “Big Sexy” Shumaker
Tuques: Get well soon to Bill Monahan, who had to leave the game in the second half with a knee injury.
Unicorns: Nelson played in net and rocked it.
What The Puck: Susanna Tenney rocks.