For the second consecutive season, the Weyersberg and Schumacher conferences faced off in the annual BTSH All-Star Game. The Schumacher Conference was out for revenge this year after losing an intense 3-2 matchup last season. To ensure victory, two of the conference’s greatest hockey minds were recruited to coach the Schumacher All-Stars. Unfortunately, Cobra Kai’s Enayet “Retail” Rasul and Poutine Machine’s Jo-Ann Provencher had to back out, and the conference was left with the tandem of La Famiglia’s Shafiq “Off Black” Perry and Mega Touch’s Julie Katz. To make matters worse, the Weyersberg Conference selected the beloved duo of Trevor “T-Beau” Beauclair and Melissa Budnick of the Happy Little Elves as its coaches.

League scoring leader Denis Miciletto (La Famiglia) opened the scoring midway through the first half to give the Fightin’ Foots a 1-0 lead. However, no more than a minute later, Fresh Kills’ Scott Lee–realizing he cannot finish–wisely passed to Dan Hopper (Sky Fighters), who equalized the game at one. In the closing minutes of the first half, Joe Fiore (Tompkins Square Riots) once again put the Schumacher Conference in front after a beautiful feed from Marcus Bonnée (Poutine Machine). Following some inspiring words from Beauclair, the Weyersberg All-Stars came out firing in the second half, and Bob diProspero (Denim Demons) tied the score at two. As the game wound down, familiar faces on both sides of the ball tallied goals once again, as Fiore and Hopper both netted their second of the game. With the score tied 3-3 after a five minute overtime, the 2011 All-Star game was headed to a shootout.

With the first five shooters all unsuccessful in their attempts, the fate of the game rested on the stick of the Anklebiters’ Alex Derhohannesian. As  darkness descended on Tompkins, Derho gave himself a small amount of liquid courage and took aim. Seconds later, he fired the ball into the upper corner of the net to seal the game for his conference and its namesake, Jeremy “The Foot” Schumacher. He commented, “Today was Schuie’s birthday, and I wanted to give him a very special present. Usually, I just get him a gift certificate to a day spa, but this was even better.” Anklebiters captain Phil “Sandy” Donohue added, “I couldn’t be more proud of my teammate.”

Winning coaches Perry and Katz were both thrilled with their performances, even though La Famiglia captain Dave Ladanyi was less than impressed. Ladanyi questioned Perry’s decision not to pull goalie Craig “Ug” LaCombe towards the end of the second half, despite the tie score. He was also insistent that Miciletto would have been a better option for the shootout than Derhohannesian. Ladanyi explained, “You have to go for the throat at the end of the game. You always pull the goalie. Always.  And Denis is the best in the league at shootouts. Has Alex ever converted one?” Ladanyi is not under consideration to coach the All-Star team next season.

Three Stars of the Week

Third Star: Andrew Therriault, Poutine Machine. As Therriault prepares to move to Nashville and say goodbye to BTSH, the media present this star in recognition of his years of dedicated service to the league.  Although Poutine Machine will surely miss his valuable contributions to the league’s top-ranked defense, the fans will look forward to the possibility of more playing time for defender Mike Haas.
Second Star: Peter Lang, Cobra Kai. Potentially aided by a kicky new summer hairdo, Lang put forth not one, but two, stellar efforts in goal.  In his first game, he helped Cobra Kai snap a five-game losing streak, while holding the Tompkins Square Riots to just one goal.  In his second game, Lang held What The Puck scoreless while filling in for the Dark Rainbows.
First Star: Gil Valdes, Happy Little Elves. Valdes continued his mastery over the Sky Fighters, recording two goals and the lone shootout conversion in the Elves’ 5-4 victory. These teams last met in the 2010 semi-finals, when Gil had a similar effort, scoring the game-winning shootout goal and notching the Elves’ only regulation tally.

Shaun deLacy GAA Watch Update

This year, due to a series of stupid bets made by Happy Little Elves goalie Shaun deLacy, the media will track his goals against average over the course of the regular season.

Goals Allowed This Week: 4 (vs. Sky Fighters)
Goals Allowed Previously: 39
Goals Allowed This Season: 43
Games Played: 13
Goals Against Average: 3.31
Next Opponent: Fresh Kills (2.86 goals per game)

Despite earning the win against the Sky Fighters, Shaun still allowed four goals, pushing his season total to 43.  As a result, he has mathematically eliminated any chance of finishing with a GAA under 2.50.  This will be thus be the final installment of the Shaun deLacy Goals Against Watch.  However, to placate Shaun’s massive ego, the media will continue to track his progress in a new feature titled the “Shaun deLacy GAA Update.”

Know Your Neighbor

Written by Tuques beat reporter Rich Glanzer

Name: Eli Kazin
Team: Mathematics
Suggested Nicknames: Elly
Rejected Nicknames: Eli, Kaz-Matsui, Eli-Ja-Woo-Woo-Woo-You Know it
Origin: Pleasantville, NY
College: Tufts University
Quote: “I like Michelle. Sometimes when it’s late at night, and you’re not around, she comes and pats me on my head.”
First Job: Salesman at LensCrafters
Current Job: Senior Media Analyst at Competitrack
Current Accomplishments: Has gone to Cooperstown for the past nine years to watch the ballplayers get inducted into the Hall of Fame
Current Failures: Is not on track to make the BTSH Hall of Fame as a player, though maybe as a media member. (Though he has to pick it up since Derek T. does most of the work)
Hero(es): Derek Tagliarino, Rich Glanzer
Reason to Love Him: He’s Elly! Everyone loves Elly!
Reason to Hate Him: His constant mocking of the Elves drove Ben Chadwick, Rich Glanzer, Sarah T., Hornswoggle, Shaun deLacy, Eric D., Dashing Trevor Beauclair, and newly recruited Heel Jr. to take over the BTSH comment section.
Best Known For: His friendly demeanor, clean cut image, and witty captions
Fast Fact: His captions really aren’t all that witty, but he can bench press 250 pounds [Ed: more, actually], and that is a lot!
Favorite Things: Derek T.  There is nothing else.
Favorite Former Tuque: Just like Diane Johnston, The Great Frank Russo
Least Favorite Things: Cobra Kai, the written part of the SATs, winning BTSH hockey games
Hockey Comparison: Mike Danton
Non-Hockey Comparison: Chris Sabo, Ricky Vaughn, Kurt Rambis, and soon, Marty Jannetty
Things The Media Will Continue to Overhype About Him: He almost has as many career goals as teammate Lilly Preston, who has four in her first season of BTSH.
Down the Road: After toiling with Math for another few seasons, it’s finally revealed by veteran BTSH oddsmaker Jesse Kalb that Elly was the Navy Seal who killed Osama bin Laden. Free of his double life, Elly can now take off his glasses and show the world his true self. While going to see his wife Miley Kazin play a concert at Madison Square Garden, Elly notices a bum begging for a quarter. The bum is wearing a Bratta Mega Touch t-shirt. After haggling the bum to 15 cents, Elly realizes he has unfinished business, and decides to come back to BTSH. Despite it being mid-September, Commissioner $howT!m3 Melendez says Elly can play for Math in the playoffs. Math goes on an incredible run, and beats the seven-time defending champion Poutine Machine, before destroying the Corlears/Tompkins/Bryant/Battery Hookers in the finals. As Derek T. goes to hug Elly, Elly shuns Derek and the rest of his teammates, and tells team Captain Sean “$howJu” McClain that he’s keeping the PBR Cup for himself. However, after his marriage ends and he’s the first person fired from Celebrity Apprentice, Elly is broke, homeless and has no friends. Derek T. eventually takes Elly back in and though Math is crushed by La Cinderella Tuques in the first game of the 2020 BTSH season, all is right with the world as Derek and Elly discuss BTSH and life.

Three Stars of the Week

Third Star: Myrto Mylopoulos, Tompkins Square Riots. Myrto scored the only shootout goal in the Riots’ win against the Unicorns, and we’re looking for any excuse to get this video on the site one more time.
Second Star: Joe Polowczuk, Unicorns/Rehabs. As a borrowed player, who was inexplicably allowed to play by the Elves power structure, Joe recorded a hat trick to lead the Rehabs to their first victory of the season.  In addition to giving his Fairy Tale Cup rivals a taste of things to come, Polowczuk also scored the game-tying goal in his own game for the Unicorns.
First Star: Tommy Capatosta, LBS, Inc.  The Corporation’s Security Manager had all five of the team’s goals in LBS, Inc.’s 5-4 overtime win against the Sky Fighters.  He has dubbed the accomplishment the “Capatostrick.”

Shaun deLacy GAA Watch

This year, due to a series of stupid bets made by Happy Little Elves goalie Shaun deLacy, the media will track his goals against average over the course of the regular season.

Goals Allowed This Week: 0 (did not play)
Goals Allowed Previously: 14
Goals Allowed This Season: 14
Games Played: 5
Goals Against Average: 2.8
Next Opponent: Butchers (2.33 goals per game)

After recording a shutout last week against the Denim Demons, Shaun thought he owed it to himself to take a week off in celebration of his momentous feat.  As a result, team captain Rich Glanzer filled in for his keeper with less than stellar results.  This week, a well-rested deLacy returns to action to face the Butchers, who have won three in a row and are led by league-leading scorer, Ben Bloom.

Know Your Neighbor

Name: Mike Smith
Team: Mathematics
Unsanctioned Nickname: Hippie
Rejected Nicknames: Mikey, Smitty, Vanilla, Buckeye
Origin: Springboro, OH
College: Miami University (OH)
Quote: “Git-r-done!”
First Job: Valet parking attendant at La Comedia Dinner Theatre
Current Job: Business Entrepreneur
Early Accomplishments: Figuring out that “soda” and “pop” are the same thing.
Current Accomplishments: He finished second to Ellen M. of the Butchers in the 2010 Sharif Corinaldi Memorial Hot Legs Competition
Hero: Joe Dirt
Reason to Love Him: This profile will most likely cause Rich Glanzer to start an extended boycott of btsh.org.
Reason to Hate Him: He takes candy from babies.
Best Known For: His arm tattoo, which is an outline of the state of Ohio
Fast Fact: Mike is not legally allowed to shave, as his beard now houses several endangered species of birds.
Favorite Things: Motorsports, Skyline Chili, Maker’s Mark whiskey, broomball
Favorite IndyCar Driver: Michel Jourdain, Jr.
Least Favorite Things: Ohio State University, the anonymous Mathematics GM, people confusing Ohio for Idaho, mega-churches
Hockey Comparison: Mike Smith
Non-Hockey Comparison: Take your pick.
Things The Media Will Continue to Overhype About Him: He and Rich Glanzer won the 2010 Media Award for Best Duo, narrowly beating out runners-up Rich Glanzer and Karsten Pichon
Down the Road: Mike decides he doesn’t look like an authentic redneck.  He grows a mullet to “keep it real.”

GAME OF THE WEEK
Cobra Kai (1-0-1) at Mathematics (1-0-1)
Location: Tompkins West, 4:30 PM
All-Time Series: Mathematics lead 6-2
Game Notes: The once intense rivalry between Cobra Kai and the Mathematics has lost most of its luster over the past few seasons. With heavy turnover on both squads and the two teams sent packing to different divisions, their lone battle last season (a 4-3 OT win by the Dojo) seemed more like a formality of the schedule than a legitimate grudge match. However, with Cobra Kai and the Mathematics each making a strong push in the first couple of weeks of 2011, this feud may be ready for a resurrection. Although Cobra Kai could only muster a 1-1 tie against their Donohue Division foe, La Famiglia, on Opening Day, the team stunned the Rehabs 2-1 last week. Perhaps most notable about these two wins is the team’s vast improvement in defense in holding both opponents to just a goal. Last year, the team surrendered 56 goals during the regular season, which was third most in BTSH. The Mathematics also opened the season with a dissatisfying draw, 1-1 against Poutine Machine. However, like the Dojo, Math rebounded in Week 2 with an impressive 4-1 win against the Butchers. As Cobra Kai and the Mathematics both look to stay undefeated, which team will continue its upward trend, and which will come crashing back to Earth?
Keys To The Game:
1. Cobra Kai goalie Peter Lang has allowed one goal in each of his team’s first two games.  However, the offense has only scored three goals.  Until the offense steps up, Lang will need to maintain his stellar play.
2. The Mathematics’ injury-waiting-to-happen Bradley Schmidt has scored three goals in the team’s first two games, all in the second half.  The team will once again rely on a clutch performance from him late in the game.
3. The anonymous Mathematics general manager has already warned the team to keep an eye out for Cobra Kai’s resident pie expert, Anita Khar.  He stated in an e-mail to the team, “Anita can be a very dangerous scorer, so we have to keep her covered at all times.  Of course, I’m much better than she is at ‘skeet ball.’”
Watchability: 4 Smiths.  Rich Glanzer is very happy about this rating scale.

Mega Touch (1-1) at Tompkins Square Riots (0-2)
Location: Tompkins East, 1:00 PM
All-Time Series: Mega Touch leads 1-0-1
Game Notes: The Tompkins Square Riots and Mega Touch were both members of the MacNeil Division last year, and while the Riots won the division, Mega Touch won the season series between the two teams.  Mega Touch’s Harvey Jaswal scored twice in each game: a 3-3 tie in Week 10 and a 3-2 Mega Touch win in Week 13.
Eli’s Pick: Mega Touch.  Jaswal is even more dangerous now, thanks to new linemate Adriano “Muscles Marinara” Bratta.
Derek’s Pick: Tompkins Square Riots.  Um, they’re due?
Watchability: 3 Smiths

Dark Rainbows (2-0) at Rehabs (0-2)
Location: Tompkins West, 1:00 PM
All-Time Series: Tied 5-5
Game Notes: The goalies in this game both have the last name of Meyer.  As far as we know, they are not related.
Eli’s Pick: Dark Rainbows
Derek’s Pick: Dark Rainbows.  Gina Hackett is only worried that the Rehabs will become the Boston Red Sox of BTSH.
Watchability: 3 Smiths

Happy Little Elves (1-1) at What The Puck (1-0-0-1)
Location: Tompkins East, 2:00 PM
All-Time Series: What The Puck leads 2-1
Game Notes: After tough losses on Opening Day, both the Happy Little Elves and What The Puck rebounded with strong performances in Week 2.  The Elves, led by a Rob “Smash” Muggeo hat trick, defeated the Tompkins Square Riots 8-4, while What The Puck beat Gut Rot 5-2, thanks to Oliver Hartman’s two goals.
Eli’s Pick: No pick.  Eli will be reffing this game.
Derek’s Pick: Happy Little Elves.  I know they don’t like it when both media members pick them, so I guess this is still okay?
Watchability: 4 Smiths

Corlears Hookers (2-0) at Butchers (1-1)
Location: Tompkins West, 2:00 PM
All-Time Series: Corlears Hookers lead 1-0
Game Notes: These teams last faced off in the semifinals of the 2010 playoffs.  The 18th seeded Butchers entered that game having knocked off the top two seeds in the Denim Demons and Rehabs, but the Corlears Hookers extinguished any hopes of an upset by jumping out to a three-goal lead in the first ten minutes of the game en route to a 3-1 win.
Eli’s Pick: Corlears Hookers.  Brendan “Dutch” Kearney has perfect attendance and the Hookers are undefeated.  Coincidence?  I think not.
Derek’s Pick: Corlears Hookers
Watchability: 3.5 Smiths

Gut Rot (0-2) at Sky Fighters (1-1)
Location: Tompkins East, 3:00 PM
All-Time Series: Gut Rot leads 1-0
Game Notes: In a game where Martin “Ocho Cinco” Cejka was noticeably absent, Gut Rot defeated the Sky Fighters in Week 11 of the 2010 regular season in a 3-2 overtime thriller.  According to Sky Fighters captain Dan Hopper, Cejka’s attendance for this weekend is “probable.”
Eli’s Pick: Sky Fighters
Derek’s Pick: Sky Fighters
Watchability: 2.5 Smiths.  Although the Sky Fighters seem like an obvious favorite on paper, last season’s matchup shows that you cannot discount the resiliency of Gut Rot.

Gouging Anklebiters (0-2) at Fresh Kills (1-1)
Location: Tompkins West, 3:00 PM
All-Time Series: Fresh Kills leads 10-3
Game Notes: The Gouging Anklebiters, who always seem to start slowly, are once again going through their early season woes.  In the first couple of weeks, they have already lost two crucial MacNeil Division matchups.  Fresh Kills, on the other hand, opened the season with a gritty victory against What The Puck, but fell to the Dark Rainbows in Week 2.
Eli’s Pick: Fresh Kills
Derek’s Pick: Fresh Kills.  Once again, Phil’s squad saves their best performance for the bar.
Watchability: 2 Smiths

Denim Demons (1-1) at Poutine Machine (1-0-1)
Location: Tompkins East, 4:30 PM
All-Time Series: First Meeting
Game Notes: The Denim Demons are still feeling the burn from last week’s disappointing 7-3 loss to the Corlears Hookers.  This week, they will try to right the ship against Poutine Machine, who is coming off a 4-2 win against the Gouging Anklebiters.
Eli’s Pick: Denim Demons.  With co-captain Abby “Tayne” Meisterman on vacation, Adam “Legend Killer” Rubens inspires his squad to a win.
Derek’s Pick: Denim Demons
Watchability: 2.5 Smiths

HOCKEY NIGHT IN TOMPKINS (National Telecast)
Written by Hockey Night in Tompkins Correspondent Jesse Kalb
Unicorns (2-0) at La Famiglia (1-0-1)
Location: Tompkins East, 5:30 PM
All-Time Series: Unicorns lead 11-2
Game Notes: Who are these people wearing yellow and masquerading as the Unicorns? Eight goals in 2 games? I’m not sure they scored 8 goals all last season. Nothing like getting bumped down a division to fire up the blood, eh Unis? Behind the unprecedented scoring binge and the always-solid goaltending of Craig Lacombe, Team Yellow A has grabbed an early-season Donohue Division lead. The scrappy La Famiglia (Team Yellow B) always seems to be just under the radar and on the cusp of BTSH relevance. Their lack of a perceived identity has had them toiling in BTSH obscurity for some time, despite their usually solid play. Some well-timed post-game hijinks at Ace Bar would go a long way to putting their stamp on a league looking for a new underdog darling. The Guinness, Bailey’s, and Jamesons await you, La Famiglia.
Vegas Line: Unicorns by 2
Jesse the Greek says: La Famiglia is never an easy out, but the Unis look inspired, and their mid-season malaise is still months away. Lay the points.
Watchability: 2.5 Lyndon Johnson Biographies

HOCKEY NIGHT IN TOMPKINS (Regional Telecast)
Written by Hockey Night in Tompkins Correspondent Jesse Kalb
Filthy Gorgeous (1-1) at LBS, Inc. (0-1-0-1)
Location: Tompkins West, 5:30 PM
All-Time Series: Filthy Gorgeous leads 6-2-1
Game Notes: Speaking of getting relegated, The Lbs. corporation seems to be tottering under the weight of their own expectations and bloated bureaucracy. Still looking for their first win, and with a minus-4 goal differential, The Syndicate apparently still thinks it is February and they can just keep playing MarioKart all day on Sundays. BTSH is still looking for the real Filthy Gorgeous to show up in 2011. Life is not easy in the Rubens Division, but such is the price of greatness. Are they ready to pay it?
Vegas Line: Filthy Gorgeous by .5
Jesse the Greek says: Filthy, and lay the spread
Watchability: 3.5 Retweets

Del Amitri

Color: Gray/Black
Year Founded: 2006
2010 Regular Season Finish: 6-8-0-2 (2nd, MacNeil Division; 15th overall)
2010 Playoff Result: Lost to Butchers in opening round
Conference: Schumacher
Division: MacNeil
2010 Leading Scorer: Andy Pratt, 8 goals
Team Song: DJ Pauly D – Beat Dat Beat
Key Additions: Lilly Preston (free agency)
Key Losses: Scott Lee (Fresh Kills)

***May we have your attention please.  We have just received an e-mail from the anonymous Mathematics general manager.  And we quote…***

After another mediocre season last year, the Mathematics have officially hired me as their new general manager of the franchise.  Although I choose not to reveal my identity at this time, I can assure you that I bring years of hockey experience with me, including a recent championship in an unnamed New York City street hockey league.  But enough about me.  Let’s get down to business.

I have already implemented several changes to improve this team.  First, I have rescinded the contract of former player, Scott Lee.  As you well know, the Mathematics went on a modest five-game winning streak last season that roughly coincided with Scott’s summer break from college in Canada.  To me, that is a clear indication of who the weak link on the team was last season (besides Mike Smith, because I hate him), and I had to correct the problem.  Second, I have installed a new defensive system on the team that I have coined the “NEDI” (New Elves Defensive Initiative).  I have used this gameplan on another street hockey team (despite the objections of my oversized co-captain) with much success.  Third, I have decided to continue the Mathematics’ ongoing policy that “Brad Schmidt has no say in anything.”  However, I have also expanded on this doctrine to include Mike Smith and all of the team’s women.

With these changes already in place and several more upcoming, I expect a pretty big improvement for this once struggling franchise.  I have made it the team’s goal to win the MacNeil Division and  secure the fourth seed in the BTSH playoffs.  After that, anything can happen!  Woo, woo, woo!  You know it!

P.S. If the corrupt BTSH media ever reveals my identity, I will boycott them and the website.

Entity They Resemble, According to Rich Glanzer: Michael Cole. Have to go wrestling for these wrestling fans. Michael Cole stood in the shadow of long time announcer J.R. for 10 years. Finally Cole got his shot at the big time and is now an unabashed star, while showing what a jerk he is. Derek and Eli are no different. Expect a pretty big improvement for this once struggling franchise.
Fast Fact: Amy Anderla’s favorite scene in Youngblood is when Coach Chadwick’s daughter catches Rob Lowe wearing just his jock strap.

ROSTER
Amy Anderla
Joe Boshko
Sarah Coombs
Ali Corsi
Liz Hirsch
Jaret Horn
Eli Kazin
Adam Langer
Andrew Lu
Laura MacNeil
Sean “$howJu” McClain
Sheena Otto
Justin “Ballard” Perras
Andy Pratt
Lilly Preston
Bradley Schmidt
Mike Smith
Derek Tagliarino (C)
Meagan Vincent

Mathematics 2, Gut Rot 1 (OT-SO)
Mathematics: Sean “$howJu” McClain (5)
Gut Rot: Scott (7)
Shootout: Mathematics win 1-0. Successful attempt by Laura MacNeil.

Dark Rainbows 3, Filthy Gorgeous 2
Dark Rainbows: John Nielsen (12), Trevor “White Jesus” Tyrrell (3), Jennie Brown (1)
Filthy Gorgeous: Joe “Monster Mash” Essock (7), Chris Mangan (2)

LBS, Inc. 7, Happy Little Elves 4
LBS, Inc.: Karsten Pichon 3 (11), Brian “Grandmaster B” Barrett 2 (2), Dan Bernstein (3), Sam Anthony (2)
Happy Little Elves: Ryan Nakahara 2 (6), Gil Valdez (9), Eric “El Guapo” DiPierri (3)

La Famiglia 3, Butchers 2 (OT)
La Famiglia: Denis Miciletto (6), Dmitry Gurvits (2), Angela Vicari (2)
Butchers: “The Charismatic Enigma” Arthur Revechkis 2 (5)
Game Notes: Revechkis scored twice in the final five minutes of regulation to tie the game.  Gurvits scored the winning goal in overtime.

Mega Touch 3, Tompkins Square Riots 2
Mega Touch: Harvey Jaswal 2 (5), Alex “Coop” Eben Meyer (2)
Tompkins Square Riots: Patrik Blohmé (9), Alexandre Frenette (8)

Fresh Kills 3, Gouging Anklebiters 2
Fresh Kills: Nick Hobbs 2 (4), Ariel Imas (2)
Gouging Anklebiters: Alex Derhohannesian 2 (10)
Game Notes: Imas’ game-winning goal broke a 2-2 tie with five minutes remaining in regulation.

Rehabs 4, Unicorns 2
Rehabs: Brock Bosacker 2 (2), “The All-American Canadian” Adam Skuse (7), “Con” Ed Lau (3)
Unicorns: Courtney 2 (3)

Corlears Hookers 6, Poutine Machine 1
Corlears Hookers: Gavin “Dutch’s Brother” Kearney 2 (14), Peter “Purple Rain” Putka 2 (5), Jonathan Bartlett 2 (2)
Poutine Machine: Jo-Ann Provencher (2)

Cobra Kai 9, What The Puck 0
Cobra Kai: Rem “Canadian Strongman” Garavito 5 (7), Will Kuhns 2 (6), Greg “Lysol” Altman 2 (3)
Shutout: Paul “P.J.” Lopez (1)

Denim Demons 1, Sky Fighters 0
Denim Demons: Dave Shyu (2)
Shutout: Aaron “Coach” Pagdon (1)