With the Denim Demons off to another hot start in the 2010 season, all of BTSH is studying their every move in order to glean what has been working so well for them. While captain Adam “Legend Killer” Rubens has steadfastly refused to divulge any of his in-game strategy, he has been gracious enough to provide a handy guide to pre-game calisthenics.
“Any good stretching regimen should take approximately 20-30 minutes. Although the focus of your routine should be on the legs, young players are reminded to hit all parts of the body.”
The following views do not necessarily represent those of the editors or of BTSH. They do, however, represent those of Adam “Legend Killer” Rubens.
World Cup Primer
Background: The World Cup is the biggest sporting event on Earth. Bigger than the Coney Island hot dog eating contest. Ten times bigger than the Super Bowl. And this year, it’s projected to narrowly edge out the prestigious (yet imaginary) Fairy Tale Cup in total viewership, tickets sold, and Jäger shots consumed in a fit of euphoric cheer and obliviousness to later side effects.
The qualification process for this summer’s four week bazaar has already taken place over the last three years, with some teams traveling more than 20,000 miles. This process (which takes longer than riding the G train from Williamsburg to Park Slope) weeds out some of the lesser teams and brings the best 32 into the tournament. Naturally, I’m still perplexed at how Papua New Guinea just missed out on this year’s tournament.
The following views do not necessarily represent those of the editors or of BTSH. They do, however, represent those of Adam “Legend Killer” Rubens.
It occurred to me that many of the story lines in club soccer are similar to those happening in BTSH. With that, I’ll now try to give each team in our league its club soccer counterpart:
Mathematics:Valencia – A solid core surrounds one incredible talent. When playing against Valencia, you know that David Villa is going to get the ball, and he’s probably going to do some amazing things whether you like it or not. The same can be said for Mathematics, with Andy Pratt playing the hero role.
Happy Little Elves:Wigan Athletic – After arriving in the league for the first time seemingly out of nowhere, both these upstarts are carving their place in the league and look to improve on their performance from last year. It’s unlikely that either will make a title run, but achieving a .500 record would give a lot of hope for the future.
Cobra Kai:West Ham United – Despite toiling away in the lower half of the table much of the time, they were able to sign an incredible goal scoring talent in Adriano Bratta, similar to how West Ham got Carlos Tevez…only to lose him at year’s end.
What The Puck:Manchester United – Despite having an all-star lineup that’s capable of dismantling any team out there, they saw fit to poach some of the top free agents in the league. This, of course, makes them an even better team, but also raises the ire of all whom they play against.
Those From Staten Island Were Sent Home
This year’s All-Star Game deviated from BTSH’s traditional random division of teams by splitting players based on their current residence. With the battle line of the East River clearly drawn, a new rivalry of Brooklyn and Queens versus Manhattan and Jersey began. However, it should quickly be noted that the Manhattan/Jersey alliance is tenuous at best. The game commenced with the East taking an early lead on a goal by Eric Devlin of Bad Touch. Unfortunately, much like a real Bad Touch game, this would prove to be his side’s only goal. Towards the end of the first half, the West struck for three quick goals, scored by Derek Tagliarino (Mathematics), Matt Workman (Filthy Gorgeous), and Larry “Mad Dog” Zimmer (What The Puck). A late second half goal by the West’s Micael Holmstrom (Denim Demons) iced the 4-1 victory.
Although the West won bragging rights until next season’s contest, the game’s outcome was not the only story of the day. While his team came up short, East co-coach Adam “Legend Killer” Rubens intimidated his opposition, sporting a purple blazer, a fedora, a pair of sunglasses, a yellow legal pad, and an “I Love Brooklyn” t-shirt. West co-coach Rachel “A-Korn” Greene had a beer and a cigarette. Other highlights include a failed attempt at multi-ball by Mexican Standoff, a Rehabs bum rush on Craig “Ug” LaCombe, and referee Sven Larsen getting hit in the testicular region by a ball.
With his team’s loss, Rubens remained true to his word, and the entire East team was forced to swim home to Brooklyn.
Background: The World Cup is the biggest sporting event on Earth. Bigger than the Coney Island hot dog eating contest. Ten times bigger than the Super Bowl. And this year, it’s projected to narrowly edge out
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