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Jason Finally Got His Star

Third Star: These members of Poutine Machine, Poutine Machine. These three all contributed to Poutine’s solid defensive effort, which resulted in a shutout of MacNeil Division foe Mega Touch.  In addition, we’re always impressed when we see a bar showing like this.
Second Star: Jeff Kamen, Denim Demons. Kamen tallied a hat trick in the Game of the Week against Filthy Gorgeous to push the Denim Demons to a 4-3 victory.  With the win, the Demons maintained possession of first place in the Rubens Division.
First Star: Jason Eitel, Corlears Hookers. With only two goals entering this game, Eitel put in an A-Rod-like stat-padding performance with four goals in the Hookers’ 9-3 win against Gut Rot.  Of course, in fairness, after accumulating his goal stats, Eitel finally listened to his mother’s advice to pass more, resulting in an assist to Albert “Al” Huang.

Continue reading ‘Week 13 News and Notes’

Seth Beat Poutine, And All He Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt

LBS, Inc. 2, Poutine Machine 1 (OT-SO)
LBS, Inc.: Jason Bogdaneris (1)
Poutine Machine: Brodie St. John (2)
Goalie Win: Seth Wachtell
Shootout: LBS, Inc. wins 1-0.  Successful attempt by Sam Anthony.

Sky Fighters 2, Rehabs 1 (OT-SO)
Sky Fighters: Mark Bloom (2)
Rehabs: Jon “Dinner Plate” Feldman (1)
Goalie Win: James Stein
Shootout: Sky Fighers win 1-0.  Successful attempt by Martin “Ocho Cinco” Cejka.

Filthy Gorgeous 2, Fresh Kills 1
Filthy Gorgeous: Suvin “The Guru” Malik (6), Chris Mangan (3)
Fresh Kills: Scott Lee (4)
Goalie Win: Dan “D.O.” Owens
Game Notes: Lee dedicated his goal to Derek Tagliarino, who told Lee he should probably try to score.

La Famiglia 7, Tompkins Square Riots 4
La Famiglia: Denis Miciletto 4 (13), Shafiq “Off Black” Perry 2 (10), Alfred Liu (2)
Tompkins Square Riots: Joe Fiore 2 (5), Craig Thompson 2 (3)
Goalie Win: Jamie Batuwantudawe

Corlears Hookers 5, Happy Little Elves 0
Corlears Hookers: Jock Paul 2 (2), Libby Lewis (2), Noelle “Slapshot” Safar (2), Jesse Scolaro (2)
Shutout: Dustin “Fake Dutch’s Brother” Olson (3)

Unicorns 5, Dark Rainbows 1
Unicorns: Joe Polowczuk (7), Chris (4), Caitlin (2), Cathy (1), Erin (1)
Dark Rainbows: Mike Dudolevitch (1)
Goalie Win: Craig “Ug” LaCombe
Game Notes: The Dark Rainbows have officially been eliminated from contention for the prestigious (yet imaginary) Fairy Tale Cup.

What The Puck 6, Denim Demons 2
What The Puck: Darrell “Accurate Bob” Hartman 2 (9), Brock Bosacker 2 (3), Oliver Hartman (4), “The All-American Canadian” Adam Skuse (4)
Denim Demons: Mike Pereira (1), Adam “Legend Killer” Rubens (1)
Goalie Win: Peter Lang (on loan from Cobra Kai)

Butchers 1, Mega Touch 1 (OT-SO)
Butchers: “The Charismatic Enigma” Arthur Revechkis (5)
Mega Touch: Alex “Coop” Eben Meyer (2)
Shootout: Tied 1-1.  Successful attempts by Revechkis (BUT) and Adriano “Muscles Marinara” Bratta (MT).

Mathematics 4, Gut Rot 2
Mathematics: Adam Langer (3), Sean “$howJu” McClain (2), Lilly Preston (2), Eli Kazin (1)
Gut Rot: Tom (6), Gilligan1 (3)
Goalie Win: Joe Boshko

Gouging Anklebiters 3, Cobra Kai 1
Gouging Anklebiters: Charles DeFranco (6), Mike Diverio (1), Annika Sweetland (1)
Cobra Kai: Enayet “Retail” Rasul (1)
Goalie Win: Craig “Ug” LaCombe (on loan from Unicorns)
Game Notes: Diverio’s game-winning goal broke a 1-1 tie with nine minutes remaining in regulation.

This Is An Optical Illusion.  They’re The Same Height.

GAME OF THE WEEK
LBS, Inc. (5-2-0-1) at Poutine Machine (5-2-1)
Location: Tompkins East, 3:00 PM
All-Time Series: First Meeting
Game Notes: Few circled this inter-conference matchup as a potential Game of the Week when the schedule was released in February.  LBS, Inc. logged a pedestrian 8-7-0-1 record in 2010, resulting in a demotion from the Rubens Division to the Hackett Division.  Poutine Machine, in its inaugural season, finished 16th in BTSH with a 6-9-0-1 record.  However, fortunes have changed this year, and both teams have surpassed expectations.  The Corporation, after opening the season with two losses, has responded by winning five of its last six games and sits just two points out of first place in the ultra-competitive Hackett Division.  Poutine Machine needs just one more win to equal last year’s total and maintains a comfortable lead in the MacNeil Division.  Will LBS, Inc. be that win?
Keys To The Game:
1. LBS, Inc.’s newest hire Lawrence Goldstein has been a revelation both on and off the court.  He has bolstered the Corporation’s scoring attack with five goals this season and recently impressed CEO Sascha Puritz with his PowerPoint presentation on  how the team can effectively reduce its overhead.
2. Poutine Machine owes the bulk of their success to the performance of goaltender Tim Brown.  He has recorded four shutouts on the season to lead the league, including three in the team’s last four games.  Brown is tied for second in the league with a 1.38 GAA.
3. In one of the season’s biggest upsets, Poutine Machine defeated the Denim Demons 1-0 in Week 3, proving the team can compete with the league’s elite.  Another win against a Weyersberg Conference team would establish Poutine as a viable championship contender.
Eli’s Pick: LBS, Inc.  Majority shareholder “The Alpha Male” Ken Poulin is not happy that Poutine Machine unveiled a new white alternate jersey last weekend.
Derek’s Pick: Poutine Machine.  This week, they remove all doubt that they’re for real.
Watchability: 4 Provenchers.  This scale is compensation to Jo-Ann, who did not actually lose to Arnold Sanchez in basketball.  The media assumed this based on their genders.

Continue reading ‘Week 10 Preview’

Do You Smell What Tommy Is Cooking?

Three Stars of the Week

Third Star: Myrto Mylopoulos, Tompkins Square Riots. Myrto scored the only shootout goal in the Riots’ win against the Unicorns, and we’re looking for any excuse to get this video on the site one more time.
Second Star: Joe Polowczuk, Unicorns/Rehabs. As a borrowed player, who was inexplicably allowed to play by the Elves power structure, Joe recorded a hat trick to lead the Rehabs to their first victory of the season.  In addition to giving his Fairy Tale Cup rivals a taste of things to come, Polowczuk also scored the game-tying goal in his own game for the Unicorns.
First Star: Tommy Capatosta, LBS, Inc.  The Corporation’s Security Manager had all five of the team’s goals in LBS, Inc.’s 5-4 overtime win against the Sky Fighters.  He has dubbed the accomplishment the “Capatostrick.”

Continue reading ‘Week 6 News and Notes’

Cheer Up, Ken.  The Corporation Won.

LBS, Inc. 3, Dark Rainbows 2 (OT-SO)
LBS, Inc.: Lawrence Goldstein (4), Karsten Pichon (4)
Dark Rainbows: Josh Wilson (3), John Nielsen (2)
Shootout: LBS, Inc. wins 1-0.  Successful attempt by Goldstein.
Goalie Win: Seth Wachtell
Game Notes: Pichon scored the tying goal with 20 seconds remaining in regulation.

What The Puck 6, Filthy Gorgeous 0
What The Puck: Darrell “Accurate Bob” Hartman 2 (6), Garrett Poston (2), Hannah Stark (2), Brock Bosacker (1), “The All-American Canadian” Adam Skuse (1)
Shutout: Corey “Chongo” Winters (1)

La Famiglia 2, Rehabs 1
La Famiglia: Alfred Liu (1), The Peter Wilson (1)
Rehabs: Lateef Nurmohamed (1)
Goalie Win: Jamie Batuwantudawe

Mathematics 4, Mega Touch 2
Mathematics: Bradley Schmidt (4), Adam Langer (1), Lilly Preston (1), Derek Tagliarino (1)
Mega Touch: Adriano “Muscles Marinara” Bratta (4), Harvey Jaswal (4)
Goalie Win: Joe Boshko
Game Notes: Langer’s game-winning goal broke a 2-2 tie with five minutes remaining in regulation.

Fresh Kills 2, Corlears Hookers 0
Fresh Kills: Ariel Imas (3), Matt Kazior (2)
Shutout: Dan Owens (on loan from Filthy Gorgeous)

Poutine Machine 3, Gut Rot 0
Poutine Machine: Ashish Nagpal 2 (4), Dave Kucharsky (2)
Shutout: Tim Brown (2)

Cobra Kai 6, Tompkins Square Riots 1
Cobra Kai: Sarab Lalri 2 (4), Marc Beland (3), Mark Talercio (2), Adam Jacque (1), Fay Wells (1)
Tompkins Square Riots: Alexandre Frenette (2)
Goalie Win: Tim Brown (on loan from Poutine Machine)

Sky Fighters 8, Gouging Anklebiters 0
Sky Fighters: Dan Hopper 2 (5), Martin “Ocho Cinco” Cejka 2 (4), Brian Allen 2 (2), Robert Kucera (3), Greg Infanti (1)
Shutout: Dustin “Fake Dutch’s Brother” Olson (on loan from Corlears Hookers)

Butchers 3, Unicorns 0
Butchers: Ben Bloom 2 (6), Amanda Jenkins (2)
Shutout: Eric Ramirez (2)

Happy Little Elves 1, Denim Demons 0 (OT-SO)
Shutout: Aaron “Coach” Pagdon (2), Shaun deLacy (1)
Shootout: Happy Little Elves win 1-0.  Successful attempt by Trevor Beauclair.