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The following views do not necessarily represent those of the editors or of BTSH. They do, however, represent those of Rich Glanzer.

For winning the Survivor Pool for the second straight year [Ed: Factual inaccuracy #1], I get to make yet another guest column. Here it is:

This is the true story [Ed: Factual inaccuracy #2], of two strangers, picked to run a co-ed hockey team, work together, and get their asses kicked. Find out what happens when captains stop being polite, and start getting real. The real story of the Happy Little Elves.

In 2008, the Happy Little Elves were formed. Two men, one loved, and the other me, fought for control of the franchise. The tall one they call Ben Chadwick eventually won the power struggle (because he paid Bob W. the league fee, and I didn’t), and that is how the Happy Little Elves came into existence. Years later, many books, movies, and inaccurate stories on the BTSH website [Ed: Including this very guest column] detailed how the Elves went from Lime Green Losers to champions of the BTSH world. But finally the secret tapes came out as I knew they would, and the true story has finally been revealed.

How did I know the tapes would come out???  [Ed: Two of these question marks are superfluous] Well, I leaked it on my Facebook account a few months ago. But here are the secret conversations between Ben Chadwick and myself.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PmF42fFSnLc

As you can see, the friction between the 2009 Duo of the Year, Ben Chadwick and myself, has not thawed. We hate each other as much as we did the first day when I said to him, “Hi, my name is Rich Glanzer, but you can call me Captain.”

However, we both agree on three things:

1. The Simpsons is way better than Family Guy
2. Jan Erixon would still be the best Ranger
3. Shaun deLacey [sic] is a jerk, but he’s our jerk

What Celebrities Are Saying About The BTSH Final

The following views do not necessarily represent those of the editors or of BTSH. They do, however, represent those of Rich Glanzer.

Without a doubt, the Happy Little Elves and Corlears Hookers are two of the most polarizing teams in all of BTSH.  Regardless of which side you’re cheering for in this Sunday’s final, almost everyone has an opinion.

These teams first met two years ago on the last day of the 2008 regular season.  The Hookers were rolling through all of BTSH, while the Elves were on a collision course with the 1962 Mets.  Although the Hookers had no subs that day, they were still huge and heavy favorites.  However, the Elves proved exceeded everyone’s expectations and forced overtime with 30 seconds to go, before they eventually lost in a shootout.

Still the juggernaut of BTSH, the Corlears Hookers now face the former patsies of BTSH once again in the BTSH championship game.  As you might expect, the Elves’ postseason run has caught the eye of BTSH fans everywhere.  But what is a little surprising, is that this Good vs. Evil (Ed: which team is which?) matchup has also caught the eye of many celebrities.  After checking out www.celebretytweetsaboutBTSH.com, you can tell there are fans of both sides.  Let’s take a look:

Continue reading ‘Guest Columnist: Rich Glanzer’

The following views do not necessarily represent those of the editors or of BTSH. They do, however, represent those of Rich Glanzer.

While everyone knows I like to stay quiet and not comment much, I feel the need to speak up about a miscarriage of justice.  Before I speak of this injustice, I want everyone to know how much this hurts me to say, since the two people that have besmirched our beloved BTSH, I used to consider friends.

Adriano Bratta and Ben Chadtrick (Chadwick) are both in the Survivor Pool.  However, in Week 5, they, along with Jesse Kalb all lost.  When it happened, I, along with the rest of the league, figured there would be no winner, and the champion would revert back to whoever won last.  And that just so happens to be me.

There is precedence in this approach.  If the three teams involved all tie, the prestigious (yet imaginary) Fairy Tale Cup is awarded to the team that held it the previous season.  So, since all three players lost in Week 5, they should have all been eliminated, and I, Hockey Rich, should have been deemed champion once again.

But because BTSH turncoats Derek and Eli run the Survivor Pool, they decided to make up their own rules, and screw me of my deserved title.

I have to say that the original winner, Abby Meisterman, and I are true champions.  We wouldn’t accept taking the title if we actually lost.  Adriano and Ben are not worthy champions.  They are only worthy of our league-wide scorn.

Good Day!!

The following views do not necessarily represent those of the editors or of BTSH. They do, however, represent those of Adam “Legend Killer” Rubens.

World Cup Primer

Background: The World Cup is the biggest sporting event on Earth. Bigger than the Coney Island hot dog eating contest. Ten times bigger than the Super Bowl. And this year, it’s projected to narrowly edge out the prestigious (yet imaginary) Fairy Tale Cup in total viewership, tickets sold, and Jäger shots consumed in a fit of euphoric cheer and obliviousness to later side effects.

The qualification process for this summer’s four week bazaar has already taken place over the last three years, with some teams traveling more than 20,000 miles.  This process (which takes longer than riding the G train from Williamsburg to Park Slope) weeds out some of the lesser teams and brings the best 32 into the tournament. Naturally, I’m still perplexed at how Papua New Guinea just missed out on this year’s tournament.

Continue reading ‘Guest Columnist: Adam “Legend Killer” Rubens’

The following views do not necessarily represent those of the editors or of BTSH. They do, however, represent those of Dr. Byron Clavicle.

Pleasant Memories of Street Hockey Moments That Never Were

As a board-certified neurosurgical cosmetologist, I’m often asked by BTSH players to modify their cerebral cortices to create memories of events that never actually transpired. For example, a certain What The Puck player whiffed on what would have been a game-winning goal in the championship. Haunted by this recollection, he would naturally prefer to remember scoring the goal. A certain Mathematics player requested I replace all memories of his team’s last season with memories of playing viola for the Kirov Ballet orchestra in last year’s world tour. A certain Happy Little Elves assistant captain wished to have his brain wiped clean and replaced with the late Wilt Chamberlain’s. Two of these players even shaved their heads in preparation!

Sadly, none of these requests are covered by any insurance policies that I am aware of, and the multi-trillion dollar cost of the procedure can be daunting for some. But I have come up with a far cheaper alternative that may alleviate this psychic discomfort, allowing second-rate players to imagine themselves as street hockey superstars, instead of as infantile mush-heads growing increasingly torpid and lazy-lidded while shovelling one Cheeto after another into their drooling gullets and reading some half-baked off-season filler on a sub-par sports blog.

So, feel free to augment your mediocre memories with these fictive fantasies.

Continue reading ‘Guest Columnist: Dr. Byron Clavicle’