“Hollywood” Jeff Lesser Would Be Proud

TOMPKINS SQUARE PARK – Fresh Kills defenseman Kevin “The Planet” Foster has always been known and feared for his long, booming shots from the point.  Although the sage veteran has been relatively quiet throughout regular and postseason, he made a huge impact in Sunday’s championship game.  Foster’s blast from the blue line late in the second half broke a 1-1 stalemate and clinched his second BTSH championship with Fresh Kills.

Foster’s captain Dave Sokolyansky was effusive in his praise for the stalwart defender.  Soko noted, “This couldn’t have happened to a nicer, more sensitive guy.  As much as I wanted to win, I’m relieved that Kevin scored the game-winner instead of someone like my brother [Mike Sokolyanksy], who’s been a real source of irritation and consternation this season.”  Foster’s goal came as a bit of surprise, as he had scored just one goal during the 2011 season and two in 2010.

Fresh Kills’ other goal also came from the defense.  Patrick Moore, who only had two goals in 2011 himself, tied the game at one midway through the first half.  Moore’s goal was set up by the “Where am I?” line, consisting of Nick Hobbs and Scott Lee.  Lee, who was nearly late for the final after losing track of time while exploring Union Square, started the play with a battle along the dugout behind the net.  He chipped a pass to Hobbs, who found Moore wide open in the slot.

Despite Foster and Moore’s heroics, Fresh Kills still voted goaltender Patrick Barch as the team’s playoff MVP.  Barch allowed just five goals through four playoff games and made numerous clutch saves in the second half of the final to preserve the 1-1 tie.  Defender Ariel Imas commented, “It’s comforting knowing that Patrick is behind me.  I try to block as much as I can, but I know that if a shot gets through, Patrick will always come up with the big save.”  Barch finished fourth in BTSH with a 1.60 GAA during the regular season.

What The Puck’s goal also came from an unexpected source, as rookie forward Garrett Poston opened the scoring five and a half minutes into the game.  Poston, an overlooked part of captain Larry “Mad Dog” Zimmer’s offseason acquisitions, rifled a wrist shot past Barch after receiving a cross-court pass from “The All-American Canadian” Adam Skuse (a more heralded acquisition), who was wearing his lucky Bowdoin sweatpants for the game.

What The Puck was playing in its second championship in the past three seasons, as the team also lost in 2009 to the Sky Fighters.  Zimmer, who has been the team’s captain since its inception in 2001, was disappointed with the outcome of the game.  However, his mood brightened when veteran Mike “The X-Factor” Woodsworth, Amy Farley, and the rest of What The Puck presented their sheepish leader with a scrapbook filled with photos and What The Puck memories.

CHAMPIONSHIP GAME
#2 Fresh Kills 2, #7 What The Puck 1

First Half:
What The Puck – 5:30, Garrett Poston (1) (“The All-American Canadian” Adam Skuse)
Fresh Kills – 12:00, Patrick Moore (1) (Nick Hobbs, Scott Lee)

Second Half:
Fresh Kills – 21:54, Kevin “The Planet” Foster (1) (Mike Sokolyansky, Dave Sokolyansky)

#7 What The Puck (12-5-1-2) at #2 Fresh Kills (14-4-2)
Location: Tompkins West, 4:00 PM
All-Time Series: What The Puck leads 9-8-1
2011 Result: Week 1 – Fresh Kills 3, What The Puck 2 (OT-SO); Week 8 – Fresh Kills 3, What The Puck 0
Game Notes: At the beginning of the 2011 season, picking What The Puck to reach the championship game was a no-brainer.  Larry “Mad Dog” Zimmer had just concluded an off-season shopping spree, pillaging the Rehabs of goaltender Anthony Romeo and forwards Brock Bosacker, Alex Doucette, and “The All-American Canadian” Adam Skuse.  Zimmer’s grand plan to ambush BTSH with his all-star squad was working to perfection through the spring, as What The Puck jumped out to an 8-1-0-1 record through ten games.  However, once the calendar turned to summer, injuries and lackluster attendance began to deplete Zimmer’s charges, and his Orange Juggernaut stumbled to a 1-4-1-1 finish, scoring an uncharacteristically low 11 goals in this seven game stretch.  Once the playoffs began, however, What The Puck returned to the form everyone expected to see, and the team dispatched the Sky Fighters, Denim Demons, and Butchers, allowing just one goal in each game.  What The Puck’s opponent in the championship game, Fresh Kills, is a familiar foe.  The two teams are meeting in the postseason for the fourth time since 2006, and as members of the Hackett Division, they faced off twice this season.  Captain David Sokolyansky, armed with a much smaller budget than Zimmer’s, took an alternate route to building his squad, preferring to add undervalued free agents and players other teams viewed as flawed.  This haul included Scott Lee, who was cast aside by the Mathematics because of his inability to finish.  Sokolyansky’s philosophy paid off, as Fresh Kills performed consistently throughout the season and claimed the Hackett Division crown on the penultimate weekend of the regular season.  However, all of this hard work was almost undone in the opening round of the playoffs, when Fresh Kills was extended to a shootout before putting away Mega Touch.  The next two rounds proceeded more like the regular season, as Sokolyansky’s bunch used stifling defense and opportunistic offense to eliminate the Dark Rainbows and defending champion Happy Little Elves.  Entering the finals, Fresh Kills now seems to have all signs pointing in its favor, as Sokolyanksy and his crew are the higher seed and swept What The Puck in the season series.  However, Zimmer is known for pulling rabbits out of hats throughout his illustrious BTSH tenure and may have one more trick up his sleeve.

Keys To The Game For What The Puck:
1. In last week’s semifinal against the pesky Butchers, Hannah Stark delivered in the clutch and scored the game-winning goal with 1:30 remaining in regulation.  What The Puck will once again turn to her to rise to the challenge in this pressure-filled matchup.
2. Goaltender Anthony Romeo continued his postseason success in last week’s semifinal, as he allowed just one goal for the third consecutive week.  This has come after a regular season rife with attendance issues and mediocrity for the centerpiece of What The Puck’s offseason acquisitions.  However, Zimmer is not surprised, as his master plan all along was to rest his top goalie from the wear and tear of the Indian summer, allowing Romeo to be fresh and healthy for the playoffs.
3. Grizzled veteran Tom MacDonald has had a bit of a chip on his shoulder after Zimmer cut him just prior to the playoffs in order to clear roster space for Brock Bosacker.  However, after Bosacker’s ship lost communication somewhere in the Bermuda Triangle, Zimmer resigned MacDonald one day after his release.  MacDonald noted that he understood Zimmer’s initial decision, but he is now determined to prove he belongs on the playoff squad.  He had one goal in last week’s semifinal.
Keys To The Game For Fresh Kills:
1. Without the presence of last season’s leading scorer, Justin “The Boss” Ross, there has been a team-wide effort to fill his offensive void.  As a result, in Fresh Kills’ three playoff games, nine different players have combined for the team’s 12 goals.    Sokolyansky boasts that his team is particularly dangerous, because any line can score at any time.
2. After finishing the regular season with the fourth best GAA among qualifying goalies in BTSH, Patrick Barch has been a steady force between the pipes in the playoffs.  He has allowed just four goals in Fresh Kills’ three games, including a shutout of the Dark Rainbows.  In addition, Barch seems to have a cosmic connection with his favorite NFL team, the Pittsburgh Steelers, whose results have mirrored those of Fresh Kills since the start of the playoffs.  In other words, if Fresh Kills wins on Sunday, look for the Steelers to upset the Patriots.
3. As a special treat to motivate his team, Sokolyanksy had intended to bring back former Fresh Kills captain “Hollywood” Jeff Lesser to give a rousing pre-game pep talk.  However, in finalizing the details, Dave’s brother Mike repeatedly called Lesser by his given name, rather than “Hollywood,” as Lesser prefers.  These gaffes offended Lesser so much that he will no longer be attending.  Instead, the team will receive a pre-game pep talk via satellite from former Notre Dame head coach, Lou Holtz.
Rich Glanzer’s Thoughts: If this game was played from June to August, Fresh Kills would be five goal favorites. But WTP has come from their now-annual summer swoon to the championship game. Fresh Kills has had one goal all year: not just to make this game, but to win it. Talent-wise, What The Puck has the better men, and FK has the better women. Goalies are pretty much equal. I say this game comes down to who wants it more, and I gotta believe Fresh Kills does. I see a tight defensive game where Fresh Kills grabs a 2-0 lead, WTP scores early in the 2nd half, and FK adds one more late. 3-1 Fresh Kills.
Eli’s Pick: Fresh Kills.  It’s worth noting that my history of correctly picking the championship game is extremely suspect, but the Corlears Hookers are not in it this year.
Derek’s Pick: What The Puck.  Dave Sokolyansky seems to think his team plays better when I pick against them.  As such, if Fresh Kills wins, it’s because my pick helped them out.  If WTP wins, I knew it all along.
Watchability: 5 Mr. Skuses.  This game is so big they’ll be listening to a live feed all the way to Cobourg, Ontario.

#2 Fresh Kills 4, #14 Happy Little Elves 2
Fresh Kills: Ashley Singer (2), Mike Sokolyansky (2), Nick Hobbs (1), Dave Sokolyansky (1)
Happy Little Elves: Gil Valdes (3), Jerome “Hornswoggle” Ramos (1)
Goalie Win: Patrick Barch

#7 What The Puck 2, #11 Butchers 1
What The Puck: Tom MacDonald (1), Hannah Stark (1)
Butchers: Jeff “Hawk” Hawkins (2)
Goalie Win: Anthony Romeo
Game Notes: Stark scored the game-winning goal with 1:30 remaining in regulation. Hawkins tied the game at one with five minutes remaining in regulation.

#14 Happy Little Elves (10-7-1-2) at #2 Fresh Kills (13-4-2)
Location: Tompkins West, 2:00 PM
All-Time Series: Happy Little Elves lead 3-1
2011 Result: Week 16 – Game canceled due to “hurricane fears”
Game Notes: Although the Happy Little Elves have advanced to the semifinals, they have been suffering from internal turmoil since Week 17.  During their game against the Gouging Anklebiters, goaltender Shaun deLacy ranted for nearly six minutes about captains Ben Chadwick and Rich Glanzer’s egregious abuses of power over the last few months.  He was only silenced when Glanzer finally pulled him from the game, in yet another alleged abuse of his captaincy.  In the ensuing weeks, deLacy continued to voice his disapproval with Elves management, while slowly gaining his teammates’ and the fans’ support.  However, his crusade was dealt a setback in the opening round of the playoffs, when deLacy arrived 20 minutes late for his game, following a mysterious, anonymous text message that read, “G@m3 m0v3d.  $T@rT T!m3 n0w 4.”  This miscommunication only furthered deLacy’s cause, as he was incensed that his captains could allow this to happen.  As a result, deLacy and several other Elves, including Jerome “Hornswoggle” Ramos and Courtney McBride, sought the legal counsel of Julie Katz (who is a lawyer) to discuss potential legal action over the “hostile and unsafe workplace” that Chadwick and Glanzer had created.  The captains retaliated by gathering the entire team in the middle of the Tompkins Square Park for a vote of confidence in their regime.  Representatives for the offense, defense, women, and goaltenders all attended and voiced their opinions.  In the end, the majority of the team, including Garrett “Ax” Carrino, Melanie Pessin, Gil Valdes, and Gil’s son, voted “no confidence” and walked out on their captains.  Only a small handful did not walk out, including Ryan Nakahara (who has always preached “hustle, loyalty, and respect”), Melissa Budnick, and Rob “Smash” Muggeo, who no-showed after not responding to the meeting’s evite.  As a result of this overwhelming lack of confidence, the Elves Board of Directors, made up of Dr. Byron Clavicle, Grüte Skullbasher, the Great Gazoo, and Jonathan “The Barnacle” Levine, had no choice but to oust Chadwick and Glanzer from their positions.  In their place, the Board has appointed league face Trevor “T-Beau” Beauclair as interim captain and general manager.  Meanwhile, Fresh Kills enters this semifinal matchup on the heels of a convincing 6-0 victory against the Dark Rainbows.
Keys To The Game For The Happy Little Elves:
1. After a deLacy-like 3.73 GAA during the regular season, goaltender Shaun deLacy is having a very deLacy-like postseason.  Thus far, he has allowed just four goals in nearly three full games.  Like last season, the Elves will depend on his solid play to advance to the final.
2. Sophomore brunette, Ryan Nakahara, who only has loyalty to Chadwick and Glanzer, has decided not to play in this semifinal contest.  Nak has scored five of the Elves’ nine playoff goals.
3. Due to his modesty, interim captain Trevor “T-Beau” Beauclair is very uncomfortable in his new found spotlight.  Can this generally well-liked Canadian bring some unity to this now divided team?
Keys To The Game For Fresh Kills:
1. Captain Dave Sokolyansky and his team will be looking to enact revenge on the team that eliminated them from last year’s postseason.  Soko claims to have learned from last season’s mistakes and has vowed not to call a timeout if his team is winning by a goal with fewer than two minutes remaining.
2. This team features some of the best players you’ve never heard of.  Notables include Nick Scott (not to be confused with Nick Hobbs), Sarah Hobart, and Ashley Singer, who all scored on Sunday against the Rainbows.  And what the hell is a Matt Kazior?
3. Fresh Kills newcomer Scott Lee (not to be confused with Nick Scott) led his team to victory last week with two goals, including a breakaway caused by speed and cherry-picking.  For the remainder of the game, his teammates consistently tried to set him up for the hat trick, but as usual, he could not finish the job.
Eli’s Pick: Fresh Kills.  The Elves have won seven playoff games in a row, but this includes two wins in overtime, one in a shootout, and one at the final gun of regulation.  At some point, the breaks have to go the other way.
Derek’s Pick: Happy Little Elves.  This one’s pretty close to a toss-up for me, and I’m not sure I have a good reason for picking them.  What I do know is that the Elves enter every postseason game with a specific strategy, and so far, they have executed it perfectly.
Watchability: 5 Rhas. Two former champions in a playoff rematch.  What more could you ask for?

GAME OF THE WEEK
Happy Little Elves (7-4-1-2) at Fresh Kills (10-3-1)
Location: Tompkins West, 2:00 PM
All-Time Series: Happy Little Elves lead 3-1
Game Notes: The Happy Little Elves and Fresh Kills last met in the quarterfinals of the 2010 playoffs, when a seemingly harmless and unexpected timeout contributed to an Elves overtime victory.  With Fresh Kills holding a one goal lead in the final minutes of regulation, captain David Sokolyansky inexplicably called a timeout, claiming his players needed a breather to weather the Elves’ anticipated final assault.  However, the stoppage in play also allowed the Elves to change personnel and gave their captain Rich Glanzer–one of the premiere tacticians of BTSH–a chance to draw up the perfect play.  As a result, the Elves’ brunette then-rookie Ryan Nakahara poked in the tying goal with less than a minute remaining in regulation.  In overtime, Nakahara’s flaxen-haired linemate and overall good guy Trevor “T-Beau” Beauclair scored the winning goal to send the Elves to the semifinals.  With this comeback win as the backdrop for Sunday’s game, Fresh Kills will be looking to avenge its early exit from the 2010 playoffs, while the Happy Little Elves will look to continue their dominance in this series.
Keys To The Game:
1.  Elves forward Gil Valdes has been red hot lately, scoring five goals in the team’s last three games.  He is second on the team in scoring with 10 goals and tied for ninth in BTSH.
2. After an all-rookie performance in 2010, Fresh Kills goalie Patrick Barch has continued to excel this year, and he is currently third in the league with a 1.58 goals against average.  Consequently, Fresh Kills boasts the league’s second best defense, having allowed just 22 goals this season.
3. Now that Elves goaltender Shaun deLacy has officially lost all of his bets pertaining to his season GAA, it is as if a giant weight has been lifted off his shoulders.  Shaun notes, “It has always been my burden to strive for perfection.  I now realize that is not possible this season, but I am happy to have learned an important lesson in humility and modesty, a lesson I will always treasure.”
Eli’s Pick: No pick.  Eli will be reffing this game.
Derek’s Pick: Fresh Kills.  Even with the Elves’ recent acquisition of Adela Ibric, Fresh Kills will have youth on their side, as Scott Lee remains the youngest player in this game by about a month.
Watchability: 4.5 Ibrics.  This was a great playoff game last year, and both teams enter on winning streaks.

Cobra Kai (5-6-1-2) at Butchers (7-6-1)
Location: Tompkins East, 1:00 PM
All-Time Series: Butchers lead 2-1
Game Notes: These Donohue Division teams faced off in Week 8, when the Butchers routed Cobra Kai 6-1.  “The Charismatic Enigma” Arthur Revechkis and Ben Bloom, who are both among the league’s scoring leaders, combined for three of the Butchers’ six goals.
Eli’s Pick: Cobra Kai.  The Butchers have struggled since the Week 8 win, with their only two wins coming against the Tompkins Square Riots.
Derek’s Pick: Butchers.  They won convincingly enough the first time that I think they can do it again.
Watchability: 3 Ibrics

Rehabs (3-7-1-3) at Corlears Hookers (9-5)
Written by Tuques beat reporter Rich Glanzer
Location: Tompkins West, 1:00 PM
All-Time Series: Corlears Hookers lead 4-3
Game Notes: When these two teams last met, Jesse Kalb put the spread at the Rehabs giving 2.5 goals. The BTSH world was stunned, because the Hookers were rolling through the league in first place, and the Rehabs were last in the league. Nevertheless, Kalb and his backers bet millions on the Rehabs getting incredible odds, and he was seen driving around in his new Rolls after the Habs not only won, but covered the 2.5 goals. However, after an internal investigation led by league commissioner Adriano Bratta and defensive stalwart Matt Workman, it was determined that Kalb knew beforehand that the league’s worst goaltender, Craig LaCombe, was going to be between the pipes for the Hookers, instead of Dustin Olson. Kalb is denying the charges. Either way, expect Dustin back in net, and the Hookers will be back to their winning ways, 4-0.
Rich’s Pick: Tuques 8, Riots 1
Watchability: 2.5 JSB’s

Dark Rainbows (7-6-0-1) at Denim Demons (8-5-0-1)
Written by Dr. Byron Clavicle. Directed by Michael Bay.
Location: Tompkins East, 2:00 PM
All-Time Series: Dark Rainbows lead 8-2-1
Game Notes: The Denim Demons, aware of a cheap opportunity to seize first place while the other teams are all at home, propose to the Dark Rainbows to play through Hurricane Irene. The Rainbows are reluctant to throw caution to the wind (literally), but are visited in the night by the ghost of Rod Brind’Amour (which is odd, because he isn’t dead). Rallied by the ghost’s stirring panegyric, the Rainbows refuse to let inclement weather stand in their path, and so the game is played in a Tompkins Square Park empty of all but the most stubborn winos and Adriano Bratta, who is finally forced to admit, “This is where I live!” Early in the game Zach Tinkelman is heaved skyward by a pillow of clouds and hovers in mid-air while maintaining ball control. He takes a shot and it flies in, but the goal is disallowed because the shot started higher than the crossbar. Hundred mile per hour winds scatter Rainbows and Demons across the court like marbles and pin most of the players against the chain-link fence. In a dramatic moment reminiscent of Hotel Rwanda, Demons goalie Coach lets players of both teams huddle for shelter inside his goal. Unfortunately one of the players has the ball, and the score goes 1-0, leaving him and the other Demons legitimately apoplectic at the bevy of questionable calls. In the thrilling finale, the Rainbows’ Josh Wilson discovers how to stop the hurricane using only a can of Pringles, a hockey glove, and a portrait of Abraham Lincoln. Unfortunately, his revelation comes too late, as by this time all the other players are floundering in New York Harbor, clinging to the skeleton frames of burned-out Chevrolets that fall from the sky like panties at an Elvis concert. Suddenly the sun shines through the clouds and the surviving Rainbows are at last witness to their namesake, a majestic arc encompassing the whole city. “Huzzah!” they cheer, unaware of the 500-foot reptile that’s rising out of the water behind them.
Ol’ Doc Clavicle’s Pick: A Rainbows victory. The Demons forfeit after their captain discovers that one of the Rainbows has been playing with a skinned knee.
Watchability: 5 Rosanna Scottos. Catch it on FOX.

Tompkins Square Riots (2-11-0-1) at La Famiglia (10-1-1-2)
Location: Tompkins East, 3:00 PM
All-Time Series: La Famiglia leads 2-0
Game Notes: La Famiglia enters this Donohue Division matchup riding a four-game winning streak and is just one win from clinching the division title and the third seed in the playoffs.  Due to the scoring prowess of linemates Denis Miciletto and Shafiq “Off Black” Perry, the team boasts the league’s top offense.  Miciletto and Perry combined for six of the team’s seven goals in La Famiglia’s 7-4 victory over the Riots in Week 10.
Eli’s Pick: La Famiglia
Derek’s Pick: La Famiglia
Watchability: 2 Ibrics.  The fans at Tuques Arena are expecting a party.

Gouging Anklebiters (4-10) at Gut Rot (2-12)
Location: Tompkins West, 3:00 PM
All-Time Series: Tied 1-1
Game Notes: These MacNeil Division foes squared off in Week 8, with Gut Rot defeating the Biters 4-3.  Tom tallied two goals for team Peaches.
Eli’s Pick: Gut Rot.  With football season coming up, this could be the last we see of Ellery for a while.
Derek’s Pick: Gouging Anklebiters.  I’ll assume their “slow start” for this season is over, and they can start their winning streak now.
Watchability: 1.5 Ibrics

Unicorns (7-5-0-2) at Poutine Machine (10-2-1-1)
Written by Donohue Division correspondent Monica Russo
Location: Tompkins East, 4:30 PM
All-Time Series: Unicorns lead 1-0
Game Notes: Monica is caring for an estranged duck.  Preview coming soon…

Mega Touch (4-9-1) at Mathematics (6-5-2-1)
Written by MacNeil Division correspondent Sven Larsen
Location: Tompkins West, 4:30 PM
All-Time Series: Mathematics lead 7-3-1
Game Notes: BTSH purists have long felt that the soul of Mega Touch was lost when the team abandoned their “When we touch them we touch them bad” cheer. Like “Potvin Sucks” or “Have another doughnut, you fat pig,” it was a classic piece of hockey history, and it’s absence leaves a hole that no amount of Tintin socks can fill. Shame, Mega, shame. Math, on the other hand, are keeping it old school. They’ve never even considered changing the team name to Calculus, Trig or anything else that would suggest they’re more advanced than they were when the team was founded. That respect for the game’s heritage makes me give the edge on this one to Math. Unless, of course, Mega returns to the V-neck and cut off shorts combo that alternatively turns on and repels the opposing team. Then all bets are off.
Watchability: Three gray shirts. These teams are battling for playoff rankings so expect this four-point game to be intense.

HOCKEY NIGHT IN TOMPKINS (National Telecast)
Written by Hockey Night in Tompkins Correspondent Jesse Kalb
LBS, Inc. (9-4-0-1) at What The Puck (8-5-0-1)
Location: Tompkins East, 5:30 PM
All-Time Series: LBS, Inc. leads 9-7
Game Notes: Jesse needs just two more answers to finish last Sunday’s crossword puzzle. Preview coming soon…

HOCKEY NIGHT IN TOMPKINS (Regional Telecast)
Written by Hockey Night in Tompkins Correspondent Jesse Kalb
Filthy Gorgeous (8-6) at Sky Fighters (8-2-2-2)
Location: Tompkins West, 5:30 PM
All-Time Series: Filthy Gorgeous leads 3-1
Game Notes: Jesse has 3 minutes left to diffuse a bomb. Preview coming soon…