With just two weeks remaining in the regular season, the race for the 2011 BTSH scoring title is nearing a conclusion.  Here are the top contenders for this coveted achievement, which guarantees one pull from the media’s Mystery Box at the end of season awards ceremony:

Denis Miciletto, La Famiglia (21 goals): Miciletto has dominated the league this season, compiling a seven-goal cushion over his closest competitor. He has recorded a goal in 13 of La Famiglia’s 15 games and is currently riding a 10-game scoring streak. However, this streak is in some danger of ending during La Famiglia’s last two games. Miciletto will be shooting against two of the league’s top goaltenders in Eric Ramirez (Butchers) and Tim Brown (Poutine Machine). In addition, with La Famiglia having clinched the Donohue Division title already, captain Dave Ladanyi has hinted that Miciletto may only see a handful of shifts per game in order to rest up for the playoffs. Nevertheless, he remains the overwhelming favorite. Odds of winning: 1-10.

Shafiq “Off Black” Perry, La Famiglia (14 goals): Perry has benefited from being Miciletto’s linemate for the 2011 season, taking full advantage of opposing defenses’ focus on BTSH’s scoring leader. However, he is tired of living in his heavily tattooed teammate’s shadow, and Perry has vowed to claim the scoring title for himself, even if it means utilizing the “Jason Eitel method” of hockey, which involves no passing whatsoever. In fact, there are even rumors that Perry has bribed La Famiglia defender, and self-proclaimed league assist leader, Ant “Father Time” Ventolieri not to pass to Miciletto. Ant took the money, but can you really trust him? Odds of winning: 35-1.

“The Charismatic Enigma” Arthur Revechkis, Butchers (14 goals): Although he hasn’t been a strong contender in the scoring race for most of the season, Revechkis has made a serious push in recent weeks. He has scored nine goals in his last five games, propelling him to a tie for second in the league. Although he remains a long shot, Revechkis does have the advantage of facing La Famiglia this week to personally defend Miciletto and Perry, and the good fortune to draw the shaky Elves defense in his final game of the season. Odds of winning: 35-1.

Ben Bloom, Butchers (13 goals): Bloom always seems to find himself in the discussion of BTSH’s top scorers, but he has never been able to finish on top. As usual, his legendary refusal to back check has allowed him to cherry pick double-digit goals, keeping him in the league’s top five scorers. However, if he wishes to be number one, he has a tall mountain to climb, as he must first pass Revechkis, his own teammate. Of course, this means that Bloom will also get a chance to face a suspect Elves defense. Odds of winning: 45-1.

The Field (12 or fewer goals): Although very few players beyond the aforementioned top four have stood out this season, there remains a mathematical chance for anyone to win the scoring race. Some of the notables in this group include 2008′s scoring champion Adriano “Muscles Marinara” Bratta (MT), Gut Rot’s Tom, grizzled veteran Tom MacDonald (WTP), BTSH’s fastest and strongest player David Kenneth Fraser (DD), the heroic Rich Glanzer (HLE), the substantially less heroic Adela Ibric (HLE), goaltender Dan “D.O.” Owens (FG), Mike Haas (PM), and Julie Katz’s pick, the Sky Fighters’ Cory Watkinson. Odds of winning: 75-1.

Three Stars of the Week

Third Star: Eric Ramirez, Butchers. Ramirez recorded his fourth shutout of the 2011 season with a dazzling performance against the vaunted LBS, Inc. offense.  The Butchers’ 5-0 win snapped the team’s two-game losing streak and bumped Eric to fourth in the league with a 1.71 GAA.
Second Star: Courtney, Unicorns.  In the day’s most exciting game, Courtney scored the game-winning goal as time expired in regulation, giving the Unicorns a 4-3 win over Cobra Kai.  The goal came just a minute after Cobra Kai had tied the game, but with the game seemingly headed towards overtime, Courtney connected after receiving a long pass from league face Joe Polowczuk.
First Star: Alex Derhohannesian, Gouging Anklebiters.  Derho’s hat trick led the Gouging Anklebiters, who unveiled a new blue-less jersey on Sunday, to a 5-4 upset of the defending champion Happy Little Elves.  His third goal broke a 4-4 tie with 3:30 remaining in regulation, and the Biters were able to hang on to the lead for their fifth win of the season.

Shaun deLacy GAA Watch Update

This year, due to a series of stupid bets made by Happy Little Elves goalie Shaun deLacy, the media will track his goals against average over the course of the regular season.

Goals Allowed This Week: 5 (vs. Gouging Anklebiters)
Goals Allowed Previously: 43
Goals Allowed This Season: 48
Games Played: 14
Goals Against Average: 3.43
Next Opponent: Filthy Gorgeous (2.67 goals per game)

Shaun turned in another disappointing performance on Sunday, allowing five goals to the Gouging Anklebiters.  His goals against average has now climbed to 3.43 with just two regular season games remaining.  This Sunday, the Happy Little Elves are scheduled to face Filthy Gorgeous, who tallied five goals against the Elves in Week 12.  However, there are several unconfirmed rumors circulating that deLacy may not suit up this weekend anyway.

Know Your Neighbor

Written heroically by Tuques beat reporter Rich Glanzer

Name: Luisa Mirarchi
Team: Dark Rainbows
Suggested Nicknames: Luuuuuuuuuu, Louuuuu S A!! Luuuuuuuuu S A!!
Rejected Nicknames: La-Coo-Ma-Rachi
Origin: Brooklyn, NY
College: Mount Holyoke College
Quote: “My 2nd grade teacher gave me an A-minus instead of an A once. Once.”
First Job: Professional soccer player for the “Olympique” in Lyon, France.
Current Job: Executive at a Brooklyn start-up that raises money for NYC public schools
Current Accomplishments: NY State Chess Champion for her age group, ca. 1995; played professional soccer in Europe!
Current Failures: In 2011, was unable to hold on to her title as Brooklyn Heights beatboxing champion (2006-2010).
Hero(es): Mia Hamm, Jack Bauer, Rem
Reason to Love Her: Scored the regulation goal and an epic shootout goal against Team Moffo at Ocean City, leading Richie’s Kids to a 2-1 victory. (Well…that’s at least why I love her.)
Reason to Hate Her: Ever play against her?? If so, you know what I’m talking about.
Best Known For: Sending multiple people to area hospitals during the co-ed and women’s division tournaments in Ocean City. She always told her teammates how horrible she felt as her victims were taken off on a stretcher.
Fast Fact: She was lying to her teammates.
Favorite Things: Scoring goals, Elves (both the BTSH team and actual Elves), small people, hurting people
Favorite Candy: She never eats candy, but if she did it would be mini 3 Musketeers.
Least Favorite Things: Manute Bol, Zdeno Chara, Ben Chadwick
Hockey Comparison: Mark Pavelich, Jerome Victor Ramos
Non-Hockey Comparison: Hornswoggle, Eddie Gaedel, Danny DeVito, Gary Coleman, Webster
Things The Media Will Continue to Overhype About Her: Fluent in French and Italian, getting there with English
Down the Road: Luisa suffered the ultimate BTSH humiliation this season, losing both the Barnacle Bowl to the Happy Little Elves and the prestigious (yet imaginary) Fairy Tale Cup (also to the Happy Little Elves) with her current team…the Dark Rainbows. Luisa swears revenge against the hated Elves and reaches out to Gina Hackett and Kami Moore, who play for the Elves most hated rivals, the Rehabs. Luisa terrorizes the Elves and the rest of the league for many years. Area hospitals fill with hipsters, which help the economy rebound, as those unemployed vermin are now off the streets. In 2016, President $howT!m3 Melendez steals Luisa from What The Puck and appoints her to Executive of Offense (Luisa is nobody’s secretary). In 2018, after defeating Cuba, the USSR, Peru and Canada in World Wars, $howT!m3 is finally allowed back on the Rehabs by captain Meredith Danberg-Ficarelli, as long as he brings Luisa back with him. Luisa declines the invitation, and President $howT!m3 still does not have a BTSH team. Infuriated, President Melendez fires her from his staff. Thinking every other country in the world is weak, Luisa takes over the country once known as Kamchatka and renames it Luisa. There, she trains an all female-midget army and takes over America, also naming it Luisa. On the outside, Luisa seems like the most powerful and satisfied person in the world, but an E! True Hollywood Story will come out in 2023, revealing the one thing missing in her life is the prestigious (yet imaginary) Fairy Tale Cup. Luisa joins the Unicorns, and they  sweep the Elves, Rainbows and La Tuques Cinderella. Unfortunately, Luisa had the Unicorns switch their name to Luisa, and Derek and Elly rule that they are ineligible to participate in the triangular series. Devastated, much like Diane Johnston, Luisa quits BTSH. Another sad end to a fine career.

GAME OF THE WEEK
Happy Little Elves (4-3-0-2) at Dark Rainbows (5-3-0-1)
Location: Tompkins West, 3:00 PM
All-Time Series: Dark Rainbows lead 4-0
Game Notes: This is the final leg of the triangular series among the Happy Little Elves, Unicorns, and Dark Rainbows for the prestigious (yet imaginary) Fairy Tale Cup.   Two weeks ago, in the first leg, the Happy Little Elves rallied from a two-goal second half deficit to defeat the Unicorns 4-3 in a shootout.  Last week, in the second leg, the Unicorns dominated the Dark Rainbows and came away with a convincing 5-1 victory.  As a result, the 2010 champions, the Dark Rainbows, cannot maintain possession of the Fairy Tale Cup.  The Happy Little Elves, on the other hand, need just one point to clinch the Cup for the first time in franchise history.  However, a Rainbows regulation win would mean that the Unicorns would claim the Cup for the third time since the series started in 2008.
Keys To The Game:
1. Possibly looking ahead to this critical game, Elves goaltender Shaun deLacy played his worst game of the season last week, allowing five goals to the Corlears Hookers.  Elves captain Rich Glanzer has made it clear to deLacy that if he struggles early, Glanzer will immediately sub in the team’s backup goalie…himself.
2. The Dark Rainbows enter this matchup on a three-game losing streak.  They are looking to reverse this recent trend and would love to play spoiler for the Elves’ Cup hopes.  Captain Sean Reynolds notes, “We’ll pay off the refs if we have to.”
3. Should the Elves win, the team will be in possession of the BTSH championship trophy, the Barnacle Bowl,  and the Fairy Tale Cup.  “The Chairman” Ben Chadwick is furiously working on building a bigger trophy case to display these honors, not realizing that two of them are imaginary.
Eli’s Pick: Happy Little Elves.  I am the Elves’ guest captain this week, so picking the Dark Rainbows would be a conflict of interest.
Derek’s Pick: No pick.  I have to remain neutral as the ref of this game, and I know my non-pick will upset Hockey Rich.
Watchability: 4 Nakaharas.  One way or another, history will be made.

Gouging Anklebiters (2-7) at Mathematics (3-5-1)
Written by MacNeil Division correspondent Sven Larsen
Location: Tompkins East, 1:00 PM
All-Time Series: Mathematics lead 5-2
Game Notes: Two teams looking to turn their seasons around collide this Sunday in a crucial 4-point game. Both teams are coming off of strong wins last Sunday so the question to ask is which Sleeping Giant has really been awakened? Math stalwart Eli “The Calculator” Kazin employed a sophisticated new algorithm to pot his first goal of the season against Gut Rot. But Annika Sweetland’s repeated sacrifices to the Norse thunder god Thor (made up mainly of pouring buckets of movie theater popcorn on the heads of anyone unlucky enough to sit next to her during her repeated viewings of the summer blockbuster) paid off as she found the back of the net for the first time this season as well. Will Kazin be able to hold off the Winklevoss Twins’ legal team long enough to keep Math on the winning tack? Or will Anklebiters Captain Phil Donohue’s screening of his complete set of Hagar the Horrible DVDs inspire “Sweets” to new heights? Tune in Sunday for the answer.
Sven’s Pick: Too close to call.
Watchability: Three and a half Mjolnirs

Sky Fighters (5-2-1-1) at La Famiglia (6-0-1-2)
Written by Tuques correspondent Rich Glanzer
Location: Tompkins West, 1:00 PM
All-Time Series: Sky Fighters lead 7-6
Game Notes: Tuques Arena will surely be the place to be this Sunday as the Tuques-Sky Fighters matchup promises to be a close one. There are reasons to pick both teams. For the Tuques, is anyone more on fire than Denis Miciletto? Four goals last game and a league leading 13. And if Denis can’t light the prestigious (yet imaginary) lamp, then the Tuques can rely on Shafiq Perry, who is second in BTSH with 10 goals. However, scoring won’t be easy with a tenacious Sky Fighters forecheck, Martin Cejka on D, and James Stein in the net. This game really comes down to one variable: which team has Brian Ferry? Unfortunately for the Tuques, it’s them. Brian’s best days are looooong gone, and they weren’t that good when they were here. In his autobiography, My Beard Is My Only Friend, Ferry says, “My career hockey highlight is leading the 2008 Elves in plus/minus.” This is true. However, what he left out was he was a -64.
Rich’s Pick: Expect the fans to go home unhappy, as the Sky Fighters pull out a 4-2 victory.

Denim Demons (5-3-0-1) at Tompkins Square Riots (2-7)
Location: Tompkins East, 2:00 PM
All-Time Series: First Meeting
Game Notes: The Denim Demons welcomed back Mike Pereira last Sunday, but the presence of their second-leading scorer from 2010 was not enough as the Demons fell to What The Puck 6-2. The loss snapped a three-game winning streak, and also ended a six-game stretch where the Demons allowed one goal or less per game. The Riots, meanwhile, lost to La Famiglia 7-4 last Sunday, which was their third loss in a row, and the sixth time they have allowed five or more goals in a game.
Eli’s Pick: Denim Demons
Derek’s Pick: Denim Demons. Now that Pereira is back, they should return to the form that won them two consecutive Prince of Weyersberg trophies.
Watchability: 3 Nakaharas

Filthy Gorgeous (5-4) at Mega Touch (3-5-1)
Location: Tompkins West, 2:00 PM
All-Time Series: Filthy Gorgeous leads 5-1
Game Notes: Filthy Gorgeous continued its winning ways last weekend with a solid 2-1 victory against Fresh Kills.  The win marked Filthy’s fourth in a row, and the team is now just two points behind the Corlears Hookers for first place in the Rubens Division.  After an impressive 6-3 triumph against the Anklebiters in Week 9, Mega Touch could only muster one goal in Week 10 en route to a 1-1 tie with the Butchers.
Eli’s Pick: Filthy Gorgeous.  How did this team lose four games in a row earlier this season?
Derek’s Pick: Filthy Gorgeous
Watchability: 2.5 Nakaharas

What The Puck (7-1-0-1) at Butchers (5-3-1)
Written by Donohue Division correspondent Monica Russo
Location: Tompkins East, 3:00 PM
All-Time Series: What The Puck leads 1-0
Game Notes: The swinging singles* that are the Butchers face family-value-oriented What The Puck this week. While Rachel Greene, Creamy DiMotta, Ben Bloom and the like nurse their hangovers, Larry Zimmer, Corey Winters, and the rest of the WTP crew will just be nursing on the sidelines with their farm team of rugrats. Which will prove to be more detrimental? It’s rock n’ roll vs. rock-a-bye baby. It’s tats vs. … um … baby mats? You see where I’m going with this.
Monica’s Pick: WTP. The Butchers have pulled off some crazy upsets before, but I think WTP has it this time.
Watchability: 4.8 Russo-Larsens.

* I have no idea if anyone on the Butchers is married. I don’t care to know. It works for the point I’m trying to make, folks.

Rehabs (1-6-0-2) at Gut Rot (1-8)
Written by Rubens Division correspondent Abby “Tayne” Meisterman
Location: Tompkins East, 4:30 PM
All-Time Series: First Meeting
Game Notes: This is the first meeting between the teams holding on to the bottom of the top and the bottom of the bottom divisions, respectively. Though the Rehabs have not been doing so well since their promotion to the Rubens division, Gut Rot has continued to perform as it always has, playing for playing’s sake. Thus, backed by 5th ranked goalie, Hilary Meyer, the Rehabs will look to break their three-game losing streak. Gut Rot may look to Buffy the Vampire Slayer Season 7 for inspiration: “from beneath you, it devours.”
Abby’s Pick: Rehabs
Watchability: Meh. You can drink at least two Miller High Lifes at the bar in the time it takes this game to reach its conclusion.

Fresh Kills (6-2-1) at Unicorns (5-2-0-2)
Written by Hackett Division correspondent Dr. Byron Clavicle
Location: Tompkins West, 4:30 PM
All-Time Series: Unicorns lead 5-4-1
Game Notes: Dr. Byron Clavicle was busy rescuing a Winnebago full off Canucks fans that drove off the Goethals Bridge, so he outsourced this write-up to his cousin Björn Carlsqvistsson, who lives in the remote village of Börkenørk, Sweden.  Chef Carlsqvïstsson writes: “Neëzzer oof deezer teamies haff der biggy-edgy-skory in der standingers. Der team what winny-winny will be der öona what practeêces moora der boom-boom und der schot-schtoppinging. Becoose-a I’m in der Svensky-Svensk, I schluredly coonta tella hooa moocha practeeces eeder team doon dooden. My-a boökkie in Trellebork’s geeffing 3 pooents. I’m tekking der under und hooping fur a dooble-a payoot! Feennel predeection: Frish Keells 1-0! Und noo I’m oof ta smacken der Finnlanderers. Börk börk börk!”
Translation: It’s a close call and he can’t say which team is better prepared.  His bookie in Trellebörg predicts 3 goals, but Carlsqvïstsson’s taking the under and hoping for a 1 goal game, and now he’s off to beat up some Finns.
Björn Carlsqvïstsson’s Pick: Fresh Kills 1-0
Watchability: 4 Spring Chickens

HOCKEY NIGHT IN TOMPKINS (National Telecast)
Written by Hockey Night in Tompkins Correspondent Jesse Kalb
LBS, Inc. (6-2-0-1) at Corlears Hookers (6-3)
Location: Tompkins East, 5:30 PM
All-Time Series: Corlears Hookers lead 3-1
Game Notes: Another game, another big win for the Hookers last week. Seriously, 5-0 over the defending champs? If only they could make that happen in the playoffs, they might be somewhere. As the dear departed George Steinbrenner once said about Dave Winfield, these guys are Mr. May. The Lbs. Corporation continues to hold its own in a tough division. That mediocre goal differential might come back to haunt them this week, however. These are two top teams duking it out in what could be an early playoff preview.
Vegas Line: Hookers by 1
Jesse the Greek says: It’s still early in the season. Hookers and lay the points.
Watchability: 4.5 back issues of The National

HOCKEY NIGHT IN TOMPKINS (Regional Telecast)
Written by Hockey Night in Tompkins Correspondent Jesse Kalb
Poutine Machine (5-2-1-1) at Cobra Kai (4-3-1-1)
Location: Tompkins West, 5:30 PM
All-Time Series: First Meeting
Game Notes: The Dojo, touted last week as an up-and-comer in the surprisingly competitive Donohue Division, went out last week and laid an egg against the (then) 1-7 Anklebiters. Thanks for making me look like a genius, guys. They are still clearly in the mix as a team to make some noise, but now they face a Poutine squad that is currently running away with the MacNeil Division. Granted, that’s like owning hotels on Baltic and Mediterranean, but you can’t really argue with a 5-point division lead after 9 games. Tired of the team’s underperforming ways, things turned around for the Machine when captain Sven Larsen threatened to quit and follow his dream of fronting a Wilson Phillips tribute band.
Vegas Line: Poutine by 1.5
Jesse the Greek says: Take the points. Poutine pulls out the W, but it will be close.
Watchability: 4 Fleetwood Mac covers

GAME OF THE WEEK
What The Puck (5-0-0-1) at Dark Rainbows (5-0-0-1)
Location: Tompkins East, 4:30 PM
All-Time Series: What The Puck leads 6-5
Game Notes: The top two teams in BTSH face off in a battle for first place in the Hackett Division.  What The Puck’s offseason additions have assimilated into Larry “Mad Dog” Zimmer’s game plan extremely quickly, resulting in a five-game winning streak.  The team boasts the top offense in the league, averaging five goals a game, which is a full goal more than any other team.  Despite the boost from the new arrivals, however, it is WTP’s cagey veteran, defender Darrell “Accurate Bob” Hartman, who has led the scoring with seven goals on the season.  Unlike their opponents, the Dark Rainbows’ roster changed little during the offseason.  As a result of this stability, the Rainbows opened the season with a four-game winning streak and have yielded the third fewest goals in BTSH.  Goaltender John Meyer currently ranks fourth in the league with a 1.33 GAA, and he has not allowed more than two goals in a game this season.  Meyer and the Rainbows will face their stiffest challenge to date when they go head to head with the relentless What The Puck offense this Sunday.
Keys To The Game:
1. What The Puck has used three different goaltenders this season, each winning at least one game for the team.  This speaks to both the team’s versatility in having several capable options, as well as its raw ability to light up the scoreboard regardless of who’s between the pipes.
2. The Rainbows’ 3-2 win over Poutine Machine last week stands as a true testament to the team’s resiliency.  Trailing by one late in the second half, the Rainbows scored twice in the last 4:30 to comeback against the MacNeil Division leaders.
3. As a special treat for fans of these two teams (yes, even What The Puck has fans), halftime will feature an exhibition game among the several dozen children who are usually in attendance at these teams’ games.  Baby John Nielsen is expected to lead the Mini-Rainbows to victory.
Eli’s Pick: What The Puck.  They look unstoppable right now.
Derek’s Pick: What The Puck.  Mad Dog won’t rest until he wins the division.
Watchability: 5 Starks.  These are the top two teams in the league.  What else do you want?

Denim Demons (3-2-0-1) at Sky Fighters (3-2-0-1)
Written by Early Game Correspondent Will Kuhns
Location: Tompkins East, 1:00 PM
All-Time Series: Denim Demons lead 6-2
Game Notes: Will is in Montreal on business.  Preview coming soon…

Mathematics (2-3-1) at Gut Rot (0-6)
Written by Early Game Correspondent Will Kuhns
Location: Tompkins West, 1:00 PM
All-Time Series: Mathematics lead 1-0
Game Notes: Will is learning French with Rosetta Stone.  Preview coming soon…

Poutine Machine (3-2-1) at La Famiglia (3-0-1-2)
Location: Tompkins East, 2:00 PM
All-Time Series: La Famiglia leads 1-0
Game Notes: Division leaders collide in this Schumacher Conference showdown.  Despite a loss to the Dark Rainbows last week, Poutine Machine is two points ahead of the Mathematics for control of the MacNeil Division.  La Famiglia moved into a tie with the Unicorns for the top spot in the Donohue Division following a 9-2 thrashing of Gut Rot.
Eli’s Pick: La Famiglia
Derek’s Pick: La Famiglia.  Although I expect Poutine’s Tim Brown to hold them to fewer than nine, the offense has too much firepower.
Watchability: 3.5 Starks

Cobra Kai (3-1-1-1) at Mega Touch (2-4)
Location: Tompkins West, 2:00 PM
All-Time Series: Cobra Kai leads 5-0
Game Notes: Both of these teams head into this inter-division contest with hopes of rebounding from tough Week 6 defeats.  Although Cobra Kai battled Fresh Kills to overtime in the Game of the Week, the Dojo couldn’t seal the victory, as Kills captain Dave Sokolyansky scored the game-winner early in the extra period.  While Adriano “Muscles Marinara” Bratta scored once against his former team, the effort went for naught, and Mega Touch lost to What The Puck 7-3.
Eli’s Pick: No pick. Eli will be reffing this game.
Derek’s Pick: Cobra Kai.  Mega Touch will have to wait another year before they win their first game against the Dojo.
Watchability: 3 Starks

Butchers (4-2) at Happy Little Elves (2-2-0-2)
Location: Tompkins East, 3:00 PM
All-Time Series: First Meeting
Game Notes: The Butchers have allowed just two goals in their past three games (all wins) and currently boast the league’s second-ranked defense.  Despite just two wins through six games, the Happy Little Elves are tied for the league’s second best offense.  However, they have also allowed the fourth most goals in BTSH and have won just one game since the inception of their guest captain program.
Eli’s Pick: Butchers.  Go meat!
Derek’s Pick: Happy Little Elves.  Joe Polowczuk is not on the Butchers.
Watchability: 3.5 Starks

Fresh Kills (5-1) at LBS, Inc. (4-1-0-1)
Location: Tompkins West, 3:00 PM
All-Time Series: Fresh Kills leads 12-5
Game Notes: Both Fresh Kills and LBS, Inc. enter this Hackett Division matchup on four-game winning streaks, with each victorious in overtime last Sunday.  Fresh Kills, behind captain Dave Sokolyansky’s two goals, including the overtime game-winner, beat Cobra Kai 4-3.  The Corporation’s Tommy Capatosta scored all five goals in his team’s 5-4 victory over the Sky Fighters.
Eli’s Pick: Fresh Kills.  Tommy can’t score five goals again, can he?
Derek’s Pick: LBS, Inc.  Probably not, but I’ll still take them.
Watchability: 4.5 Starks

Tompkins Square Riots (2-4) at Corlears Hookers (4-2)
Location: Tompkins West, 4:30 PM
All-Time Series: First Meeting
Game Notes: The Corlears Hookers are in the midst of a rare two-game losing streak, having scored just one goal in the last couple of weeks.  Although the Tompkins Square Riots have struggled this season, they shocked the Unicorns last week with a decisive defensive effort, resulting in a 2-1 shootout win.
Eli’s Pick: Corlears Hookers.  I don’t think they’ve ever lost three in a row.
Derek’s Pick: Corlears Hookers
Watchability: 2.5 Starks

HOCKEY NIGHT IN TOMPKINS (National Telecast)
Written by Hockey Night in Tompkins Correspondent Jesse Kalb
Unicorns (4-1-0-1) at Rehabs (1-5)
Location: Tompkins East, 5:30 PM
All-Time Series: Rehabs lead 11-6-1
Game Notes: Jesse is filling out an application to manage a small Pennsylvania paper and printer company.  Preview coming soon…

HOCKEY NIGHT IN TOMPKINS (Regional Telecast)
Written by Hockey Night in Tompkins Correspondent Jesse Kalb
Gouging Anklebiters (1-5) at Filthy Gorgeous (2-4)
Location: Tompkins West, 5:30 PM
All-Time Series: Filthy Gorgeous leads 7-2
Game Notes: Jesse is lecturing middle schoolers about the evils of drugs.  Preview coming soon…

GAME OF THE WEEK
LBS, Inc. (2-1-0-1) at Dark Rainbows (4-0)
Location: Tompkins East, 2:00 PM
All-Time Series: LBS, Inc. leads 7-6-1
Game Notes: Two BTSH mainstays clash in this highly anticipated Hackett Division matchup.  Despite tallying three goals in each of its first two games, LBS, Inc. started the season slowly, earning just one point during this stretch.  However, the defense buckled down, and the Corporation rebounded with wins against Filthy Gorgeous and the Tompkins Square Riots.  The offense has largely revolved around the Ken-Karsten-Karen line (Poulin, Pichon, and Erickson), which has produced eight of the team’s 13 goals.  Although the line previously had a nickname, the Corporation’s public relations department quickly nixed it due to negative press.  For the Dark Rainbows, their early season returns have been overwhelmingly positive.  At 4-0, they are one of three teams with four wins and boast the third best goal differential in BTSH.  The team currently sits in first place in the extremely competitive Hackett Division, bolstered by divisional wins against the Sky Fighters and Fresh Kills.  LBS, Inc. will be the Rainbows’ third Hackett game of the season.  Can they remain undefeated in the division and overall?
Keys To The Game:
1. LBS, Inc. new hire Lawrence Goldstein has made a good early impression on his bosses with three goals on the season.  As veterans Ken and Karsten see their pensions continue to grow, the Corporation will look to his leadership in the upcoming fiscal years.
2. Goaltender John Meyer has been sparkling between the pipes for the Dark Rainbows, allowing just four goals in four games.  He already has one shutout on the season, and his steady performance has allowed captain Sean Reynolds to successfully implement his “run and chase” style of offense.
3. Reynolds recently made a shrewd mid-season pickup with the acquisition of Luisa Mirarchi, formerly of Cobra Kai.  In addition to boosting his own team, Reynolds infuriated fellow Hackett Division captain Larry “Mad Dog” Zimmer of What The Puck.  Zimmer, who has always prided himself on being a step ahead of his peers, was busy scouting Rehabs defender Meredith Danberg-Ficarelli to bolster his blue line.
Eli’s Pick: Dark Rainbows.  May Day is John Nielsen’s favorite holiday.
Derek’s Pick: Dark Rainbows.  This win would officially propel the Rainbows back into BTSH’s elite.
Watchability: 4 Rudds.  Both teams are playing great hockey right now, and divisional pride is at stake.

What The Puck (3-0-0-1) at Filthy Gorgeous (1-3)
Location: Tompkins East, 1:00 PM
All-Time Series: Filthy Gorgeous leads 5-2
Game Notes: These traditional powerhouses enter this game headed in opposite directions.  What The Puck has won its last three games, each with a different player in goal (Corey “Chongo” Winters, Anthony Romeo, and Roderick “Guy LeDouche” Cruz).  Filthy Gorgeous has lost its last three games, scoring just one goal in each contest.
Eli’s Pick: What The Puck.  The respective streaks continue.
Derek’s Pick: What The Puck
Watchability: 3 Rudds

Rehabs (0-4) at La Famiglia (1-0-1-2)
Location: Tompkins West, 1:00 PM
All-Time Series: Rehabs lead 7-5
Game Notes: The week off from hockey came at the right time for the Rehabs, who remain one of two winless teams in BTSH.  Their last loss was potentially the most heartbreaking, as they fell to their arch-rivals, the Denim Demons, in a 1-0 thriller.  La Famiglia has had a rather bittersweet season thus far.  Although the team has earned points in all four games, it has only one win to show for its efforts.
Eli’s Pick: Rehabs.  Despite their record, the defense has played well so far.
Derek’s Pick: La Famiglia.  They have caught a lot of bad breaks in their first few games, so their luck is bound to even out.
Watchability: 3.5 Rudds

Mathematics (1-2-1) at Mega Touch (2-2)
Location: Tompkins West, 2:00 PM
All-Time Series: Mathematics lead 6-3-1
Game Notes: The Mathematics have struggled in their last two contests, suffering shutout losses at the hands of Cobra Kai and the Unicorns.  Mega Touch, on the other hand, is still on a high from their last game, a stunning upset of the defending champion Happy Little Elves.
Watchability: 3 Rudds.  Joe Lops’ calves are worth a Rudd by themselves.

Corlears Hookers (4-0) at Fresh Kills (3-1)
Location: Tompkins East, 3:00 PM
All-Time Series: Corlears Hookers lead 4-2
Game Notes: As a direct result of Hookers forward Jason Eitel’s new commitment to passing, teammate Matt Zimmerman now leads BTSH with five goals.  This new philosophy has helped boost the Hookers to remain undefeated, and has kept Mrs. Eitel very happy about her son’s generosity.
Eli’s Pick: Fresh Kills.  They’ve adjusted well to Weyersberg Conference play.
Derek’s Pick: Corlears Hookers. Perennial third liner Albert “Al” Huang has also committed to a new philosophy: not cheating.
Watchability: 4 Rudds

Poutine Machine (2-1-1) at Gut Rot (0-4)
Location: Tompkins West, 3:00 PM
All-Time Series: Poutine Machine leads 2-0
Game Notes: Although Poutine Machine lost to What The Puck 5-3 in its last contest, the game proved that Poutine can compete with BTSH’s elite.  The MacNeil Division leaders can take another step in the right direction with a win over divisional foe Gut Rot.  Gut Rot enters this contest still looking for its first win, but has yet to play a divisionaWl game.
Eli’s Pick: Poutine Machine.  If they are for real, they don’t lose this game.
Derek’s Pick: Gut Rot.  They’ve played some close games, and are due for their first win.
Watchability: 2.5 Rudds

Tompkins Square Riots (1-3) at Cobra Kai (2-1-1)
Written by Preview Correspondent Will Kuhns
Location: Tompkins East, 4:30 PM
All-Time Series: Tompkins Square Riots lead 1-0
Game Notes: Will is sitting in the green room, waiting to be drafted.  Preview coming soon…

Sky Fighters (2-2) at Gouging Anklebiters (1-3)
Written by Preview Correspondent Will Kuhns
Location: Tompkins West, 4:30 PM
All-Time Series: Sky Fighters lead 8-4
Game Notes: Will is getting a mani/pedi.  Preview coming soon…

HOCKEY NIGHT IN TOMPKINS (National Telecast)
Written by Hockey Night in Tompkins Correspondent Jesse Kalb
Unicorns (4-0) at Butchers (2-2)
Location: Tompkins West, 5:30 PM
All-Time Series: First Meeting
Game Notes: The Unicorns are a Force of Nature. You can’t stop them; you can barely hope to contain them. The Butchers rank near the bottom of the league in scoring, and with Unis goalie Craig LaCombe doing his best Vladislav Tretiak impersonation, it could be a long afternoon for Team Meat.
Vegas Line: Horned ones by 2
Jesse the Greek says: Give the points. The Butchers have no chance.
Watchability: 2 Red Army-issue jock straps

HOCKEY NIGHT IN TOMPKINS (Regional Telecast)
Written by Hockey Night in Tompkins Correspondent Jesse Kalb
Happy Little Elves (1-1-0-2) at Denim Demons (2-2)
Location: Tompkins East, 5:30 PM
All-Time Series: Tied 2-2
Game Notes: A matchup that finds two elite BTSH franchises scuffling in the early going, with middling records and identical minus-1 goal differentials. The Demons seem to be sleepwalking through the early part of the schedule, perhaps thinking they will flip the switch at some point this summer and return to their dominant 2010 ways. The Elves may be forgiven for having a championship hangover, though maybe if captain Rich Glanzer spent a little less time trying to be Mickey Spillane and hassling people about repairing his trophy, his team would be doing a little better. Just sayin.
Vegas Line: Elves by 1
Jesse the Greek says: Take the point. Demons get healthy this week.
Watchability: 3.5 Mike Hammer novels

Color: Pink
Year Founded: 2004
2010 Regular Season Finish: 8-6-0-2 (4th, Hackett Division; 10th overall)
2010 Playoff Result: Lost to Sky Fighters in round of 16
Conference: Weyersberg
Division: Hackett
2010 Leading Scorer: John Nielsen, 12 goals
Team Song: Maino ft. T-Pain – All The Above
Key Additions: Robert Ee-lee, Ali Fischer, Jenna Flateman, Saburah Posner (all free agency)
Key Losses: Yui Lewis “And the News”, Dan “Danny Abs” Abdo

The Dark Rainbows struggled out of the gate in 2010 with losses in each of their first three games.  However, the team rebounded quickly with wins in seven of their next nine games, including two against the Happy Little Elves and one against the Unicorns to clinch the prestigious (yet imaginary) Fairy Tale Cup.  Despite this run, the team faltered towards the end of the season and could only muster a fourth place finish in the Hackett Division.  Championship hopes ended in the Rainbows’ first playoff contest, when they lost to the Sky Fighters for the third time in 2010 in a 2-1 heartbreaker.

“Last year blew,” noted the Rainbows’ loquacious captain Sean Reynolds.  Clearly, the team has been feeling frustrated as of late.  Despite the immense achievement of capturing their first Fairy Tale Cup in 2010 (which Reynolds claims he pawned), the team is starting to feel pressure from its boosters.  Since the Dark Rainbows’ amazing championship run in 2007, the team has won just one playoff game, a 2-1 squeaker over the Mighty Squirrels in 2008.  Certainly, the last few seasons have been disappointing.

Nevertheless, Reynolds remains optimistic about his team’s chances for 2011.  He proclaims, “The division of past champions (the Hackett Division) will be dominated by the new ‘run and chase’ style of the Rainbows.”  Whether Reynolds’ new offense can conquer the division remains to be seen, but he makes an important point that every team in the Hackett Division has previously won at least one BTSH championship: Dark Rainbows (2007), Fresh Kills (2008), LBS, Inc. (F2003, 2004), Sky Fighters (S2003, 2009), and What The Puck (F2002, 2006).  With this history of success, the Hackett Division may prove to be the toughest in BTSH.

Entity They Resemble, According to Rich Glanzer: Jack “Cap” Rooney (old QB from Any Given Sunday). Cap is a former champion on his last legs. He’s still good enough to beat any team one time, but too old to do it on a consistent basis. The Rainbows are the holder of the prestigious (yet imaginary) Fairy Tale Cup. They can play their best for two games and beat the Unicorns and Elves, but a four game winning streak against the elite BTSH teams is a stretch at this point.
Fast Fact: In 1999, P.T. Walkley legally changed his name to James “Jim” West after his favorite movie character.  He changed it back in 2001.

ROSTER
Jennie Brown
John Cassidy
Mike Dudolevitch
Robert Ee-lee
Ali Fischer
Jenna Flateman
Lindsay Foehrenbach
Jesse Gerstein
Libby Hartle-Tyrrell
Janica Lee
John Meyer
John Nielsen
Saburah Posner
Sean Reynolds (C)
Jon Rudd
Brad Thomason
Trevor “White Jesus” Tyrrell
Michel Walkley
P.T. Walkley
Josh Wilson