Hopefully, Cobra Kai Doesn’t Have Any Loose Photos Of The Media
For the first time since his free agent signing with What The Puck, former Cobra Kai member Adriano “Muscles Marinara” Bratta took on his former team on Sunday.  Still upset at the 2008 regular season scoring champion for deserting the team, the Kais had some tricks up their sleeves for Bratta.  On the second shift of the game, the Dojo unveiled its “5 Adrianos” formation, consisting of five players all with cutouts of Muscles’ face poorly taped to their chests. Captains Enayet “Retail” Rasul and Greg ”Lysol” Altman even convinced stand-in goalie Minkus to partake in the charade.  Although the mind games worked well enough to hold Bratta to only one goal, What The Puck still won the game 7-3 or 8-3, depending whom you ask.
 

“We’ve been wearing white since this league was initiated!”
Adding another chapter to an already storied rivalry, Mexican Standoff was up to its usual shenanigans against LBS, Inc. during Hockey Night in Tompkins.  As the home team, Peaches’ crew elected to wear its white jersey, despite having a multitude of other options, a decision that forced LBS, Inc. to don atypical dark jerseys for the game.  In addition, Standoff player Ben sported a LBS-like white collared shirt under his Standoff jersey, which only added fuel to the fire.  LBS, Inc. was clearly disoriented in its makeshift uniforms, as the team stumbled out of the gate and allowed Standoff to take an early 1-0 lead.  Corporation member Karsten Pichon noted, “At one point, I passed to the wrong team, because I’m so used to passing to white.”  Although LBS, Inc. eventually came back to win the game, the team remains miffed.

A Special Message from Hector “Jam3$ Joyc3″ Melendez

The Elves did what past teams haven’t been able to do: get a lead and hold on to it against us. This isn’t kissing anyone’s ass, but the Elves gave us a run for our money. I guess, overall, you can call the Happy Little Elves the “$how$topp3r$” from now on. But then again, we do play one more time. Who will win??? You have to wait and see. Hope Nicole gets better, and Randy’s text message after was worth the laugh out loud on my train ride home, as he never texts me.

Know Your Neighbor

Name: Alex Eben Meyer
Team: Mega Touch
Nickname: Coop
Rejected Nicknames: Co-op, The Flying Tomato, Oscar Meyer, Rasputin
Origin: Philadelphia, PA
Hair: Curly
College: Washington University in St. Louis
Early Aspirations: To be a jock who torments nerds
First Job: Security guard at the Liberty Bell
Current Job: Freelance illustrator
Hero: Rocky Balboa
Reason to Love Him: He’s the webmaster for btsh.org.
Reason to Hate Him: Whenever eben.com goes down, btsh.org mysteriously goes with it.
Fast Fact: He claims to have scored a goal by shooting the ball “through” Craig “Ug” LaCombe’s head.
Favorite Things: Martin Biron, cheesesteaks, foul language, bicycles
Favorite Mega Touch Teammate: Joe Lops
Least Favorite Things: Pittsburgh Penguins, haircuts, Santa Claus, pork Best Known For: Winning the Brendan “Flounder” Hay Memorial Award in 2007.
Hockey Comparison: Scott Hartnell
Non-Hockey Comparison: Sideshow Bob
Things the Media Will Continue to Overhype about Him: He’s the fastest gunslinger in the West.
Down the Road: Disenchanted with society’s increasing amount of materialism and ever growing dependence on technology, Coop retires to a simpler life in the Amish Country.  While there, he adapts to the lifestyle quickly and begins to enjoy the 4 AM wakeups, the barnraises, and the 20-hours work days.  However, to satisfy his desire for recreational outlets in his one free hour a day, Coop establishes ESH: Eben Street Hockey.  He captains a team named the Mega Taste, which finishes second to last in the league, only in front of the Moderately Pleased Little Elves.

…and hence, the team name.

 

2008 BTSH Ladies All-Star Party from Erik Price (filmed by Len Guinto) on Vimeo.
 
Three Wheels Are Better Than Two
Just prior to the start of the Women’s All-Star Game, the (potentially) First Annual BTSH Tricycle Race commenced, as all five entrants chugged a beer to determine which trike each one would ride.  Once each participant had his vehicle, the three-beer, three-lap race officially started when the five competitors, as well as self-appointed race official Bryan “Stork” Welch, drank their second beer.  Dan Owens (Filthy Gorgeous) was declared the winner in a photo finish, after he stormed past runner-up James Townsend-Butterworth (Sky Fighters), who dogged it to the finish line, believing his victory was already secure.  However, James’s efforts should still be commended as his front wheel broke off early in the race, thus requiring the assistance of teammate Chris Shumaker.  Although Alex “Coop” Eben Meyer (Bad Touch) finished third, he was soundly booed for his blatant cheating.  Erik Price (Mexican Standoff) finished in fourth place, despite jumping out to an early lead.  Rob Gorden (Mighty Squirrels) struggled to down his first beer in one gulp and brought up the rear, even with Amy Kovner (Gouging Anklebiters) pushing him from behind.  There will be an awards ceremony for the race at the Johnson’s this Sunday evening.

The only item missing from the race was a bullhorn for announcing purposes.  Jefferson Hendricks had his sister bring one down from his parents’ house in Albany, but could not resist using his new toy on Saturday evening.  It was confiscated by police at 3:00 AM, and he was issued a summons for using a sound production device without a permit.

For a different, and slightly Sky Fighters biased view of the race, check out Samantha Lee’s video here.

Even NYC’s Finest Wanted to Watch
Directly following the tricycle race, it was time for the main event (must be the main event, since we’re giving it such good coverage): the Women’s All-Star Game. The lovely ladies of BTSH were divided into the TRIS and the DELTS, in accordance with the Revenge of the Nerds theme. The game commenced with fast-paced multi-ball action, but with head ref, Bryan “Stork” Welch, potentially tipsy and certainly paying attention elsewhere, none of those goals counted in the final tally.  Thus, the real game began about five minutes later.  Once the serious action began, the ladies were finally able to showcase their immense skill. In the end, the DELTS triumphed by a score of 2-1. Special congratulations to Liza Watts, who played in goal for the DELTS.

Know Your Neighbors

Name: Amy Lott
Team: Sky Fighters
Nickname: none
Suggested Nickname: The Glamazon
Rejected Nicknames: Blotter, That Girl on Martin’s Team, Parking
Origin: Cincinnati, Ohio
College: University of Cincinnati
Early Aspirations: To be a rocket scientist
Reason to Love Her: Her lighthearted, joyous demeanor and unwavering zest for life
Reason to Hate Her: She was talkin’ smack about your mom.
Fast Fact: She lived in San Francisco for four years, until they kicked her out.
Favorite Things: Beer, dirty words, Bob Huggins, and herself
Best Known For: Getting the media in trouble with her potty mouth
Pro Comparison: Brian Smolinski…another Buckeye known for his offensive prowess.
Non-Pro Comparison: Zsa Zsa Gabor.  Both are pretty much famous just for being famous.  And of course, the whole nine husbands thing.
Dirtiest Political Campaign: Her battle for ninth grade class treasurer at Jerry Springer High School…but at least, she won.
Things the Media Will Continue to Overhype about Her:  Her unending use of vulgar language.  You should have heard some of the other suggestions for the Happy Little Elves’ new team name.
Down the Road: Amy figures out a way to fill every starting spot on her team with herself.  However, the Sky Fighters still win the championship, because she leaves Martin Cejka on the bench as a backup. 

Captains’ Commendations

Bad Touch: Randy Locklair from Mexican Standoff volunteered to play in goal.
Cobra Kai: After hemming and hawing for a good minute, Peter Oblamski said, “Give it to me. It’s my birthday. Fuck it.”
Corlears Hookers: Mexican Standoff agreed to play out the remaining two minutes of regulation time, even after the mercy rule had been applied.
Dark Rainbows: Libby Hartle-Tyrrell took a stick to the chin, which left a bruise.
Denim Demons: Lena Moy-Borgen had the assist on Zack Tinkelman’s game-tying goal, with the goalie pulled and thirty seconds remaining in regulation.
Gouging Anklebiters: Alex Owen “strapped on goalie gear in ninety-five degree bullshit.”
Happy Little Elves: Jason Fate kicked ass and had some really beautiful saves.
Filthy Gorgeous: Monica Russo picked herself for looking so good.
Fresh Kills: Third-string goalie Bob “Olmec” Weyersberg played well and is threatening to take over second-string duties from Shane-O DeBlasio.
LBS: Despite the fact that he’s old and overweight, is a smoker and an alchoholic, and struggles with personal hygiene, Seth Wachtell beat the heat and stayed strong.
Mathematics: “Peter ‘Ski’ Oblamski deserves mention, because it’s his birthday, and I know he’d be too modest to mention it himself.” – Derek Tagliarino
Mighty Squirrels: Rachel “A-Korn” Greene took one of Martin’s shots in the crotch, and her reaction was “Ow! That’s my s%@#&!” Craig was unvailable for comment.
Rehabs: Kami Moore showed up to support the team, despite being on crutches.
Sky Fighters: “Rob [Kucera] held the offense together, had like forty shots, and looks good because he lost the ponytail.” – A. Lott
Tuques: Ken Rosenkrantz, normally a defenseman, earned his first win in goal.
Unicorns: Craig (“Ug”) kept the score as low as it was.

Mexican Standoff Finally Lets Loose
As a dry practice run for the upcoming courtside party on June 1 (which Jefferson Hendricks is really working hard on), Mexican Standoff threw an open Cinco De Mayo Party on Sunday.  Festivities included a “Mustache vs. Non-Mustache” intra-team scrimmage, a chips and salsa station, and a piñata.  The action climaxed when Mexican Standoff finally broke open the piñata, splattering candy across the court.  However, Trevor “White Jesus” Tyrrell materialized in the nick of time to save the candy from reaching any playing areas.  Although the party was a smashing success, there was one casualty: Hendricks’s sneaker.  With one half of his playing footwear dangling precariously from a tree, he was forced to play his game with one sneaker and one boot.  Since Hendricks scored a goal, maybe he should consider playing this way more often.

He’s Also the Fastest Leaf Blower in the West
2007 Brendan “Flounder” Hay Memorial Award winner Alex “Coop” Eben Meyer once again demonstrated why the media bestowed upon him such a great honor.  Coop arrived thirty minutes before the start of the 3:00 games to ensure that the court surface was pristine.  Sporting a Philadelphia Flyers jersey, Coop spent a good twenty minutes blowing tree residue off of the Corlears blacktop.  Some say between the jersey and leaf blower, Coop eerily resembled Ron Hextall.

Still More From $howT!m3
“The green light in F. Scott Fitzgerald’s The Great Gatsby represents Gatsby’s hopes and dreams for the future.  However, much as Gatsby associates the light with Daisy, and because Gatsby’s quest for Daisy is broadly associated with the American dream, the green light also symbolizes this more generalized ideal.  In fact, in Chapter IX, Nick even compares the green light to how America, rising out of the ocean, must have looked to early settlers of the new nation.  It is in this regard that The Great Gatsby can be viewed as a highly symbolic commentary on 1920s America as a whole, in particular the disintegration of the American dream in an era of unprecedented prosperity and material excess.” — Hector “$howT!m3″ Melendez, regarding the Rehabs victory against Fresh Kills

Tomfoolery
Filthy Gorgeous has a new cheer.  It goes like this…”1…2…3…Let’s do this bitch!”  Yes, it’s that slow of a news week.

Captains’ Commendations

Bad Touch: Mark Anderson had six “near goals” due to a ferocious running effort.
Corlears Hookers: Peter “Purple Rain” Putka sacrificed his body for the team, and his absence in the second half was a difference maker.
Dark Rainbows: Rory Tischler played well in his first game.
Denim Demons: Gabby Carson delayed taking her sister to the airport so she could participate in the shootout.
Filthy Gorgeous: Becky Antar showcased tremendous defensive prowess, and Dan Owens came directly from the five borough bike race.
Gouging Anklebiters: According to Phil “Sandy” Donohue, “‘Old School’ Mike Ross shut bitches down like the Great Wall of China”.  He was also rumored to have kept the Mongols from annexing goalie “Quiet” Mike O’Connor.
Happy Little Elves: Alyssa Schwartz designed a “kick-ass” logo for their new uniforms.
Mathematics: Sharif “The Chocolate Buzzsaw” Corinaldi managed to keep his shirt on for almost the entire game.
Mexican Standoff: Len Guinto celebrated his birthday with a shootout goal.
Mighty Squirrels: Jason “Cheek” Cheek and Tim “(S)crappy” Gray got engaged (not to each other).
Rehabs: Alex “Villano VI” Zabala.  “Kid’s an animal.” — Bryan “Stork” Welch
Sky Fighters: Chris Shumaker sweat the most, which thoroughly impressed Amy Lott.
Tuques: Alfred Liu was suggested by the media and confirmed by Dave as instrumental in setting up goals.
What The Puck: Quoth the Mad Dog: “Darrell ["Accurate Bob" Hartman] went the distance for sure…played awesome!”  For those unaware, Mad Dog has been attending the $howT!m3 School of Quote-Making.