by Ben Chadwick (and mostly illustrated by Zach Norris)

In recent years, some of us old-timers have witnessed the skill of new players in BTSH rising to unprecedented heights. Is there still a place for aging, mediocre, largely incompetent veterans? If so, how do we create a level playing field for those, like me, who were born with flimsy skeletons and no hand-eye coordination? What’s to be done to help players like Rich “Can’t Buy a Goal” Glanzer, Anita “Can’t Be Bothered to Get Out of Bed and Walk One Block” Khar, and Kermita “Doesn’t Even Exist” Snaggledonk? Well, after years of ignoring our proposal that all incoming free agents must be blind and weigh over 700 pounds, Commissioner Brown has finally established a new four-pronged agenda to remedy the situation for us brittle geezers.

1. Powerups

No skill? No problem! Aerial drones will fly over Tompkins during games to randomly deposit glowing packages which, when collected, provide the player with special powers, such as:

• bananas you can shoot at other players to temporarily disable them
• raccoon tails that enable the wearer to fly
• sticks that can shoot multiple balls at once
• a giant head – it doesn’t really help your game, but it does engender mirth
• money, ammo, and bags of cocaine

Additionally, stepping on the glowing chevrons on the asphalt will provide a temporary speed boost, and conveniently-placed trampolines will allow a player to leap over the opposition.

Exhausted from Saturday night? Did you leave your liver in the skeeball machine again? Not to worry, Tim Brown has your antidote: fifty cc’s of weapons-grade plutonium injected directly into your spinal cord. While BTSH has not finished testing this program, clinical trials are showing extraordinary potential with only mild hair and tooth loss, alongside arguably positive side-effects such as Floppy Purple Tentacle Syndrome.

 

Rather than convert mid-level players into unstoppable cybernetic hockey machines, there’s a more cost-effective approach to improving the league’s balance. We can’t make all the passengers better, so why not make the superstars worse?

• Gabe Chenard-Poirier and Cherie Stewart will have to play while carrying 50 pounds of stones.
• Highly focused defensepersons like Rob Walsh will have their concentration shattered, as they are forced to wear headphones repeatedly blasting the sounds of foghorns, Fran Drescher’s laugh, parrot squawks, cannon fire, and Gilbert Gottfried routines.
• Absurdly limber goalies like Tim Brown will be replaced by mini-golf windmills.

• riding the bus
• purchasing lottery tickets
• petting Justin’s dog and other regional animals
• Yahtzee

Bonus fun fact: Even though it hasn’t opened yet, Hector “$h0w+1m3!” Melendez has already bounced in and out of Twilight Transitions 47 times.

In Conclusion
While BTSH can’t cure everyone’s hockey problems, rest assured that the league recognizes the plight of the amateurish and is finally prepared to do something about it!

Correction 8/31/2015, 1:43pm: all of the above proposed programs have been canceled in favor of Commissioner Brown’s new plan to drive to Tahiti with several sacks full of cash.