this is the very first year in the history of hockey when i am not writing the hockey emails while under the influence of heavy, over-the-counter cold sedatives. i guess that means that either a, this year’s registration period was less stressful than usual, b, cadbury creme eggs strengthen your immune system, or c, the rage i feel towards captains who have paid late/skimped on their fees has given me the strength to fight off even the mightiest cold. no matter. mayhaps you all can share in this miracle cure when july rolls around, we have no money in the budget to buy new balls, and all 400 of you go apeshit. somebody call the new england journal of medicine!
anywho, this is the roster, which is put out in theory to bring us all closer together, but really just works as a way to look up people you saw that day you either hate or wanna throw the f to. that’s right, people– 2006, the year i officially stopped caring. somebody make a plaque. anyway, it goes like this:
NAME / TEAM SIZE
BIO / FACTZ
ROSTER
C: = captain, G: = goalie
enjoy!
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BAD TOUCH (formerly CHARLES BRONSON, formerly BAD TOUCH) / 27
color: grey/dark grey (when sweated)
formed: summer 02
highest season ending placement to date: 2nd outta 13 (fall 2002)
last season’s ending placement: 15th outta 16
team most likely to: have hot girls on it…that play on the same team with their boyfriends. if i had a nickel for every time a guy friend walked up to me and asked about a taken lady on bad touch, i’d have enough nickels to buy all of those guy friends whores to help them get over it.
secret weapon: the return of shimon rosenberg, arguably the most fertile player in the league.
weakness: attendence (or lack thereof).
if this team were an animal, it would be a circus bear, or maybe a great ape.
in conclusion, if bad touch show up, aren’t hungover, and wear tight clothes, the season is theirs.
bram braunstein
Joshua Brody
Toby Carroll
C: bethany cocco
Jane Cramer
Gilaad Deutsch
Michael Donohoe
Brian Gilmore
hilary goldstein
Jonathan Hanson
amy krawczyk
Kelly LeVasseur
Frank Lew
C: alex eben meyer
Christopher Neal
Jennifer Nedbalsky
Cate Nolan
C: Martin Olson
shannon Roddy
shimon rosenberg
Scott Rosenthal
toni ruiz
Steve Sneddon
Jamie Tiampo
Annie Tobin
G: Michael Tuckman
Damian Vallelonga
DARK RAINBOWS / 17
color: pink/gayer pink
formed: 2004
highest season ending placement to date: 2nd outta 16 (last year)
last season’s ending placement: see above
team most likely to: play in jeans, have beards, and/or kick your ass
secret weapon: their look. all those pink shirts, babysitters, and shaggy heads lull opponents into thinking the dark rainbows are just a happy-go-lucky tribe of hackysackers and parking lot burrito chefs. and then bam, you’ve got a face full of ponytail and your team is down 8 points.
weakness: when naptime ends for the team’s communal offspring.
if this team were a record, it would be sleep’s jerusalem.
in conclusion, with former champs pfr boasting a bloated roster and the dark rainbow baby off the teat, they’re ones to watch.
Dan Abdo
Jennie Brown
john cassidy
Lindsay Foehrenbach
Libby Hartle-Tyrrell
Miyazaki Masako
G: John Meyer
John Nielsen
Jenny O’Brian
P.T. Walkley
C: sean reynolds
Michel Steenport
Brad Thomason
Heather Thomason
Trevor Tyrrell
Josh Wilson
Evan Wilson
DENIM DEMONS / 22
color: red/white/no blue
formed: fall 2002
highest season ending placement to date: 6th outta 14 (2004)
last season’s ending placement: 7th outta 16
team most likely to: be yelling– at the other team, each other, passing children, etc.
secret weapon: goalie spag, altho that’s not really a secret.
weakness: women, since those men on the team of the orthodox jewish persuasion can’t touch ‘em, not even for a post-game high five. god don’t mess!
if this team were a meal, it would be tacos you will soon regret eating.
in conclusion, there’s an influx of new blood on the demons this year, so if they keep the rage in their pants, there might be hope.
Larry Berger
Alexis Caldwell
Henrik Carlsson
Gabrielle Carson
Jim Dandeneau
noah farkas
sara farkas
Sara Fenchel
Ellery Gillette
Micael Holmstrom
Jeff Kamen
C: Peter Maltin
Abigail Meisterman
Caroline Morrissey-Bickerton
Lena Moy-Borgen
aaron pargdon
Karen Rosenberg
Adam Rubens
eric solomon
G: Anthony Spagnolo
Christina Spagnolo
Zack Tinkelman
FILTHY GORGEOUS / 28
color: green/black. or so they say.
formed: 2006
highest season ending placement to date: N/A
last season’s ending placement: N/A
team most likely to: be rumored to be an all-girls team, but then have 13 dudes and 9 gals.
secret weapon: combining the more dedicated former skyfighters (r.i.p.) with the more dedicated former she-denim demons to for a team of people who actually show up.
weakness: parul’s name, because nobody pronounces it right.
if this team were a dog, it would be a cockapoo.
in conclusion, it’ll be interesting to see what kind of twisted spawn this skyfighter/demon crossbreeding makes.
(last, first from now on. i’m tired)
Antar Rebecca
Ardolino Domenic
Baker Chris
G: Beauvois Christopher
Borelli Patrick
Caruso Nick
Giberstein Jeff
Graziano Fran
Harris Anne
Hebert Jean
holliday david
Johnson Krister
Kravis Dana
Malik Suvin
McDonald Marc
nicolay megan
Novick Matthew
Pereira James
Rick Jonathan
C: russo monica
Sadlier-Brown Joshua
Shulman Sabrina
Singh Parul
tobey christina
Tourlakis Iannis
warner brandon
watts liza
weber michael
FRESH KILLS / 20
color: light blue/light gray, like the light civil war
formed: 2002
highest season ending placement to date: #1 outta 13 (fall 2002)
last season’s ending placement: 5th outta 16
team most likely to: have telepathic powers with each other
secret weapon: their closed team practices that take place in their secret space station 400 miles above the earth. seriously, they’re unified, and their roster has remained almost unchanged over the last 4 years.
weakness: play-offs. for some reason, this team has been known to choke in the final stretch. after that, their only real weakness is their rival, lbs.
if this team were a religion, it would be scientology.
in conclusion, fresh kills take btsh more seriously than almost anyone, and one day, that dedication will pay off, either in victory or in a well-executed, special forces-style attack that will leave the rest of us dead.
C: Erik Cortes
G: Dave Gil de Rubio
Jennifer Chen
Shane DeBlasio
Patricia Fernandez
Kevin Foster
Alexandre Frenette
Nicolas Frenette
Jeff Goldberg
Zaileen Hassanali
Amy Jones
Jeff Lesser
Suzi Metzger
BR Rolya
Brice Rosenbloom
Julie Rubinstein
Joe Tamburo
Scott Townsend
Alicia Walker
Bob “W” Weyersberg
GOUGING ANKLEBITERS / 24
color: blue/blue (they like blue)
formed: 2002
highest season ending placement to date: 3rd outta 16 (last year)
last season’s ending placement: see above
team most likely to: have to take a time out due to a tantrum and then be sent to bed without their figgy pudding.
secret weapon: mike the goalie tied w/captain phil donohue throwing opponants for a loop when they find out he’s not that liberal guy with white hair who married tv’s that girl.
weakness: anger management, attendence, and a history of having trouble with recruiting ladies.
if this team were a college student, it would be the most thoughtful frat guy around.
in conclusion, the biters really starting to hit their stride in the middle of last season. if they can pick up where they left off, tantrum time might be over.
Abramtsev Mary
Barrett Amy
Cabot Bini Christy
Castonguay Remi
DeFranco Charles
DiPierri Eric
C: Donohue Phil
Epstein Alissa
Gabay Naomi
geis wally
Gill Kim
Kelly Megan
Kornecook Tom
C: Korsakoff Jason
Mazzella Anthony
Menkes Mike
Nonato Nestor
G: O’Connor Mike
Prohaska Peter
Ross Michael
Schumacher Jeremy
Shenkman Seth
C: Voto Shannon
Weiner Zachary
HENRY MOTION / 23
color: green/not green
formed: 2005
highest season ending placement to date: 8th outta 16
last season’s ending placement: see above
team most likely to: be schizo. henry motion is theoretically made up of players from last year’s henry motion team who wanted to go in a more relaxed direction than their teammates. then ski took over, who admittedly doesn’t have the most relaxed reputation, and the team filled with orphaned SAVF players and free agents, none of whom were recruited in the name of the new, relaxed mission statement. human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together, mass hysteria, etc.
secret weapon: the unknown
weakness: see above
if this team were a subway line, it would be the F.
in conclusion, your guess is as good as mine, but hopefully, good or bad, it will all be chill.
Arnn Ara
B S
Busch Allison
Chakel Laurie
Chan Ray
Conn Jeremy
Doninger Morgan
Freeman Rick
Goldsmith Sara
Hay Brendan
Hulin Rachel
Kazin Eli
Lee Homin K.
Nakatani Mariko
Nitschke Rob
Otto Sheena
reiss stephen
Sanfilippo Mike
C: Ski Peter
Tagliarino Derek
Vernon Paul
G: volanto stefanie
Warshawer Andy
LBS / 15
color: white. period.
formed: fall 2003 (or in 2002 as sword of god, depending how you look at it)
highest season ending placement to date: 1st outta 14 (2004)
last season’s ending placement: 6th outta 16
team most likely to: be hated on the court and hilarious off of it
secret weapon: all that white. it’s like a klan convention.
weakness: size– down to 15 from 22, here’s hoping attendence is good and (given the uniform color) skies are clear.
if this team were a celebrity, it would be eminem
in conclusion, lbs play hard, and while their numbers are down, they certainly aren’t to be counted out.
anthony sam
Capotosta Tom
Cecutti Anthony
Chenitz Ali
Jacobs Molly
Lehman Sasha
Limonic Fernando
newman tim
Pichon Karsten
Poulin Ken
C: Puritz Sascha
Rosenbaum Dan
San Tong
Stretton Mike
G: wachtell seth
MATHEMATICS / 16
color: charcoal/clear, i don’t know
formed: 2006
highest season ending placement to date: n/a
last season’s ending placement: n/a
team most likely to: have set lines of players and bungle communication through hand gestures
secret weapon: all of their mark/cs and andrews– lu, grassi, mcgreggor, sullivan, pratt and levine. seriously, be afraid.
weakness: their women are mighty, but number only 4. this under the guidance of mr. liberal equality mcprotester, captain sharif corinaldi. if nader knew about this, sharif, he’d revoke your pinko card.
if this team were a dude, it would be named mark or andy.
in conclusion, if none of their women get sick and they can form a united front, the talent is there.
Cohen Jamie
Contray Jeffrey
G: Coombs Sarah
C: Corinaldi Sharif
Dolgin Noam
Gazan Ali
Graham Joseph
grassi marc
Katatikarn Gungsadawn
levine andy
Lu Andrew
MacNeil Laura
Nath Raj
pratt andy
SULLIVAN MARK
McGregor Mark A.
MEXICAN STANDOFF / 35
color: light blue/skins
formed: 2005 (or in fall 2002 as FGOFA)
highest season ending placement to date: 9th outta 14 (2003, as FGOFA)
last season’s ending placement: 14th outta 16
team most likely to: double as a flash mob
secret weapon: aside from size, their meal plan– the fresh salsa was good, but the fajita bar? better than my bat mitzvah.
weakness: both a bloated stomach and sideline.
if this team were a vacation, it would be spring break
in conclusion, no matter if they win or lose, they will be too well fed and/or drunk to care.
Beaudoing Nicolas
Bialos Jeff
bloom ben
Bonfanti John
chau haanwa
Christiansen Amanda
Cohen Gary
Conroy Sarah
Conroy Beth
Fay John
Greenberg Jason
Guinto Len
C: Hendricks Jeff
Hilgendorf Kirsten
Horner Jennifer
jenkins amanda
Kirshenbaum Aynsley
Lee Scott
Locklair Randy
Locklear Randy
Macioce Rob
Mike Ryan
Olson Tim
Outland Michele
G: Patel Sital
Rosenstock Jason
Ryan Tom
shaw chris
Stark Hannah
Valenti Paul
Wang David
Wayne Robins
Williams Joy Machelle
Wise Kristen
Yung James
THE MIGHTY SQUIRRELS / 24
color: brown!
formed: 2005
highest season ending placement to date: 12th outta 16
last season’s ending placement: see above
team most likely to: lose their captain to a job in dubai. well, it happened, didn’t it?
secret weapon: a sprinkling of defected former skyfighters and demons.
weakness: goalie glut. 4? seriously?
if this team were a fictional place, it would be the island of misfit toys.
in conclusion, the squirrels are still finding their place in the league, and new captains kyle and eric can only take them higher.
asch charles
C, G: Breitman Eric
Brower Scott
Cheek Jason
Cole Eric
Duncan Ritch
C: Fogden Kyle
G: Gorden Rob
Gray Tim
Hartsell Carol
Jellick Jason
G: Kesselman Z.Y.
Kowalski Gary
lanctot nicole
Larsen Patrick
Marberg Marie
melson amanda
Paglia David
Schloeder Andrea
G: Sedlmeyer Joelle
Shaw Timothy
Simmons Mary
Thompson Craig
Wolf Miky
PORK FRIED RICE - NYC STREET / 35
color: maroon/nooram
formed: 2005
highest season ending placement to date: 1st outta 16
last season’s ending placement: see above
team most likely to: get a dirty look
secret weapon: putting together a superteam made up of former canadian pros, chelsea piers players, and strong players pilfered from other BTSH teams. but i guess that’s not so much a secret but the source of league-wide loathing.
weakness: swelling in size. unless all the new players were found via the methods described above. also, captain brian barrett’s much celebrated drunken “bromantic side” (copyright craig lacombe, 2005)
if this team were an asshole, it would be a giant one (does the word goatse mean anything to you?).
in conclusion, the new size could hurt them, but if it doesn’t, let’s all get together and poison their food, starting with ant.
Babcock Steve
Balou Leyla
C: Barrett Brian
Barrett Eileen
Bartlett Mike
Belfi Kristen
Bichler Gail
Blanco Christina
Chapuh J. P.
Faherty Shawn
Foy Natasha
Halpin Jimmy
Hannon Tim
Hannon Heather
Healey Eric
Henley Fayth
jeff jordan jeff
Kallash Leena
Koeferl Keith
lau ed
Lauer Julie
lopez pj
Mack John
Mates Scott
McDevitt Jamie
Montafetti Gina
monty denis
Pacillo Bart
Sayer Michael
Stevens Melissa
Su Betty
Taylor Michael
Traynham Laura
C: ventolieri ant
Wilson Peter
REHABS / 22
color: black/white. simple enough.
formed: 2002
highest season ending placement to date: 1st outta 12 (2002)
last season’s ending placement: 10th outta 16
team most likely to: smile at you while covertly peeing on your leg
secret weapon: a toxic mix of endurance, skill, wiles, and charm. oh, and the returning john gazley, a btsh veteran and inventor of the now verbotten gazley dive.
weakness: that pesky attendence.
if this team were a drug, it would be roofies
in conclusion, don’t like to lose, and a lot of the time, they don’t have to.
Arroyo Chantel
Axelrod Craig
Drexel Mindy
Everett Angelique
Feldman Jon
Gazley John
Hackett Gina
Kehoe Stacy
Kehoe Andy
MACNIVEN CAMERON
Nicholson James
Nurmohamed Lateef
O’Connor Tom
Park dan
Ramsery Marc
G: Romeo Anthony
tomlinson debbie
torjman daniel
Weckstein Keith
Weitzman Greg
C: Welch Bryan
Weisberg Noah
THE TUQUES / 28
color: purple/green. delicious!
formed: 2005 (or in 2002 as set it off)
highest season ending placement to date: 9th outta 16 (2005)
last season’s ending placement: see above
team most likely to: be apologizing, either for not having matching shirts, missing sasha, or having frank. but they always mean it– their roots are canadian.
secret weapon: putting ladies first– with 13 women and 15 dudes, they’re the team closest to a 50/50 ratio.
weakness: captain dave was wearing pretty short shorts last sunday. sayin.
if this team were a tv show, it would be you can’t do that on television.
in conclusion, it’s 4 am, they’re nice people and their name is silly. next.
Angelini Megan
canlas karmel
Cohen Jill
Collins Cynthia
Domingues Rui
Dutta Deep
Falzone Tim
Fernandez Ana
Forbess Julia
C, G: Goss Tom
grande-capone andrea
Huang Albert
Kearney Gavin
Kearney Brendan
Klobe Josh
C: Ladanyi Dave
Lewis Libby
C: Liu Alfred
Mangat Raji
Mendenhall Holly
Monahan Bill
Russo Frank
Sampson Scott
Shea Sarah
wilson gabe
Wittig Tom
Zalocha Christine
Geronimo Michele
UNICORNS / 21
color: yellow/brown. not really.
formed: 2001. top that!
highest season ending placement to date: 2nd outta 12 (2002)
last season’s ending placement: 11th outta 16
team most likely to: have team parties that end with craig putting his balls on the closest passed out face. or so i’ve heard.
secret weapon: craig’s lack of modesty, the return of hector and alex of battledome fame, amy’s subscription to martha stewart weddings, and the kind of team unity that can only happen after 5 years.
weakness: us weekly photographers hiding in the trees. and bad ACLs.
if this team were a band, it would be the kinks.
in conclusion, c’mon, they’re the unicorns. much respek.
C: Baker Amy
Boling John Mark
bonney grace
Butler Courtney
coles aaron
Eng Chris
Grainger Brendan
Kalb Jesse
Kanan Steph
kilcommons ted
Kimball megan
G: LaCombe Craig
McAdam Marc
Melendez Hector “showtime”
Mullan Aaron
Pourghasemi Sara
Stadler Christian
turley Lindsay
Wirtz Danny
Zabala Alex
WHAT THE PUCK / 21
color: orange/white. like a creamsicle.
formed: fall 2001.
highest season ending placement to date: 4th outta 16 (2005)
last season’s ending placement: see above
team most likely to: not show up during finals if they aren’t in contention for first. not all of them can be funny kids!
secret weapon: captain larry’s hemp string/fema bead necklace. i swear the thing has magic powers.
weakness: aside from attendence, it would have to be using the same pr rep as PFR.
if this team were a police force, it would be the LAPD.
in conclusion, all these years later, and there is still no answer to the question their name poses. larry and co shall not rest until they find the solution. god speed.
Arons Emma
Brown Katherine
G: Cruz Roderick
Dalton Scott
doucet michelle
Dujeux Celine
Farley Amy
Greenstein Kevin
Hale Jennifer
Hartman Darrell
Jamison Brooke
Kargman Bess
lee erica
Lutsky Kevin
Macdonald Tom
Roscoe Tara
Tenny Susanna
Vroom Brian
Winters Corey
Woodsworth Mike
C: Zimmer Larry
