Twin Dekes by Rachel K

Can the Twin Dekes come back from last year’s heartbreaking loss in the ‘ships to win it all this year?  If they can their shit together long enough, probably.

Hockey Beach virgin Cro has joined the team – expect to see him outside of the bar trying to talk his way in without an ID or with a Bud Light tall boy in his hand wandering the beach. He went down to OC on Monday with Nic & (Brian Sullivan Alert) Brian Sullivan from Poutine, so there’s a 50% chance he doesn’t make it to the weekend. Stay tuned! Rounding out the team we have WTPers Justin and Mike Dude, Coach from Fuzz, the BROsens, and fellow Rainbow Mike Roberts (currently playing through a broken dick). Also, non-BTSH mystery men Will and Russell were late additions…they don’t even go here! Unlike Rich Glanzer, Twin Dekes has no problem getting women and has a strong female contingent with Liz Alden, Jenn Popack, Susie Lai, Emily Moore, and yours truly. Even though Cecil Harambe was determined to collect all of the Hockey Beach Rachels (and managed to steal Rachel Longley), I stuck it out because I love dicks. I mean DEKES, dekes. If you hear yacht rock bumping and catch the scent of stale beer, house party, and bad decisions, congratulations you’ve found our bench. Resident rockstar Mike ‘The Dude’ and his band The Nuclears are playing Peppers Tavern on Friday (9pm, you guys!) to kick off the weekend, so things should escalate quickly. I could talk about hockey, but everyone knows that Saturday night at Seacrets is where the real heroes are made. Expect Twin Dekes out in full force guzzling booze and getting weird on the dance floor. I’ll only remember about 80% of what happens at Seacrets, which is definitely for the best. Emily & Mike, who literally found love in a hopeless place last year at OC (in Seacrets), will be celebrating their 1 year anniversary, and what better place than where they had their first date met dirty grinding. Will we witness the start of another BTSH power couple this weekend? The answer is most likely no, we’ll just see a lot of sweaty dancing, dance floor make outs (DFMO), and someone throwing up on themselves, but hey…you never know!

Drunk Machine by Drunk Machine

The first draft ended up just being the lyrics of Big Sean’s hit “I Don’t Give A F*ck”

You don’t know who’s on our team?  We are Poutine.  We will be drunk.  We will destroy you physically, mentally and alcoholically.

You can’t hang with us.

Who are you?

Charlotte will squat Rich…  Because he is small and weak.

Come at us Bro.

Sea Section by Drew Peacock

Born from blood and scalpels, the Sea Sections arrive at Ocean City with only one thing on their minds: getting drunk on the beach.  Sure there’s hockey, Seacrets, and the water park, but to this crew of mostly Anklebiters with an accent of Gut Rot and a Rehabs goaltender, the mission is clear.

“I just wanna make sure I wake up still an anal virgin,” said captain Probie of the Anklebiters. “Or at least someone bought me a few drinks first.”

Proud owners of a collective six gold medals at the BTSH Olympics, this squad boasts some high profile professional drinkers who are glad to have a noon (latest slot) start time on their first game – courtesy of tournament organizer and team member Worky McParty.

“I plan to be face down in a pool of my own urine until 11:53,” said McParty. “Hey, decision is in your hands, what would you do?”

Still, the Sea Sections are ready for the sport courts and vow to demonstrate discipline in preparation for their tournament run.

“We may have a few crab bloodies before we play,” said Caroline of the Anklebiters.  “But we now have a strict no pre-game blow policy this year.”

Basic Beaches by Amy A

Lifetime Movie Network presents: You Can’t Keep a Strong Woman Down: The Basic Beaches Story

When high-powered CEO Suz Pasquantonio ends up in the hospital with a broken foot after a black SUV with tinted windows runs her down just a week before Ocean City, hardened detective Amy Jones and her sassy partner Laura McNeil will stop at nothing to take down the person, or persons, responsible. That SUV was gunning for Suz. Accident? Ha. That was no accident. 

Theories? Oh, Jones and MacNeil have theories alright. Of course, the easy answer is that the hit came from someone on Rich Glanzer’s team, as a protest against the fact that the Beaches have taken all the women. All the women! (Except Suz’s sister Vicky. Hmmm… some sort of jealous sister revenge plot? Was Suz always the perfect one? Was it unbearable to try and compete with her for mom and dad’s attention? To live in her shadow all these years??) But Jones and MacNeil are skeptical. That all sounds a little too easy, and god knows we couldn’t go past two commercial breaks with that plot.

But what about some of the supporting characters in Suz’s beach hockey weekend plans? Could the culprit be Suz’s new assistant, Vanck? He seems too good to be true. And where did he come from, anyway? We tried calling his last company for references, but nobody there had ever heard of him. Or what about company marketing director, Alok? He’s been at the company just as long as Suz. There’s no reason she should have been promoted before him! How about Suz’s slightly overzealous new friend, Rachel? A flashback showed that she spent years in an asylum upstate after losing to Suz in the Camp Narragansett Talent Show in 1988, and we’re pretty sure she just bought the exact same shinguards as Suz. Friendly neighbor Sebastien is always willing to collect Suz’s newspaper when she’s away, but he also has a creepy room in the basement that is covered with surveillance photos of her and newspaper clippings (they are mostly coupons). Joe Fiore (screen name WillCharmU) hasn’t even met Suz in person, but felt a real connection with her during their online chat sessions – until she blew him off for what was supposed to be their first date. He has stopped going to work so he can cyberstalk, and regular stalk, her 24/7. Lorenz — well, we don’t know much about him, but he has a Swiss accent that could be considered sinister, if you say to him, “Lorenz, say something, but say it with a sinister accent!” And how is it that longtime drinking buddy Amy A ended up on the Beaches’ roster just moments after Suz emerged from the hospital, all hopped up on Percocet and whatever Joe P gave her to drink on the sidelines just after she was carried off the court? And, speaking of longtime drinking buddies, will Heather wear  Ocean City short-shorts during all the games?

Jones and MacNeil aren’t alone in their quest for answers. While they do official police work, they’ll turn to computer whiz Fallon to hack passwords, run checks on credit cards and trace phone calls. They’ll also get advice from Lieutenant Dave, though he’ll mostly say stuff like, “Bad guys. They just keep doing bad stuff. And it’s our job to stop ’em.” Other Basic Beaches will be doing some of their own investigating. Michael, owner of Suz’s favorite coffee shop, is sure he remembers seeing a dark SUV with tinted windows hanging around outside last week, two or three times. Instead of giving this information to the cops, he’ll follow it out to the woods in his own car the next time it shows up. (Sorry Mike, there’s no cell service out there, and this character always dies.) BFF Stephanie is suspicious of everyone mentioned in the paragraph above, everyone in the tournament, and everyone. She starts asking questions. (Sorry Stephanie, this character always dies, too.) Savvy Sheena will be sure to arm herself with a crowbar and a hockey stick and a cell phone with many bars and she’ll learn karate before she goes into Suz’s model home to investigate that newly-broken window. 

Will Jones and MacNeil solve the mystery before the entire Basic Beaches roster is on crutches? Will Heather wear Ocean City short-shorts during all the games?? Is there really a book called The Day My Butt Went Pscyho??? Find out this weekend, beaches!