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Ocean City 2016 Preview – Part 1

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You wake up with a cigarette butt in your mouth and a Philly Cheese Steak stuck to your stomach.  Your eyes fight their way open as the sun pours through the windows of an unfamiliar room.  Wait, not so unfamiliar, this is the Seahawk Motel.

It all comes rushing back.  Holding back your teammate’s hair while she hugs the porcelain throne.  Remembering that you guys hooked up on the Seacrets dancefloor.  Did anyone see?  Will it be awkward later?  Fuck it.

Sand is everywhere.  In your toes.  On your face, your hair.  You can feel it running down your shirt as you sit up and look around.

Your three roommates are all passed out around you.  One of them made it on to his bed.  Two of them have clothes on.  The clock reads 9:53.  You have a game at 10:00 across the street.  Let’s fucking go!

Phil D of Sea Section

Kum & Go by J-Dubs

OC Promo Worky

Just a couple more spots open!

I asked team captain and one-man-party Sam Norris what makes this team so special. His response to me was “Mumble, mumble, glurg, glarg, glurg.”.  He was too busy wolfing down hot wings and chugging Pabst (somehow at the exact same time?) to answer my question. I think what Sammy WOULD have said is this: what’s not to love about this team?  Take your pick – Jamie’s laugh (and insane glove hand), the triumphant return of Becky Norris from overseas, the fact that we have the Commissioner, Walsh’s Tito’s and tonic recipe (oops, I gave away the recipe), Georgine’s calming presence, JW’s NON-calming presence, Barretta’s re-defection to the US, Eli’s sweatband, a crazed Scotsman, and I will leave the rest of our secret arsenal players……a secret.  Also, let’s face it, when we look at OCs past, the name of the game has always been to kum………and go.

Cecil Harambe by Richiehero

Last year Derk, Ariel and I were on Plan B (Pullouts). We received this email a few months ago. “Hey guys , how are you? Just so you know we would rather you be dead than for us to ever play with you again. Any chance some other team can take you?”

Cecil greets Harambe in Animal Heaven by trying to send him to Animal Hell.

Cecil greets Harambe in Animal Heaven by trying to send him to Animal Hell.

Originally we were going to be called Muzz to combine Math and Fuzz but with only one Math member, that seemed ridiculous. So we decided to combine with Fresh Kills and be called Fuzz. (F for the Fresh Kills and uzz for Fuzz) But then Harambe started blowing up in all the memes and Derk felt bad that Cecil wasn’t getting any play so we will be honoring both.
How will our team be? We still don’t know if we have Gabe or not. We asked him literally 9 times and the last 8 times he said, “I already told you I’m not playing, stop asking me! And why is Cro sending me naked selfies? This is getting weird.”
Gabe is highly considering our offer!

Gabe is highly considering our offer!

I won’t bore you with the roster. I’d prefer to bore you with wrestling references! But suffice to say, with so many Fresh Kills guys, we stand a very good chance of being the team that the Shortis will beat in the finals. Speaking of the Shortis, I hate when captains take things too seriously and try to win. Adding Jeff??? Really? Rachel Greene is going to be so pissed at you Julie, trust me I know! I mean, you sorttttta make up for stacking your team by having Tim (I gave up an overtime goal to Rich Glanzer) K. as your goalie, but still.

But I digress. Our team is going to be loads of fun. While Rachel (The Nodding Mansplainer) quit the team, we still have Rachel N.

Nabatz pretty much is the party. Hicks promises to eat 3 more crabs than Julie and taunt her endlessly about it. I plan on wrestling many people on the beach, both men and women and both people I know and I don’t. Catherine B. is probably going to be so mortified by our antics that she will beg Amy to take her on her team, but Worky probably will not allow it and tell us just to chill. We will of course not listen.

But most of all, you are all invited the best party bus of the night. When we come home from Seacrets and chant the three best words in the American language. USA!! USA!! USA!!!

USA!! USA!! USA!!

USA!! USA!! USA!!

Shortis by Olivier

Cette 4e et plus récente édition de la franchise des Shortis tentera de prolonger la tradition d’exceptionnelle réussite dans le domaine de l’excellence, qui est depuis le tout début le seul et unique objectif de cette équipe officiellement commanditée par Wawa. Après un couronnement grandiose lors du premier tournoi Hockey Beach il y a déjà un an, les Shortis ont voyage partout dans le monde a la recherche d’adversaires dignes leur talent et de leur intellect: le pittoresque village de Feasterville PA, puis, eh, Feasterville PA encore une fois, avant finalement retourner la où tout a commencé, à la merveilleuse station balnéaire du Maryland : Ocean City.
Malgré un noyau relativement stable, des changements de personnel ont du être réalisés au fil du temps pour diverse raisons. Les irremplaçables Gunnar (blessure au haut du corps), James Stein (en attente de son 3e enfant légitime, son 367e nouveau-né au total, et le recensement continue), Roman (trop énigmatique), le couple Ann & James (ils ne nous trouvent pas assez beaux), Sam et Ben (les traitres !), MDF (impliquée dans un mariage de convenance), ainsi que l’ex co-capitaine Rachel (suspendue de l’équipe indéfiniment pour ses frasques a l’extérieur du terrain) furent rapidement et facilement oubliés, alors que les divas Alexis et Mia, des Sky Fighters, et les d’autant-plus-divas Liam et Will, en provenance de Kobra Kaï, se joignent au groupe de champions que sont Alexa, Jeff, Brady, Olivier, Pete, Caroline, Greg, Tim, ainsi que le revenant d’outre-tombe Dan Hopper, le tout dirigés d’une main de fer par la capitaine, directrice générale, présidente et grande mangeuse de crabes Julie Katz.
L’équipe des Shortis souhaite a tous les participants de la deuxième édition de  Hockey Beach un merveilleux tournoi, et que la meilleure équipe gagne ! Sauf si cette équipe n’est pas les Shortis.
shortis1

The Shortis will live on forever as the first-ever Ocean City champs, just like the first-ever Stanley Cup winners… the, uh, [Googles it] …1873 St. Catherine’s Mustacheroos. Both legends.

Translation courtesy of Google Translate.

The fourth and latest edition of the franchise Shortis attempt to prolong the tradition of outstanding achievement in the field of excellence, which is from the beginning the only goal of the officially sponsored by Wawa team. After a grandiose coronation at the first Hockey Beach tournament there is already a year the Shortis have traveled around the world in search of worthy opponents their talent and intellect: the picturesque village of Feasterville PA, then, eh, Feasterville PA again, before finally returning to where it all began, in the wonderful resort of Maryland: Ocean City.

Despite a relatively stable core of personnel changes had to be made over time for various reasons. Irreplaceable Gunnar (injury to the upper body), James Stein (awaiting its third legitimate child, her newborn in total 367th, and continues census) Roman (too enigmatic), the couple Ann & James (they we are not beautiful enough), Sam and Ben (traitors!), MDF (involved in a marriage of convenience) and the former co-captain Rachel (suspended from the team indefinitely for his escapades was outside field) were quickly and easily forgotten, while divas Alexis and Mia, Sky Fighters, and even-more-divas Liam and Will, from Kobra Kai, join the group of champions that are Alexa, Jeff Brady, Olivier, Pete, Caroline, Greg, Tim and the ghost from the grave Dan Hopper, all directed with an iron hand by the captain, Executive Director, President and great eating crabs Julie Katz.

The team Shortis wish all the participants of the second annual Hockey Beach a wonderful tournament, and may the best team win! Unless that team is not the Shortis.

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