Ocean City 2016 Preview – Part 1
You wake up with a cigarette butt in your mouth and a Philly Cheese Steak stuck to your stomach. Your eyes fight their way open as the sun pours through the windows of an unfamiliar room. Wait, not so unfamiliar, this is the Seahawk Motel.
It all comes rushing back. Holding back your teammate’s hair while she hugs the porcelain throne. Remembering that you guys hooked up on the Seacrets dancefloor. Did anyone see? Will it be awkward later? Fuck it.
Sand is everywhere. In your toes. On your face, your hair. You can feel it running down your shirt as you sit up and look around.
Your three roommates are all passed out around you. One of them made it on to his bed. Two of them have clothes on. The clock reads 9:53. You have a game at 10:00 across the street. Let’s fucking go!
–Phil D of Sea Section
Kum & Go by J-Dubs
I asked team captain and one-man-party Sam Norris what makes this team so special. His response to me was “Mumble, mumble, glurg, glarg, glurg.”. He was too busy wolfing down hot wings and chugging Pabst (somehow at the exact same time?) to answer my question. I think what Sammy WOULD have said is this: what’s not to love about this team? Take your pick – Jamie’s laugh (and insane glove hand), the triumphant return of Becky Norris from overseas, the fact that we have the Commissioner, Walsh’s Tito’s and tonic recipe (oops, I gave away the recipe), Georgine’s calming presence, JW’s NON-calming presence, Barretta’s re-defection to the US, Eli’s sweatband, a crazed Scotsman, and I will leave the rest of our secret arsenal players……a secret. Also, let’s face it, when we look at OCs past, the name of the game has always been to kum………and go.
Cecil Harambe by Richiehero
Last year Derk, Ariel and I were on Plan B (Pullouts). We received this email a few months ago. “Hey guys , how are you? Just so you know we would rather you be dead than for us to ever play with you again. Any chance some other team can take you?”
I won’t bore you with the roster. I’d prefer to bore you with wrestling references! But suffice to say, with so many Fresh Kills guys, we stand a very good chance of being the team that the Shortis will beat in the finals. Speaking of the Shortis, I hate when captains take things too seriously and try to win. Adding Jeff??? Really? Rachel Greene is going to be so pissed at you Julie, trust me I know! I mean, you sorttttta make up for stacking your team by having Tim (I gave up an overtime goal to Rich Glanzer) K. as your goalie, but still.
But I digress. Our team is going to be loads of fun. While Rachel (The Nodding Mansplainer) quit the team, we still have Rachel N.
Nabatz pretty much is the party. Hicks promises to eat 3 more crabs than Julie and taunt her endlessly about it. I plan on wrestling many people on the beach, both men and women and both people I know and I don’t. Catherine B. is probably going to be so mortified by our antics that she will beg Amy to take her on her team, but Worky probably will not allow it and tell us just to chill. We will of course not listen.
But most of all, you are all invited the best party bus of the night. When we come home from Seacrets and chant the three best words in the American language. USA!! USA!! USA!!!
Shortis by Olivier
Translation courtesy of Google Translate.
The fourth and latest edition of the franchise Shortis attempt to prolong the tradition of outstanding achievement in the field of excellence, which is from the beginning the only goal of the officially sponsored by Wawa team. After a grandiose coronation at the first Hockey Beach tournament there is already a year the Shortis have traveled around the world in search of worthy opponents their talent and intellect: the picturesque village of Feasterville PA, then, eh, Feasterville PA again, before finally returning to where it all began, in the wonderful resort of Maryland: Ocean City.
Despite a relatively stable core of personnel changes had to be made over time for various reasons. Irreplaceable Gunnar (injury to the upper body), James Stein (awaiting its third legitimate child, her newborn in total 367th, and continues census) Roman (too enigmatic), the couple Ann & James (they we are not beautiful enough), Sam and Ben (traitors!), MDF (involved in a marriage of convenience) and the former co-captain Rachel (suspended from the team indefinitely for his escapades was outside field) were quickly and easily forgotten, while divas Alexis and Mia, Sky Fighters, and even-more-divas Liam and Will, from Kobra Kai, join the group of champions that are Alexa, Jeff Brady, Olivier, Pete, Caroline, Greg, Tim and the ghost from the grave Dan Hopper, all directed with an iron hand by the captain, Executive Director, President and great eating crabs Julie Katz.
The team Shortis wish all the participants of the second annual Hockey Beach a wonderful tournament, and may the best team win! Unless that team is not the Shortis.