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Fresh Kills Is Not Intimidated By Mike’s Canadian Scowl

#7 What The Puck (12-5-1-2) at #2 Fresh Kills (14-4-2)
Location: Tompkins West, 4:00 PM
All-Time Series: What The Puck leads 9-8-1
2011 Result: Week 1 – Fresh Kills 3, What The Puck 2 (OT-SO); Week 8 – Fresh Kills 3, What The Puck 0
Game Notes: At the beginning of the 2011 season, picking What The Puck to reach the championship game was a no-brainer.  Larry “Mad Dog” Zimmer had just concluded an off-season shopping spree, pillaging the Rehabs of goaltender Anthony Romeo and forwards Brock Bosacker, Alex Doucette, and “The All-American Canadian” Adam Skuse.  Zimmer’s grand plan to ambush BTSH with his all-star squad was working to perfection through the spring, as What The Puck jumped out to an 8-1-0-1 record through ten games.  However, once the calendar turned to summer, injuries and lackluster attendance began to deplete Zimmer’s charges, and his Orange Juggernaut stumbled to a 1-4-1-1 finish, scoring an uncharacteristically low 11 goals in this seven game stretch.  Once the playoffs began, however, What The Puck returned to the form everyone expected to see, and the team dispatched the Sky Fighters, Denim Demons, and Butchers, allowing just one goal in each game.  What The Puck’s opponent in the championship game, Fresh Kills, is a familiar foe.  The two teams are meeting in the postseason for the fourth time since 2006, and as members of the Hackett Division, they faced off twice this season.  Captain David Sokolyansky, armed with a much smaller budget than Zimmer’s, took an alternate route to building his squad, preferring to add undervalued free agents and players other teams viewed as flawed.  This haul included Scott Lee, who was cast aside by the Mathematics because of his inability to finish.  Sokolyansky’s philosophy paid off, as Fresh Kills performed consistently throughout the season and claimed the Hackett Division crown on the penultimate weekend of the regular season.  However, all of this hard work was almost undone in the opening round of the playoffs, when Fresh Kills was extended to a shootout before putting away Mega Touch.  The next two rounds proceeded more like the regular season, as Sokolyansky’s bunch used stifling defense and opportunistic offense to eliminate the Dark Rainbows and defending champion Happy Little Elves.  Entering the finals, Fresh Kills now seems to have all signs pointing in its favor, as Sokolyanksy and his crew are the higher seed and swept What The Puck in the season series.  However, Zimmer is known for pulling rabbits out of hats throughout his illustrious BTSH tenure and may have one more trick up his sleeve.

Continue reading ‘Playoff Preview: Championship Game’

Clearly, We Staged This Photo

#11 Butchers (11-7-1) at #7 What The Puck (11-5-1-2)
Location: Tompkins West, 3:30 PM
All-Time Series: What The Puck leads 2-0
2011 Result: Week  11 – What The Puck 4, Butchers 1
Game Notes: For the second straight season, despite entering as a double-digit seed, the Butchers find themselves in the semifinals of the BTSH playoffs.  This year, their run began with a round of 16 upset of the #6 seed Unicorns, when Chris DiMotta’s overtime goal sent the Butchers past their Donohue Division foe to the quarterfinals.  Their good fortune continued last week, as the Butchers sent #4 seed Poutine Machine, the MacNeil Division champions, packing with a hard-fought 2-1 victory.  However, the Butchers’ opponent, What The Puck, is also no stranger to the semifinals, even though the team was uncharacteristically eliminated in the opening round in 2010.  In spite of this setback, Larry’s Orange Juggernaut has looked like the What The Puck of old this year.  In the round of 16, the Puckers easily dispatched a fellow Hackett Division squad, the Sky Fighters, on the strength of Oliver Hartman’s four goal outburst.  Last week, Corey “Chongo” Winters’ second-half game-winning goal pushed them past the rival Denim Demons and into the semifinals.  Although history is on What The Puck’s side, as the team looks to advance to the championship game for the third time in six years, the upstart Butchers are eager to get their relatively new franchise to the next plateau.
Keys To The Game For The Butchers:
1. After an excellent regular season, goaltender Eric Ramirez has continued to cement his reputation as a playoff goalie.  He has allowed just three goals through two games, and his two wins this season bring his postseason record to 4-1.  These stats have vindicated co-captain Rachel Greene’s decision to pick Ramirez over Rob “Mungo” Gorden, Randy Locklair, and Tim “(S)crappy” Gray as her starting goalie when establishing the team.
2. The Butchers’ offense is carried by the 1-2 punch of co-captain Ben Bloom and “The Charismatic Enigma” Arthur Revechkis.  The duo combined for 30 of the team’s 47 goals in the regular season, and each contributed a goal in the round of 16 win against the Unicorns.
3.  After a subdued performance, Arnold Sanchez recently admitted that his head was never really in last week’s game against Poutine Machine.  Apparently, Jo-Ann Provencher had stolen his Sunday newspaper, so Sanchez never had a chance to read the color version of Marmaduke.  It is unclear whether WTP will attempt a similar ploy, but Michelle Doucet was recently spotted talking to his paperboy with a wad of $20 bills.
Keys To The Game For What The Puck:
1. After missing large stretches of the regular season, goalie Anthony Romeo has finally become the consistent force between the pipes that Larry envisioned when he poached Romeo from the Rehabs.  In What The Puck’s last playoff game, Romeo allowed just one goal, and claims to have made 29 saves.
2. Another one of Larry’s big offseason acquisitions was “The All-American Canadian” Adam Skuse.  He tallied five regular season goals before sustaining both upper and lower body injuries, which were supposed to sideline him for the rest of the season.  However, being the courageous gamer that he is, Skuse returned to action last week, despite having two broken arms, one broken leg, a broken clavicle, a bad haircut, and influenza.
3. Garrett Poston has been a consistent force for WTP in his first season of BTSH, but it seems his trash-talking has been far too cerebral to properly frustrate his opposition.  He merely left Demon forward Jeff Kamen confused–not agitated–when teasing, “I say, old sport, your boorish demeanor is reminiscent of that of Australopithecus bahrelghazali. Perchance is he of any relation?”
Eli’s Pick: What The Puck.  Every championship game is better with a villain, and of the four teams left, What The Puck fits that bill the best.
Derek’s Pick: What The Puck. The Butchers make for a great story, but the still isn’t quite championship-caliber.
Watchability: 4 Kalbs.  A late October playoff game is sure to give the fans some thrills, but this game may take a backseat to Sunday’s other semifinal.

We May Have Reached An Elves Saturation Point

#14 Happy Little Elves (10-7-1-2) at #2 Fresh Kills (13-4-2)
Location: Tompkins West, 2:00 PM
All-Time Series: Happy Little Elves lead 3-1
2011 Result: Week 16 – Game canceled due to “hurricane fears”
Game Notes: Although the Happy Little Elves have advanced to the semifinals, they have been suffering from internal turmoil since Week 17.  During their game against the Gouging Anklebiters, goaltender Shaun deLacy ranted for nearly six minutes about captains Ben Chadwick and Rich Glanzer’s egregious abuses of power over the last few months.  He was only silenced when Glanzer finally pulled him from the game, in yet another alleged abuse of his captaincy.  In the ensuing weeks, deLacy continued to voice his disapproval with Elves management, while slowly gaining his teammates’ and the fans’ support.  However, his crusade was dealt a setback in the opening round of the playoffs, when deLacy arrived 20 minutes late for his game, following a mysterious, anonymous text message that read, “G@m3 m0v3d.  $T@rT T!m3 n0w 4.”  This miscommunication only furthered deLacy’s cause, as he was incensed that his captains could allow this to happen.  As a result, deLacy and several other Elves, including Jerome “Hornswoggle” Ramos and Courtney McBride, sought the legal counsel of Julie Katz (who is a lawyer) to discuss potential legal action over the “hostile and unsafe workplace” that Chadwick and Glanzer had created.  The captains retaliated by gathering the entire team in the middle of the Tompkins Square Park for a vote of confidence in their regime.  Representatives for the offense, defense, women, and goaltenders all attended and voiced their opinions.  In the end, the majority of the team, including Garrett “Ax” Carrino, Melanie Pessin, Gil Valdes, and Gil’s son, voted “no confidence” and walked out on their captains.  Only a small handful did not walk out, including Ryan Nakahara (who has always preached “hustle, loyalty, and respect”), Melissa Budnick, and Rob “Smash” Muggeo, who no-showed after not responding to the meeting’s evite.  As a result of this overwhelming lack of confidence, the Elves Board of Directors, made up of Dr. Byron Clavicle, Grüte Skullbasher, the Great Gazoo, and Jonathan “The Barnacle” Levine, had no choice but to oust Chadwick and Glanzer from their positions.  In their place, the Board has appointed league face Trevor “T-Beau” Beauclair as interim captain and general manager.  Meanwhile, Fresh Kills enters this semifinal matchup on the heels of a convincing 6-0 victory against the Dark Rainbows.
Keys To The Game For The Happy Little Elves:
1. After a deLacy-like 3.73 GAA during the regular season, goaltender Shaun deLacy is having a very deLacy-like postseason.  Thus far, he has allowed just four goals in nearly three full games.  Like last season, the Elves will depend on his solid play to advance to the final.
2. Sophomore brunette, Ryan Nakahara, who only has loyalty to Chadwick and Glanzer, has decided not to play in this semifinal contest.  Nak has scored five of the Elves’ nine playoff goals.
3. Due to his modesty, interim captain Trevor “T-Beau” Beauclair is very uncomfortable in his new found spotlight.  Can this generally well-liked Canadian bring some unity to this now divided team?
Keys To The Game For Fresh Kills:
1. Captain Dave Sokolyansky and his team will be looking to enact revenge on the team that eliminated them from last year’s postseason.  Soko claims to have learned from last season’s mistakes and has vowed not to call a timeout if his team is winning by a goal with fewer than two minutes remaining.
2. This team features some of the best players you’ve never heard of.  Notables include Nick Scott (not to be confused with Nick Hobbs), Sarah Hobart, and Ashley Singer, who all scored on Sunday against the Rainbows.  And what the hell is a Matt Kazior?
3. Fresh Kills newcomer Scott Lee (not to be confused with Nick Scott) led his team to victory last week with two goals, including a breakaway caused by speed and cherry-picking.  For the remainder of the game, his teammates consistently tried to set him up for the hat trick, but as usual, he could not finish the job.
Eli’s Pick: Fresh Kills.  The Elves have won seven playoff games in a row, but this includes two wins in overtime, one in a shootout, and one at the final gun of regulation.  At some point, the breaks have to go the other way.
Derek’s Pick: Happy Little Elves.  This one’s pretty close to a toss-up for me, and I’m not sure I have a good reason for picking them.  What I do know is that the Elves enter every postseason game with a specific strategy, and so far, they have executed it perfectly.
Watchability: 5 Rhas. Two former champions in a playoff rematch.  What more could you ask for?

Matt May Have The Answer For Rich And The Elves

#14 Happy Little Elves (9-7-1-2) at #1 Corlears Hookers (12-6)
Written by playoff correspondent Abby “Tayne” Meisterman
Location: Tompkins East, 3:30 PM
All-Time Series: Corlears Hookers lead 5-2
2011 Result: Week 1 – Corlears Hookers 4, Happy Little Elves 1; Week 10 – Corlears Hookers 5, Happy Little Elves 0
Game Notes: Think back, if you will, to your childhood. There you were, a presumably pleasant child, sitting on a braided-rope rug in the rec or living room. Your mother is talking to your father about your grades, your sibling is listening to music, and Legos and Star Wars figures are strewn about you. Your cherubic face ignores all that and gazes up toward the epileptic light of the television. There, pouring out of a cartoon tree, are the Keebler Elves: joyous in their creation of delicious cookies and crackers, fanatic about their baking. There’s a certain delight that flickers through your eyes when you think of their tree-house on fire.
Now go forward, into your future. You and your friends are standing outside, waiting for the large, forbidding man to let you into the bar. It’s not that you don’t have the right clothes on — that Kangol hat is very in right now — just that the bar is full, and lots of people want to drink. Suddenly, a seemingly attractive woman approaches you and attempts to start a conversation. She wants to invite you to a party, a private party. You step off the queue and abandon your friends only to end up in a back alley with a man named Tito demanding payment for services rendered.
Now imagine these two parts of your lives coming together, chasing after an orange ball. Weird, right?
Abby’s Pick: Hookers
Watchability: Infinite

Nick Is Easily Amused

#12 Dark Rainbows (10-7-0-1) at #2 Fresh Kills (12-4-2)
Written by playoff correspondent Jesse Kalb
Location: Tompkins West, 3:30 PM
All-Time Series: Dark Rainbows lead 7-5
2011 Result: Week 2 – Dark Rainbows 3, Fresh Kills 2; Week 13 – Fresh Kills 7, Dark Rainbows 3
Game Notes: A clear indication of how tight the Hackett Division was this year: Number 2 overall seed and division winner Fresh Kills finished just five points ahead of the cellar-dwelling Dark Rainbows. Bill Parcells once said, “You are what your record says you are,” but by several metrics, the Rainbows are probably a better team than their #12 seed would indicate. Top 10 in point differential, 7th in scoring, 9-7 overall and a 5-2 record in a very tough division; all of it points to a team no one should be sleeping on. Fresh Kills rode a stellar defense (second-fewest goals allowed) to the 3rd-best record in the league, although nasty rumors are swirling that the team plied Derek and Eli with raspberry Mentos to move them up to #2. This is a very tough one to call, but if the opportunistic Rainbows can sneak in an early goal or two, the Kills might not have the firepower to come back.
Vegas Line: Fresh Kills by 1.5
Jesse the Greek says: The squares will see the difference in seeding and be all over Fresh Kills, but this one stays close. Take the Rainbows and the points.
Watchability: 5 candy corn mini-packs.

The Sexiest Game Ever!

#8 Denim Demons (11-6-0-1) at #7 What The Puck (10-5-1-2)
Written by playoff correspondent Sven Larsen
Location: Tompkins West, 2:00 PM
All-Time Series: What The Puck leads 12-4
2011 Result: Week 10 – What The Puck 6, Denim Demons 2
Game Notes: Canadiens-Bruins. Avalanche-Wings. Glanzer-Chadwick. Some hockey rivalries are just too bitter for words to properly capture. And WTP-Demons may just be the most intense rivalry of them all.  How much do these two teams dislike each other? Rumor has it that Demons Captain Adam Rubens was willing to pay big money for a private Wiggles concert on game day. His insidious plan to trigger multiple amber alerts and lead the WTP farm team away like some kind of BTSH Pied Piper was only foiled when his frugal nature got the better of him, and he hired Coach’s band to imitate the kid tune megastars instead. Needless to say, Aaron’s punk rock take on “Here Comes the Chicken Down the Road” only served to fan the flames of hate. Meanwhile, WTP Captain Larry Zimmer manufactured historical evidence in an attempt to convince Demons star Mike Pereira that he was actually the long lost brother of Filthy Gorgeous players Joe and James Pereira. Zimmer tried to convince the talented forward that he should “play with his family,” but Mike easily saw through the ruse (Note to Zimm, Pereira is not a French last name. You’re thinking of Perrier, dumbass.).  Child abduction, counterfeiting, Wiggles concerts. There is nothing these two teams won’t do to give them the edge in this game.  On a hockey note, both these teams are quite good.
Sven’s Pick: If WTP is able to ice a full lineup, there’s not a better playmaking team in the league. Demons have a slight edge in goaltending and the Kamen-Pereira 1-2 punch is pretty impressive. But I’m going with the team in blue and orange. WTP in overtime (probably on a goal by Darrell)
Watchability: 4 1/2 Capt’n Featherswords

Does One Of These Men Wear Women’s Shoes?

#11 Butchers (10-7-1) at #4 Poutine Machine (12-3-1-2)
Written by playoff correspondent Rich Glanzer
Location: Tompkins East, 2:00 PM
All-Time Series: Tied 1-1
2011 Result: Week 15 – Poutine Machine 4, Butchers 1
Cinderella apparently doesn’t want her slipper back from the Butchers, which is good because late at night when no one is looking, Chris DiMotta likes to wear women’s shoes. But apparently Sven is trying on Monica’s footwear too, as Poutine doesn’t want the clock to strike 12 either.  The Butchers surprised the BTSH world last year by upsetting the Rehabs and Demons on their way to the semis. This year, their road doesn’t *appear* to be as hard, having to go through two lower division teams in the Unicorns and Poutine Machine. Backed by a very good goalie in Eric Ramirez, a great scorer in Ben Bloom, and the veteran wiles of DiMotta, the Butchers are a tough out.  Poutine doesn’t score many goals. They are led by Captain of the Year Patrick Sven Larsen, and Tim Brown, the league’s best goalie (no offense Craig/Stein/Dustin/deLacy). Poutine is also one of the most spirited teams in the league, and their hard forechecking, play hard attitude will have to carry them past the more talented Butchers.  I see a very close game here…mostly because all Poutine games are close. They don’t score or give up goals. It’s sorta like BTSH’s version of soccer. But this game won’t come down to Bloom vs. Brown, it will come down to which Squirrel is mightier, Rachel Greene or Sven.  I give Greene a ton of credit for assembling this playoff-ready team, but I have to give Sven more credit (hence, the Captain of the Year). His team goes after it on the rink.  Very few times are there any teams with more members at the bar, and I just see the magic in Poutine that I saw with the Sky Fighters in ’09, and the Elves last year. I told a few people that I saw a Hookers/Poutine final before the playoffs started and though I hope I’m wrong with the Hookers, I think I’m right with Poutine. They advance, 2-1.
Game Notes: In case you didn’t get the Squirrel reference, Rachel Greene and Patrick Larsen co-captained the now defunct Mighty Squirrels. Why did they disband? Because they couldn’t beat the Elves in 2008. The Elves went 1-17-1 that year. The win was against the Tuques and the tie was vs. the Squirrels. Shame and humiliation forced the Tuques to change their name and the Squirrels realized they weren’t exactly Mighty since they couldn’t beat the league’s all-time worst team so they just divorced and went their separate ways. True story.
Rich’s Pick: Poutine
Watchability: 4 Ric Flair Wooooos