Archive for the 'Weekly Previews' Category

Week 16 Preview

Published
by
eli
on August 26, 2010
in Weekly Previews
. 5 Comments

Chris Doesn’t Like Being Touched

GAME OF THE WEEK
Happy Little Elves (6-4-0-3) at Sky Fighters (7-5-0-1)
Location: Tompkins East, 2:00 PM
All-Time Series: Tied 1-1
Game Notes: With only a point separating first from fourth in the Hackett Division standings, tensions will be high in Saturday’s clash between the Happy Little Elves and Sky Fighters.  Although the Elves have performed decently this season and are still in a good position to win the division, co-captain Rich Glanzer believes the team is still playing well below its potential.  The Elves currently boast the most goals on the season, but they have also allowed the most.  Thus, after months of in-depth analysis, film study, and computer simulations, Glanzer has concluded, “I’ve determined that it’s our team defense that has been the problem…So I’ve created what I am calling, ‘The Elves Team Defense Initiative!!’”  To help the league understand this complex project, Glanzer has provided this primitive sketch of his plan.  He adds, “From now on, I’ve instructed all Elves to play better defensively, and stop giving up scoring chances.  I’ve also instructed our goalie not to let the puck in as much.”  After viewing Glanzer’s diagram, Sky Fighters captain Dan Hopper seemed unconcerned about this initiative.  Hopper commented, “According to the sketch, it seems like the Elves want to have six players on the court.  Last I checked, that was still illegal in BTSH.”  Hopper also wanted to remind the league of the “Sky Fighters Defensive Initiative,” which is simply Martin “Ocho Cinco” Cejka playing defense for 50 minutes.
Keys To The Game:
1. While Glanzer’s artistic skills are limited, his coaching abilities should not be underrated.  When these teams last met in Week 19 of the 2009 season, Glanzer called a late timeout with the score tied.  During this break, he diagrammed the game-winning play, which not only clinched the Elves victory, but also preserved his place in the Survivor Pool.
2. Since the media uncovered Martin “Ocho Cinco” Cejka’s secret play for the Sky Fighters in 2008, a curse has befallen each of his teammates in the diagram.  Four separate incidents have caused Samantha Lee, Amy Lott, Chris “Big Sexy” Shumaker, and James Townsend-Butterworth to leave the team, leaving Cejka as the only player who is still on the team.  Thus, it may be only a matter of time before the Czech superstar is forced to leave for one reason or another.
3. With the Elves’ talented, yet sluggish, defender Eric “El Guapo” DiPierri expected to miss this week’s game due to a broomball tournament, it will be up to the hobbled Glanzer to bring down the average speed of the team.
Eli’s Pick: Sky Fighters.  Dan Hopper’s strategy actually works.
Derek’s Pick: Happy Little Elves.  Maybe the refs won’t notice the extra player.
Watchability: 4 Barnacles.  With the Dark Rainbows facing a very hot LBS, Inc., the winner of this game could be the division leader at the end of the day.

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Week 15 Preview

Published
by
eli
on August 19, 2010
in Weekly Previews
. 0 Comments

Sascha Is Thrilled To Renew Acquaintances With The Demons

GAME OF THE WEEK
Denim Demons (12-1) at LBS, Inc. (6-6-0-1)
Location: Tompkins West, 2:00 PM
All-Time Series: LBS, Inc. leads 9-1-1
Game Notes: Two of the hottest teams in BTSH collide in this Rubens Division battle.  The Denim Demons have won their last 10 games, dating back to their only loss of the season in Week 4.  They have allowed the fewest goals in the league due to the stellar play of all-star goalie Aaron “Coach” Pagdon and a nearly impenetrable defense.  In addition, the team boasts two of the league’s top 10 scorers in Zack Tinkelman (16) and Mike Pereira (12).  LBS, Inc. has also looked impressive in recent weeks.  The Corporation has won three games in a row and is back at .500 for the first time since Opening Day.  The offense has been en fuego over this stretch with 19 goals, bumping the team to a tie for second in scoring.  LBS, Inc. also has two players in the league’s top 10 in Karsten Pichon (14) and “The Alpha Male” Ken Poulin (14).  With the first game between these divisional opponents canceled due to “rain fears,” both teams will be looking to make a statement in their only meeting of the 2010 season.
Keys To The Game:
1. Depending on the outcome of the Sky Fighters/Corlears Hookers game at 1:00, the Demons may have the opportunity to clinch the Rubens Division in this game.  The chance to win a second straight division title and secure the top seed in the playoffs should provide the Demons with plenty of motivation.
2. LBS, Inc. captain Sascha Puritz is clearly well-prepared and excited for the Corporation’s first game of the week of 2010.  She noted, “We have hockey on Sunday?  I thought it was a bye week.”  She continued with several expletives upon learning that her opponent would be the Demons.
3. Although the Denim Demons have torn through BTSH this season, they have historically struggled against LBS, Inc.  They have won just once in 11 meetings with the Corporation, which includes last season’s 3-2 loss in Week 22.
Eli’s Pick: LBS, Inc.  The Corporation’s mastery continues.
Derek’s Pick: Denim Demons.   With the potential to clinch the division title and four players involved in the All-Star Game, this could be a banner day for the Demons.
Watchability: 4.5 Poulins.  Two high-scoring offenses on hot streaks should make for a very exciting contest.

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Week 14 Preview

Published
by
eli
on August 5, 2010
in Weekly Previews
. 3 Comments

Who Farted?

GAME OF THE WEEK
Filthy Gorgeous (8-3-0-1) at Corlears Hookers (8-3)
Location: Corlears South, 3:00 PM
All-Time Series: Corlears Hookers lead 6-0
Game Notes: Filthy Gorgeous has never beaten the Corlears Hookers.  These Rubens Division rivals last met in Week 5 when the Hookers edged Filthy 3-2.  Although the game was tied deep into the second half, Corlears Hookers leading scorer Gavin “Dutch’s Brother” Kearney notched a late game-winning goal to continue his team’s dominance in this series.  Despite this loss, Filthy Gorgeous persevered, going 6-0-0-1 in its next seven games.  However, this streak ended last week, when the Dark Rainbows handed Filthy a 3-2 loss.  The Hookers, on the other hand, enter this game on a modest three-game winning streak in which they have outscored their opponents 14-5.  The team is looking forward to returning to its namesake park to clash with an old rival.
Keys To The Game:
1. With Filthy Gorgeous listed as the road team for this matchup, the team may be forced to wear its alternate jerseys.  However, instead of donning their usual beige V-necks, team members have expressed strong interest in sporting Filthy’s electric lime green throwbacks as part of the league’s farewell to Corlears Hook Park.
2. Corlears Hookers goalie Dustin “Fake Dutch’s Brother” Olson is clearly amped for this game.  He has volunteered this lengthy video featuring his analysis of Filthy’s strengths and possible conflicts of interest.
3. In response to Filthy Gorgeous’ recent addition of a third Pereira brother, John “Scooter” Pereira, the Corlears Hookers have added a third Kearney.  This week, Brendan and Gavin’s eleven-year old brother, Stephen “Dutch’s Fake Other Brother” Kearney will make his debut for the Hookers.
Eli’s Pick: No pick.  Eli will be reffing this game.
Derek’s Pick: Corlears Hookers.  It’s tough to bet against this history.
Watchability: 4.5 Mangans.  Only one point separates these adversaries in the standings.

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Week 13 Preview

Published
by
eli
on July 29, 2010
in Weekly Previews
. 14 Comments

At Least One Person Likes The Mathematics

GAME OF THE WEEK
Gut Rot (4-6-0-1) at Mathematics (4-5-0-2)
Location: Tompkins East, 4:30 PM
All-Time Series: First Meeting
Game Notes: Two teams within striking distance of the MacNeil Division crown face off for the only time this season.  Prior to last week’s tough loss against the Denim Demons, Gut Rot had won three games in a row.  Included in this stretch were an overtime triumph against the defending champion Sky Fighters and a gratifying shootout victory over the Butchers (and many of their former teammates).  The team is now third in the division, four points behind the first place Tompkins Square Riots.  The Mathematics sit in second place, just three points behind the Riots.  They have won their last three games, including last Sunday’s 4-2 victory over the Unicorns, their most notable of the season.  They have also tallied 13 goals during this streak, which is more than half of their season total.  With Gut Rot and the Mathematics finally out of the cellar of the MacNeil Division, neither will want to relinquish its momentum.
Keys To The Game:
1. Although much of the media’s attention has been on Fresh Kills rookie goaltender Patrick Barch, Gut Rot’s rookie between the pipes, Bill, has also had a very solid season.  He has been a consistent backbone as the defense continues to build its chemistry following the offseason departures.
2. Mathematics defender Andy Pratt finally had his “Andy Pratt Game” last weekend, scoring three times against the Unicorns.  His presence on the point also generates numerous scoring chances for his teammates.
3. Vicky of Gut Rot and the Mathematics’ Ali Corsi have been friends since attending the same high school.  Much like Diana Hart, who was forced to watch her husband the British Bulldog and brother Bret “The Hitman” Hart wrestle each other during Summerslam ‘92, Vicky’s sister Susannah Pasquantonio is torn between her allegiance to her sister and her good friend.
Watchability: 3.5 Gilligans.  Mathematics spirit captain Laura MacNeil is super excited and “can’t wait” for this game.

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Week 12 Preview

Published
by
eli
on July 22, 2010
in Weekly Previews
. 2 Comments

“Damn It Derek, Enough With The Lime Green Shirts!”

GAME OF THE WEEK
Filthy Gorgeous (7-2-0-1) at Sky Fighters (6-3-0-1)
Location: Tompkins West, 1:00 PM
All-Time Series: Filthy Gorgeous leads 2-1
Game Notes: Two of the league’s highest scoring teams face off in this Weyersberg Conference matchup.  After a mediocre 2-2 start to the season, Filthy Gorgeous has steamrolled the competition, going 5-0-0-1 in its last six games.  The team’s offense has been on fire yet again this year, with the trio of Sunny Mehra (10), “Gentleman” James Pereira (9), and Suvin “The Guru” Malik (7) combining for 26 of Filthy’s 39 goals.  The Sky Fighters offense has also been potent, as the team has found the back of the net 36 times this season.  However, unlike previous years, when the team relied heavily on Czech national Martin “Ocho Cinco” Cejka, the Fighters boast a deeper and more balanced attack.  Six different players on the team have scored at least four goals, but no one has scored more than six.  With only two points separating these teams in the overall standings, both squads will be thinking about potential playoff seeding as we begin the home stretch of the season.
Keys To The Game:
1. Dan “D.O.” Owens has been rock solid in net for Filthy Gorgeous this season.  He has allowed more than two goals just twice.  However, he is yet to record a shutout.
2. Sky Fighters starting goalie James Stein has listed himself as “out” for this game with a bad case of scurvy.  Backup Robert Kucera is expected to start in his place. 
3. To counteract the presence of the Sky Fighers’ teenage prodigy Sam Lassner, Filthy Gorgeous captain Monica Russo has enlisted the help of a third Pereira brother: twelve year old John “Scooter” Pereira.
Eli’s Pick: Filthy Gorgeous.  They’ve quietly moved into second place in the Rubens Division.
Derek’s Pick: Filthy Gorgeous.  Scooter’s speed and hard wrist shot should complement the abilities of his linemates Joe “Monster Mash” Essock and Liza Watts nicely.
Watchability: 4 Workys.  With the Sky Fighters sporting their blue jerseys as the home team, will we get to see Filthy’s V-necks yet again?

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