On Sunday evening, the media had the distinct honor and pleasure to present their fifth annual Media Awards to some of BTSH’s outstanding players. The winners are listed below:

BTSH Regular Season Scoring Champion
Denis Miciletto (La Famiglia)

Best Goals Against Average
Dutin “Fake Dutch’s Brother” Olson (Corlears Hookers)

Biggest Face
Corey “Chongo” Winters (What The Puck)

Best Duo
Derek Tagliarino & Eli Kazin (Mathematics)

Most Underrated Female
Jenna Cruff (Happy Little Elves)

Most Underrated Male
Tom (Gut Rot)

The Stacy S. Kehoe Award For Toughness & Grace
Stacy S. Kehoe (Rehabs)

The Jon “Dinner Plate” Feldman Award For Agitation and Instigation
Luisa Mirarchi (Dark Rainbows)

The Fifth Annual Bob Weyersberg Award For Outstanding Achievement In The Field Of Excellence
Patrick “Sven” Larsen (Poutine Machine)

The Brendan “Flounder” Hay Memorial Award (Female)
Courtney (Unicorns)

The Brendan “Flounder” Hay Memorial Award (Male)
Mike Haas (Poutine Machine)

All-Media Teams

In addition to the awards, as per tradition, here are the year-end BTSH All-Star teams, as selected by the media:

1st Team All-BTSH:
G: Dustin “Fake Dutch’s Brother” Olson (Corlears Hookers)
D: Tiffany Hagge (Corlears Hookers)
D: Ariel Imas (Fresh Kills)
F: Noelle “Slapshot” Safar (Corlears Hookers)
F: Denis Miciletto (La Famiglia)
F: Ryan Nakahara (Happy Little Elves)

Olson finished the regular season with the league’s top goals against average, in addition to his three shutouts during the regular season.  Hagge, who had six goals in the regular season and one in the playoffs, replaces Meredith Danberg-Ficarelli, who had made three straight appearance on the blue line.  Imas anchored the defense for league champion Fresh Kills.  Safar joins her teammates, as she tied (with Hagge) for the female lead in goals scored.  Miciletto led all of BTSH with 21 goals, and Nakahara led BTSH in playoff goals (with five).

2nd Team All-BTSH:
G: Tim Brown (Poutine Machine)
D: Stacy S. Kehoe (Rehabs)
D: Kevin MacDonald (Poutine Machine)
F: Courtney (Unicorns)
F: Adriano “Muscles Marinara” Bratta (Mega Touch)
F: “Gentleman” James Pereira (Filthy Gorgeous)

Brown finished second in the league with a GAA of 1.13 and had five shutouts.  Kehoe exhibited toughness and grace throughout the season, earning her the aptly named Stacy S. Kehoe Award for Toughness & Grace.  MacDonald’s presence on defense helped Brown become a top goaltender and lifted Poutine Machine to the MacNeil Division title.  Courtney was among the female league leaders in goals scored with four and kept noted instigator Joe Polowczuk out of trouble.  Muscles finished second in the league with 18 goals, while Pereira returned from a serious injury to score 15, despite missing several weeks of action.

All Rookie Line:
G: Hilary Meyer (Rehabs)
D: Adela Ibric (Happy Little Elves)
D: Gilligan2 (Gut Rot)
F: Lilly Preston (Mathematics)
F: Sarab Lalri (Cobra Kai)
F: Lawrence Goldstein (LBS, Inc.)

Meyer had the third best GAA in BTSH with 1.56 and was a bright spot for the rebuilding Rehabs.  Ibric is a heel.  Gilligan2 joined his brother, Gilligan1, on Gut Rot’s blue line and played well, despite the team’s struggles.  Preston scored four goals during the regular season and another in the playoffs.  Lalri led all rookies in scoring with 12 goals, and Goldstein had 10 goals in the regular season and playoffs.

This Sunday, BTSH will once again hold its annual year-end extravaganza. Festivities will be held at Parkside Lounge following the conclusion of the championship game. This season, in addition to presenting several prestigious awards, the media will proudly host this distinguished event. To build your anticipation, here are this season’s media awards and nominees:

The Award For The Regular Season Scoring Champion

• Denis Miciletto (La Famiglia)

The Award For Best Goals Against Average

• Dustin “Fake Dutch’s Brother” Olson (Corlears Hookers)

Biggest Face

• Trevor “T-Beau” Beauclair (Happy Little Elves)
• Georgine “Mulva” Paulin (Butchers)
• Joe Polowczuk (Unicorns)
• Corey “Chongo” Winters (What The Puck)

Best Duo

• Rich Glanzer (Happy Little Elves) & Matt Workman (Filthy Gorgeous)
• Denis Miciletto & Shafiq “Off Black” Perry (La Famiglia)
• Derek Tagliarino & Eli Kazin (Mathematics)
• Mike Smith & The Anonymous Mathematics General Manager (Mathematics)

Most Underrated Female

• Jenna Cruff (Happy Little Elves)
• Chelsea Hicks (Poutine Machine)
• Libby Lewis (Corlears Hookers)
• Ashley Singer (Fresh Kills)

Most Underrated Male

• Tom (Gut Rot)
• Lawrence Goldstein (LBS, Inc.)
• Kevin MacDonald (Poutine Machine)
• Cory Watkinson (Sky Fighters)

The Stacy S. Kehoe Award For Toughness & Grace

• Tiffany Hagge (Corlears Hookers)
• Katie Hasty (Mega Touch)
• Stacy S. Kehoe (Rehabs)
• Lilly Preston (Mathematics)

The Jon “Dinner Plate” Feldman Award For Agitation and Instigation

• Peter Lang (Cobra Kai)
• Luisa Mirarchi (Dark Rainbows)
• Jeremy “The Foot” Schumacher (Gouging Anklebiters)
• Jesse Scolaro (Corlears Hookers)

The Fifth Annual Bob Weyersberg Award For Outstanding Achievement In The Field Of Excellence

• Dan Hopper (Sky Fighters)
• David Ladanyi (La Famiglia)
• Patrick “Sven” Larsen (Poutine Machine)
• David Sokolyansky (Fresh Kills)

The Brendan “Flounder” Hay Memorial Award (Female)

• Heather (Gut Rot)
• Michelle Bressler (Tompkins Square Riots)
• Courtney (Unicorns)
• Diane Johnston (La Famiglia)

The Brendan “Flounder” Hay Memorial Award (Male)

• Mike Haas (Poutine Machine)
• Nick Hobbs (Fresh Kills)
• Dan “D.O.” Owens (Filthy Gorgeous)
• Danny Polinsky (Denim Demons)

The women’s tournament will take place on Saturday, October 1 (rain date 10/8) at Tompkins Square Park, beginning at 10 AM. It costs $20 to play with all proceeds going to GGE – Girls for Gender Equity, a non-profit group that is committed to improving the physical, psychological, social and economic development of girls and women. There is a two-game guarantee with the top two teams playing in a playoff final. During breaks in the action, there will once again be an auction to throw pies in the faces of some of BTSH’s most visible characters. Tournament organizer Dana Kravis submitted the following promotional material regarding the event:

The rivalry is heating up between the captains of this year’s women’s charity street hockey tournament. Although Kami Moore tried to keep the peace, she actually ended up adding fuel to the fire by naming her team “Irene.” Meredith Danberg-Ficarelli, captain of team “Jonathan Taylor Thomas,” noted, “It’s just in really bad taste.  My parents’ lawn chair got knocked over by that storm, and I know a girl who lost a potted basil plant from her back deck in Brooklyn… just… gone.” Amy Jones, captain of team “Buffy Summers,” was insulted by Monica Russo’s choice of team name, “Rayanne Graff.” Says Jones, “I was Rayanne Graff, OK? The producers of My So Called Life totally based that character on my high school exploits, and did I ever see a dime of those royalties? No. I told Monica all of this at Ace Bar last week, and then she goes and names her team that.  BTSH rule number one, Monica. Rule number one!” Monica Russo claims to have no memory of that conversation at Ace Bar and was not available for comment after being noogied into submission by Danberg-Ficarelli. “That chick is jacked,” she was heard muttering after the noogying.

The one thing all four ladies agreed on was that every girl in the league should immediately register for the women’s tournament here:

http://nycwomensballhockey.myevent.com/

Stars of the Week

Third Star: Hilary Meyer, Rehabs.  Hilary withstood a barrage of Fresh Kills shots (and close misses from Scott Lee) to earn her first shutout of the season.  With the Rehabs offense unable to convert any of its own attempts, Hilary’s effort at least allowed the Rehabs to salvage a draw against the Hackett Division champions.
Second Star: Adriano “Muscles Marinara” Bratta, Mega Touch. After weathering an onslaught of criticism from a recently uncovered scandal, Muscles silenced his critics by scoring five goals in Mega Touch’s 6-2 win against Gut Rot.  Although Bratta still trails scoring leader Denis Miciletto by five goals, Miciletto has become worried about his chances of maintaining what once seemed like an insurmountable lead.
First Star: Joe Polowczuk Chris, Unicorns.  Joe scored both of the Unicorns’ goals, including an overtime game-winner with two seconds remaining to lift his team past Cobra Kai.  However, in a truly honorable move, he has dedicated this first star to his teammate, Chris, who is retiring from BTSH after several seasons and moving to Maryland.

Know Your Neighbor

Name: Mark Talercio
Team: Cobra Kai
Suggested Nickname: Sparky
Rejected Nicknames: Sunny, Ratboy, Verrazano, The Mosquito
Origin: Staten Island, NY
College: Arizona State University
Quote: “It’s not cheating if you don’t get caught.”
First Job: First mate on the Staten Island Ferry
Current Job: Writer for a major broadcast news outlet
Early Accomplishments: Stealing Billy Prescott’s snack pack in 1st grade without the teacher noticing
Current Accomplishments: With just one game remaining in the regular season, Mark has yet to be suspended.
Hero: Dan Rather
Reason to Love Him: Once a month, Mark visits a neighborhood hospital and reads to terminally ill children.
Reason to Hate Him: He only chooses books from the Nancy Drew series.
Best Known For: Leading Cobra Kai with nine goals in 2010
Fast Fact: Mark was the original selection to replace Charlie Sheen in Two and a Half Men, but later turned down the role over a contract dispute.
Favorite Things: The Price is Right, dry heat, Palm Walk, peach cobbler
Favorite BTSH Infraction: Being a dick
Least Favorite Things: University of Arizona, Deal or No Deal, static electricity, Marc (spelled with a c)
Hockey Comparison: Alexandre Burrows
Non-Hockey Comparison: Eddie Guerrero
Things The Media Will Continue to Overhype About Him: His pesty style of play, which earned him the 2010 Jon “Dinner Plate” Feldman Award For Agitation and Instigation
Down the Road: Mark is chosen as a contestant for the 2023 fall season of Survivor, which takes place in Nantucket.  He immediately draws the ire of his tribemates by eating more than his fair share of the rice rations and losing the fishing spear.  However, his behind the scenes manipulation lengthens his time in the game and endears him to host Jeff Probst.  Mark advances to the final three as an unlikely fan favorite, but ultimately loses to Eric, a toy designer from Everett, Massachusetts.

With just two weeks remaining in the regular season, the race for the 2011 BTSH scoring title is nearing a conclusion.  Here are the top contenders for this coveted achievement, which guarantees one pull from the media’s Mystery Box at the end of season awards ceremony:

Denis Miciletto, La Famiglia (21 goals): Miciletto has dominated the league this season, compiling a seven-goal cushion over his closest competitor. He has recorded a goal in 13 of La Famiglia’s 15 games and is currently riding a 10-game scoring streak. However, this streak is in some danger of ending during La Famiglia’s last two games. Miciletto will be shooting against two of the league’s top goaltenders in Eric Ramirez (Butchers) and Tim Brown (Poutine Machine). In addition, with La Famiglia having clinched the Donohue Division title already, captain Dave Ladanyi has hinted that Miciletto may only see a handful of shifts per game in order to rest up for the playoffs. Nevertheless, he remains the overwhelming favorite. Odds of winning: 1-10.

Shafiq “Off Black” Perry, La Famiglia (14 goals): Perry has benefited from being Miciletto’s linemate for the 2011 season, taking full advantage of opposing defenses’ focus on BTSH’s scoring leader. However, he is tired of living in his heavily tattooed teammate’s shadow, and Perry has vowed to claim the scoring title for himself, even if it means utilizing the “Jason Eitel method” of hockey, which involves no passing whatsoever. In fact, there are even rumors that Perry has bribed La Famiglia defender, and self-proclaimed league assist leader, Ant “Father Time” Ventolieri not to pass to Miciletto. Ant took the money, but can you really trust him? Odds of winning: 35-1.

“The Charismatic Enigma” Arthur Revechkis, Butchers (14 goals): Although he hasn’t been a strong contender in the scoring race for most of the season, Revechkis has made a serious push in recent weeks. He has scored nine goals in his last five games, propelling him to a tie for second in the league. Although he remains a long shot, Revechkis does have the advantage of facing La Famiglia this week to personally defend Miciletto and Perry, and the good fortune to draw the shaky Elves defense in his final game of the season. Odds of winning: 35-1.

Ben Bloom, Butchers (13 goals): Bloom always seems to find himself in the discussion of BTSH’s top scorers, but he has never been able to finish on top. As usual, his legendary refusal to back check has allowed him to cherry pick double-digit goals, keeping him in the league’s top five scorers. However, if he wishes to be number one, he has a tall mountain to climb, as he must first pass Revechkis, his own teammate. Of course, this means that Bloom will also get a chance to face a suspect Elves defense. Odds of winning: 45-1.

The Field (12 or fewer goals): Although very few players beyond the aforementioned top four have stood out this season, there remains a mathematical chance for anyone to win the scoring race. Some of the notables in this group include 2008′s scoring champion Adriano “Muscles Marinara” Bratta (MT), Gut Rot’s Tom, grizzled veteran Tom MacDonald (WTP), BTSH’s fastest and strongest player David Kenneth Fraser (DD), the heroic Rich Glanzer (HLE), the substantially less heroic Adela Ibric (HLE), goaltender Dan “D.O.” Owens (FG), Mike Haas (PM), and Julie Katz’s pick, the Sky Fighters’ Cory Watkinson. Odds of winning: 75-1.

Three Stars of the Week

Third Star: Eric Ramirez, Butchers. Ramirez recorded his fourth shutout of the 2011 season with a dazzling performance against the vaunted LBS, Inc. offense.  The Butchers’ 5-0 win snapped the team’s two-game losing streak and bumped Eric to fourth in the league with a 1.71 GAA.
Second Star: Courtney, Unicorns.  In the day’s most exciting game, Courtney scored the game-winning goal as time expired in regulation, giving the Unicorns a 4-3 win over Cobra Kai.  The goal came just a minute after Cobra Kai had tied the game, but with the game seemingly headed towards overtime, Courtney connected after receiving a long pass from league face Joe Polowczuk.
First Star: Alex Derhohannesian, Gouging Anklebiters.  Derho’s hat trick led the Gouging Anklebiters, who unveiled a new blue-less jersey on Sunday, to a 5-4 upset of the defending champion Happy Little Elves.  His third goal broke a 4-4 tie with 3:30 remaining in regulation, and the Biters were able to hang on to the lead for their fifth win of the season.

Shaun deLacy GAA Watch Update

This year, due to a series of stupid bets made by Happy Little Elves goalie Shaun deLacy, the media will track his goals against average over the course of the regular season.

Goals Allowed This Week: 5 (vs. Gouging Anklebiters)
Goals Allowed Previously: 43
Goals Allowed This Season: 48
Games Played: 14
Goals Against Average: 3.43
Next Opponent: Filthy Gorgeous (2.67 goals per game)

Shaun turned in another disappointing performance on Sunday, allowing five goals to the Gouging Anklebiters.  His goals against average has now climbed to 3.43 with just two regular season games remaining.  This Sunday, the Happy Little Elves are scheduled to face Filthy Gorgeous, who tallied five goals against the Elves in Week 12.  However, there are several unconfirmed rumors circulating that deLacy may not suit up this weekend anyway.

Know Your Neighbor

Written heroically by Tuques beat reporter Rich Glanzer

Name: Luisa Mirarchi
Team: Dark Rainbows
Suggested Nicknames: Luuuuuuuuuu, Louuuuu S A!! Luuuuuuuuu S A!!
Rejected Nicknames: La-Coo-Ma-Rachi
Origin: Brooklyn, NY
College: Mount Holyoke College
Quote: “My 2nd grade teacher gave me an A-minus instead of an A once. Once.”
First Job: Professional soccer player for the “Olympique” in Lyon, France.
Current Job: Executive at a Brooklyn start-up that raises money for NYC public schools
Current Accomplishments: NY State Chess Champion for her age group, ca. 1995; played professional soccer in Europe!
Current Failures: In 2011, was unable to hold on to her title as Brooklyn Heights beatboxing champion (2006-2010).
Hero(es): Mia Hamm, Jack Bauer, Rem
Reason to Love Her: Scored the regulation goal and an epic shootout goal against Team Moffo at Ocean City, leading Richie’s Kids to a 2-1 victory. (Well…that’s at least why I love her.)
Reason to Hate Her: Ever play against her?? If so, you know what I’m talking about.
Best Known For: Sending multiple people to area hospitals during the co-ed and women’s division tournaments in Ocean City. She always told her teammates how horrible she felt as her victims were taken off on a stretcher.
Fast Fact: She was lying to her teammates.
Favorite Things: Scoring goals, Elves (both the BTSH team and actual Elves), small people, hurting people
Favorite Candy: She never eats candy, but if she did it would be mini 3 Musketeers.
Least Favorite Things: Manute Bol, Zdeno Chara, Ben Chadwick
Hockey Comparison: Mark Pavelich, Jerome Victor Ramos
Non-Hockey Comparison: Hornswoggle, Eddie Gaedel, Danny DeVito, Gary Coleman, Webster
Things The Media Will Continue to Overhype About Her: Fluent in French and Italian, getting there with English
Down the Road: Luisa suffered the ultimate BTSH humiliation this season, losing both the Barnacle Bowl to the Happy Little Elves and the prestigious (yet imaginary) Fairy Tale Cup (also to the Happy Little Elves) with her current team…the Dark Rainbows. Luisa swears revenge against the hated Elves and reaches out to Gina Hackett and Kami Moore, who play for the Elves most hated rivals, the Rehabs. Luisa terrorizes the Elves and the rest of the league for many years. Area hospitals fill with hipsters, which help the economy rebound, as those unemployed vermin are now off the streets. In 2016, President $howT!m3 Melendez steals Luisa from What The Puck and appoints her to Executive of Offense (Luisa is nobody’s secretary). In 2018, after defeating Cuba, the USSR, Peru and Canada in World Wars, $howT!m3 is finally allowed back on the Rehabs by captain Meredith Danberg-Ficarelli, as long as he brings Luisa back with him. Luisa declines the invitation, and President $howT!m3 still does not have a BTSH team. Infuriated, President Melendez fires her from his staff. Thinking every other country in the world is weak, Luisa takes over the country once known as Kamchatka and renames it Luisa. There, she trains an all female-midget army and takes over America, also naming it Luisa. On the outside, Luisa seems like the most powerful and satisfied person in the world, but an E! True Hollywood Story will come out in 2023, revealing the one thing missing in her life is the prestigious (yet imaginary) Fairy Tale Cup. Luisa joins the Unicorns, and they  sweep the Elves, Rainbows and La Tuques Cinderella. Unfortunately, Luisa had the Unicorns switch their name to Luisa, and Derek and Elly rule that they are ineligible to participate in the triangular series. Devastated, much like Diane Johnston, Luisa quits BTSH. Another sad end to a fine career.

For the second consecutive season, the Weyersberg and Schumacher conferences faced off in the annual BTSH All-Star Game. The Schumacher Conference was out for revenge this year after losing an intense 3-2 matchup last season. To ensure victory, two of the conference’s greatest hockey minds were recruited to coach the Schumacher All-Stars. Unfortunately, Cobra Kai’s Enayet “Retail” Rasul and Poutine Machine’s Jo-Ann Provencher had to back out, and the conference was left with the tandem of La Famiglia’s Shafiq “Off Black” Perry and Mega Touch’s Julie Katz. To make matters worse, the Weyersberg Conference selected the beloved duo of Trevor “T-Beau” Beauclair and Melissa Budnick of the Happy Little Elves as its coaches.

League scoring leader Denis Miciletto (La Famiglia) opened the scoring midway through the first half to give the Fightin’ Foots a 1-0 lead. However, no more than a minute later, Fresh Kills’ Scott Lee–realizing he cannot finish–wisely passed to Dan Hopper (Sky Fighters), who equalized the game at one. In the closing minutes of the first half, Joe Fiore (Tompkins Square Riots) once again put the Schumacher Conference in front after a beautiful feed from Marcus Bonnée (Poutine Machine). Following some inspiring words from Beauclair, the Weyersberg All-Stars came out firing in the second half, and Bob diProspero (Denim Demons) tied the score at two. As the game wound down, familiar faces on both sides of the ball tallied goals once again, as Fiore and Hopper both netted their second of the game. With the score tied 3-3 after a five minute overtime, the 2011 All-Star game was headed to a shootout.

With the first five shooters all unsuccessful in their attempts, the fate of the game rested on the stick of the Anklebiters’ Alex Derhohannesian. As  darkness descended on Tompkins, Derho gave himself a small amount of liquid courage and took aim. Seconds later, he fired the ball into the upper corner of the net to seal the game for his conference and its namesake, Jeremy “The Foot” Schumacher. He commented, “Today was Schuie’s birthday, and I wanted to give him a very special present. Usually, I just get him a gift certificate to a day spa, but this was even better.” Anklebiters captain Phil “Sandy” Donohue added, “I couldn’t be more proud of my teammate.”

Winning coaches Perry and Katz were both thrilled with their performances, even though La Famiglia captain Dave Ladanyi was less than impressed. Ladanyi questioned Perry’s decision not to pull goalie Craig “Ug” LaCombe towards the end of the second half, despite the tie score. He was also insistent that Miciletto would have been a better option for the shootout than Derhohannesian. Ladanyi explained, “You have to go for the throat at the end of the game. You always pull the goalie. Always.  And Denis is the best in the league at shootouts. Has Alex ever converted one?” Ladanyi is not under consideration to coach the All-Star team next season.

Three Stars of the Week

Third Star: Andrew Therriault, Poutine Machine. As Therriault prepares to move to Nashville and say goodbye to BTSH, the media present this star in recognition of his years of dedicated service to the league.  Although Poutine Machine will surely miss his valuable contributions to the league’s top-ranked defense, the fans will look forward to the possibility of more playing time for defender Mike Haas.
Second Star: Peter Lang, Cobra Kai. Potentially aided by a kicky new summer hairdo, Lang put forth not one, but two, stellar efforts in goal.  In his first game, he helped Cobra Kai snap a five-game losing streak, while holding the Tompkins Square Riots to just one goal.  In his second game, Lang held What The Puck scoreless while filling in for the Dark Rainbows.
First Star: Gil Valdes, Happy Little Elves. Valdes continued his mastery over the Sky Fighters, recording two goals and the lone shootout conversion in the Elves’ 5-4 victory. These teams last met in the 2010 semi-finals, when Gil had a similar effort, scoring the game-winning shootout goal and notching the Elves’ only regulation tally.

Shaun deLacy GAA Watch Update

This year, due to a series of stupid bets made by Happy Little Elves goalie Shaun deLacy, the media will track his goals against average over the course of the regular season.

Goals Allowed This Week: 4 (vs. Sky Fighters)
Goals Allowed Previously: 39
Goals Allowed This Season: 43
Games Played: 13
Goals Against Average: 3.31
Next Opponent: Fresh Kills (2.86 goals per game)

Despite earning the win against the Sky Fighters, Shaun still allowed four goals, pushing his season total to 43.  As a result, he has mathematically eliminated any chance of finishing with a GAA under 2.50.  This will be thus be the final installment of the Shaun deLacy Goals Against Watch.  However, to placate Shaun’s massive ego, the media will continue to track his progress in a new feature titled the “Shaun deLacy GAA Update.”

Know Your Neighbor

Written by Tuques beat reporter Rich Glanzer

Name: Eli Kazin
Team: Mathematics
Suggested Nicknames: Elly
Rejected Nicknames: Eli, Kaz-Matsui, Eli-Ja-Woo-Woo-Woo-You Know it
Origin: Pleasantville, NY
College: Tufts University
Quote: “I like Michelle. Sometimes when it’s late at night, and you’re not around, she comes and pats me on my head.”
First Job: Salesman at LensCrafters
Current Job: Senior Media Analyst at Competitrack
Current Accomplishments: Has gone to Cooperstown for the past nine years to watch the ballplayers get inducted into the Hall of Fame
Current Failures: Is not on track to make the BTSH Hall of Fame as a player, though maybe as a media member. (Though he has to pick it up since Derek T. does most of the work)
Hero(es): Derek Tagliarino, Rich Glanzer
Reason to Love Him: He’s Elly! Everyone loves Elly!
Reason to Hate Him: His constant mocking of the Elves drove Ben Chadwick, Rich Glanzer, Sarah T., Hornswoggle, Shaun deLacy, Eric D., Dashing Trevor Beauclair, and newly recruited Heel Jr. to take over the BTSH comment section.
Best Known For: His friendly demeanor, clean cut image, and witty captions
Fast Fact: His captions really aren’t all that witty, but he can bench press 250 pounds [Ed: more, actually], and that is a lot!
Favorite Things: Derek T.  There is nothing else.
Favorite Former Tuque: Just like Diane Johnston, The Great Frank Russo
Least Favorite Things: Cobra Kai, the written part of the SATs, winning BTSH hockey games
Hockey Comparison: Mike Danton
Non-Hockey Comparison: Chris Sabo, Ricky Vaughn, Kurt Rambis, and soon, Marty Jannetty
Things The Media Will Continue to Overhype About Him: He almost has as many career goals as teammate Lilly Preston, who has four in her first season of BTSH.
Down the Road: After toiling with Math for another few seasons, it’s finally revealed by veteran BTSH oddsmaker Jesse Kalb that Elly was the Navy Seal who killed Osama bin Laden. Free of his double life, Elly can now take off his glasses and show the world his true self. While going to see his wife Miley Kazin play a concert at Madison Square Garden, Elly notices a bum begging for a quarter. The bum is wearing a Bratta Mega Touch t-shirt. After haggling the bum to 15 cents, Elly realizes he has unfinished business, and decides to come back to BTSH. Despite it being mid-September, Commissioner $howT!m3 Melendez says Elly can play for Math in the playoffs. Math goes on an incredible run, and beats the seven-time defending champion Poutine Machine, before destroying the Corlears/Tompkins/Bryant/Battery Hookers in the finals. As Derek T. goes to hug Elly, Elly shuns Derek and the rest of his teammates, and tells team Captain Sean “$howJu” McClain that he’s keeping the PBR Cup for himself. However, after his marriage ends and he’s the first person fired from Celebrity Apprentice, Elly is broke, homeless and has no friends. Derek T. eventually takes Elly back in and though Math is crushed by La Cinderella Tuques in the first game of the 2020 BTSH season, all is right with the world as Derek and Elly discuss BTSH and life.