Color: White
Year Founded: 2002
2008 Regular Season Finish: 13-3-1 (2nd place)
2008 Playoff Result: Lost to Fresh Kills in semifinals
Division: Schloeder
2009 Marketing Slogan: “We’re better than you.”
Key Additions: Dan Bernstein (Free Agent), Anne Grady (Relocation)
Key Losses: None

LBS, Inc. returns with its roster largely intact from the 2008 season.  However, the corporation has added a new intern and welcomed back a veteran employee to boost efficiency.  Director of Investor Relations Sam Anthony discovered Dan Bernstein on the street, while Bernstein was washing windshields for quarters.  Anthony was so impressed by the young entrepreneur’s business acumen and quick wrists that he hired Bernstein on the spot.  After an extremely successful stint in LBS, Inc.’s west coast branch in Los Angeles (working under VP of West Coast Operations Molly Jacobs), Anne Grady returns to the New York City office.  Grady’s experience will be a tremendous asset to the firm.

Despite these additions–and unlike just about every other BTSH team–LBS, Inc. remains largely pessimistic about its chances for the ’09 season.  CEO Sascha Puritz notes, “We are all older and fatter and slower and more out of shape than last year.  Oh, Karsten’s getting married! That’s some nice news but has nothing to do with hockey.”

Food They Closely Resemble: Caviar. Synonymous with luxury and wealth, they are usually recognized as the top status symbols among any of their peers.   However, one must also point out that they are still just eggs and have yet to reach their full potential.
Fast Fact: Sascha Puritz has never missed a deadline…ever.

ROSTER
Brad Allecia
Samuel Anthony
Brian “Grandmaster B” Barrett
Dan Bernstein
Jason Bogdaneris
Tom Capatosta
Alexandra Chenitz
Karen Erickson
Anne Grady
Erica Lee
Sascha Lehman
Fernando Limonic
Karsten Pichon
“The Alpha Male” Ken Poulin
Sascha Puritz (C)
Dustin Shutes
Alex Simon
Seth Wachtell
Phil Yang

Color: Black
Year Founded: 2002
2008 Regular Season Finish: 2-12-2-1 (16th place)
2008 Playoff Result: Lost to LBS, Inc. in first round
Division: Schloeder
2009 Marketing Slogan: “Crossing the border.”
Key Additions: Bob, Brooke, Leo (All Free Agents)
Key Losses: Hannah Stark (What The Puck), Tim “The Lantern” Olson

Jefferson filed the following report regarding Mexican Standoff’s 2009 season:

Mexican Standoff 2009: Hot fun injection.

Food They Closely Resemble: Hobo stew.  Comprised mainly of loose odds and ends that one can find pretty much anywhere, the end result is actually something very wholesome and enjoyable.
Fast Fact: Amanda’s great-great-grandfather invented the sequin.

ROSTER
Adam
Amanda
Andrew
Aynsley
Ben
Bob
Brooke
Dave
Ellery “The Nature Boy”
Gary
Haanwa (C)
Jason G.
Jason “The Hamburglar” R.
Jefferson (C)
Karey
Leah “Vick-ahs”
Len
Leo
Mary
Randy
Sarah
Tommy

Color: Light Blue
Year Founded: 2002
2008 Regular Season Finish: 8-8-0-1 (10th place)
2008 Playoff Result: Defeated Corlears Hookers in championship game
Division: Rubens
2009 Marketing Slogan: “Young at heart.”
Key Additions: Stephanie Feder, Mandy Lundstrom, Myrto Mylopoulos and Jessica Selman (All Free Agents)
Key Losses: Alicia Walker (pregnancy)

Among the many honors and privileges bestowed upon the champions of  BTSH, perhaps the most prestigious is each player’s chance to have a personal day with the championship trophy.  Here are some of the noteworthy tales of how the 2008 BTSH Champion Fresh Kills spent their day:

B.R. Rolya took the trophy to her favorite neighborhood bar, Parkside Lounge, to celebrate among her legions of Lower East Side admirers.  She spent the entire night buying rounds of Labatt’s for all in attendance and letting her adoring fans take photos with her.

Kevin “The Planet” Foster returned to his hometown of Dedham, Massachusetts, where a parade was held in his honor.  The parade ran the length of High Street and concluded at Dedham High School, where Foster gave a thirty minute speech on the merits of hard work and not doing drugs.

Alex Frenette had such a good time during his day with the trophy, he claimed to be his identical twin brother, Nic, the next day, so he could sneak in some more time with it.  Unfortunately, he did not run this by Nic, who never received his real turn as a result of his brother’s trickery.

Heidi “The Maple Leaf Muscle” Karst brought the trophy to the local New York Sports Club and posed an open arm wrestling challenge to anyone present.  She promised that if anyone could defeat her, he or she would get to keep the trophy for the rest of the day.  Despite this golden opportunity, Nic Frenette still could not have his day, as Karst walked out undefeated.

“Hollywood” Jeff Lesser, the reigning Most Exciting Player in BTSH, got a little too careless during his time with the trophy.  While running up Broadway with it held proudly over his head, Lesser tripped on a small pothole, causing him to drop and break it.

As a result of Lesser’s negligence, Bob “Olmec” Weyersberg had to spend his entire day repairing the trophy back to its orginal state.

Food They Closely Resemble: Gorgonzola Cheese.  Easily identifiable by its blue components, it has been around since the Middle Ages.  However, it is the “aging” that gives this item so much of its charm and appeal.
Fast Fact: Jeff Goldberg personal best in the shuttle run of the President’s Fitness Challenge is 9.8 seconds.

ROSTER
Caroline Currie
Shane-O DeBlasio
Stephanie Feder
Patty Fernandez
Kevin “The Planet” Foster (C)
Alex Frenette
Nic Frenette
Dave Gil de Rubio (G)
Jeff Goldberg
Ariel Imas
Amy Jones (C)
Heidi “The Maple Leaf Muscle” Karst
Jaclyn Lee
“Hollywood” Jeff Lesser (captain emeritus)
Mandy Lundstrom
Patrick Moore
Myrto Mylopoulos
Eugene Rha
B.R. Rolya
Brice Rosenbloom
Jessica Selman
Dave Sokolyansky
Mike Sokolyansky
Joe Tamburo
Scott Townsend
Bob “Olmec” Weyersberg

Color: Yellow
Year Founded: 2001
2008 Regular Season Finish: 10-6-0-1 (9th place)
2008 Playoff Result: Lost to LBS, Inc. in quarterfinals
Division: Woodsworth
2009 Marketing Slogan: “Rally up!”
Key Additions: Susanna (Cobra Kai), Iannis (Free Agent), Victoria (Free Agent)
Key Losses: Allison B., Jill

As one of the oldest teams in the league, the Unicorns are renowned for striking a good balance between fielding a competitive team and harkening to the “golden era” of BTSH.  They are never a team to be taken lightly in any game, but they never forget the purpose of the league: to socialize and have fun.

Team captain Christian sums up his team thusly:

We return with our core group intact along with some new blood, as we have added eight players (three men, five women).  Ted is back on the roster, returning from Montana, and is ready to play.  Our defense remains centered on the incredible goaltending of Craig “You Got 00″ LaCombe, and we continue to carry our team motto “CTFO: Chill the fuck out” to heart.  We pride ourselves on our tradition of creating a fun, competitive atmosphere for all our players, men and women alike (filling our role as one of the founding BTSH franchises).  This is our 9th season in BTSH, and we continue to grow and gel as a team.  After breaking our “choke in the playoffs” curse with our first round victory last season over the Rehabs, we aim to get our shot at the championship in ’09.

Food They Closely Resemble: Diner Style Mustard.  It’s yellow.
Fast Fact: Craig “Ug” LaCombe can name the entire 25-man roster of the 1984 Detroit Tigers.

ROSTER
Aaron
Allison
Amy
Brendan C.
Brendan G.
Caitlin
Chris
Christian (C)
Courtney
Craig “Ug” LaCombe
Iannis
John Mark
Katie
Lindsay
Mark
Nelson
Ryan
Sara
Sarah
Susanna
Ted “Biff”
Victoria

Color: Navy Blue
Year Founded: 2006
2008 Regular Season Finish: 12-4-1 (4th place)
2008 Playoff Result: Lost to Corlears Hookers in semifinals
Division: Woodsworth
2009 Marketing Slogan: “Going from ashy to classy.”
Key Additions: Joe Essock (Free Agent), Lindsay Nevins (Free Agent)
Key Losses: Paul “Ashy Larry” Vernon

After two mediocre seasons in 2006 and 2007, Filthy Gorgeous took a giant leap forward in 2008.  Spurred on by a fourth place finish in the regular season standings, Filthy advanced to the semifinals of the playoffs for the first time in the franchise’s short history.

The team boasts one of the most balanced and deepest attacks in the league, as it finished second in scoring last season, despite having no players with more than 10 goals.  Additionally, there is finally some stability between the pipes, as this will be the first year that Filthy has not had to find a new goalie.  Last season’s free agent sensation Dan Owens is returning, much to the delight of his teammates.  Captain Monica Russo exclaims, “We love Dan-O!”  Sadly, another beloved Filthy Gorgeous player will not return as Paul “Ashy Larry” Vernon now resides in Seattle.

Other team notes include:

• Joe Pereira lives in Los Angeles, but he’s still on the roster
• Filthy Gorgeous is not an oxymoron…if it were, it would be Filthy Clean
• The team will sport some new track jackets this year
• Matt and Becky Novick are married now (to each other)
• So is Fran Graziano (not to anyone on the team)
• The team cheer (“Let’s Do This Bitch!”) has remained the same

Food They Closely Resemble: Store Brand Anything.  Sure, it comes off as a little generic, and its spartan packaging doesn’t do a lot to draw attention.  However, the quality isn’t any worse than the flashy brand names, and it’s definitely a better value.
Fast Fact: Liza Watts’s favorite restaurant is The Olive Garden.

ROSTER
Chris Baker
Ali Berkin
Joe Essock
Fran Graziano
Jean Hebert
Dana Kravis
Homin “Maverick” Lee
Suvin “The Guru” Malik
Sunny Mehra
Lindsay Nevins
Becky Antar Novick
Matthew Novick
Dan Owens
James Pereira
Joe Pereira
Jon Rick
Monica Russo (C)
Liza Watts
Matthew Workman