Color: Navy Blue
Year Founded: 2006
2007 Regular Season Finish: 9-8 (9th place)
2007 Playoff Result: Lost to Rehabs in first round
Key Additions: Dan Owens (Free Agent)
Key Losses: James Stein (Sky Fighters), Paul “Ashy Larry” Vernon (Connecticut)
Fan Base: Sven

Filthy Gorgeous had an extremely hectic offseason this winter, but it did not involve any hockey.  Inspired by Paul “Ashy Larry” Vernon’s decision to leave Filthy Gorgeous and pursue his dream of winning the World Series of Dice, several other players have commenced their own non-hockey endeavors.  In December, Suvin “The Guru” Malik cut the ribbon on his very own flower shop in the West Village.  He specializes in daffodils and tulips.  Looking to settle down, Liza Watts created a love child with Haanwa Chau of Mexican Standoff.  The child’s name is Molly HaanWatts.  After a brief stint as a salesman, Jonathan Rick is now the assistant manager at Manhattan’s Men’s Wearhouse.  He thinks that pleated pants are due for a comeback.  On a dare, the Pereira brothers started their own plumbing company.  James is easily recognizable by his red overalls, while Joseph is easily recognizable by his green ones.  There is a rumor that they also saved a princess.  Captain Monica Russo sure has her hands full with this bunch. 

Rapper They Closely Resemble: Lil Weezy (Arthur Revechkis).  Certainly among the nicest in the game, but still not ready to hit the big time on their own.  However, they can claim to have worked with several members of the upper crust, and they’ve made it reasonably far that way.
Fast Fact: Homin “Maverick” Lee is excellent at climbing trees.

ROSTER
Becky Antar
Chris Baker
Fred Boucher
Jeff Giberstein
Fran Graziano
Jean Hebert
Dana Kravis
Homin “Maverick” Lee
Suvin “The Guru” Malik
Sunny Mehra
Matt Novick
Dan Owens (G)
James Pereira
Joseph Pereira
Trista Rajaratnam
Jonathan Rick
Monica Russo (C)
Sabrina Schulman
Liza Watts
Matthew Workman

Color: Black
Year Founded: 2001
2007 Regular Season Finish: 10-6-1 (8th place)
2007 Playoff Result: Lost to Corlears Hookers in quarterfinals
Key Additions: Mike “Cupcake” Bartlett (Pork Fried Rice), Hector “$howT!m3” Melendez (Unicorns), Alex “Villano VI” Zabala (Unicorns)
Key Losses: Daniel Torjman, Debbie Tomlinson, James Nicholson
Fan Base: Romeo’s Equipment Manager

In an effort to diffuse some of the animosity that has been lobbed in their direction in recent seasons, the Rehabs held a press conference to announce their newest members to the assembled media.  Here is a live (sort of) blog that summarizes the proceedings:

1:00 PM – Captain Brian “Stork” Welch enters the room to the sounds of AC/DC’s “Hell’s Bells”.
1:05 PM – After waiting for the song to finish, Stork introduces Sal Malguarnera, stating, “Every time Sal scores it’s like he’s kissing the opposing goalies like Michael Corleone kissed Fredo in that Godfather scene when they’re all in Cuba in white tuxes.  ‘I knew it was you Fredo’.  Yes Sal, and soon the goalies are gonna know it too.”
1:07 PM – New addition Hector “$howT!m3″ Melendez crashes through the podium, spilling a carefully placed pitched of water on Welch.
1:09 PM – After changing into a dry shirt, Welch proceeds to introduce Melendez and Alex “Villano VI” Zabala, who arrived in a package deal from the Unicorns.  Of Zabala, Welch offers, “Alex is one of the most underrated players in the league.  He’s a  guy who’s  capable of 25 plus goals this year.  Time to reintroduce him to the league.  Don’t blink.”
1:11 PM – Mike “Cupcake” Bartlett, who signed as a free agent after the dissolution of Pork Fried Rice interjects that he is also a candidate for 25 plus goals now that he no longer has to play on the same line as notorious ball hog, “the extremely overrated Ant ‘Father Time’ Ventolieri” (his words).
1:13 PM – Sliding in gracefully from the left side of the stage is John Gazley, the founder of the Rehabs, who has returned to New York City and will slowly be integrated back into the lineup so he can execute the famous Gazley Slide at least three times in each game.
1:15 PM – Welch and the five new/returning players hold up their new uniforms and pose for photos before leaving the stage.
1:22 PM – Jon “Dinner Plate” Feldman arrives, wonders where everyone is.

Rapper They Closely Resemble: Kanye West.  All the talent in the world, but can somebody please tell them to shut the hell up?
Fast Fact: Brian Wong enjoys playing hockey.

ROSTER
Chantel Arroyo
Mike “Cupcake” Bartlett
J.P. Chaput
Meredith Danberg-Ficarelli
Jon “Dinner Plate” Feldman
John Gazley
Gina Hackett
Molly Holder
Stacy Kehoe
“Con” Ed Lau
Michael Lewis
Sal Malguarnera
Hector “ShowT!m3″ Melendez
Kami Moore
Lateef Nurmohamed
Anthony Romeo (G)
Michael Sayre
Theo Waters
Greg Weitzman
Bryan “Stork” Welch (C)
Brian Wong
Alex “Villano VI” Zabala

Color: Royal Blue
Year Founded: 2001
2007 Regular Season Finish: 5-12 (16th place)
2007 Playoff Result: Lost to Corlears Hookers in first round
Key Additions: None
Key Losses: None
Fan Base: Mr. and Mrs. DiPierri

Phil “Sandy” Donahue filed the following report for his team:

The Anklebiters enjoyed an offseaon of rest and relaxation, and now look to take BTSH by storm in 2008.  A cohesive unit, these Anklebiters are ready to go to battle with a virtually unchanged roster over the last four years.
 
“We’re ready to leave a fat Cleveland Steamer on the chest of every team in (BTSH),” said former captain-turned league exec, Jeremy “Schuie” Schumacher.  “Dirty Sanchez, Rusty Trombone, 2 Girls 1 Cup…you name it, we’ll put in on ya in ’08!”
 
The team has a strong backbone starting in net with “Quiet” Mike O’Connor who has dropped 20 lbs over the winter and was often seen hitting sides of beef at Tony’s meats in Red Hook.

On offense, Alt. Captain Shannon Voto anticipates a successful campaign and will gladly welcome back a pair of women who were wed last season, Amy Kovner and Naomi Gabay-Schwab.  Both brides missed a significant number of games, and Voto looks forward to their return: “Now that Amy and Naomi are done gold-digging, we can finally get back to some hockey.  I mean, seriously, what is this ‘I can’t play because I don’t want to walk down the aisle with bruises’ crap?  Pretty lame.”

Rounding out the squad is the prolific goal scorer, Eric DiPierri.  Known as much for his misbehavior as he is for his offense, DiPierri has racked up a notorious reputation with 512 penalty minutes and two DC hearings in four years of BTSH play.  Still, his jersey is among the most popular among youths ages 14-19.  “What can I say?” pondered DiPierri.  “I live with my heart on my sleeve…and also still with my parents…and the kids out there are feelin’ that.”

What will happen in 2008 for the Anklebiters?  Only time will tell.

Rapper They Closely Resemble: Xzibit.  Folks have considered them a sleeping giant for years, but it doesn’t seem like they can execute consistently enough to hit the big time.   Plus, interests outside of their specialty may be holding them back.
Fast Fact: Alex Owen’s fortune cookies always predict success.

ROSTER
Christy Cabot-Bini
Charles DeFranco
Eric “El Guapo” DiPierri
Phil “Sandy” Donohue (C)
Naomi Gabay
Nick Gardella
Kim Gill
Megan Kelly
Jason Korsakoff
Amy Kovner
Mike Menkes
Caroline Morrissey-Bickerton
Mike O’Connor (G)
Alex Owen
Pete “Geech” Prohaska
Mike Ross
Jeremy Schumacher
Matt Tsiang
Shannon Voto (A)
Zack “Cryme Tyme” Weiner

Color: White
Year Founded: 2002
2007 Regular Season Finish: 8-8-1 (10th place)
2007 Playoff Result: Lost to Fresh Kills in first round
Key Additions: Brian “Grandmaster B” Barrett (Pork Fried Rice), Erica Lee (What The Puck), Mike Taylor (Pork Fried Rice)
Key Losses: Molly Jacobs (California Penal League)
Fan Base: Greenwich, CT

Despite boasting the league’s best duo (Ken “The Alpha Male” Poulin and Karsten Pichon), LBS suffered its worst season in recent memory in 2007.  A slow start resulted in a record of 2-6, until the offense exploded for nine goals against goaltender Tim “(S)crappy” Gray and the Mighty Squirrels.  That win seemed to rejuventate the players to their old form, until a late season swoon left them with a .500 final record.  Although they will miss the leadership of Molly Jacobs, who moved to California, LBS replaced her with another of the league’s top duos in Brian “Grandmaster B” Barrett and Mike Taylor.  If they can play as a cohesive unit and stay out of trouble, LBS may return to its former position among the league’s elite.

Rapper They Closely Resemble: Eminem.  When they’re on—really truly on—no one can stop them.  However, they’ve been known to coast on rep alone (see last year).  There’s a vast reservoir of talent here, but it’s often used in very questionable ways.
Fast Fact: Erica Lee prefers the window seat on airplanes.

ROSTER
Sam Anthony
Brian “Grandmaster B” Barrett
Tom Capatosta
Ali Chenitz
Wes Clarkson
Karen Erickson
Anne Grady
Erica Lee
Sascha Lehman
Fernando Limonic
Karsten Pichon
Ken “The Alpha Male” Poulin
Sascha Puritz (C)
Dan Rosenbaum
Dustin Shutes
Alex Simon
Mike Stretton
Mike Taylor
Siobhan Towey
Seth Wachtell (G)
Phillip Yang
Molly Jacobs (Honorary Member)

Color: Kermit the Frog Green
Year Founded: 2008
Fan Base: Kids ages 2-10 in Springfield 

The Happy Little Elves are BTSH’s answer to Scooby’s All-Star Laff-A-Lympics.  Much like Hanna-Barbera, BTSH found itself with a collection of unrelated and unaffiliated players with no place to put them.  Thus, much like Augie Doggie, The Blue Falcon, and Mumbly, players such as Jarome “Hornswoggle” Ramos, Jonathan “The Barnacle” Levine, and Jason Fate found themselves assembled onto a hastily arranged team.  Although this ragtag group does not have proper uniforms yet, their spirits remain high.

Captain Ben Chadwick (who was given the captaincy based on height), summed up his team:

We were bitten by radioactive Swedish elves and gained super hockey powers, and since we couldn’t find ice skates in our size at bargain basement prices, we collectively entered the competitive world of BTSH street hockey instead of the NHL… aided, of course, by the “mysterious disappearance” of an older team.  We do not manufacture toys.  That’s now done by our slaves, the Smurfs, which is why they’re not on TV anymore.

Whether The Happy Little Elves follow the winning tradition of the Scooby Doobies, the good sportsmanship of the Yogi Yahooeys, or the cheating ways of the Really Rottens remains to be seen.

Rapper They Closely Resemble: Justin Timberlake.  The street cred just isn’t all there as of yet.  However, there is still some serious potential to make a mark here.
Fast Fact: Stephen Alexander played tight end in the NFL for the Washington Redskins, San Diego Chargers, Detroit Lions, and Denver Broncos.

ROSTER
Demetri Adrahtas
Stephen Alexander
Jason Amada
Ben Chadwick (C)
Jason Fate (G)
Brian Ferry
Rich Glanzer
Jonathan “The Barnacle” Levine
Courtney McBride
Melanie Pessin
Jarome “Hornswoggle” Ramos
Shoshana Rudnick
Alyssa Schwartz
Marc Surchin
Kenneth Szeto
Charlotte Villamil
Doris Yeo