Filthy Gorgeous at Corlears Hookers,
3:00 pm, Tompkins Square West

You know how James Periera always asks Monica which team he’s playing that week? And then responds “I hate those guys!” Well he actually means it when he’s talking about the Hookers. For years the Pretend Habs were the monkey on Filthy’s collective back. The team they couldn’t beat. The team that always knocked them out of the playoffs. It was like the mid- ’90s Islanders playing the mid-’90s Rangers. Lots of animosity but not a lot of hope for one side

But things have been different lately. Now it’s like the current Rangers-Islanders rivalry. Still full of hate and bile but much more even.

That’s why the Hookers are stepping up their game. They know FG is going to be pumped and their current record doesn’t reflect the quality of play they’ve been showing all season. The Purple People Eaters have actually had this date circled on their calendar for a while. That’s why team mastermind Al Huang paid both Carey Price and the Sedin twins to throw their series. He didn’t want Dustin or Peter to be distracted for this crucial game. Unfortunately his budget couldn’t be extended to include James Reimer and John Tavares. So Filthy’s deadly duo of Periera and Malik will be similarly focused. 

Like the aforementioned Penguins-Isles series, we predict this one is going to come down to an unlikely goal from an unsung defender. For Filthy, our pick would be blueline stalwart Kamdyn Moore. For the Hookers, it will probably be veteran Jackie Spiegel.

This one is truly a coin toss, folks.

Fresh Kills at Skyfighters
4:30 pm, Tompkins Square East

Continuing our NHL theme, the deciding factor in this game will be who’s more broken up by the Canucks early first-round exit – Kills speedster Scott Lee or Skyfighters Netkeeper James Stein. Heads up to the Skyfighters – our reporters spotted Lee wearing a Columbus Blue Jackets t-shirt last night. When asked about it Lee replied, “This is my new team!” 

Advantage – Fresh Kills

Butchers at Poutine Machine
4:30 pm, Tompkins Square West

Hey Derek and Eli. Did you forget to tell us it was rivalry day? Seriously. WTP vs. Demons. Math vs. HLE. FG vs. Hookers. And now this? There are going to be some spirited matchups this Sunday!

The two teams that rose from the ashes of the Mighty Squirrels (remember them) meet up again. While the Butchers knocked PM out of the playoffs a couple of years ago, there really isn’t that much bad blood between these squads. Assuming Whitney Garrabant and Ashley McMasters don’t end up lining up across from each other this should be a pretty relaxed game.

Poutine will be playing with some urgency as they’re still looking for that elusive first “W”. But the experienced Butchers squad tends to not really shift in to top gear until a week or two before the playoffs. As team sage and perennial scorer Georgine Paulin has noted “It only takes four wins to get the PBR Cup”. Wise woman, that Georgine.

That being said, there has never been a game between these two squads that hasn’t been super tight. This one is another coin toss, folks.

Rehabs at Tompkins Square Riots
5:30 pm, Tompkins Square East

The Riots are another team looking for their first victory. And given the *ahem* unpredictable nature of the Rehabs play, this may seem like a good opportunity for them to earn two points.

But bad news, TSR. The Rehabs love the late time slot. Whether it’s hangover recovery, certain lupine instincts kicking in or just the fact that no one is watching, the In Treatment gang shine as the sun goes down.  You know what? Given their color scheme it’s probably some sort of vampire thing. I think I even saw Bryan Welch sparkle one time.

Bring your crosses and garlic, TSR. And content yourself in the knowledge that most fourteen-year old girls are on Team Frenette (not Team Feldman).

Gouging Anklebiters at LBS.
5:30 pm, Tompkins Square West
by Bill “the Smooth Wonder” Tucker

Curse those 5:30 games.  Teams that played early are already stumbling out of Ace, the late day squads are on their way and attendance is historically less than stellar.  Want a good reason to stick around the final game of the day?  How about three:

 

1)    The Best vs The Best – With the Anklebiters topping the Larsen Division (4^th overall) and Llbs holding fast to the best record in the Bratta (2^nd overall), this matchup features two of the hottest teams in BTSH.  How hot?  Combined, the Foot Nibblers and The Corporation have only two losses in ten games.  This is going to be a phenomenal contest.

 

2)    The Battle of The Old School ‘Tenders – Both keepers hearken back to the good ol’ days of Blacktop Street Hockey.  Craig “The Bearded Wonder” LaCombe still rocks an old school Jason style mask and Seth “The Mylec Wonder” Watchell continues to rock the plastic pads of our street hockey youth.  They also happen to be exceptional keepers, setting up a goalie battle of epic proportions.

 

3)    Last Chance For Comfortable Day Dri…I Mean…Day Hockey Watching With Beverages in Paper Bags – In case you haven’t seen it, the weather report for Sunday looks to be a cloudy but comfortable 65 degrees, potentially our last chance to enjoy a game before the summer swelter kicks us all in our collective keisters.  If you’re going to spend some time watching BTSH hockey, this is a great chance to do so.

 

Note: Since Cinco de Mayo, Dr. Tompkins has been missing in action.  Known to go for weeks at a stretch without human contact, I can only assume he’ll turn up eventually.  Until he returns, here is my prediction for this contest

 

Bill Tucker’s Official Prediction:  Biters / Llbs is a battle between flash and consistency.  While the Angry Puppies feature some of the league’s most explosive combatants, The Polo Shirted Donald Trumps are as disciplined and opportunistic as their namesake.  While I always go with the hungrier, more alcoholically motivated team, the Llbs might be too solid of a wall for the Biters to topple.  3-1 in favor of The Corporation. 

Mega Touch at Gut Rot,
1:00 pm, Tompkins Square East
by Abby “Phoning It In” Meisterman

Perhaps it is the booze that’s fueling Gut Rot! Last we saw the bootleggers, they were celebrating their first victory of the year against Poutine Machine. Though it cannot be confirmed (or hasn’t been at the time of this writing), it seems as if Ellery Gillette scored both their goals. Unfortunately for Liza Watts, this means she lost the bet and is now required to name her unborn child after the street hockey wunderkind. When asked if she would be keeping her promise, Watts replied “at least it wasn’t Mike or Larry.”

Mega Touch was less successful on Cinco de Mayo, as the Dark Rainbows kept a tight defense against the Katz-Bratta line and were coached to “guard anyone wearing striped-hockey-socks.”* There is far more talent on this team than just the aforementioned, but they tend to be unidentifiable when wearing hammerhead costumes or dressed as monkeys.** But there’s an idea: perhaps all Mega Touch team-members should appear in costumes so as to confuse their opponents!

Things to expect: A solid, well-matched game.

Things to hope for: The creepiest cosplay ever.

* This is a perfectly valid direction.

** Why don’t I recall this video being filmed in Paris?!

Gremlins at Dark Rainbows,
1:00 pm, Tompkins Square East
by Monica “In those days nickels had pictures of bumblebees on them” Russo

This should be fun.

GAME OF THE WEEK
Mathematics at Happy Little Elves
3:00 pm, Tompkins Square East

Editor’s Note: Did you really think Rich and Eli wouldn’t have something to say about this game?

Game Preview 1: The Elves Perspective
by Rich Glanzer

So as everyone in the BTSH Universe knows my birthday is May 23, and every year I celebrate my bday with my real family, the Happy Little Elves the Sundayclosest to the day. This is a big day for my opponents as every captain wants to be the team that can make legendary status and beat the Elves on my bday game. Last year Derk & Elly decided the Lbs. were worthy, and we crushed them and ruined their season when we beat them 6-1. They were basically useless after that game and no one remembers what they did after. (Cue the emails from Ken/Sasha)





Game Preview 2: The Math Perspective
by Eli “Belts” Kazin

The Happy Little Elves are looking good with a 5-1 record, but this week, the Elves face a stiff test as the Mathematics come calling.  The Elves and Mathematics have built an underrated, but generally fun, rivalry over the years.  Remember how Rich constantly mentions the Elves winning their first game ever (the real Miracle at Moffo, if you ask me) against the Tuques back in 2008?  Well, do you know who dealt the Elves their first loss ever?  That’s right, the Mathematics.  And what a loss it was.  Math thumped the Elves by a 6-1 score, and the Elves did not win a game again until Week 4 of the 2009 season.  Of course, Rich did score the Elves lone goal of that game, which should be noted in order to prevent Rich from constantly reminding us.  In recent years, matchups between these teams have focused on championship belts.  The Elves won the initial belt versus belt battle, but Math won back the belts in 2012, with Bradley Schmidt scoring the shootout winner, which he is always quick to point out.

So what is in store for this matchup?  Well, expect someone on Math to hit Ben Chadwick with one of the belts when the refs aren’t looking, allowing Math to gain a personnel advantage.  Expect multiple members of the Norris and Valdez families on the court at the same time.  Expect a lot of goals, because both teams are very adept at putting the ball in the back of the net.  And expect Math to win, 5-3, because nothing would be a better birthday gift for Math’s biggest fan, Rich Glanzer, than a solid win.

Rich’s video reply to Eli’s writeup

Editor’s Note: We don’t think any other writeups could follow this amount of self-indulgent pump-priming. So we’re giving you a break gentle readers.
Look for part 2 of our weekly previews later on this afternoon and Part 3 tomorrow morning. For now, just sit back and enjoy the craziness (assuming you’re on one of the eighteen teams that aren’t Math or Elves).