by Emeritus and Isaac

Well, with this year’s playoff format already decided and settled, can we get a show of hands from you, the greater BTSH Community, that finds it to be pretty stale? Like, eye rolling worthy as if they were wrestling centric previews from the past four or five years? Yeah, same here (Emeritus note – Let’s not hate on the wrestling centric previews, okay?). So here’s a modest proposal for next year’s playoff format…

The 2017 BTSH Playoffs will seed teams in a bracket with four five-team regions. The top seed in each region will be awarded to the regular season division winners, giving all teams an additional incentive to win the division. The fourth and fifth seeds in each region will be the teams that currently feed into the Opening Round in the current format (namely, the 13-20 seeds).

The second and third seeds in each region will be decided by ranking the remaining eight teams in descending order based on their final regular season points total (all ties broken using current tiebreakers).  Using the final 2016 regular season standings for illustrative purposes only, the second and third seed pool is as follows:

  1. Rehabs
  2. LBS, Inc.
  3. Fresh Kills
  4. Mathematics
  5. Gouging Anklebiters
  6. Sky Fighters
  7. Instant Karma
  8. Denim Demons

From that pool, the team with the best point total (Rehabs) will be the second seed in the region whose top seed is the division winner with the lowest point total (Mega Touch). The team with the fourth best point total (Mathematics) will be assigned the second seed in the region with the top overall seed (Fuzz). And so forth for the other two second seeds.

In order to be fair and equitable, the third seed in each region will be paired as follows: the team with the lowest point total (Denim Demons) will follow the team with the best point total (Rehabs), 7th following 2nd, 6th following 3rd, and 5th following 4th (LBS, Inc. with Instant Karma, Fresh Kills with Sky Fighters, and Mathematics with Gouging Anklebiters, respectively).

The winners of each region will advance to the Frozen Four (or whatever name Sam comes up with) with the Northwest squaring off against Southeast and Southwest against Northeast. (Why East versus West? Because I’m a child of 90’s gangsta rap and the debate over which coast did (or still does) it better is worth checking out. (SPOILER ALERT: it’s the east coast, Cherie.))

Based on that format, here is how the regions would be constructed using this year’s data. And Here…We…Go!

2017-playoff-format

Northwest Region (F*ck Your Couch)

The Fuzz will fit in nicely here.

The Fuzz will fit in nicely here.

  1. Fuzz
  2. Mathematics
  3. Gouging Anklebiters
  4. Gremlins
  5. Tompkins Square Riots

Northeast Region (Pickle-back)

Also helps to prevent cramps.

Also helps to prevent cramps.

  1. Butchers
  2. Fresh Kills
  3. Sky Fighters
  4. Cobra Kai
  5. Corlears Hookers

Southeast Region (Dirty South)

Surprisingly, Filthy’s game is fresh and so clean-clean.

Surprisingly, Filthy’s game is fresh and so clean-clean.

  1. Filthier
  2. LBS, Inc.
  3. Instant Karma
  4. Poutine Machine
  5. What The Puck

Southwest Region (Sour then Sweet)

Alex is mostly sour, but at least Julie is sweet.

Alex is mostly sour, but at least Julie is sweet.

  1. Mega Touch
  2. Rehabs
  3. Denim Demons
  4. Dark Rainbows
  5. Gut Rot

What does everyone think? Let us know on the league’s Facebook page.

by Ophelia Baulls

gremmie-stars

There’s three of them. They’re wearing yellow. So sure, they count as Stars.

THIRD STAR
Gut Rot “We come last, or not at all”

Trying to describe Gut Rot is sometimes like trying to describe that guy you want to set your friend up with, who maybe isn’t a total smokeshow but is SO awesome it’s tough to describe exactly WHY. Here’s why this week:

1. They lost their goalie in the last month of the season and kept those cute smiles on their faces and welcomed Worky into the net

worky-goal

Hero.

2. Perko dropped his stick onto the subway tracks and this is what happened

3. Liza Watts because of this real-life chat over our company IM

darko: what was the score?
ldubs: uh…we lost?
ldubs: pretty sure we scored one goal
ldubs: and they scored more than one goal
darko: that sounds right

SECOND STAR
Erich from Gremlins “When I move, you move. Just like that.”

erich-gremmie

Arrogant chump.

The word on the street is that Erich was like the vinegar in your 6th grade volcano-science-project, making shit ERUPT (but less foamy?) every time he stepped onto the court. The Gremlins and Riots battled hard but Erich was leading a Macy’s day parade into the Riots defensive zone whenever he tapped in. Homeboy sunk two in the net, for a 4-1 victory over the Riots.

FIRST STAR
Tia from Dark Rainbows “Location, location, location”

tia-location

Always putting herself and team in the best position.

Tia played in position like a bauss and nailed in two goals, securing a hearty victory for the Rainbows. Reportedly “well-stretched and highly caffeinated,” T-$ was in primetime goal scoring position and also breaking up Gut Rot’s offensive flow. Not only did she score twice, but she was picking up Rot passes like Perko picks up a stick: unexpected and slightly alarming.

Honorable mentions:

Liam of Cobra Kai for ensuring his team moved on to the next round by pumping two past the Hookers net minder.  Of all the teams that won this past Sunday the evil dojo looked the most dangerous.

Walkie-Talkie and Mia for keeping the courts open late so us hockey junkies could hang out and scrimmage.  Thanks for breaking it all down too.

by Perko from Gut Rot

With editor notes by Ophelia Baulls

As New Yorkers, we’ve been conditioned to do or not do numerous things we might encounter each day. Giving up your seat to a pregnant or older citizen (ed note: like Richie, or Richie), never speak to or look at a shrieking homeless person in front of McDonalds, never go to Times Square, always argue the fastest route to Ikea, and NEVER GO ON TO THE TRAIN TRACKS. All rules I gladly abide by with enthusiasm and routinely stress to out-of-towners; however, this past Sunday I willingly, for the sake of Gut Rot and the spirit of competition, broke one of those cardinal rules.

subway-tracks

NEVER GO ON TO THE TRAIN TRACKS!

Standing at the very end of the L train at 14th St. Union Square, the most optimal position for de-training at 1st Ave., I was listening to music and generally getting myself hyped for a triumphant victory over Fart Rainbows. As any hockey player will surely understand, if you have a stick in your hands, you will spin it a few times just to make sure it is still working (?). Little did I realize when I woke up that morning, I would be tempting fate like I never have before (and that is saying a lot), because my beloved hockey stick of several years, tumbled from my hands, rocketed from the platform, and landed perfectly between the tracks.

That mug says it all.

That mug says it all.

My mouth agape, palms facing up like some taxi just cut me off in a crosswalk, I looked to my left and made eye contact with a man holding a laptop, wearing a drab safari hat and a pony tail any deadhead would envy, then right to a young blond women with a look just as flabbergasted as mine. After the initial shock and evaluation of my commitment to BTSH, I removed all possessions from my tailored track pants (ed note: appreciate pants-type specs), threw them on that fateful yellow threshold I would soon ignore.

I leapt down onto the tracks, quickly scooped up my stick like I had just dropped my dick (ed note: I have never dropped my vagina), and tossed it back onto the platform. I looked up to find my fellow commuters to find their faces drained of colour and in absolute disbelief, as I had done what you’re never supposed to do. With pure appreciation of their willingness to help me back up, I gruffly declined and summoned years of hockey board jumping wherewithal to boost myself back to safety. I quietly gathered my belongings and shoved them back into respective pockets, while I tried to hide my junkie-like withdrawal shakes, violent and completely involuntary. The adrenaline coursed through my veins, I could taste in my mouth, smell it in my nose, and feel exit my body with every deep exhale.

Man and stick happily reunited.

Man and stick happily reunited.

I had not planned on drinking that day, but within a 45 second window my whole outlook had changed from, “maybe I’ll do laundry after hockey” to “life is great and it’s a great day and I’m alive, so let’s celebrate.” I have dropped things on the tracks before (ed note: but not your dick), only to leave them with a few audible curses and pure inconvenience. Hockey is different, BTSH scheduling is strict, and a beloved hockey stick has memories of glory and defeat ingrained in every scrape and chip, for which I was not willing to sacrifice at the altar of the MTA. Sunday, I walked away with life, limbs, and stick, all intact and ready to drink.

img_20160925_161031

Corlears Hookers 1-3 Cobra Kai Final
Corlears Hookers: Tiffany Hagge
Cobra Kai: Will Green, Liam Martens x 2
Goalie Win: Nick Blair

Gut Rot 1-4 Dark Rainbows Final
Gut Rot: Michael Gilligan
Dark Rainbows: Josh Wilson, Mike Roberts, Tia Lendo x 2
Goalie Win: Kevin Longwell

Gremlins 4-1 Tompkins Square Riots Final
Gremlins: Maire Lane, Erich Graham x 2, Iannis Tourlakis
Tompkins Square Riots: David Frost
Goalie Win: Jamie Batuwantudawe

What The Puck 2-1 Poutine Machine Final(SO)
What The Puck: Noah Carter
Poutine Machine: Brian Sullivan
Shootout: Winner by Eric Higger
Goalie Win: Peter Clarke

The playoffs are finally here, BTSH!  And these opening round matchups look like the perfect recipe to end up being beautifully nasty.  So, let’s. Get. BIZ-ZAY!!!

Corlears Hookers at Cobra Kai
by Rachel G

Lots of drama surrounding the Hookers goalie situation, which most of us don’t really care about. What we do care about – which version of the Hookers are showing up this week? The team that won a championship a few years back?  Or the one that got clobbered by Math…twice? Listen, I can talk about Danilo, Eitel, Tiffany, and that guy who looks like Eitel and is super into Zog…but will they show up? Consistency has definitely been an issue with that squad, which earned them a place in the bottom 8, but I can say with certainty…I don’t want to see them next round.

Same can be asked about the Dojo..which team will show up? Will it be Liam, Will and Pete dancing around us all? Or Jenks throwing a tantrum? When they are feeling it – this team can take on any team in BTSH. Most importantly they now have more Rachel-power than any other team in the league… I think that should get them past the first round as long as they don’t bring Altman back to offend womankind everywhere.

Let’s hope Cobra Kai wins so we can be done with this Cro-fueled sneaky goalie nonsense.

Prediction: Liam and #dojorachels are too savvy to allow just any FA goalie to hop in net for the Hookers and they’ll move on to the Round of 16 (-1.5 goals).

Gut Rot at Dark Rainbows
by Rachel G

What can we say about 2016 Gut Rot?  We all loved them. Gilligan, Tommy, Scotty K, Peaches…yeah, pretty sure they scored all their goals for the season. But if Heather didn’t dress up like a box of wine, what would this league be? Who can compete with Diane’s smile, even as she begs, pleads and harasses to get refs for us every week?

Gut Rot 2016

Gut Rot 2016

Rainbows, I’m sure you’ve got a number of goals in there. Even without league-loved seasoned agitator Aaron Friedman, I’m sure you’ll be just fine. Your mouthy new rookie can take care of that. Tia’s moment of flying under the radar might be done, I’m calling a goal for her this week, and Roberts and probably about three other people.

Love you, Gut Rot, but I’m calling this 5-1, DR.

Prediction: You just read it.  Dark Rainbows (-3.5 goals).

Gremlins at Tompkins Square Riots
by Rachel G

jamie-b-grems-vacation

Jamie, JW needs you to be wearing that shirt AT the rink Sunday, not wherever the hell you are.

 

It’s been a rough season for the Gremmies, they flirted with being sent out of the Welcome to the Johnson’s division again, they also flirted with Cheeky in her courting period, just to lose to Mega. But they also won 3 out of their last 4 games. Now it’s the playoffs and that rough season is a whole different story. When this team decides to bring it, they can take down anyone. Maire, Erich, Rod, they can change a game in a moment. I hear JW stole some charity money to fly Jamie back from whatever corner of the globe he ran off to. Similarly, the Riots are not to be underestimated by their record or division. This is a gritty, determined squad who will fight and earn every goal. I’m not sure if you were on social media last week, but Showtime had his mouthful of Dave Gil de Rubio, and rightfully so…did you see that game?! He’s not the only one to look out for, Drew and Joe have moves that leave the league’s best defenders flat-footed. Although they haven’t scored any NWHL ringers, these ladies are some of the best out there – don’t underestimate the two-way play of Laura MacNeil, or Amy’s stalwart defense.

Close one, I’m guessing Gremmies by 1. Can’t hold Erich down in a close game.

Prediction: Gremlins survive this round to get demolished in next (+0.5 goals).

What The Puck at Poutine Machine
by Kid Kazin

Since this is a Round of 16 qualifying game, there will be a metal briefcase suspended high above the West court.  Inside of it, a contract that guarantees the winning team a playoff game on October 2 against a top 4 seed of the league’s choosing.  To earn that contract…wait, the wrestling-laden He-Views were last week?  Okay, fine, we’ll put on the journalism cap for this one…

Refs, you should be nervous if Jo-Ann is not helping you ref Poutine's game.

Refs, you should be nervous if Jo-Ann is not helping you ref Poutine’s game.

The Fighting Poos could have earned a bye and avoided this playoff game with a win last Sunday, but a late Anklebiters goal sealed their position as the #14 seed.  And while a lot of the surface stats for this matchup with the league’s second-best orange clothed team clearly point in Poutine’s favor, the game should be close and competitive.  Sure, Poutine won eight games during the regular season to What The Puck’s four.  And yeah, their goal differential of +7 is way better than What The Puck’s -18.  Plus, they have Brian Sullivan.  What The Puck doesn’t have Brian Sullivan.

But let’s look past the surface a little.  Poutine’s regular season record was inflated by seven division wins, as they went 1-7-1 outside of their division.  Okay, so that one win was against What The Puck, but it was only by one goal.  And What The Puck played some of their better games this season against tougher competition, knocking off the Anklebiters, taking the Butchers to overtime, and losing to Fresh Kills by one.  We’re also expecting savvy veteran Corey to be present for What The Puck, and he always ups his game for the playoffs.

Prediction: Emily, Corey, Justin M., Jordan, and the rest of What The Puck fight valiantly, but can’t overcome the Fighting Poos sound defensive structure.  Charlotte, Kevin, Whitney, A.J., and Scott lead the charge to keep What The Puck at bay, and a timely goal from Brian Sullivan extinguishes any lingering hopes of an upset.  Poo Nation moves on to the Round of 16 with a hard-earned 3-1 win (-1.5 goals).