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Twin Dekes by Rachel K

Can the Twin Dekes come back from last year’s heartbreaking loss in the ‘ships to win it all this year?  If they can their shit together long enough, probably.

Post-Seacrets Twin Dekes

Post-Seacrets Twin Dekes

Hockey Beach virgin Cro has joined the team – expect to see him outside of the bar trying to talk his way in without an ID or with a Bud Light tall boy in his hand wandering the beach. He went down to OC on Monday with Nic & (Brian Sullivan Alert) Brian Sullivan from Poutine, so there’s a 50% chance he doesn’t make it to the weekend. Stay tuned! Rounding out the team we have WTPers Justin and Mike Dude, Coach from Fuzz, the BROsens, and fellow Rainbow Mike Roberts (currently playing through a broken dick). Also, non-BTSH mystery men Will and Russell were late additions…they don’t even go here! Unlike Rich Glanzer, Twin Dekes has no problem getting women and has a strong female contingent with Liz Alden, Jenn Popack, Susie Lai, Emily Moore, and yours truly. Even though Cecil Harambe was determined to collect all of the Hockey Beach Rachels (and managed to steal Rachel Longley), I stuck it out because I love dicks. I mean DEKES, dekes. If you hear yacht rock bumping and catch the scent of stale beer, house party, and bad decisions, congratulations you’ve found our bench. Resident rockstar Mike ‘The Dude’ and his band The Nuclears are playing Peppers Tavern on Friday (9pm, you guys!) to kick off the weekend, so things should escalate quickly. I could talk about hockey, but everyone knows that Saturday night at Seacrets is where the real heroes are made. Expect Twin Dekes out in full force guzzling booze and getting weird on the dance floor. I’ll only remember about 80% of what happens at Seacrets, which is definitely for the best. Emily & Mike, who literally found love in a hopeless place last year at OC (in Seacrets), will be celebrating their 1 year anniversary, and what better place than where they had their first date met dirty grinding. Will we witness the start of another BTSH power couple this weekend? The answer is most likely no, we’ll just see a lot of sweaty dancing, dance floor make outs (DFMO), and someone throwing up on themselves, but hey…you never know!

Drunk Machine by Drunk Machine

The first draft ended up just being the lyrics of Big Sean’s hit “I Don’t Give A F*ck”

We are just better than you.

We are just better than you.

You don’t know who’s on our team?  We are Poutine.  We will be drunk.  We will destroy you physically, mentally and alcoholically.

You can’t hang with us.

Who are you?

Charlotte will squat Rich…  Because he is small and weak.

Come at us Bro.

Sea Section by Drew Peacock

Born from blood and scalpels, the Sea Sections arrive at Ocean City with only one thing on their minds: getting drunk on the beach.  Sure there’s hockey, Seacrets, and the water park, but to this crew of mostly Anklebiters with an accent of Gut Rot and a Rehabs goaltender, the mission is clear.

“I just wanna make sure I wake up still an anal virgin,” said captain Probie of the Anklebiters. “Or at least someone bought me a few drinks first.”

The least you could do is buy him a couple drinks first.

The least you could do is buy him a couple drinks first.

Proud owners of a collective six gold medals at the BTSH Olympics, this squad boasts some high profile professional drinkers who are glad to have a noon (latest slot) start time on their first game – courtesy of tournament organizer and team member Worky McParty.

“I plan to be face down in a pool of my own urine until 11:53,” said McParty. “Hey, decision is in your hands, what would you do?”

Still, the Sea Sections are ready for the sport courts and vow to demonstrate discipline in preparation for their tournament run.

“We may have a few crab bloodies before we play,” said Caroline of the Anklebiters.  “But we now have a strict no pre-game blow policy this year.”

Basic Beaches by Amy A

Lifetime Movie Network presents: You Can’t Keep a Strong Woman Down: The Basic Beaches Story

Psycho Booty

When high-powered CEO Suz Pasquantonio ends up in the hospital with a broken foot after a black SUV with tinted windows runs her down just a week before Ocean City, hardened detective Amy Jones and her sassy partner Laura McNeil will stop at nothing to take down the person, or persons, responsible. That SUV was gunning for Suz. Accident? Ha. That was no accident. 

Theories? Oh, Jones and MacNeil have theories alright. Of course, the easy answer is that the hit came from someone on Rich Glanzer’s team, as a protest against the fact that the Beaches have taken all the women. All the women! (Except Suz’s sister Vicky. Hmmm… some sort of jealous sister revenge plot? Was Suz always the perfect one? Was it unbearable to try and compete with her for mom and dad’s attention? To live in her shadow all these years??) But Jones and MacNeil are skeptical. That all sounds a little too easy, and god knows we couldn’t go past two commercial breaks with that plot.

But what about some of the supporting characters in Suz’s beach hockey weekend plans? Could the culprit be Suz’s new assistant, Vanck? He seems too good to be true. And where did he come from, anyway? We tried calling his last company for references, but nobody there had ever heard of him. Or what about company marketing director, Alok? He’s been at the company just as long as Suz. There’s no reason she should have been promoted before him! How about Suz’s slightly overzealous new friend, Rachel? A flashback showed that she spent years in an asylum upstate after losing to Suz in the Camp Narragansett Talent Show in 1988, and we’re pretty sure she just bought the exact same shinguards as Suz. Friendly neighbor Sebastien is always willing to collect Suz’s newspaper when she’s away, but he also has a creepy room in the basement that is covered with surveillance photos of her and newspaper clippings (they are mostly coupons). Joe Fiore (screen name WillCharmU) hasn’t even met Suz in person, but felt a real connection with her during their online chat sessions – until she blew him off for what was supposed to be their first date. He has stopped going to work so he can cyberstalk, and regular stalk, her 24/7. Lorenz — well, we don’t know much about him, but he has a Swiss accent that could be considered sinister, if you say to him, “Lorenz, say something, but say it with a sinister accent!” And how is it that longtime drinking buddy Amy A ended up on the Beaches’ roster just moments after Suz emerged from the hospital, all hopped up on Percocet and whatever Joe P gave her to drink on the sidelines just after she was carried off the court? And, speaking of longtime drinking buddies, will Heather wear  Ocean City short-shorts during all the games?

Jones and MacNeil aren’t alone in their quest for answers. While they do official police work, they’ll turn to computer whiz Fallon to hack passwords, run checks on credit cards and trace phone calls. They’ll also get advice from Lieutenant Dave, though he’ll mostly say stuff like, “Bad guys. They just keep doing bad stuff. And it’s our job to stop ’em.” Other Basic Beaches will be doing some of their own investigating. Michael, owner of Suz’s favorite coffee shop, is sure he remembers seeing a dark SUV with tinted windows hanging around outside last week, two or three times. Instead of giving this information to the cops, he’ll follow it out to the woods in his own car the next time it shows up. (Sorry Mike, there’s no cell service out there, and this character always dies.) BFF Stephanie is suspicious of everyone mentioned in the paragraph above, everyone in the tournament, and everyone. She starts asking questions. (Sorry Stephanie, this character always dies, too.) Savvy Sheena will be sure to arm herself with a crowbar and a hockey stick and a cell phone with many bars and she’ll learn karate before she goes into Suz’s model home to investigate that newly-broken window. 

Will Jones and MacNeil solve the mystery before the entire Basic Beaches roster is on crutches? Will Heather wear Ocean City short-shorts during all the games?? Is there really a book called The Day My Butt Went Pscyho??? Find out this weekend, beaches!

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You wake up with a cigarette butt in your mouth and a Philly Cheese Steak stuck to your stomach.  Your eyes fight their way open as the sun pours through the windows of an unfamiliar room.  Wait, not so unfamiliar, this is the Seahawk Motel.

It all comes rushing back.  Holding back your teammate’s hair while she hugs the porcelain throne.  Remembering that you guys hooked up on the Seacrets dancefloor.  Did anyone see?  Will it be awkward later?  Fuck it.

Sand is everywhere.  In your toes.  On your face, your hair.  You can feel it running down your shirt as you sit up and look around.

Your three roommates are all passed out around you.  One of them made it on to his bed.  Two of them have clothes on.  The clock reads 9:53.  You have a game at 10:00 across the street.  Let’s fucking go!

Phil D of Sea Section

Kum & Go by J-Dubs

OC Promo Worky

Just a couple more spots open!

I asked team captain and one-man-party Sam Norris what makes this team so special. His response to me was “Mumble, mumble, glurg, glarg, glurg.”.  He was too busy wolfing down hot wings and chugging Pabst (somehow at the exact same time?) to answer my question. I think what Sammy WOULD have said is this: what’s not to love about this team?  Take your pick – Jamie’s laugh (and insane glove hand), the triumphant return of Becky Norris from overseas, the fact that we have the Commissioner, Walsh’s Tito’s and tonic recipe (oops, I gave away the recipe), Georgine’s calming presence, JW’s NON-calming presence, Barretta’s re-defection to the US, Eli’s sweatband, a crazed Scotsman, and I will leave the rest of our secret arsenal players……a secret.  Also, let’s face it, when we look at OCs past, the name of the game has always been to kum………and go.

Cecil Harambe by Richiehero

Last year Derk, Ariel and I were on Plan B (Pullouts). We received this email a few months ago. “Hey guys , how are you? Just so you know we would rather you be dead than for us to ever play with you again. Any chance some other team can take you?”

Cecil greets Harambe in Animal Heaven by trying to send him to Animal Hell.

Cecil greets Harambe in Animal Heaven by trying to send him to Animal Hell.

Originally we were going to be called Muzz to combine Math and Fuzz but with only one Math member, that seemed ridiculous. So we decided to combine with Fresh Kills and be called Fuzz. (F for the Fresh Kills and uzz for Fuzz) But then Harambe started blowing up in all the memes and Derk felt bad that Cecil wasn’t getting any play so we will be honoring both.
How will our team be? We still don’t know if we have Gabe or not. We asked him literally 9 times and the last 8 times he said, “I already told you I’m not playing, stop asking me! And why is Cro sending me naked selfies? This is getting weird.”
Gabe is highly considering our offer!

Gabe is highly considering our offer!

I won’t bore you with the roster. I’d prefer to bore you with wrestling references! But suffice to say, with so many Fresh Kills guys, we stand a very good chance of being the team that the Shortis will beat in the finals. Speaking of the Shortis, I hate when captains take things too seriously and try to win. Adding Jeff??? Really? Rachel Greene is going to be so pissed at you Julie, trust me I know! I mean, you sorttttta make up for stacking your team by having Tim (I gave up an overtime goal to Rich Glanzer) K. as your goalie, but still.

But I digress. Our team is going to be loads of fun. While Rachel (The Nodding Mansplainer) quit the team, we still have Rachel N.

Nabatz pretty much is the party. Hicks promises to eat 3 more crabs than Julie and taunt her endlessly about it. I plan on wrestling many people on the beach, both men and women and both people I know and I don’t. Catherine B. is probably going to be so mortified by our antics that she will beg Amy to take her on her team, but Worky probably will not allow it and tell us just to chill. We will of course not listen.

But most of all, you are all invited the best party bus of the night. When we come home from Seacrets and chant the three best words in the American language. USA!! USA!! USA!!!

USA!! USA!! USA!!

USA!! USA!! USA!!

Shortis by Olivier

Cette 4e et plus récente édition de la franchise des Shortis tentera de prolonger la tradition d’exceptionnelle réussite dans le domaine de l’excellence, qui est depuis le tout début le seul et unique objectif de cette équipe officiellement commanditée par Wawa. Après un couronnement grandiose lors du premier tournoi Hockey Beach il y a déjà un an, les Shortis ont voyage partout dans le monde a la recherche d’adversaires dignes leur talent et de leur intellect: le pittoresque village de Feasterville PA, puis, eh, Feasterville PA encore une fois, avant finalement retourner la où tout a commencé, à la merveilleuse station balnéaire du Maryland : Ocean City.
Malgré un noyau relativement stable, des changements de personnel ont du être réalisés au fil du temps pour diverse raisons. Les irremplaçables Gunnar (blessure au haut du corps), James Stein (en attente de son 3e enfant légitime, son 367e nouveau-né au total, et le recensement continue), Roman (trop énigmatique), le couple Ann & James (ils ne nous trouvent pas assez beaux), Sam et Ben (les traitres !), MDF (impliquée dans un mariage de convenance), ainsi que l’ex co-capitaine Rachel (suspendue de l’équipe indéfiniment pour ses frasques a l’extérieur du terrain) furent rapidement et facilement oubliés, alors que les divas Alexis et Mia, des Sky Fighters, et les d’autant-plus-divas Liam et Will, en provenance de Kobra Kaï, se joignent au groupe de champions que sont Alexa, Jeff, Brady, Olivier, Pete, Caroline, Greg, Tim, ainsi que le revenant d’outre-tombe Dan Hopper, le tout dirigés d’une main de fer par la capitaine, directrice générale, présidente et grande mangeuse de crabes Julie Katz.
L’équipe des Shortis souhaite a tous les participants de la deuxième édition de  Hockey Beach un merveilleux tournoi, et que la meilleure équipe gagne ! Sauf si cette équipe n’est pas les Shortis.
shortis1

The Shortis will live on forever as the first-ever Ocean City champs, just like the first-ever Stanley Cup winners… the, uh, [Googles it] …1873 St. Catherine’s Mustacheroos. Both legends.

Translation courtesy of Google Translate.

The fourth and latest edition of the franchise Shortis attempt to prolong the tradition of outstanding achievement in the field of excellence, which is from the beginning the only goal of the officially sponsored by Wawa team. After a grandiose coronation at the first Hockey Beach tournament there is already a year the Shortis have traveled around the world in search of worthy opponents their talent and intellect: the picturesque village of Feasterville PA, then, eh, Feasterville PA again, before finally returning to where it all began, in the wonderful resort of Maryland: Ocean City.

Despite a relatively stable core of personnel changes had to be made over time for various reasons. Irreplaceable Gunnar (injury to the upper body), James Stein (awaiting its third legitimate child, her newborn in total 367th, and continues census) Roman (too enigmatic), the couple Ann & James (they we are not beautiful enough), Sam and Ben (traitors!), MDF (involved in a marriage of convenience) and the former co-captain Rachel (suspended from the team indefinitely for his escapades was outside field) were quickly and easily forgotten, while divas Alexis and Mia, Sky Fighters, and even-more-divas Liam and Will, from Kobra Kai, join the group of champions that are Alexa, Jeff Brady, Olivier, Pete, Caroline, Greg, Tim and the ghost from the grave Dan Hopper, all directed with an iron hand by the captain, Executive Director, President and great eating crabs Julie Katz.

The team Shortis wish all the participants of the second annual Hockey Beach a wonderful tournament, and may the best team win! Unless that team is not the Shortis.

Written by JW

One of our favorite BTSHers is BACK!  That’s right, Becky Norris has returned from a long hiatus overseas, and we all couldn’t be happier. I am so happy that she is back that I was inspired to write a piece about her triumphant return. However, I then decided that an interview would be even better, so Becky and I sat down together at the Russian Tea Room for a talk.  (That part probably didn’t happen.)

Though, Jamie did happen to spontaneously capture this candid photo of us:

 

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Becky and I practicing our figure skating lifts. #olympicdreams

 

Becky!  It’s so great to see you!  So, tell our readers, what exactly were you doing while in Cambodia?

Driving tuk tuks and trying to meet a real man (mission accomplished.)

Becky Norris and James

Becky and her real man, James. As the kids say these days……..”adorbs”.

What will you miss most about Cambodia?

Big Cambodian smiles, the driving (not!), baby lizards, sugar palms and green rice fields, spicy salty mango dip, the big, clear, blue skies each day, cute Khmer kiddies, seeing motos overloaded to the brim, homemade banana and jackfruit ice cream, Khmer iced coffee, macaque watchin, and my pet stairway bat.

I know that you played street hockey in Cambodia. Can you tell us more about that? 

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Yes, I played in the CHL, and it was remarkably similar to BTSH. In fact, we had our very own Rob Walsh.

 

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Why are you most happy to be back? 

  1. To hear Jamie’s laugh.
  2. To attend Amy’s Ocho de Mayo again.
  3. To drink at another BTSH bar that’s super dark during the middle of a beautiful Sunday (though HiFi gets points for its framed Dylan records).
  4. Grow the Norris/Johnston/Bobber empire now that Z and D are getting hitched, Caroline re-joined and James just joined.
  5. To be a Mathlete again …
  6. … and beat Fuzz.

What is the biggest change you’ve noticed in BTSH since you’ve returned, if any?

More women at the helm!! #DanielleIsWomanHearHerRoar

What hasn’t changed is Glanzer still talks about having nice calves, and JW still likes all. FB. posts. #anddontforgetthehashtag

While I have you here, Becks, I might as well ask you some questions that aren’t related to your hiatus…

 

If you were going to play on a BTSH team that isn’t Math, which team would you pick and why? (I am by no means suggesting that you leave Math, they have had enough spillage recently. We’ll edit this part out later.)

Mega so I can wear jean shorts w/ the team when it’s 95 degrees out…and Julie will feed me candy.

What’s your favorite Taylor Swift song?  (Wait, what, umm…how did this get in here. I’m not a Swiftie or anything, what would even make you think that??)

I’d say Bad Blood, because it reminds me of the time CHERIE LEFT MATH!

“Baby, now we’ve got bad blood
You know it used to be math love”

#JK #CantHateARiveter #AndMichelleIsStillAMathlete!

What was your most embarrassing moment in life?

When I lost to Rich in arm wrestling.

What is your favorite thing about me? (Rachel Greene: oops, did I make this about me, as usual?)

That you’re a #niceguydick

Who is your favorite musician/band/recording artist?  (Mine definitely ISN’T Taylor Swift.  Wait, did you bring her up?)

Did you not see my earlier response about HiFi? Bobbie D.

Lastly, and most importantly, do you fold your pizza New York style (or are we not friends anymore)?

Sometimes.

 

Well, Becky, I guess we are only sometimes friends, then.  Though I LOVED all your hashtags. 

Other than that, I guess there is nothing left to say except…….WELCOME BACK KIDDO!!!

by Rachel K

This was a very difficult week for 3 stars. Seriously, everyone was a star. All of you. You’re all goddamn stars. Never change, BTSH. Here we go.

3stars

THIRD STAR

Craig L from the Gouging Anklebiters

From the BTSH Hall of Fame

From the BTSH Hall of Fame

You know why you’re 3rd star…. …it was the glove contribution, of course, and its timeliness. Also, the Wiz Khalifa Black & Yellow reference didn’t hurt your case. Aside from that, we can all agree that you embodied everything that BTSH stands for at the Olympics, and gave the people what they wanted. For that, we thank you. I just want to put it out there that it took me 2 years in the league to realize that Craig was DJ Bubblebath, so feel free to publicly shame me. Also, sorry for putting you in the Dog House last week. Ok fine, this is a pity star.

SECOND STAR

Charlotte from Poutine Machine

Champion

Champion

Look at that textbook form!!!!! First of all, despite being away earlier in the weekend with her family, she came back just to show up for Poutine at the BTSH Olympics! And boy, did she show up. Not one, not two, but THREE events – Case Race, Flip Cup Tournament, and 2 Girls 1 Cup. 2 Girls 1 Cup was especially memorable (amirite?), with her and hottie teammate Emily M losing by the tiniest hair to the women of Gut Rot. You won in my book, ladies. Charlotte had absolutely no quit in her & drank like a champion, and that’s why she gets 2nd star. (Sidenote: Do I smell a rookie of the year contender????)

FIRST STAR

Phil D from the Gouging Anklebiters

Thank You

Thank You

3 Stars was hard, except for this star. Phil deserves a medal and a special place in the BTSH HOF for bringing back what clearly is one of the best BTSH events. It took 6 long years, but BTSH Olympics are back and, if I have anything to do with it, aren’t going anywhere. Phil was instrumental in locking down Parkside Lounge which was the perfect venue –drink specials for the league, a catwalk, and a private back room so that we could pack as much nudity into hot legs as possible. He also MC-ed the event and kept the events rolling on throughout the night, which as BTSH-ers get drunk is like herding cats. Really, really drunk cats. NOT ONLY THAT guys, his team obliterated the competition in Case Race. CASE RACE CHAMPIONS. Shout out to his team the Anklebiters who came out in force and assisted in the Case Race victory.

Honorable Mentions:

This Guy

This Guy

Rich G from Fuzz, after spending weeks and weeks claiming he could bench multiple people, Glanzer finally put his money where his mouth is and squatted (Brian Sullivan Alert) Brian Sullivan.  (For the video, go to the league’s Facebook page.)  Bonus points for the SAVAGE drop at the end.  And a hat tip to Mikey who was there to clean BSA off the floor.

Crime Stoppers: 1-888-555-0451

Crime Stoppers: 1-888-555-0451

Patsy Flabongo from the Free Agent List, despite being brand new to the league, everyone welcomed her with open arms (and mouths). She drank with too many people to count, outlasted all of us, went to Sing Sing where she allegedly brought the house down with a soulful rendition of Cat Stevens “Wild World”, and then quietly sacrificed herself to the party gods on behalf of BTSHers everywhere. Rest in peace, Patsy. You will be missed.

Everyone else: A HUGE shout out to everyone who took off their shirts, pants, filter, and/or dignity Sunday night. You are the unwritten heroes of this week. Keep BTSH weird.

**Notably absent from this list is the BrOcean City crew, who went down Monday and can’t stop throwing in our faces that they are on a beach while the rest of us are sitting at work like a bunch of jabronis. Can’t knock the hustle, but the FOMO hurts pretty bad so save some shenanigans for when the rest of us get there.

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Corlears Hookers 2-5 Filthier Final
Corlears Hookers: Noelle Safar (3), Tiffany Hagge (7)
Filthier: Suvin Malik (5), Denis Miciletto (17), James Pereira x 2 (11), Shafiq Perry (5)
Goalie Win: Tim Kayiatos (8)

LBS Inc. 3-1 Poutine Machine Final
LBS Inc.: Scott Kaston (10), Cherie Stewart x 2 (5)
Poutine Machine: Kevin Macdonald (1)
Goalie Win: Tim Brown (7)

Sky Fighters 3-4 Fresh Kills Final(SO) 
Sky Fighters: Michael Teytelbaum (20), Robert Kucera (6), Jason Rosenstock (via Butchers)
Fresh Kills: Tom Rush (12), Gabe Chenard-Poirier x 2 (11)
Shootout: Winner by Gabe Chenard-Poirier
Goalie Win: David Liang (via Mathematics)

Cobra Kai 3-0 Instant Karma Final
Cobra Kai: Rachel Longley (4), Liam Martens (9), Paul Brown (4)
Instant Karma:
Goalie Win: Nick Blair (5)

Gut Rot 1-3 Mathematics Final
Gut Rot: Larry Gillian (1)
Mathematics: Amy Anderla (1), Sam Norris (11), Mike Demaria (1)
Goalie Win: David Liang (7)

Fuzz 4-1 Rehabs Final
Fuzz: Jeff Laniado x 3 (11), Miles Hilder (16)
Rehabs: Sena Ito (4)
Goalie Win: Aaron Pagdon (10)

Gremlins 1-3 Tompkins Square Riots Final
Gremlins: Alex Rockoff (1)
Tompkins Square Riots: Joe Fiore (4), Rob Meehan (via Free Agent), Vanck Zhu (2)
Goalie Win: Dave Gil De Rubio (6)

Mega Touch 2-1 Dark Rainbows Final
Mega Touch: Julie Katz (4), Alex Eben Meyer (7)
Dark Rainbows: Rachel Klion (1)
Goalie Win: Mike Tuckman (7)

Butchers 0-1 What The Puck In Progress

41 minutes remaining

Butchers:
What The Puck: Eric Higger (4)

Denim Demons 0-0 Gouging Anklebiters In Progress

39 minutes remaining

Denim Demons:
Gouging Anklebiters: