Filthy Gorgeous at Corlears Hookers,
3:00 pm, Tompkins Square West
You know how James Periera always asks Monica which team he’s playing that week? And then responds “I hate those guys!” Well he actually means it when he’s talking about the Hookers. For years the Pretend Habs were the monkey on Filthy’s collective back. The team they couldn’t beat. The team that always knocked them out of the playoffs. It was like the mid- ’90s Islanders playing the mid-’90s Rangers. Lots of animosity but not a lot of hope for one side
But things have been different lately. Now it’s like the current Rangers-Islanders rivalry. Still full of hate and bile but much more even.
That’s why the Hookers are stepping up their game. They know FG is going to be pumped and their current record doesn’t reflect the quality of play they’ve been showing all season. The Purple People Eaters have actually had this date circled on their calendar for a while. That’s why team mastermind Al Huang paid both Carey Price and the Sedin twins to throw their series. He didn’t want Dustin or Peter to be distracted for this crucial game. Unfortunately his budget couldn’t be extended to include James Reimer and John Tavares. So Filthy’s deadly duo of Periera and Malik will be similarly focused.
Like the aforementioned Penguins-Isles series, we predict this one is going to come down to an unlikely goal from an unsung defender. For Filthy, our pick would be blueline stalwart Kamdyn Moore. For the Hookers, it will probably be veteran Jackie Spiegel.
This one is truly a coin toss, folks.
Fresh Kills at Skyfighters
4:30 pm, Tompkins Square East
Continuing our NHL theme, the deciding factor in this game will be who’s more broken up by the Canucks early first-round exit – Kills speedster Scott Lee or Skyfighters Netkeeper James Stein. Heads up to the Skyfighters – our reporters spotted Lee wearing a Columbus Blue Jackets t-shirt last night. When asked about it Lee replied, “This is my new team!”
Advantage – Fresh Kills
Butchers at Poutine Machine
4:30 pm, Tompkins Square West
Hey Derek and Eli. Did you forget to tell us it was rivalry day? Seriously. WTP vs. Demons. Math vs. HLE. FG vs. Hookers. And now this? There are going to be some spirited matchups this Sunday!
The two teams that rose from the ashes of the Mighty Squirrels (remember them) meet up again. While the Butchers knocked PM out of the playoffs a couple of years ago, there really isn’t that much bad blood between these squads. Assuming Whitney Garrabant and Ashley McMasters don’t end up lining up across from each other this should be a pretty relaxed game.
Poutine will be playing with some urgency as they’re still looking for that elusive first “W”. But the experienced Butchers squad tends to not really shift in to top gear until a week or two before the playoffs. As team sage and perennial scorer Georgine Paulin has noted “It only takes four wins to get the PBR Cup”. Wise woman, that Georgine.
That being said, there has never been a game between these two squads that hasn’t been super tight. This one is another coin toss, folks.
Rehabs at Tompkins Square Riots
5:30 pm, Tompkins Square East
The Riots are another team looking for their first victory. And given the *ahem* unpredictable nature of the Rehabs play, this may seem like a good opportunity for them to earn two points.
But bad news, TSR. The Rehabs love the late time slot. Whether it’s hangover recovery, certain lupine instincts kicking in or just the fact that no one is watching, the In Treatment gang shine as the sun goes down. You know what? Given their color scheme it’s probably some sort of vampire thing. I think I even saw Bryan Welch sparkle one time.
Bring your crosses and garlic, TSR. And content yourself in the knowledge that most fourteen-year old girls are on Team Frenette (not Team Feldman).
Gouging Anklebiters at LBS.
5:30 pm, Tompkins Square West
by Bill “the Smooth Wonder” Tucker
Curse those 5:30 games. Teams that played early are already stumbling out of Ace, the late day squads are on their way and attendance is historically less than stellar. Want a good reason to stick around the final game of the day? How about three:
1) The Best vs The Best – With the Anklebiters topping the Larsen Division (4th overall) and Llbs holding fast to the best record in the Bratta (2nd overall), this matchup features two of the hottest teams in BTSH. How hot? Combined, the Foot Nibblers and The Corporation have only two losses in ten games. This is going to be a phenomenal contest.
2) The Battle of The Old School ‘Tenders – Both keepers hearken back to the good ol’ days of Blacktop Street Hockey. Craig “The Bearded Wonder” LaCombe still rocks an old school Jason style mask and Seth “The Mylec Wonder” Watchell continues to rock the plastic pads of our street hockey youth. They also happen to be exceptional keepers, setting up a goalie battle of epic proportions.
3) Last Chance For Comfortable Day Dri…I Mean…Day Hockey Watching With Beverages in Paper Bags – In case you haven’t seen it, the weather report for Sunday looks to be a cloudy but comfortable 65 degrees, potentially our last chance to enjoy a game before the summer swelter kicks us all in our collective keisters. If you’re going to spend some time watching BTSH hockey, this is a great chance to do so.
Note: Since Cinco de Mayo, Dr. Tompkins has been missing in action. Known to go for weeks at a stretch without human contact, I can only assume he’ll turn up eventually. Until he returns, here is my prediction for this contest
Bill Tucker’s Official Prediction: Biters / Llbs is a battle between flash and consistency. While the Angry Puppies feature some of the league’s most explosive combatants, The Polo Shirted Donald Trumps are as disciplined and opportunistic as their namesake. While I always go with the hungrier, more alcoholically motivated team, the Llbs might be too solid of a wall for the Biters to topple. 3-1 in favor of The Corporation.
Mega Touch at Gut Rot,
1:00 pm, Tompkins Square East
by Abby “Phoning It In” Meisterman
Perhaps it is the booze that’s fueling Gut Rot! Last we saw the bootleggers, they were celebrating their first victory of the year against Poutine Machine. Though it cannot be confirmed (or hasn’t been at the time of this writing), it seems as if Ellery Gillette scored both their goals. Unfortunately for Liza Watts, this means she lost the bet and is now required to name her unborn child after the street hockey wunderkind. When asked if she would be keeping her promise, Watts replied “at least it wasn’t Mike or Larry.”
Mega Touch was less successful on Cinco de Mayo, as the Dark Rainbows kept a tight defense against the Katz-Bratta line and were coached to “guard anyone wearing striped-hockey-socks.”* There is far more talent on this team than just the aforementioned, but they tend to be unidentifiable when wearing hammerhead costumes or dressed as monkeys.** But there’s an idea: perhaps all Mega Touch team-members should appear in costumes so as to confuse their opponents!
Things to expect: A solid, well-matched game.
Things to hope for: The creepiest cosplay ever.
* This is a perfectly valid direction.** Why don’t I recall this video being filmed in Paris?!
Gremlins at Dark Rainbows,
1:00 pm, Tompkins Square East
by Monica “In those days nickels had pictures of bumblebees on them” Russo
This should be fun.
What the Puck at Denim Demons,
2:00 pm, Tompkins Square East
All right, none of the above may actually be true.
But I swear I saw Sal Malguarnera post something on Facebook about placing a bounty on Lena Moy-Borgen earlier on this week. I’m just sayin’.
Cobra Kai at La Famiglia,
2:00 pm, Tompkins Square West
Speaking of old rivalries, look who’s back at it again. The Kai are looking to build on their first victory of the season but La Famiglia have other plans. After a mixed start, the Denis and Shafiq show is back in full swing and they’re looking to light up Cobra Kai goalie and right-wing radio personality Pete Lang. But for once, this isn’t all about the Batman and Robin of street hockey.
That’s because this week marks the 100th league game of Dr. Alfred “the Surgeon” Liu (Editor’s note: this fact is totally made up. I don’t even know if Alfred is playing this week). The street hockey equivalent of Teemu Selanne, Liu has been the heart and soul of the Family ever since the days when they were named after Canadian hats. Applying complex scientific principles to what some would argue is merely a fun Sunday afternoon past time, Liu was able to discover that drinking three hi balls worth of bourbon before each game would prime his body for optimum street hockey performance. And he’s used that knowledge to quietly score key goals for the Outfit at crucial times in their history. In fact, many blame the Cosa Nostra’s early playoff exits in the past two years on former Captain Dave Ladanyi’s insistence that Alfred tinker with that winning formula. Note to the Dynamic Duo and Haanwa (who’ve taken over the “C”) – don’t try to fix what isn’t broken.
We’re hoping that the Family steps up and presents the good Doctor with a sterling silver street hockey blade (or at least a dirty shot glass full of Old Grandad) before this week’s game. Even if they don’t, we’ll be banging our sticks and tipping our helmets to one of Tompkins Square Park’s all-time greats.
Here’s to you, Dr. Alfred Liu!
GAME OF THE WEEK
Mathematics at Happy Little Elves
3:00 pm, Tompkins Square East
Editor’s Note: Did you really think Rich and Eli wouldn’t have something to say about this game?
Game Preview 1: The Elves Perspective
by Rich Glanzer
So as everyone in the BTSH Universe knows my birthday is May 23, and every year I celebrate my bday with my real family, the Happy Little Elves the Sundayclosest to the day. This is a big day for my opponents as every captain wants to be the team that can make legendary status and beat the Elves on my bday game. Last year Derk & Elly decided the Lbs. were worthy, and we crushed them and ruined their season when we beat them 6-1. They were basically useless after that game and no one remembers what they did after. (Cue the emails from Ken/Sasha)
Elves 5 Math 2. I prove why I’m a hero and score my first goal of the season.
Game Preview 2: The Math Perspective
by Eli “Belts” Kazin
The Happy Little Elves are looking good with a 5-1 record, but this week, the Elves face a stiff test as the Mathematics come calling. The Elves and Mathematics have built an underrated, but generally fun, rivalry over the years. Remember how Rich constantly mentions the Elves winning their first game ever (the real Miracle at Moffo, if you ask me) against the Tuques back in 2008? Well, do you know who dealt the Elves their first loss ever? That’s right, the Mathematics. And what a loss it was. Math thumped the Elves by a 6-1 score, and the Elves did not win a game again until Week 4 of the 2009 season. Of course, Rich did score the Elves lone goal of that game, which should be noted in order to prevent Rich from constantly reminding us. In recent years, matchups between these teams have focused on championship belts. The Elves won the initial belt versus belt battle, but Math won back the belts in 2012, with Bradley Schmidt scoring the shootout winner, which he is always quick to point out.
So what is in store for this matchup? Well, expect someone on Math to hit Ben Chadwick with one of the belts when the refs aren’t looking, allowing Math to gain a personnel advantage. Expect multiple members of the Norris and Valdez families on the court at the same time. Expect a lot of goals, because both teams are very adept at putting the ball in the back of the net. And expect Math to win, 5-3, because nothing would be a better birthday gift for Math’s biggest fan, Rich Glanzer, than a solid win.
Rich’s video reply to Eli’s writeup
Editor’s Note: We don’t think any other writeups could follow this amount of self-indulgent pump-priming. So we’re giving you a break gentle readers.
Look for part 2 of our weekly previews later on this afternoon and Part 3 tomorrow morning. For now, just sit back and enjoy the craziness (assuming you’re on one of the eighteen teams that aren’t Math or Elves).
Before anyone asks, we’re still working on the glitch in the standings that’s preventing shoot our results from being properly reported. We’ll have it fixed by the time the league is back in action.
In the meantime, here are your Week 6 boxscores:
Fresh Kills 3, Denim Demons 2
Kills goals by Nick Scott & Alex Revlav. Demons goals by Dave Shyu & Lena Moy-Bergen.
We told you this would be a close one. Both teams showing off their scoring depth.
LBS 2, Hookers 1
LBS goals by (who else) Karsten Pichon & Ken Poulin. Hookers goal by Jesse Scolaro.
Eli calls it. The Dynamic Duo team-up to take down the red hot Hookers.
Gremlins 3, Rehabs 0
Gremlins goals by Ryan Mills (2) and Alison Busch. Jamie Batuwantudawe with the shutout.
Heroin Chic falls to Hipster Geek in a game that reflects our cultural zeitgeist.
Filthy Gorgeous 2, Skyfighters 2
FG goals by James Periera & Suz. Skyfighters goals by Greg Cohan and Mark Bloom.
Like Cher & Madonna, Suz has ascended to single name status. She scored too!
Cobra Kai 2, Tompkins Square Riots 1
Cobra Kai goals by Will Kuhns and Jeff Borger. Riots goal by Patrik Blohme.
Cobra Kai notches their first “W” of the season. Will Kuhns celebrates by pulling a “Brandy Chastain”.
What the Puck 3, Happy Little Elves 1
WTP goals by Adam Skuse, Mike Woodsworth & Emily. Elves goal by Michael Valdez.
WTP end the Elves winning streak even though they ignored our advice and let a Valdez score.
Rainbows 1, Mega Touch 0
Rainbows goal by Jennie Brown. Ariel Kipnis with the shutout.
Jennie Brown celebrates Mother’s Day early as the Rainbows win a close one.
Gut Rot 2, Poutine Machine 1
Goals by ??? (officially confirming that Creamy has checked out of this reffing thing completely)
Poutine still looking for a win while Gut Rot have almost matched their points total from last season.
La Famiglia 3 Gouging Anklebiters 0
Goals by ??? (looks like Creamy wasn’t the only ref phoning it in)
Ariel Kipnis subs in for the Italian Jobbers and notches his second shutout of the day.
Mathematics 2, Butchers 0
Math goals by Adam Langer & Derek Tagliarino. Shutout by Tim Burke.
Adam Langer lives up to the pre-game hype but unfortunately Eli doesn’t (his point streak comes to an end).