it’s on asshole.
The calendar for the upcoming BTSH season has officially been released. There will be 18 weeks of regular season games as well as five weeks of playoffs. Regular season play commences on April 11, and the championship game will be held on October 31. The full calendar is after the break.
The following views do not necessarily represent those of the editors or of BTSH. They do, however, represent those of Dr. Byron Clavicle.
As a board-certified neurosurgical cosmetologist, I’m often asked by BTSH players to modify their cerebral cortices to create memories of events that never actually transpired. For example, a certain What The Puck player whiffed on what would have been a game-winning goal in the championship. Haunted by this recollection, he would naturally prefer to remember scoring the goal. A certain Mathematics player requested I replace all memories of his team’s last season with memories of playing viola for the Kirov Ballet orchestra in last year’s world tour. A certain Happy Little Elves assistant captain wished to have his brain wiped clean and replaced with the late Wilt Chamberlain’s. Two of these players even shaved their heads in preparation!
Sadly, none of these requests are covered by any insurance policies that I am aware of, and the multi-trillion dollar cost of the procedure can be daunting for some. But I have come up with a far cheaper alternative that may alleviate this psychic discomfort, allowing second-rate players to imagine themselves as street hockey superstars, instead of as infantile mush-heads growing increasingly torpid and lazy-lidded while shovelling one Cheeto after another into their drooling gullets and reading some half-baked off-season filler on a sub-par sports blog.
So, feel free to augment your mediocre memories with these fictive fantasies.
Dear Readers,
With another BTSH season in the record books, we would like to take one last opportunity to thank you for your loyal and devoted support. We have really enjoyed providing you with our special blend of hockey insight, humor, and information each week (we call it “hockhumtion”), and look forward to doing it again next season.
This first season at Tompkins Square Park was a banner year for BTSH. Although the league saw a lot of changes, we both feel the move from Corlears was for the better. We have many fond memories of the past season and here are a few of our favorites:
In addition, we would especially like to thank the following for taking our many jokes in good stride despite being the butt of most of them:
As a token of our appreciation, we would like to leave you with this final gift:
Your humble correspondants,
Eli Kazin &
Derek Tagliarino
On Sunday evening, the media had the distinct honor and pleasure to present their third annual Media Awards to some of BTSH’s outstanding players. The winners are listed below:
BTSH Regular Season Scoring Champion
Karsten Pichon (LBS, Inc.)
Best Goals Against Average
Aaron “Coach” Pagdon (Denim Demons)
Best Family
Lourdes Banez & Martin “Ocho Cinco” Cejka (Sky Fighters)
Best Duo
Ben Chadwick & Rich Glanzer (Happy Little Elves)
Most Underrated Female
Mel Raoul (Rehabs)
Most Underrated Male
Shafiq Perry (Tuques)
The Stacy S. Kehoe Award For Toughness & Grace
Abby Meisterman (Denim Demons)
The Jon “Dinner Plate” Feldman Award For Agitation and Instigation
Eric “El Guapo” DiPierri (Happy Little Elves)
The Third Annual Bob Weyersberg Award For Outstanding Achievement In The Field Of Excellence
Eric Devlin (Mega Touch)
The Brendan “Flounder” Hay Memorial Award (Female)
Georgine “Mulva” Paulin (Mathematics)
The Brendan “Flounder” Hay Memorial Award (Male)
Will Kuhns (Cobra Kai)
Denim Demons (15-2-2-4) vs. Rehabs (12-7-1-3)
Location: Tompkins East, 12:00 PM
All-Time Series: Tied 6-6-1
Game Notes: This is expected to be the cleanest game of the day, with minimal whining from both sides.
Mathematics (5-14-1-3) vs. Filthy Gorgeous (16-6-1)
Location: Tompkins East, 11:00 AM
All-Time Series: Filthy Gorgeous leads 4-2
Game Notes: Filthy Gorgeous is 2-0 against its Woodsworth Division rival the Mathematics this season, with one of the wins coming in OT.
Mighty Squirrels (7-15-1) vs. Gouging Anklebiters (8-13-2)
Location: Tompkins West, 12:00 PM
All-Time Series: Mighty Squirrels lead 5-2-1
Game Notes: These Schloeder Division rivals split their season series.
Unicorns (11-11-0-1) vs. Cobra Kai (5-14-1-2)
Location: Moffo, 12:00 PM
All-Time Series: Unicorns lead 5-0
Game Notes: There are no game notes for this matchup.
LBS, Inc. (16-4-0-1) vs. Happy Little Elves (10-12-1)
Location: Moffo, 1:00 PM
All-Time Series: LBS, Inc. leads 2-0
Game Notes: BFFs Rich Glanzer and Karsten Pichon will face off for the first time since patching up their differences earlier this season.
Mexican Standoff (5-16-1-1) vs. Mega Touch (5-17-1)
Location: Tompkins East, 1:00 PM
All-Time Series: Mega Touch leads 7-6-1
Game Notes: Something wacky is planned for this game.
Tuques (7-14-0-1) vs. Dark Rainbows (15-7-0-1)
Location: Tompkins West, 1:00 PM
All-Time Series: Dark Rainbows lead 5-1
Game Notes: Dark Rainbow Dan “Danny Abs” Abdo will make one final push to win the Jon “Dinner Plate” Feldman Award for Agitation and Instigation in this game.
Corlears Hookers (16-4-1-2) vs. BTSH “All-Stars”
Location: Tompkins East, 2:00 PM
Game Notes: With 15 teams eliminated from the playoffs, the Corlears Hookers are the odd team out and will face a loose conglomeration of BTSH “All-Stars”. These ”All-Stars” will probably be the Rehabs.
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