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Halfway Home

With the season at the halfway point, we in the media have written about many storylines in the past 12 weeks.  Here is a closer look at our five favorites:

5. Corlears Hookers Promotional Days
After two seasons of sagging attendance among both fans and his players, Corlears Hookers captain Peter “Purple Rain” Putka knew he had to do something to increase turnout.  Therefore, he devised an aggressive promotional schedule for the 2009 season.  The giveaways kicked off in week 6 with the extremely popular Jason Eitel pog.  In the following weeks, promotional items included a Reilly “Fake Dutch” Olson lunchbox and an Albert “Al” Huang trapper keeper.  While the future promotional schedule hasn’t been fully released, the media have received word of a Jock Paul cowboy hat, a Noelle Safar beach towel, and a Peter “Purple Rain” Putka instructionl video on juggling (seen above).

4. Tuques Hockey
When Tuques public relations director Lisa Harrington read that the media compared her team to celery, she knew it was time for some drastic damage control.  After several instructional seminars on charisma, Tuques Hockey is more than just a simple marketing slogan…it’s a state of mind.  Goaltender Minkus has already created what will be the first of many Tuques Hockey vignettes.  In addition, team superstar The Peter Wilson has promised to be more visible for his team and has issued the following statement:  “Listen up, BTSH!  There’s something I’ve been meaning to get off my chest for a while now.  It’s not ‘Peter Wilson’.  It’s ‘The Peter Wilson’.  Get it right!”

Continue reading ‘Week 12 News and Notes’

The Champ Is Here

Happy Little Elves 6, Mathematics 3
Happy Little Elves: Chris “Crush” O’Neil 2 (10), Garrett “Ax” Carrino 2 (2), Jerome “Hornswoggle” Ramos (4), Gil Valdez (1)
Mathematics: Eli Kazin (4), Georgine “Mulva” Paulin (1), Josiah Urban (1)

Corlears Hookers 5, What The Puck 2
Corlears Hookers: Jesse Scolera 2 (2), Peter “Purple Rain” Putka (4), Josh Sadlier-Brown (4), Jock Paul (1)
What The Puck: Salvatore Malguarnera, Jr. (9), Brian Vroom (2)

LBS, Inc. 2, Rehabs 1 (OT)
LBS, Inc.: Karsten Pichon (14), Erica Lee (1)
Rehabs: Dan Cottrell (1)
Game Notes: Lee scored the game-winning goal with one minute left in overtime. Cottrell scored the game-tying goal with four minutes remaining in regulation.

Sky Fighters 4, Fresh Kills 3 (OT-SO)
Sky Fighters: Greg Cohan 2 (2), Megan Sigesmund (2)
Fresh Kills: Dave Sokolyansky 3 (8)
Shootout: Sky Fighters win 1-0. Successful attempt by Martin “Ocho Cinco” Cejka.
Game Notes: Fresh Kills rallied to tie the game after trailing 3-0.  All six regulation goals were scored in the first half.

Denim Demons 3, Mighty Squirrels 1
Denim Demons: Jeff Kamen 3 (10)
Mighty Squirrels: Lauren Reich (1)
Game Notes: Kamen’s game-winning goal broke a 1-1 tie with 12 minutes remaining in regulation.

Filthy Gorgeous 5, Gouging Anklebiters 3
Filthy Gorgeous: Suvin “The Guru” Malik 2 (3), “Gentleman” James Pereira (11), Sunny Mehra (8), Jon Rick (3)
Gouging Anklebiters: Alex D. 2 (2), Peter “Geech” Prohaska (4)

Tuques 4, Unicorns 1
Tuques: Shafiq Perry (4), The Peter Wilson (3), Jason Mandell (2), Heather Cunningham (1)
Unicorns: Courtney (1)
Game Notes: Wilson’s game-winning goal broke a 1-1 tie with 15 minutes remaining in regulation. The Tuques beat the Unicorns for the first time in 12 meetings.

Mega Touch 3, Mexican Standoff 2
Mega Touch: Tom Chirico 2 (2), Eric Devlin (3)
Mexican Standoff: Jason “The Hamburglar” R. 2 (3)

Dark Rainbows 5, Cobra Kai 2
Dark Rainbows: Sean Reynolds 2 (5), P.T. Walkley (9), Trevor “White Jesus” Tyrrell (4), Rory Tischler (1)
Cobra Kai: Rem “Canadian Strongman” Garavito (6), Becky Pear (1)
Game Notes: Walkley’s game-winning goal broke a 2-2 tie with 10 minutes remaining in regulation.

BTSH Standings

Not Pictured: Derek And Rich Shopping At Toys R Us Together

GAME OF THE WEEK
Happy Little Elves (4-6) vs. Mathematics (3-4-1-2)
Location: Tompkins East, 3:00 PM
All-Time Series: Mathematics lead 1-0
Game Notes: Despite the sub .500 records of both of these teams, few games have had as much buildup and intrigue to them this season.  The Happy Little Elves, based primarily on their 2008 performance and choice of team color, have become a favorite target of the Mathematics-run media’s jokes. The Elves have responded in kind by swamping the comments section of posts with non-sensical ramblings and incoherent jibber-jabber directed at the Mathematics. Although the volleys from each side generally remained friendly and lighthearted, the rivalry took a nasty turn two weeks ago, when Mathematics defender Sarah “T-Bone” Torneten defected to the Elves.  As a result, Mathematics captain Derek Tagliarino has ordered team goon Georgine “Mulva” Paulin to go after Torneten’s weak knees on their first shift together.  In an additional storyline, Happy Little Elves walking punch line Rich Glanzer and Tagliarino have pumped up the intensity even further, by wagering their prized championship belts on the outcome of this matchup.  Although there is only one point separating these two teams in the standings, more is at stake in this game than a simple win or loss.
Keys To The Game:
1. After serving a two-game suspension, recent Elves addition Eric “El Guapo” DiPierri is now eligible to play his first game with his new team.  Though sluggish at times, DiPierri does posses one of the better shots in the league.
2. With six of their nine points coming from games they trailed at the half, the Mathematics have proved to be a very resilient team.  However, they will need to play two solid halves to beat the Elves.
3. This is the first ever Game of the Week apperance for the Happy Little Elves, due to their residence at the bottom of the standings.  Will they rise to the occassion or crack under the pressure now that they are firmly in the spotlight?

Continue reading ‘Week 12 Preview’

The following views do not necessarily represent those of the editors or of BTSH.  They do, however, represent those of Rich Glanzer.

While the Happy Little Elves have been sort of surprising some teams on the court this season, I feel we’ve been the league’s biggest disappointment where it matters most…at the bar! There is no funner (yes, it’s a word) team than the Elves. We are all partiers and drinkers. But this season, I’ve noticed some things I’m not too proud of at the bar. We have Mexican Standoff guarding the door, What The Puck running around feeling like they own the joint, Craig and his harem of Lady Unicorns showing up fashionably late, Demons everywhere, the Rehabs plotting in a corner, Georgine guarding Derek and Eli, and of course, Cobra Kai sitting at the end of the bar, like table #9 in the Wedding Singer.

But one hour after our game is over, I’m normally the only Elf left standing. So when some guy in a foot cast is screaming, “What The Puck!! What The Puck!!” and 19 Rehabs are chanting back, “REEEE-HAAAAAABBBBSS, REEEEEE-HAAAAAABBBBS,” I’m forced to slink into a corner and whimper, “Go Elves Go. Go Elves Go.”

Well, this Sunday, that changes!! The Happy Little Elves are taking back the bar!! Last season, we lost every game (except against the Tuques and Squirrels), but we had fun darn it!! This Sunday, we are going to have a blast, and we’d like you to join us. So if you haven’t been to the bar this year (Hookers), or go to Doc Hollidays (Anklebiters), come to the bar and hang out with the Elves. We’re not bad people, just bad hockey players!! And we’re not even that bad at hockey any more, so our lack of talent shouldn’t rub off on you. (Though WTP did lose their first game after I hung out with them the week before.) This is the last week before a two week break, so no excuses, party with the Elves!

First beer is on me. OK, not really, but come anyways!!

Neck Hole Not Included

Ant’s New Shirt Was Conspicuously Missing
Although What The Puck may play like a well-oiled machine, the team hasn’t been on the same page fashion-wise all season.  Primarily due to captain Larry “Mad Dog” Zimmer’s crafty offseason acquisitions, the team has been forced to wear a fairly random assortment of semi-orange team uniforms.  Some of the more humorous variations on the WTP shirt have been Salvatore Malguarnera, Jr.’s faded Islanders t-shirt, Zimmer’s bright orange Carlos Beltran mock jersey, Michelle Doucet’s $4 Wal-Mart generic, Adriano Bratta’s blinding day-glo top, and Ollie Hartman’s Teaches Hoops shirt he found in a Salvation Army.

Always quick to respond to team problems, Mad Dog took it upon himself to design a new look for his squad.  Larry’s hot new style (termed “Version 9.0″) includes the usual orange and blue coloring with “WHAT the PUCK?” written across the front.  “9.0″ (signifying the team’s ninth season) is displayed in the bottom left corner.  The new duds were so popular, even the injured players on the sidelines adorned them.  Sadly, with What the Puck’s surprising loss to the Unicorns, the team is now 0-1 in their new jerseys.

Continue reading ‘Week 11 News and Notes’