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Give ‘Em The Triple Deke!

This Sunday, BTSH will host the inaugural Skills Competition prior to the championship game. As league members celebrate the end of another successful season, they will have the opportunity to test five different “skills” throughout this event. Those interested in participating should contact their captain and Bob W immediately.

The competition will feature the following:

Accuracy Shooting: This will run very similarly to the NHL event of the same name. A shooter will receive eight passes from two teammates and try to hit four targets positioned in each corner of the net. The goal is to hit all four targets in as few shots as possible. The media eagerly await Bob “Olmec” Weyersberg’s entry into this event.

Breakaway Relay: Three players will take breakaways against the same goalie in consecutive turns. The event is designed for the more skilled players of BTSH to showcase their talent. In an effort to make the breakaways challenging, Tim “(S)crappy” Gray will not be the goalie.

Freestyle Breakaway Challenge: Scoring will be secondary in this breakaway event, and humor will take precedence. An esteemed panel of judges will grade a player’s shootout attempt based on “creativity, difficulty, and absurdity.” Well, actually, the judges won’t be that esteemed…

Beer Control Relay: Similar to a puck control relay, cones will be set up, and players will race around the court while drinking a beer with one hand and ball handling with their other hand. Participants must finish their entire beer during the race. Please note, BTSH does not condone binge-style drinking.

Goalie Shot Accuracy: Barriers will be placed in the middle of the court, while goalies attempt to shoot from their own crease into the opposite (empty) goal. Full pads must be worn. Since “full pads” is just a pair of shinguards for him, Randy Locklair may be the favorite here.

Bob W Will Be There, Will You?

For the second straight season, the media (and some special surprise guests!) will proudly present several prestigious awards this Sunday at the BTSH season-end party. To build your anticipation, here are this season’s media awards and nominees:

Most Exciting Player
Martin “Ocho Cinco” Cejka (Sky Fighters)
“Hollywood” Jeff Lesser (Fresh Kills)
Andy Pratt (Mathematics)
Matt “Minkus” Spedelari (Tuques)

Best Duo
Jason Eitel & Josh Sadlier-Brown (Corlears Hookers)
John Nielsen & P.T. Walkley (Dark Rainbows)
Jason “Cheek” Cheek & Tim “(S)crappy” Gray (Mighty Squirrels)
Martin “Ocho Cinco” Cejka & Robert Kucera (Sky Fighters)

Most Underrated Female
Gabby Carson (Denim Demons)
Amy Farley (What The Puck)
Lindsey Foehrenbach (Dark Rainbows)
Courtney McBride (Happy Little Elves)

Most Underrated Male
Nelson (Unicorns)
Matt Novick (Filthy Gorgeous)
Bradley Schmidt (Mathematics)
Peter Wilson (Tuques)

The Stacy Kehoe Award For Toughness And Grace
Caroline Currie (Fresh Kills)
Rachel “A-Korn” Greene (Mighy Squirrels)
Amy Kovner (Gouging Anklebiters)
Sascha Puritz (LBS, Inc.)

The Jon “Dinner Plate” Feldman Award For Agitation and Instigation
Greg “Lysol” Altman (Cobra Kai)
Eric “El Guapo” DiPierri (Gouging Anklebiters)
Albert “Al” Huang (Corlears Hookers)
“The Alpha Male” Ken Poulin (LBS, Inc.)

The Second Annual Bob Weyersberg Award For Outstanding Achievement In The Field Of Excellence
Eric Devlin (Bad Touch)
James Pereira (Filthy Gorgeous)
Enayet “Retail” Rasul (Cobra Kai)
Bryan “Stork” Welch (Rehabs)

The Brendan “Flounder” Hay Memorial Award (Female)
Sarah Coombs (Mathematics)
Marie Marberg (Mighty Squirrels)
Abigail Meisterman (Denim Demons)
Shoshana Rudnick (Happy Little Elves)

The Brendan “Flounder” Hay Memorial Award (Male)
Ben Chadwick (Happy Little Elves)
Rob “Mungo” Gorden (Mighty Squirrels)
Randy Locklair (Mexican Standoff)
Peter “Geech” Prohaska (Gouging Anklebiters)

In addition, the media will honor two league members with the following presentations:

The Award For The Regular Season Scoring Champion

The Media Award For Lifetime Achievement

Fresh Kills Marches Into The Championship Game

#10 Fresh Kills 3, #2 LBS, Inc. 1
Fresh Kills: Ariel Imas, “Hollywood” Jeff Lesser, Mike Sokolyansky
LBS, Inc.: Dustin Shutes
Game Notes: Imas broke a 1-1 tie with 20 minutes remaining in regulation.

#3 Corlears Hookers 4, #4 Filthy Gorgeous 2
Corlears Hookers: Reilly “Fake Dutch” Olson 2, Albert “Al” Huang, Noelle Safar
Filthy Gorgeous: Suvin “The Guru” Malik, Jonathan Rick
Game Notes: Olson’s second goal of the game broke a 2-2 tie with 15 minutes remaining in regulation.

What The Puck 5, Denim Demons 1
What The Puck: Darrell “Accurate Bob” Hartman 2, Mike “The X-Factor” Woodsworth 2, Corey “Chongo” Winters
Denim Demons: Emily Carson

Unicorns 3, Dark Rainbows 1
Unicorns: Chris 3
Dark Rainbows: Sean Reynolds

Mathematics 5, Gouging Anklebiters 2
Mathematics: Adam Langer 2, Andy Pratt 2, Amy Anderla
Gouging Anklebiters: Phil “Sandy” Donohue, Peter “Geech” Prohaska

Rehabs 2, Mighty Squirrels 0
Rehabs: Sal Malguarnera, Bryan “Stork” Welch
Shutout: “Quiet” Mike O’Connor (Gouging Anklebiters)

Cobra Kai 6, Sky Fighters 2
Cobra Kai: Adriano “Muscles Marinara” Bratta 3, Rem “Canadian Strongman” Garavito 2, Mariko Nakatani
Sky Fighters: Imraan Farukhi, Chris “Big Sexy” Shumaker
Game Notes: The Sky Fighters played the entire game with only six players and no official goalie.

Bad Touch 3, Mexican Standoff 2
Bad Touch: Eric Devlin 2, Greg Kellerman
Mexican Standoff: Karey Bakker, Len Guinto

Tuques 2, Happy Little Elves 1
Tuques: Peter Wilson 2
Happy Little Elves: Jarome “Hornswoggle” Ramos

Continue reading ‘Semifinals Box Scores’

The Rehabs Still Have Their Game Face On

Bad Touch (2-17-1) vs. Mexican Standoff (4-13-2-1)
Location: Corlears North, 2:00 PM
All-Time Series: Tied 5-5-1
Game Notes: With both teams picking up wins in the last few weeks, they are both trying to finish the season on a high note.

Denim Demons (12-4-2-1) vs. What The Puck (14-4-0-1)
Location: Corlears South, 2:00 PM
All-Time Series: What The Puck leads 9-2
Game Notes: If a couple of plays had gone the other way last week, this could very well have been an outstanding semi-final matchup.

Mathematics (6-13) vs. Gouging Anklebiters (4-15)
Location: Moffo, 2:00 PM
All-Time Series: Mathematics lead 3-1
Game Notes: Eric “El Guapo” DiPierri of the Gouging Anklebiters claims the Mathematics’ victory against his team in the regular season is “tainted”…because the Mathematics did not have Andy Pratt that day.

Happy Little Elves (2-15-1-1) vs. Tuques (9-10)
Location: Corlears North, 3:00 PM
All-Time Series: Happy Little Elves lead 1-0
Game Notes: According to Tuques goalie, Minkus, “No Elves are scoring on me.”

Rehabs (10-6-1-1) vs. Mighty Squirrels (7-9-3)
Location: Moffo, 3:00 PM
All-Time Series: Rehabs lead 3-1-1
Game Notes: The Squirrels are looking to snap a nine game losing streak.

Dark Rainbows (12-6-1) vs. Unicorns (11-6-0-2)
Location: Corlears North, 4:00 PM
All-Time Series: Dark Rainbows lead 4-3
Game Notes: The outcome of this game does not affect the Unicorns’ possesion of the (imaginary) Fairy Tale Cup.

Cobra Kai (6-11-1-1) vs. Sky Fighters (11-7)
Location: Moffo, 4:00 PM
All-Time Series: Cobra Kai leads 2-1
Game Notes: We assume that the Sky Fighters will actually show up for this one.  Their captains would expect nothing less.

Yeah, Fernando, We’re Going To Need You To Come In On Sunday…

#2 LBS, Inc. (15-3-1) vs. #10 Fresh Kills (10-8-0-1)
Location: Corlears South, 4:00 PM
All-Time Series: Fresh Kills leads 9-5
2008 Result: Week 15 – LBS, Inc. 6, Fresh Kills 3
Game Notes: As the #2 seed, LBS, Inc. was supposed to be in this game.  They have looked nearly impenetrable throughout the regular season, and their momentum continued into the playoffs.  In the opening round, they blanked Mexican Standoff 4-0, despite the absence of star player (and self-proclaimed “cleanest player in the game”) “The Alpha Male” Ken Poulin.  They also weathered a spirited challenge from the Unicorns in the quarterfinals, ultimately prevailing in a shootout.  As the #10 seed, Fresh Kills is the clear Cinderella story of the playoffs for the second consecutive year.  After a mediocre regular season, Fresh Kills turned on the light switch for the postseason.  In the opening round, they survived a 1-0 battle against the dangerous Martin “Ocho Cinco” Cejka-led Sky Fighters with gritty play and tenacity.  They continued by stunning regular season champion What The Puck the following Sunday.  Both LBS, Inc. and Fresh Kills have been cornerstones of the league for several seasons, resulting in a storied and competitive rivalry.  Although LBS, Inc. defeated Fresh Kills in their 2008 regular season matchup, Fresh Kills is responsible for eliminating The Corporation from the playoffs in 2007.
Keys To The Game For LBS, Inc.:
1. “Hollywood” Jeff Lesser may be a star in some circles, but “The Alpha Male” Ken Poulin isn’t buying it.  He warned, “We’re going to hand Jeff Lessy [sic] his ass implants back to him after the game.”  Whether Poulin’s comments actually serve to motivate his team remains to be seen.
2. Karsten Pichon finished second in the regular season with 20 goals and has also added two more in the playoffs.  When he is on, LBS, Inc. is tough to beat.
3. Captain Sascha Puritz is always quick to note that Seth Wachtell has been one of BTSH’s top goalies over the past few seasons, despite a limited amount of press.  He is the only goalie remaining in the playoffs who has led his team to a championship.
Keys To The Game For Fresh Kills:
1. Alicia Walker returned to the team last week after a brief (and unexcused) hiatus to get married.  While she does not score a lot of goals, she has already fit back into her familiar role as one of Fresh Kills’ top playmakers.
2. Dave Sokolyansky will serve as Fresh Kills’ offensive counter-punch to the scoring prowess of Karsten Pichon.  Last week, Sokolyansky tallied a hat trick, including the game-winner in double overtime.
3. Don’t let Bob “Olmec” Weyersberg shoot.
Eli’s Pick: LBS, Inc.  Every time The Alpha Male has run his mouth, they have followed it up with a win.
Derek’s Pick: LBS, Inc.  Fresh Kills’ playoff run makes for a very nice story, but I don’t think it’s in the cards for them to advance another round.